Guest Post: Baby S's Birth from His Father's Point of View

My husband was kind enough to share his thoughts about our oldest son N's birth here. He issued a challenge for us to reach 200 likes on the Facebook page before he'd write about his impressions of S's birth. So, here is the long-awaited second chapter, S's birth from his dad's point of view.

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I know I promised I’d write this when the Facebook page got 200 likes. It passed 200 likes a while ago, but better later than never!

So, birth number two, our son S. I will come right out and say, this one was the hardest for me. For starters, it happened much earlier than we expected. In the afternoon Jessica went for her regular doctor’s appointment, and a few hours later she called me to come to the hospital because they were going to induce her due to high blood pressure.

We were pretty new to the area and did not know many people. We had no one to leave N with, so I brought him with me to the hospital. This was fun for a while. We hung out with Mommy, and he was on his best behavior and really sweet and cute. 

Later on, as my wife’s labor got more intense, we played “Let’s scream with Mommy!” By then it became obvious that we needed to find a solution for him. He couldn't stay there anymore. We eventually found a friend who could pick him up and bring food for me, but it would take him some time to get there. I was hoping he would make it before the birth!

Let’s back up a little. By the time I got to the hospital, Jessica was already in her Labor and Delivery room, and ready in the hospital gown and hooked up to an IV, and assigned a nurse. This already felt weird for me. I got there later; I did not take her there. I felt like I was just a spectator. The nurse was flaky, weird, and, well, I did not like her very much. In return, she seemed to not care for me much either. She pretty much ignored me most of the time. I was there with my wife, but detached from the process. Of course, having N there with me, distracting me from the labor, did not help that much either.

Finally, our friend arrived and I took N out to meet him. N was screaming and unhappy; he thought he was going home with me. I felt terrible about that. By the time I got back up to Jessica’s room, she was already pretty advanced. I do not remember much from the whole birth. I only remember feeling like I was not wanted there by the medical staff, by the nurse. I resented that for quite a while. I kept reminding myself that it is not about me, I am just there to support my wife, and will do what she needs me to do.

S finally arrived, vaginally. I was happy for her, as this is what she wanted. They placed him on her, as she wanted him skin-to-skin right away. He was just with her, he was her baby. I think I did not get to hold him until much later, maybe it was next day when brought N to see him, maybe it was when we brought him home. I just recall feeling like I had very little to do with anything at that point, and fighting the feeling that I did not think this was right, insisting to myself that this moment was about her. I was there to support her. I became edgy waiting for the nurse to come back, to move to another room, settle down, so I could go back home and pick up N from our friends’.

Finally the flaky, cheery nurse who ignored me (bear in mind, I might have imagined that she was ignoring me – that’s just how it felt to me) came back and took us to the postpartum room, but not before triggering a bunch of alarms because she went through the wrong door with the baby. After that, I was free to go and pick up N. I had great time with him for a few days, just him and me. But, I was bitter about the birth. I had wanted to be part of it, like last time. I did not want to feel like a guest at my own kid’s birth!

Today when I think of it, I realize what I did wrong. It was my mistake. I was trying to be there for her only. I did not factor myself into it at all. Partly because of what I felt, part because this is what society tells us, or was telling me at the time, men are only guest at the birth, they shouldn't interfere. But in the end that’s what caused me to feel so alienated, to be so frustrated. The fact that I ignored my own wishes, never spoke up to her or the medical staff about how I wanted to be involved. I just accepted it as it was. I made myself not important. I made myself just being there. Sure, it might have been done with good intentions, but unhappiness in any relationship is not good. It left me distant from S for a very long time after his birth.

My only advice for men would be, take a stance, but accept hers as well and be ready to be wrong. Because speaking up for what you want and letting her know what you think is support, too. It is what opens up a dialog and shows her that you are interested in the process and want to be a part of it. Just accepting her wishes creates a distance and disinterest for yourself in the birth and in your baby.

That, and bring food. Always remember food.

Guest Post: How I Feel About Putting My Wife's Breasts on YouTube

Since we had the new baby, Baby Y, we have started making a lot more videos of my wife breastfeeding. I actually went out and bought an HD camera so we can make high quality videos, as I thought it was great she has something she is so passionate about. Many of those videos feature my wife breasts at different levels of exposure. Some are quite vivid, I know. I take the videos, and I edit many of them. And yes, I do like taking them, as she is, to me, the most amazing thing. I find we have gotten closer since we started doing these together. However, when posting it to YouTube, I go back and forth on my feelings regarding this exposure.

There are days that I am very excited about doing this and about the amount of views that she gets for her videos. And then there are days when I am less excited. Like, when I see comments like, “Can u do one with both tits out”, or, “you have verey nice breasts”. Yes, I know, her breasts are very nice, I love them very much (so, I am also somehow proud “yeah, I get to hit that”). But it is a little frustrating. If you want to be a jerk off (pun intended) go ahead, but do you need to post about it? Be a man, be ashamed of yourself a little, you know, like you are supposed to. When I see those, I wonder if we should continue posting those videos.

