A History of Sleep Deprivation

I've been enjoying the TimeHop app on my phone. It's fun to see old Facebook posts about things my kids said, or pictures of them, or other random happenings, or information I came across and wanted to share.

What has struck me, though, is just how many of those posts are about sleep, and how I wish I could get more of it.

Since I've been on Facebook for about seven years, give or take, some of these posts go back pretty far, at least to S's infancy. And almost daily, one of the posts from one of the years going back to when S was a baby has said something along the lines of, "I hope [whichever baby] lets me sleep tonight," or "WHY is [baby] not asleep yet?" or "I need more coffee," or "[Baby] actually slept through the night last night!"

And I'm still feeling that way, with Y approaching 19 months. Sleep is such a feature when it comes to babies and toddlers, it's such a central theme. I've had a baby or a toddler in my life nonstop for 8-1/2 years now, and in all that time, I've had just a few months here and there in which everybody in the house was sleeping through the night. This is not an exaggeration. It's simple truth. My Facebook history is witness to that.

Sleep is such an issue that there is a whole growing industry of "sleep consultants" who will meet with you in person or virtually, assess your baby's sleep habits and environment, and give you a personalized plan to get your baby sleeping through the night. A consultation and plan, with follow up, can run in the hundreds of dollars, and I imagine many parents feel it is money well spent. I feel like I know enough about infant sleep that if I had the will and the strength, I could do all this myself and have my kids sleeping through the night. But since I don't have that willpower, I don't think I could bring myself to follow someone else's plan, either. I'm not saying you shouldn't use a sleep consultant if you think it will help. I'm just saying I don't think it's the answer for my family.

The problem is that there is such a wide range of advice and rhetoric around infant and toddler sleep. At one end of the spectrum are those who say that by three to four months of age, you should put your baby in a crib in a dark room at a set bedtime, shut the door, and walk away, and don't return until the time he is "allowed" to wake up. No amount of crying from him should sway you to comfort him or in any way appear to be giving in to him. Because, they say, babies need to learn to sleep on their own, and if they don't learn it young, it will be harder and harder to learn it as they get older!

At the other end of the spectrum are those who say that a baby needs what she needs, and you should respond every time she asks for you. Indeed, if she needs to sleep in bed with you and suckle at your breast all night, then that's what you should do so that she feels safe and protected and secure, and so she knows that you will always be there for her. Some kids will need to sleep with you until they're five or six, but most will ask for their own bed at some point. After all, they say, in other cultures, the whole family sleeps together in one big bed anyway, so why do we in the West think it's wrong?

With this kind of contradictory advice about what you "should" be doing for your baby, and what your baby "should" be doing, what is a new parent to believe? Who's right?

I think both are right. And neither. I think parents and baby have a right to a good night's sleep, have a right to their needs being met, and have a right to negotiate the best possible sleep for everybody. I adamantly disagree that if you don't "teach" a baby to sleep through the night when he's six months old, then he'll be waking at night for years. I also adamantly disagree that if parents are simply uncomfortable allowing a baby or toddler to sleep in their bed, they should do it anyway for the best interests of their child.

How you go about finding this middle ground will vary depending on your personality and parenting style. I'm a hands-off type, and after four kids, I've learned that eventually you hit a wall and have to make a change, and usually at that point it's easier than you expected it to be to make that change. I'm also lazy about enforcing a schedule or pattern, and I am pulled in too many directions at night to focus so strongly on just one of the kids. Usually I get a sense of what I need to do, then find a way to work up to it, and then suddenly implement the new rule, which takes a few nights or weeks to stick. I tend to take things in stages. First, put him in his own bed (as opposed to mine). Next, wean him from needing to nurse at night (in the hope that if he doesn't have that to wake up for, he won't bother waking up). Finally, if he is still waking for comfort even if he's not nursing, help him learn self-soothing techniques so he can put himself back to sleep instead of calling for me. This was the general process I did with G starting at about 15 months, and it took about eight months until he was totally falling asleep on his own, in his own bed, and sleeping through until morning without waking me.