But then, there is the other side that, for me, wins in the end. I feel that since we started putting these videos up, I have gotten a lot more comfortable with her breastfeeding anywhere. I used to get a little uneasy when she would breastfeed in a restaurant, or on the couch in a friend's house, especially when the baby pops off and exposes her for a second. I used to get a bit annoyed: why can’t she keep him attached? But now, it seems so natural to me, that I do not mind at all. This means that doing these videos had made breastfeeding more natural, as it should be, for me.

The other day we had friends in our house, and the wife was breastfeeding her toddler, feeling very comfortable as well. I would like to think that our way of seeing breastfeeding helped that. (Please feel free not to correct me if I am wrong!).

And then, there is the view count, and that comment here or there, from an actual mother who liked the video or found the information helpful. Another mother said that this had helped to learn a new technique, or that she realized breastfeeding in a restaurant, or a public place is completely normal and natural. And those are just great, and I hope a higher view count will bring more of those types of comments and help more people find them who are genuinely interested in learning more about breastfeeding.

Now, I am not saying that breasts are not sexy, or not part of sexual life. Trust me, they still very much are, especially now when there is so much of them. But, there is also another part, a part that does not detract from that or change it: the actual intended use of them. And that does not bother me anymore. So, no, I am not comfortable with the idea of those guys watching the videos, and I would be lying to myself if I said it was surprising. But, I am happy that this might help someone, maybe even a guy, see breastfeeding as natural. Hey, maybe at least some of those guys are actually trying to help their wives, right? 

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Thank you to my husband for sharing these very candid thoughts about our YouTube projects. To see Jessica on Babies videos, visit http://www.youtube.com/jessicaonbabies and browse the dozens of videos already available, then subscribe to stay up-to-date as new videos are posted!

Guest Post: Baby N's Birth from His Father's Point of View

Today's special guest post is from my husband! He wants to tell our kids' birth stories from his point of view. Often the man's role in and feelings about birth are underplayed or downplayed, and in a series of articles, my husband will explore his own impressions and experiences during the births of our sons. So, to celebrate 100 likes on the Facebook page, here is his perspective on N's birth! 

(Notice his challenge at the end. To continue the series and hear about S's birth, let's keep pushing forward to 200 likes! Share the blog with your friends, and if you haven't done so, please like the Facebook page!)

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I've been wanting to tell the birth stories of our 4 kids from my perspective, the husband’s. I've had this idea for a while, but it’s hard to find the time to write it. You read many stories from women about their birth experience, but I can’t say I read many from the father’s point of view. So, I’m not expecting many men to read mine. But who knows? Maybe I am the strange one.

Each one of my kids' births was very different, an amazing experience by itself. Some were more exciting for me, others not as much. This is simply meant to put down in writing what I experienced and how I felt during those times. Take it as you will.

Baby N

First child! I was an exemplary husband, or so I thought. I went to all the birthing classes, went to the tour of the hospital. I don’t think I missed a single OB/GYN appointment. I knew a lot about what was going to happen; well, I thought I knew. I mean, reality… well, I think most of us know how that is.

When the day came and we went to the hospital, we figured we would take along my wife’s mother. It would be a great experience and be helpful. I am very thankful for my mother-in-law for all her help, but this made for some awkward moments and made it difficult to talk to my wife in private. I was very nervous, but I thought I knew it all. We were joking about not taking an epidural, about why you would suffer pain when you do not have to. I was very casual about it; hell, at some point we ordered pizza to the delivery room. She pushed for a long time. It was nice for me at that time, I got really involved. The nurse had me help. I felt it was great. I got to hold a leg up, and look at the entrance to see if someone is coming out. I don’t think I thought too much about her pain and how she was feeling in all of this. At the time I thought I was great; today, I realize I was rather inconsiderate.

When the doctors “finally” offered a c-section, I was happy. Great, they will take him out, he won’t have a squishy head, and my wife parts will remain intact. Yes, men think about that. Well, some of them. Got all scrubbed up, the nurse asked me if I had a camera. I thought that was funny. I went in to the OR to find my wife lying in a crucified position (thankfully, my mother-in-law was not invited to this occasion). It was still all cool. I sat by her head, trying to make my usual silly jokes. I was in a huge adrenaline rush. Everything was happening pretty quickly. Pretty soon I got to hold the baby. I got to hold him first. Well, she couldn’t, being that she was crucified to an operating table and half numb. Looking at him, hearing his cry… the newborn cry is great. It hits me in a soft place every time. But the first one, it was amazing.

Then they took him away to the nursery and took us to another room to recover. Apparently she lost a lot of blood. I did not realize it then, not even when they sent a specialized trauma nurse to see her. I think it is a good thing I was high on adrenaline, or I would have freaked out. That one took a long time to settle.

At the stay at the hospital, for the next five days, I was also being great. I came by, fed the baby, and changed him. I was rather happy she did not breast feed. I got to play with my new baby a lot. This continued after she got home. They sent us home with a bili light machine, to treat his jaundice. Still, I was being cool, letting her sleep and rest while I took care of him. Every day I would change him, feed him, and wash him. All she needed to do was rest. I was supportive of her attempt to breast feed, but when she couldn’t, I was not upset. I get to keep playing with him, feeding, feeling so helpful. What a great husband I was being. This continued for about 3 months, until we moved to California, where I suddenly had to work more, and leave her alone with him.

Only much later, as she was getting ready to have Baby S, did I realize how bad I was at the time. I distanced her from her baby. I felt I was being helpful. She felt I was being helpful. But, that was not the right way to do things. I pushed what I wanted, and at the same time thought to myself, “Why is so distant from him?” There are ways to be helpful, but I do not think this was the right one. Now, I know I was being selfish. I did not see how she was unhappy, how this had made her feel.

It took me a while to change my way of thinking, and see how important it is to her. I can’t say I quite understand it yet. But, with Baby S, things were different.

That’s the first story. I think this post has gone long enough, so I challenge you to help the Facebook page get 200 likes to hear so I can tell you what comes next! 

I will say this to any men out there who are about to have a baby: It is indeed a lot about her, and not because she carries all the burden of the pain, pregnancy, delivery, etc. It is because, in the end, I do think the outcome will affect her a lot more. So, get involved, but also remember that the best help you can give is to push her to achieve what she wants. To quote Coupling, “Ask her three times” if she’s sure. But when you do ask her, make sure you mean it.

Guest Post: Information about Mini IVF

Today, we have a guest post from Dr. Mor, at the California Center for Reproductive Health. Dr. Mor tells us about Mini IVF, an effective option for assisting families struggling with infertility to become pregnant. Infertility is an emotional subject that many couples deal with silently. It can be difficult to talk about problems getting pregnant or maintaining a pregnancy, especially when friends and family seem to be popping out babies all around you. For couples who desperately want a child but cannot seem to conceive or maintain a pregnancy through more traditional means, modern medicine has a lot to offer. Fertility treatments can be expensive, time consuming, and sometimes have unpleasant side effects. Fortunately, technology is always advancing, and in this article, you'll learn about a method which is less invasive and less expensive than traditional IVF.

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Mini IVF is an increasingly popular option for families struggling with infertility who would like to save money and avoid excessive amounts of medications. Compared to traditional IVF treatments, Mini IVF is a gentler technology that involves minimal stimulation of the ovaries. Mini IVF commonly begins with the use of oral ovulation induction agents, such as Letrozole, Tamoxifen or Clomid, sometimes in combination with low-dose gonadotropins. This stimulates growth of a small number of eggs. When the eggs are mature, they are removed through a minor procedure and fertilized in a laboratory before being placed back inside the mother's uterus. 

In contrast with traditional IVF, Mini IVF focuses on quality rather than quantity of embryos. As a result, Mini IVF costs less, avoids the potential risks of taking too many medications and is becoming more popular at fertility clinics. Because the ovarian stimulation in Mini IVF results in three to four eggs and two or three embryos, it maximizes the efficiency of the cycle.

When families choose Mini IVF instead of traditional IVF, they can often get more eggs and reduce or avoid the risks and discomforts that accompany traditional IVF. In addition to its other benefits, Mini IVF reduces the time spent waiting between cycles and cuts or eliminates the pain associated with frequent injections. Finally, Mini IVF decreases the discomfort and health problems that result from ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. Mini IVF cost is typically half the price of traditional IVF and may be covered by health insurance.

The procedures followed for Mini IVF can vary, but all focus on gently stimulating the ovaries to create eggs and embryos of high quality. Birth control is commonly given before ovarian stimulation, but stimulation may be given without first using birth control in women who are over 35 years old. Gonadotropins are sometimes used in low doses. Fertility clinics use ultrasound and some blood testing for monitoring. Unlike with traditional IVF, Mini IVF requires less anesthesia during egg harvesting depending on the patient. IVF lab clinicians fertilize the eggs through insemination or, if male infertility is present, intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). Once the embryos are between three and five days old, they are placed back inside the uterus. Altogether, the process of Mini IVF takes between seven and 10 days.

Success rates with Mini IVF are comparable to or better than those of traditional IVF, especially in women younger than 35 who have normal ovarian reserve. Women with lower ovarian reserve tend to respond equally to Mini IVF compared with traditional IVF in terms of egg production and should consider this newer form of ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology). Finally, women older than 40 tend to have better results from Mini IVF because its lower level of stimulation is more likely to produce higher-quality eggs and embryos.

About the Author

Doctor Mor is a board certified reproductive endocrinology and infertility expert who specializes in assisted reproductive technology (ART). Having completed his fellowship training at the University of Southern California, Dr. Mor now serves as the Medical Director of the California Center for Reproductive Health, a leading fertility center. With an innovative approach towards fertility treatments and minimally-invasive reproductive surgery, Dr. Mor offers Mini IVF along with a host of other ART options to his patients. 

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Have you struggled with infertility? It is a difficult subject to discuss and is often suffered in silence by those facing reproductive issues or going the ART route. I hope that by talking openly about treatments and solutions, we can move past the stigma of reproductive difficulties and facilitate supportive dialog among those who have been affected by infertility and fertility treatments.

Guest Post: 8 Tips for Sleeping Comfortably During Pregnancy

Today we have a guest post from Scott Smith, a sleep counselor who advises on sleep and mattresses. He provides some tips for getting comfortable in bed during the different stages of pregnancy.

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Normally, the human body only makes significant changes to itself about every seven years or so.  The only natural exception to this rule is pregnancy.  Within nine months, body parts change size, the sleeping position that used to be comfortable is no longer possible, and the body is under a different type of stress and strain that may need different support.