I have the benefit of knowing that they do eventually sleep through the night. My 8 and 6-year-olds take their own bath or shower, get themselves in PJs, and read to themselves in bed, then put themselves to sleep and sleep through until morning (barring illness, bathroom, or nightmares, of course). Neither was always that way, and indeed both woke me many, many, many times at night until I finally decided to attempt a change. Change is slow but inexorable, and eventually you realize, hey, it's been a while since I needed to tend to him at night!

I'll be starting the next stage of this process with Y soon. He's already sleeping in his own bed, but, unfortunately, I usually end up sleeping there with him most nights. He also nurses several times a night and nurses to sleep for naps and bedtime as well. My next project will be to night-wean him, so that he no longer needs or asks to nurse at bedtime or throughout the night. I hope that he will simply start sleeping through the night at that point, but, judging from my experience with G, I will probably have to tend to night-wakings for a few more months, and possibly do some light sleep training, before everyone in the house goes to bed, goes to sleep, and sleeps through until morning.

What a luxurious time that will be!

Maybe a few years from now, when I look at my TimeHop or my Facebook history, I won't be inundated with complaints about my babies' sleep. Instead, I'll be relatively well-rested, alert, and able to focus more of my energies on living life, instead of craving sleep.

I wish you all good nights and good sleep.

If you have any questions about infant sleep, I've written on this subject many times. Check out the sleep tag for lots of stories and information.

When Kids are Sick at Night

The other night, my 2.5-year-old was coughing up a storm. I tried all the usual remedies - from Vicks on the feet to sitting in a steamy bathroom to giving him a dose of albuterol to a spoonful of honey (rejected) to sitting outside in the cool air to try to soothe the inflammation - but it was over two hours before the coughing fit ended. I suspect it was some combination of all of these efforts that eventually calmed the spasms. After the poor kid finally relaxed and was able to sleep, around midnight, I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, listening. His bedroom wall adjoins ours, so I can hear him clearly if he does make any sound.

The baby was asleep beside me. The older two kids were cuddled together on the 5-year-old's bed, as they are wont to do, the 7-year-old snoring softly, more of a low hum than the buzz of a chainsaw.

I was tense, waiting for the hacking to start up again, for the thump of his sliding out of bed, the pit-pat of his feet on the wood floor, a "Mommy, I want to come up your bed." But I heard none of these things, to my relief.

I strained for the sound of gentle breathing, the rasping of a half-stuffed nose, the scraping of his water cup against the wall.

I was wired. On nights like these, all senses are on alert for signs of distress. My brain is seeking other avenues of comfort, cataloging the medicines available in the house, running lists of possible remedies, planning for an emergency room run or a phone call to an after-hours nurse line. I am calculating how much sleep is left to me for the night, deciding how badly I need it, figuring out what can be sacrificed the next day, just in case.

But, the extended quiet period continued. My eyes grew heavy. I forced myself to stay awake for a few more minutes, just to make sure. I resisted the urge to go check on him, buried the nonsensical fear that something was terribly wrong, reassured myself that an intriguing mix of bubbe meises (grandma's wisdom) and modern medical knowledge had relieved the coughing so he could sleep comfortably.

It was a while before my body and brain allowed me to drift off to sleep, and I was still half-listening for a new coughing fit to begin. In fact, I was very confused when I did hear someone cough, many hours later, but it wasn't the toddler. It took me a few moments to change gears and realize that it was the baby, cuddled up next to me, who had coughed!

I find that I am so attuned to my kids that I am the first to wake up and become aware when one is unhappy or uncomfortable, often before he himself even awakens fully. I hear the whimpering, the out-of-character squirming in bed, the unusual rhythm of his breath. I lie in bed, eyes open, wondering if and when I'll have to wrest myself from the covers and untangle myself from the baby to check on which ever child is in need.

I suppose that awareness of your kids doesn't end when they grow out of toddlerhood. I remember being 11 or 12 and upset about something late at night. I would cry softly in my bed until my mom would wake up and come to my room to find out what was wrong. I didn't go to her. I didn't call for her. But she always knew that I was unhappy and came to comfort me.