While it’s unrealistic to change your mattress at every new stage, there are some things that can make you more comfortable on the bed that you have, through each trimester of pregnancy. 

First Trimester Tips:

• During the first trimester, the outside of your body isn’t changing much, but the inside is.  This is a great time to prepare your bed for the coming months by adding a waterproof mattress protector.  This will protect your bed against uncontrollable morning sickness, weakening of your bladder control muscles, as well as if your water breaks while in bed.
• You may notice some breast tenderness that will make stomach sleeping uncomfortable.  Try to sleep on your side, and hug a pillow to your chest to keep your chest open.  Also put a pillow between your knees to keep your hips comfortable.

Second Trimester Tips:

• As your body starts to change, your sleeping will also.  Sleeping on your stomach, if it was still possible until this point, will now be out of the question.  Similarly, back sleeping will become uncomfortable as your developing baby weighs on your other organs.  Sleep on your left side for optimal blood flow and nutrients to your baby.  Laying on the left can also help your kidneys do their job, which can ease swelling in your extremities.  Follow the pillow tips above for more comfortable sleep.
• Some women feel increased sensitivity in their ribs and hips, and may be tossing and turning a lot at night.  If this is the case, think about adding a mattress topper to your existing mattress, to make it a little softer and to ease those pressure points.
• Acid reflux can be problematic starting in the second trimester.  If you don’t have an adjustable bed, consider purchasing a wedge to sleep on at night, to elevate your head and torso.  Also, avoid eating right before bed, as well eating acidic foods such as tomato sauce, spicy food, or citrus.

Third Trimester Tips:

• Back soreness and pain is par for the course in the third trimester, so you want to make sure that you’re on a mattress that is supportive enough, without being too firm.  Have your partner stand behind you while you’re lying on your side, to make sure that your spine isn’t curved.  Arrange pillows to support your spine, by either placing them under your stomach, along your back, or between your knees.
• With all that extra blood that’s pumping through you, it’s easy to become overheated.  Instead of one big comforter, consider using layers to keep yourself warm.  That way, you can throw off and put on layers at will to maintain your perfect temperature.
• It may be difficult to get out of bed if you’re at the end of your pregnancy, especially if the bed is very soft.  Put a heavy piece of furniture next to the bed to help you pull yourself out.  Also, perfect the “pregnancy roll”, and roll yourself out of bed instead of trying to sit up.

Pregnancy is a wonderful time, but it can also be quite uncomfortable.  Your body is not only supporting itself, but is also forming a new person.  You need to treat it well, let it rest, and promote comfort so that it can put its best towards your new baby. 

If you are considering purchasing a new bed before or during pregnancy, really look hard at what you’ll need both during this time, as well as after. 

Scott Smith is the author of DrSnooze and a Sleep Counselor who also advises on sleep and mattresses. Follow him @DrsnoozeMatt and visit his blog at http://www.drsnooze.com/blog/ or http://www.drsnooze.com/brands/comforpedic.html

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Are you finding it difficult to get comfortable in bed as your pregnancy progresses? Try out some of Scott's tips and let us know if they helped you! Do you have anything to add from your own experience?

Guest Post: Traveling Abroad with Special Needs Children

Today we have a guest post from Marcela De Vivo. Marcela's son has cerebral palsy, and she offers some insights and tips for traveling abroad with a special needs child. Have you traveled with a child with special needs? We'd love to hear about your experiences!

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My oldest son, Nathan, is six years old, and has severe cerebral palsy. What many people are surprised to learn is that Nathan has traveled to about 10 countries, including England, Thailand, Argentina, Brazil and even the Dominican Republic.

Nathan has always enjoyed every trip, and it has been incredibly beneficial to him from a developmental standpoint. As a parent, I would encourage any family with special needs children to travel as much as possible.

Of course, the first question in your mind is probably a big HOW? How do we manage the logistics of traveling with a non-verbal, non-ambulatory special needs child?

The answer isn't always simple, and what you need to do will be based on the special needs of your child, but let me tell you right now, travel is certainly possible.

Traveling abroad with a special needs child is possible. We’re proof.

Image Courtesy of En.Wikipedia.org

Plan Ahead, Arrive Early

Whenever we travel, we call the airline and let them know we need wheelchair access. We also have our own wheelchair, which makes the process easier and more efficient; if your child needs one, bringing your own wheelchair can be very helpful.

One key note when it comes to traveling with a wheelchair: keep it with you as long as possible. Airlines treat it like luggage if you check it, and it could ultimately end up broken. It happened to us, and it’s not something that you will want to deal with.

We also take the time to let airport security know that we have fluids with us and that we’re traveling with our child’s medication, which, of course, he needs. It’s always taken us a bit more time to go through security, but most people are quite supportive and friendly while helping us through the process. On the rare occasion that we've encountered security or airline staff members that were rude, we've generally said something to management so that they’ll be more prepared in future situations when dealing with children with special needs.

Leave yourself ample time for getting through airport security when traveling with a 

special needs child.

Image Courtesy of Flickr

Ask for Help

Once on the plane, we generally explain to people around us about our son’s needs. Of course, we don’t go into a long drawn out story, but it often helps to give people some information about what’s going on around them.

In many cases, people will offer their assistance and help with basic things – like making room for our child. Typically, we bring a special seat, called a Special Tomato Chair, which makes our son more comfortable during flights, but requires just a little bit of extra room in some cases.

Once the airplane lands, we’re often the first ones off. In some cases, we’re the last ones off. It works either way – we just want to make sure we’re not involved in the general mayhem of a large group of people exiting an airplane.

Consider Your Destination

When you arrive in your destination, it’s important to consider where you are and what you’re going to be doing. For example, when we've visited places like Canada, which really aren't all that much different than home in the United States, we've rented a car. This is helpful since we can take our time and make sure we have everything we need for a day trip.

In other places, we've had to rely on taxis, and we may need to take some special equipment. In general, we simply try to make sure that we have everything our son will need with us. From there, we really just have to go with the flow of travel since everything can’t be completely under our control.

For most people, the most difficult part of traveling with a special needs child is the actual travel, not the day-to-day stuff that occurs when you arrive in your destination. Once you have that figured out, you’re well on your way to a successful trip.

Of course, the information here was personal, and it may not all apply to your child. Nathan has cerebral palsy, so his needs are very different from those of a child with autism, for example. Before you plan a trip, always take your child’s needs into account and talk to your child’s doctor if you’re unsure about health and safety concerns of traveling abroad.

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Marcela De Vivo is a freelance health & wellness writer from the Los Angeles area whose specializes in alternative medicine, sustainability, and special needs advocacy. She works with the California Special Needs Law Group to spread the world about inclusion and offer advice to other parents with special needs children. Marcela keeps a personal blog about her son and their story at www.prayfornathan.org.

Guest Post: Single Mom/Book Coach Says: The Best Parenting Books are in the Business Section

Today we have a guest post from Rebecca McCarthy. Rebecca is a freelance writer and book coach at The Written Coach, Your Guide to Writing an Unforgettable Book to Grow Your Business, as well as a single mom of two adorable boys. She shares with us a valuable discovery: Parenting is management, and kids are like employees. See how a management technique from a book focused on executive leadership development made bedtime at Rebecca's house a breeze, and check out some more of her insights. 


Find Rebecca at http://www.thewrittencoach.com, and check out her Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/TheWrittenCoach.

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Single Mom/Book Coach Says: The Best Parenting Books are in the Business Section

There are no bedtime battles in my house. At 7:00 my kids take a bath, brush their teeth, put on their PJ's, read a story and get into bed—all with much enthusiasm and no argument. But up until two months ago, this was not the case. My older son, whose speech is somewhat disordered due to autism, used to shout, “No bed! No bed! Mommy can you have give it play? I want play? I WANT PLAY!!!” My toddler always joined in, “I want pway! No sweepytime! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!”

Determined to win these battles, I tried reasoning, negotiating, out-shouting, ignoring, soothing, cuddling, caressing, shushing, rocking, hugging—every technique in the book from Supernanny to Dr. Sears and beyond—and lost. After a while I just accepted that my kids weren’t going to be “sleep-trained” until they were much older. “Well it’s autism,” I said to myself. “He’s just not going to be ready to let go of me for a long time…”

The turnaround came when I was asked to write up a summary for one of my clients about a webinar based on the book, Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter, by Liz Wiseman. If you’ve never heard of it, it’s a Wall Street Journal bestseller focused on executive leadership development. Target audience = not single moms. I didn’t read this book expecting to find anything for me.

But there was an exercise in the book called, “The Extreme Question Challenge,” where you have to get a person, or a group of people, to accomplish a task, but you can’t use statements, directions, explanations or orders; you can only ask questions. It’s meant to help CEOs transition out of the Know-It-All mindset. The author learned about this technique from a co-worker, and then tried it on her kids. So I tried it on my kids…

That night at bedtime, I said, “What time is it?”

My older son said, “Bedtime!”

I followed up, “Oh. So…what do we do at bedtime?”

“We go upstairs!” he said excitedly and skipped towards the stairs.

“Shasha teef!” chirped the baby and ran after him. (…“brush your teeth” for those of you who don’t speak toddler.)

I went upstairs to find both boys standing at the bathroom sink, brushing away. When they finished, I asked, “What comes next?”

My older boy zipped over to his room and, all smiles, said, “Pajamas!”

“Where do pajamas go? On your head?”

“No! On your legs and on your tushy!” (commence giggles. You know, because, tushy).

I was really surprised at how much they knew. They didn’t need me to micromanage them through the bedtime routine. I was also touched by how much they wanted to impress me, and show me that they knew it. When I turned out the light and walked away, I almost cried. The problem with bedtime, all along, had been me.

I have since scoured Multipliers forwards and backwards, gleaning every ounce of instruction, inspiration and advice inside. I’m learning that leadership is a transformational process that takes practice and time, which is a concept I just never got from all the other parenting books out there. (I don’t know why exactly, but I suppose somehow it’s offensive to suggest that someone needs to improve their leadership skills in order to become an effective parent. It’s not what we want to hear.)

I've also changed the way I look at the business section of the bookstore. As the one-woman C-suite of my family, I've added the following books to my parenting library:

First, there’s Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, by Daniel H. Pink. From this book I learned the three key motivators for inspiring my emplo...er...my children to perform at the top of their creativity and intelligence. Simon Sinek’s, Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action is another great one. This life-changing book inspired me towards a deep inward search to discover what’s truly important to me about parenthood and why I chose to do it all in the first place. And The Speed of Trust, by Stephen M.R. Covey, taught me how to establish and nurture trust in my relationship with my kids.