Knowing that I know when something's not right with my babies means that I can relax and sleep when everything's fine. I don't have to worry, because I trust my Mama-sense. Perhaps, one day, I'll be able to sleep deeply and unaware once more, but as long as my children are nearby, I'll have half an ear cocked in their direction, I'm sure.

Let's Talk about Sleep, Baby!

If there's a topic common to all parenting blogs, websites, Facebook pages, and playgroups, it's sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. "Does your baby sleep well?" "When did your baby sleep through the night?" "How many times do you feed your baby at night?" "How much sleep are you getting?" "Does your baby sleep in your bed?" Sleep. Always sleep.

Sleep is a necessity, and we feel it when we don't get enough. The whole day is affected by how well we slept the night before, whether or not we have kids. But when our sleep is disrupted because of an external force - the baby - we can become resentful and frustrated, because it feels like something outside of our control. Then the discussions about "sleep training" begin. "How do I get my baby to fall asleep on his own?" "How do I get him to stop waking up at night?" "Is he really hungry at night or just eating out of habit?" "Would a pacifier help? What about a lovey?"

Here's what I know about baby sleep.

1. Sleep patterns are not linear.
We have this idea that babies start out waking every three hours to eat, then decreasing the night wakings over time until they're *poof* sleeping through the night, at which point they will continue to do so. This is really, really not the case. Many full-term, healthy, breastfed newborns will sleep fairly soundly, waking every three to four hours or so to eat, especially when they sleep in close proximity to their mothers. However, at around four months of age, there are some major developmental spurts that cause what we call a "sleep regression." Your baby who was sleeping three to four hours at a time, or even more in some cases, suddenly starts waking every hour or two to eat, fussing, crying, needing to be held or rocked. All the "tricks" you had don't work, and you're exhausted. Things slowly improve, and then, around eight or nine months, it happens again! And again at 13 months. And again at 18 months. While you probably will experience these changes in your baby's sleep habits, you should notice an overall trend, over months and years, toward more acceptable (by adult standards) sleep patterns. Some kids don't sleep through the night until after two years old. Some sleep through the night for a while and then stop. Just because your formerly excellent sleeper is now waking every hour and a half doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It just means your baby is growing and experiencing physical and mental growth, learning new skills, erupting teeth, and meeting milestones. And while those years sure seem long when you're in them, one day you will sleep again. I promise.

2. Babies don't need to be taught to sleep on their own.
Sleeping through the night is not a skill that needs to be taught; it's a developmental stage that will be reached when the baby is ready. You have not fallen into some great trap if you don't "teach" your baby to sleep through the night by six months, or a year, or two years. You are not doing your baby a disservice by feeding or comforting him when he wakes at night. You are not reinforcing "bad" habits by shushing, patting, rocking, nursing, feeding, offering a pacifier, or bringing him to your bed when he wakes up at night. You are not creating a future insomniac by assisting your baby in falling back to sleep. There are some methods that may help your baby sleep in longer stretches or cease to wake you up at night, and these range from slow and gradual night-weaning to "extinction" crying. Some of these methods work some of the time for some babies. You may successfully teach your baby to sleep well at night and then find, a few months on, that he starts waking again at night. You haven't done anything wrong if you do "sleep train" and it wears off, and you haven't done anything wrong if you don't "sleep train." And, just because your baby sleeps through the night doesn't mean there's anything wrong with someone else's baby who doesn't.

3. Some babies do need to eat at night, and some don't.
Many pediatricians and sleep experts, especially the "old school" ones, will tell you that a baby older than six months doesn't need to eat at night, developmentally speaking, and that if your eight-month-old baby is still waking to nurse or takes a bottle at night, it's because you're reinforcing a bad habit and not because the baby is genuinely hungry. While some babies will stop waking to eat by six months of age (my oldest stopped waking for a bottle at about 5 months), others will continue to wake up hungry throughout the night long beyond that arbitrary age. A baby needs a given number of calories in a 24-hour period, and while some will take in enough during the daylight hours to sustain them through the night, others will not. If your baby is eating enthusiastically at those 1:00 and 4:00 a.m. wake-ups, then I think it's safe to say she really is hungry at those times. If she sucks a few times and then falls asleep for three hours, she's probably doing what we call "non-nutritive sucking," meaning she's not taking in much milk but just needed a little help soothing herself back to sleep. Increasing daytime feeds (in frequency and/or quantity) may help to decrease nighttime feeds. Remember that, especially in the early weeks and months, those early morning and middle-of-the-night feeds are essential for your milk supply, as prolactin levels are much higher at night.