When these authors set out to write their books, I sincerely doubt any of them had moms in mind. Their target markets are CEO’s and other business leaders, who manage multimillion-dollar organizations and have 500+ employees to supervise. But when a book speaks the truth, it becomes meaningful to all of us, even if all we supervise are two precocious little tots.

If you're reading my blog, it is likely you are considering writing a book to grow your business. Maybe it's worth taking a few moments to notice their far-reaching power. Books find their way to the people who need them, even if we don't know we need them.

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If you are interested in writing a guest post for Jessica on Babies, contact Jessica at jessicaonbabies (at) gmail (dot) com, or message her through her Facebook page. 

Guest Post: On Raising a Special Needs Child - "Welcome to Holland"

For this second in what I plan to be a series of guest posts, Aysha Tapp writes about the challenges and triumphs she faces in raising her son, who has cerebral palsy. It is hard for those of us with "typical" or "normal" children to understand what it's like to know that your child isn't going to develop along the same timeline as your friends' kids. Aysha describes the highs and lows of parenting a child with disabilities and shares a poem at the end that she feels best expresses how her life has changed since the birth of her son.

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Raising a child with a disability is one of the most difficult and most rewarding things a person can ever go through. 

My son is two and has cerebral palsy. He got stuck during birth and lost oxygen. After what seemed like forever, but was probably only 2-3 minutes, the midwives had broken his clavicle and pulled him out. He wasn’t breathing, was a whitish-purple, and had a very weak heartbeat. For the first thirty minutes we did not know if he was even alive. After two days, we were told that, on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 was completely normal and 10 was in a wheelchair unable to eat or speak, he would be an 8. We were devastated. We had spent nine months preparing to have this perfectly healthy baby boy. My husband dreamed of playing baseball and soccer with him; I dreamed of helping him with his first steps and playing with all of his other friends. All of those dreams came crashing to a halt in a matter of minutes. We felt so alone and devastated. We had friends tell us that “all babies develop on their own time scale,” and it frustrated us. I wanted to scream, “How can you say that?  How can you possibly understand?” It became a white elephant in the room isolating us from our friends, and we knew they were tired of us talking about it. Since then we have worked very hard, through therapies and surgeries, to get him to be able to do the things we were told he would never do. He started eating when he was 2 months, started pulling himself up at 2 years, and can say two or three words as well as saying about 10 in sign language. 

He is still nowhere near “normal” though. We had to get a handicapped sticker for our car because, even though he is only two, and a lot of other parents carry their two-year-olds, he cannot stand or sit on his own, and there IS NO putting him down while I do something else. We had to get a handicapped stroller for him, which looks like a wheelchair but without the giant wheels. As happy we all are that he has it, it’s still one more thing that makes us different, and it’s one more piece of hope gone.

The hardest thing to deal with is the obviousness of his disability as he gets older. When he was a year old it wasn’t so unusual that he wasn't walking yet. At two years, it feels pretty bad. He gets really frustrated when we are around other kids because he wants to be doing the things they are doing, but he can’t. He can’t play on a playground or slide down a slide without my help. He can’t get on a riding toy, or off a riding toy, or continuously on and off a riding toy, without my help. I have to be there for him in order for him to play with anything that isn’t on the floor. It is frustrating for him and frustrating for us as parents.

One of the awesome things is what the brain does in a situation like this. When faced with an injury where parts of the brain are severely damaged, the brain overcompensates in other areas. He is smart - like, really smart. He is testing cognitively as a three year old while his motor skills are stuck at 12 months or less. For example: He figured out how those singing greeting cards work after he intentionally took one apart (he was 16 months at the time). That was annoying. His brain is working to figure things out, but his hands and body won’t do what he wants them to do. He. Gets. So. MAD. So mad. A lot. As his mother, I am not sure how to help him. I don’t want to overcompensate by doing things for him, but at the same time I still want to help him. Where is that line, and have we already crossed it?

As difficult as it can be, I honestly believe people who do not have the experience of having handicapped children are missing something special. They don’t know what it’s like, on top of everything else a normal person does in a day, to go through hours of therapy every day so your child can do a simple task. You learn to celebrate the little things that most children breeze through. When our son drank from a straw for the first time we cheered and just about threw a party!! After three months of intensive therapy, bribing him with milkshakes and other yummy treats, he finally got it, and we could move on to the next thing. It was so beautiful! We have a bottle of champagne set aside for the day he walks on his own, which we probably won’t be opening for a few years, but I know it will happen someday. We have to know he will, because we can’t show him how to doubt.

It’s not easy having a disabled child. You break down, you feel hopeless, you blame yourself, and you isolate yourself from your friends. You get inducted into a new group of people who are thrown together through unfortunate events. When A was first born, someone I knew sent me a poem. It’s the best way I have found for describing what it feels like to be a parent of a disabled child. It still makes me cry. I'd like to share it with you.

Welcome to Holland

By Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

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If you would like to write a guest post for Jessica on Babies, please email Jessica at jshaham (at) gmail (dot) com with your topic. See this post for subjects we'd especially like to see covered and for additional information on guest posting. You retain all rights to your article and may repost or re-publish in other venues if you desire. Posts will be proofread and edited only for minor grammatical and spelling errors or for clarity.