4. Do what works for you and your baby.
If your baby sleeps the best cuddled up with you, then let your baby sleep cuddled up with you (assuming you're in a safe cosleeping environment, of course). If your baby sleeps the best swaddled in a bassinet in another room, then put your baby to bed swaddled in a bassinet in another room. If you simply cannot function because of how often your baby wakes at night, try a method to get him to sleep in longer stretches, whether that's crying-it-out or cosleeping or something in between. If you are content with your baby's sleep patterns and you can function during the day with the amount of sleep you're getting, don't let someone else's experience make you think you're doing something wrong by leaving things as they are. If you feel there is a medical reason your baby is not sleeping, consult with a doctor. If you feel that your baby is not getting enough sleep for her, see what you can do to help her sleep better. With sleep, as with all things baby, finding what works for you is going to make your parenting journey that much smoother.
 

This, Too, Shall Pass, and Other Wisdom

I find myself, with about eight weeks left of this pregnancy, suddenly terrified of having a newborn again. This happens with each consecutive child. I cycle from excited, to thinking we must be crazy, to content, to excited, to terrified, to content, to excited, to OMG WHAT WERE WE THINKING?, then back to excited, then content, then terrified.

Part of it is our kids are spaced just-so, that we finally are at a point where sleep is basically working, routines are basically established, everybody's got some level of independence, and I feel like I'm in the groove, and then we throw another newborn into the mix and everything gets thrown out of whack again. And this being my fourth time through the ringer, well, I kind of do know what to expect.

In some ways, knowing what to expect is comforting. I know what to do with a newborn. I know phases start and phases end. I have almost seven years of watching kids grow up under my belt and have been through sleeplessness and teething and illness and firsts and potty training and nightmares and picky eating and tantrums and I know that "this, too, shall pass" is an absolute mantra of parenting. I know I can stick it out for a little longer until one problem ends as suddenly as another begins. I can pass along the sage wisdom of, "Just when you think you have it all figured out, they change it up on you again," and I can remember it for myself. I know that "do what works," "wait it out," and "give it another couple weeks" are absolute truths. I know that every kid is different, that every baby needs love, and that I have the strength and capacity to make it through this hour, this day, this week.

But in other ways, knowing what to expect is terrifying! I know about the sleepless nights, the crying for no reason (both me and the baby!), the stress of feeding issues and poo-splosions. I know about the pain of recovering from childbirth. I've experienced the complexities of balancing the needs of the older kids and the baby, and the sheer exhaustion of new parenthood. (And it's still new, even when it's for the fourth time.) I know about the disruption of routine, the randomness of life with a newborn, and the stress of evening fussiness. I know that sleepless nights and teething woes are once again on the horizon.

I find I do have a longer view than I used to. I'm already thinking about next fall, when my second will start kindergarten, my third will be three, and the new one, who is right know kicking and dancing within me, will be almost one. Because I can envision that, when it used to seem impossible that my kids would ever grow up, grow bigger, start school. It used to feel like toddlerhood was forever, that I'd be always wiping butts and noses (not simultaneously), cutting up food into tiny pieces, and washing sippy cups. Now I see that it is not. That life will change. That one day my days will be my own (except for school breaks and sickness), that my kids will be helpful in stores, that I won't have car seats to buckle or diapers to change, that I won't have to supervise trips to the bathroom, that as suddenly as life changes when you give birth, life gradually evolves again as that baby becomes a little person who walks and talks and has opinions all his own.

So, I'm terrified of the short term, of what I know is coming in the next few months and years. But I'm excited, too, about the long term, of watching another bright soul come into his own, of seeing our once-little family become huge and full of life and noise and warmth and love.

To those of you out there with one little one, or two little ones, who see life at knee-height, whose days are full of poop and whose nights are empty of sleep: give it a few weeks, months, a year. Life will expand. Your kids will grow. You will grow. You have the strength to make it through this hour, this day, this month. And while you may not look back fondly on every tantrum (yours or theirs), you'll look back and know that the weeks are shorter than they seem and that the months go by faster than you could ever have imagined.

Pregnancy Dreams

Pregnancy can bring on some very strange dreams. I remember when I was pregnant with my first, I dreamed I had given birth to a kitten and was nursing it. I then read another mother's story that she had dreamed of giving birth to spiders! I preferred the kitten dream.

If I'm experiencing any unrelated anxiety, it often translates in my dreams as pregnancy or delivery-related worries. This is especially true if I'm in any way uncomfortable as I sleep or if I'm experiencing any mild contractions (these are called Braxton-Hicks and are perfectly normal and of no concern unless they become progressively painful and more regular - more than four in a one-hour period).

The other night was one of those nights.

I dreamed that my baby was kicking so strongly that I could actually see individual toes through my skin. I then dreamed that I could actually see about half his body. My doctor informed me that I had a rare condition in which the baby was actually emerging through a hole in my uterus, and I required an immediate c-section. The next "scene" in the dream, I had just come out of the c-section, and was sitting at what looked like a cafeteria table, slightly uncomfortable. I asked the nurse if I could please lie down. She told me they had had to do an experimental new type of c-section in which the incision was horizontally across the top of my uterus instead of the more traditional low-transverse cut (also called the "bikini cut"). She said they didn't have a bed available, but that they'd give me one as soon as they could. I then asked if I could have my baby because I wanted to nurse him as soon as possible. She assured me they would bring him to me. Then I was holding my baby, who had a head of straight, black hair (my husband and I both have light-brown/reddish hair, and our three sons are two redheads and a blond) and looked slightly Asian in appearance (quite surprising, since my husband and I are both of European ancestry!).

That's about all I remember of the dream, but when I woke up, I found I was lying flat on my back and my arms were tingling. I had probably been in that position for a while and was experiencing the vague symptoms of reduced blood pressure and blood flow caused by the weight of my uterus on my vena cava. I rolled to my side and felt instantly better.

It's interesting, this dream, because the fact of the c-section itself didn't bother me at all. I was much more anxious about getting to meet and nurse my baby. I think my brain is coming to terms with knowing that I will in all likelihood have a successful and uneventful VBAC, but if a c-section is necessary, then it's necessary and isn't the end of the world. I also think I have so much on my mind right now that thinking about the birth is actually fairly low on the list of immediate concerns. Hey, it's nearly three months away right now. I've got stuff to worry about in the next few weeks totally unrelated to the birth of this baby. Indeed, my pregnancy is more of an inconvenience than anything! (Not that I'm not excited about the new baby!) In fact, in the dream I was already planning how I would present my birth story on the blog, both excited and slightly embarrassed to report on my c-section.

Obviously, I'm only about 28 weeks pregnant right now and have no intention of delivering this baby for another 11 to 12 weeks. But I know I'm definitely entering the third trimester, with all its associated discomforts and worries, and my subconscious is surely preparing itself for the birth, even if I have other things to occupy my conscious mind.

Have you had weird pregnancy or delivery dreams? Please share!

Guest Post: 8 Tips for Sleeping Comfortably During Pregnancy

Today we have a guest post from Scott Smith, a sleep counselor who advises on sleep and mattresses. He provides some tips for getting comfortable in bed during the different stages of pregnancy.

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Normally, the human body only makes significant changes to itself about every seven years or so.  The only natural exception to this rule is pregnancy.  Within nine months, body parts change size, the sleeping position that used to be comfortable is no longer possible, and the body is under a different type of stress and strain that may need different support.

While it’s unrealistic to change your mattress at every new stage, there are some things that can make you more comfortable on the bed that you have, through each trimester of pregnancy. 