Lynne's Birth Story - Jessica's Birth!

This is a very, very special blog post, written by my mom, about my birth and her breastfeeding experience with me. I'm struck both by how many similarities there are to giving birth 30+ years later, and also by what was different. Much of this should seem familiar to those of us who have had hospital births. There was far less breastfeeding support back then, but many of the challenges my mom faced are the same challenges faced by working women today. There wasn't much on the books at the time for breastfeeding mothers in the Navy, but my mother made her own rules! I hope you can see where I get some of my passion from in reading my mother's story.
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I really don’t remember why I decided that my baby would be born naturally and I would breastfeed. I’m the type of person who, when confronted with a new situation, will spend hours researching and reading, so it is possible that when I found out I was pregnant nearly thirty-two years ago, I rushed out and purchased as many books (no Internet) as I could find on childbirth and breastfeeding. I was greatly influenced by a book called The Immaculate Deception, by Suzanne Arms, published in 1975, which described the horrors of modern childbirth. I still have a copy of the book.  [Ed. note: This book is now out of print, but apparently the author wrote a second one: Immaculate Deception II: Myth, Magic and Birth, in 1994.]

Natural birth was becoming the “rage” in the early '80s, with hospitals opening up “Alternate Birth Centers” called “ABC rooms,” so I’m sure I was influenced by this trend, but there could have been other women in my life at the time who influenced me. As I said, I don’t remember. I do know that I wanted the very best for my baby, that she (I didn’t know it was a girl until she was born – no regularly-scheduled ultrasounds then) would have every benefit I could give her as she came into this mean, cruel world. I wanted her to be perfect.

I was (and I guess still am, but with less energy) a perfectionist and was not afraid of challenge or hardship, as I tended to push myself over the limit in everything I did. I was also extremely stubborn and tended to believe that if I wanted something, I would get it, so being an officer in the U.S. Navy at the time did not seem an obstacle to fulfilling my goals for my baby.

My pregnancy wasn’t anything interesting except for my high blood pressure, which the doctors passed off as nothing since it didn’t get any higher from my first prenatal visit. I gained more weight than I should have and I tended to eat a lot of chocolate but I exercised and did yoga. I expressed my desire for a natural birth and wrote up a “birth plan” to present to the attending doctor when the time came.

I worked passed my due date without a problem. That weekend, we went to a Triple A baseball game and fireworks at the stadium (the major leagues were on strike that summer). My water broke in the middle of the night and we called the hospital. They said to come right in. I knew that was a mistake; that I needed to stay home as long as I could and walk, walk, walk but I was also scared that something could happen with my water breaking so we trudged to the hospital in the middle of the night. I was only one centimeter dilated. They said that they preferred that I stay, because my blood pressure was high (no kidding), and I had signs of preeclampsia and a chance of infection, and we were too many miles away from home to turn around. I was admitted to a ward but I didn't want to just lie there, so my husband and I walked around the hospital campus for a while. I was hurting and scared and knew that I was starting out on the wrong foot, but I presented my birth plan to the resident. The poor guy; it was early in his rotation to OB, and he wanted to do well but was inexperienced, which is probably why he agreed to my birth plan. It included no drugs and no IVs or monitors so I could move around. I was hooked up to the monitors once an hour but was free to walk around the rest of the time. Ideally, when the contractions started and I was well on my way, I would gather my strength and all that I had learned from the myriads of reading materials and move around. Alas, I didn’t. I lay there for hours on my back, enduring the pain, which I could not believe was so bad, ignoring the breathing techniques we learned in our Bradley classes, but still determined to avoid drugs. I did not have an IV and did not drink anything, so I became dehydrated and the baby also. The doctor would come in periodically and check on me. He felt sorry for me and would induce a semi-trance to help me, which wasn’t helping since it reinforced me lying still for so long. My husband came and went, bored and scared.

The doctor did talk to me about a cesarean as my labor wasn’t progressing as quickly as it should have, but I declined. After twenty-six hours, on Monday morning, I was finally ready to push. I was transferred from the labor room to the delivery room. My husband was prepared with his camera but he had forgotten to put film in (no digitals then) so we don’t have a record of the birth. I pushed and pushed but the baby wasn’t coming out so the doctor took up his scissors (or whatever they were) and did the longest and deepest episiotomy on record (at least it seemed that way to my husband who nearly fainted, equating the sound to tearing a chicken wing in half) without asking. I had also been doing exercises to avoid an episiotomy but I guess they didn’t help. The baby slid right out amid a lot of blood and it was announced that it was a girl. I asked to have her on my chest and see if she would latch on but since her Apgar scores were too low, they let me have her for less than a minute and rushed her off to the neo-natal ICU. Not part of the plan but I was exhausted at that point.

I went to recovery and had to pee 1,000 cc’s before I could go to the ward. I requested that I be discharged as soon as possible, that I didn’t want to stay in the hospital. I had it in my mind to take the baby home right away, as I wasn’t sick and therefore did not need to be in the hospital. When the pediatricians visited, I told them I was going home and taking the baby with me. They said I could go home but the baby was in the NICU and wasn’t going anywhere. They had come to consult with me about her condition. She was extremely dehydrated and had “thick blood”. Her white cell count was elevated, suggesting an infection. They needed to take out half her blood and replace it with plasma because it was too thick to travel her veins and she was headed towards major brain damage if nothing was done, all because I wanted a natural birth, but I was stunned from the pain and the contractions into a trance and my doctor was too ignorant to compensate for the lack of modern intrusions like the IV for hydration.

I went home eleven hours after giving birth; the baby didn’t. I visited daily, tried to pump and tried to breastfeed her when they would let me, but they convinced me to start her on formula so she didn’t lose any weight so I agreed. She developed jaundice and spent five days in the NICU altogether before she was released. Luckily, she recovered completely.

I was still determined to breastfeed and started immediately. No one told me that babies can’t switch from formula to breast milk smoothly. She was up the entire night crying and pooping, crying and pooping. I knew nothing about the proper latch so every time she latched, I’d literally cry out for the pain. We finally settled into a routine and I tried to pump in between feedings (huh, she wanted to nurse all the time) in preparation for going back to work. I had six weeks off and decided to stay home full time for four of those weeks and return part time for four weeks, which was approved by my command.

I needed to pump and store the milk at work. I marched into my commander’s office and announced that I needed a private office so I could pump. It never occurred to me that he’d disagree; I was that sure of myself. He never said a word and I pumped until the baby was four months old and then had to start “supplementing” with formula as I couldn’t keep up with her demand. She nursed at night until nine and a half months and then stopped altogether, probably because I didn’t have enough milk.

In a way, that inexperienced doctor with a heart of gold did me a favor by not performing a cesarean, as there were no such things as VBACs then and I would have probably not breastfed (although I don’t really know), but there was also the real possibility of damage to my little girl because of my shock when labor actually came.

I learned a lot with her and knew a lot more when my son came along three years later. But, of course, my daughter is perfect!

Guest Post: A Tiny Toddler

The following is a guest post from a reader, who asked not to be identified. Hearing other mothers' stories will open up discussion on topics I may not have any personal experience with and provide a different perspective on parenting. I'm excited to present this first in a series of guest posts, in which this mother talks about her difficulty in getting her daughter to gain weight and grow according to the doctors' expectations. At what point do we go with our gut instinct over what the doctors think? How many tests, specialists, and evaluations do we put our children through before we decide on our own that maybe there's really nothing specifically wrong? And how do you convince a two-year-old to eat when she doesn't feel like it? We'd love to hear your comments!

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I should begin this post with some vital stats- I am barely 5 feet tall and was 20 years old before I hit 100 lbs. My daughter was born 5 lbs 3 oz full term but two weeks early.  At 6 months she was a healthy 11 lbs having doubled her weight as expected.  At 12 months she was just under 14 lbs and at 24 months just under 20 lbs. Twenty pounds is the average weight for a 1 year old . Between ages 1 and 2 my daughter has had 3 visits with a nutritionist, 3 visits with a gastroenterologist, numerous visits to the pediatrician, blood testing for every known allergy and carries a “failure to thrive” diagnosis on her medical record. Between ages 1 and 2 my daughter has also developed an impressive vocabulary, shockingly accurate memory, all of the age-appropriate gross and fine motor skills, “friendships” with her toddler classmates, and a thriving personality.  In that same year, our lives have turned into an endless feeding chore- finding food with the highest possible fat content, finding the best toys/stories/tricks to get food into her and most often finding the energy and patience within ourselves to get through one mealtime after the next.

A few months ago, after yet another period of no weight gain, I decided to do an experiment. I was pretty convinced that her lack of weight gain was due to insufficient intake of calories- there didn’t appear to be anything medically wrong- she just ate very small amounts of food and was much more interested in doing everything else under the sun other than eating.  On any given day she probably burns all of the calories she takes in, if not more. Or whatever is left over for growth translates into height increases and brain development- both parameters for which she is on the charts and growing on the curve. So we found a solution that held her attention and physically kept her seated long enough to shovel large quantities of high fat food into her that required as little chewing as possible: we let her have an iPad.  She watched and played and, blissfully unaware that she was “eating”, swallowed anything on a spoon we put in her mouth. The results were striking- she put on just over 1 lb in 1 month.  QED. But not wanting to make a habit out of it and having proven satisfactorily to myself that this was unlikely to be a medically-based problem, I went back to more “normal” meals. Weight gain over the next 6 weeks- 5 oz.

And so it is that I find myself in my current predicament- do I give in to her current medical providers' requests and put her through specialist visits and further testing? Do I trust my instinct that she is fine, try to cultivate a liking for food in her in a relaxed non-forceful environment (someone please describe what that is because I certainly don’t know!)? Do I find an alternate medical provider who might think more along those lines? Or do I simply go back to the iPad-fuelled feeding frenzy and get her “on the charts”? Do I, as many of my colleagues have suggested, not give a second thought to “Westernized” weight standards? In a society so plagued by obesity the concept of focusing on weight gain is hard to explain. Case in point- the insurance company’s repeated denial of our nutritionist visit claims because they would only be approved if the patients’s BMI is greater that 35. i.e. if you are obese we support your treatment, but if you are underweight we don’t recognize that as a medical problem. Is it time then that I stopped considering this a problem too?