First Trimester Tips:

• During the first trimester, the outside of your body isn’t changing much, but the inside is.  This is a great time to prepare your bed for the coming months by adding a waterproof mattress protector.  This will protect your bed against uncontrollable morning sickness, weakening of your bladder control muscles, as well as if your water breaks while in bed.
• You may notice some breast tenderness that will make stomach sleeping uncomfortable.  Try to sleep on your side, and hug a pillow to your chest to keep your chest open.  Also put a pillow between your knees to keep your hips comfortable.

Second Trimester Tips:

• As your body starts to change, your sleeping will also.  Sleeping on your stomach, if it was still possible until this point, will now be out of the question.  Similarly, back sleeping will become uncomfortable as your developing baby weighs on your other organs.  Sleep on your left side for optimal blood flow and nutrients to your baby.  Laying on the left can also help your kidneys do their job, which can ease swelling in your extremities.  Follow the pillow tips above for more comfortable sleep.
• Some women feel increased sensitivity in their ribs and hips, and may be tossing and turning a lot at night.  If this is the case, think about adding a mattress topper to your existing mattress, to make it a little softer and to ease those pressure points.
• Acid reflux can be problematic starting in the second trimester.  If you don’t have an adjustable bed, consider purchasing a wedge to sleep on at night, to elevate your head and torso.  Also, avoid eating right before bed, as well eating acidic foods such as tomato sauce, spicy food, or citrus.

Third Trimester Tips:

• Back soreness and pain is par for the course in the third trimester, so you want to make sure that you’re on a mattress that is supportive enough, without being too firm.  Have your partner stand behind you while you’re lying on your side, to make sure that your spine isn’t curved.  Arrange pillows to support your spine, by either placing them under your stomach, along your back, or between your knees.
• With all that extra blood that’s pumping through you, it’s easy to become overheated.  Instead of one big comforter, consider using layers to keep yourself warm.  That way, you can throw off and put on layers at will to maintain your perfect temperature.
• It may be difficult to get out of bed if you’re at the end of your pregnancy, especially if the bed is very soft.  Put a heavy piece of furniture next to the bed to help you pull yourself out.  Also, perfect the “pregnancy roll”, and roll yourself out of bed instead of trying to sit up.

Pregnancy is a wonderful time, but it can also be quite uncomfortable.  Your body is not only supporting itself, but is also forming a new person.  You need to treat it well, let it rest, and promote comfort so that it can put its best towards your new baby. 

If you are considering purchasing a new bed before or during pregnancy, really look hard at what you’ll need both during this time, as well as after. 

Scott Smith is the author of DrSnooze and a Sleep Counselor who also advises on sleep and mattresses. Follow him @DrsnoozeMatt and visit his blog at http://www.drsnooze.com/blog/ or http://www.drsnooze.com/brands/comforpedic.html

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Are you finding it difficult to get comfortable in bed as your pregnancy progresses? Try out some of Scott's tips and let us know if they helped you! Do you have anything to add from your own experience?

Night-Weaning My Toddler: "Real-Time" Log

On Monday night/Tuesday morning, April 23, at about 2:00am, I suddenly decided that I didn't want to nurse my 19-month-old to sleep anymore or allow him to nurse at night. At that point, I had been nursing him for nearly two hours straight, he was still awake, and I was about to crawl right out of my skin. My milk is all but dried up at this point, and he's really just nursing for comfort. Knowing he no longer needs the nutrition or the calories, knowing that he is capable of falling asleep without the breast (he just doesn't want to), I made him let go and told him to go to sleep. He was surprisingly willing, and he eventually fell asleep. I spent that entire restless night in his bed, and woke around 6:00 feeling as though I hadn't had a lick of sleep the whole night.

I figured, if I was this tired anyway, and the nights were this bad anyway, I might as well stick to my guns and start the night-weaning process. I had been trying to decide when to do this; I knew it was becoming necessary, but I was waiting for "the moment." Finally, it happened. I knew it was time. I had already decided that, when the time was right, I would deal with one sleep issue at a time. First, I would help him learn that he can fall asleep without nursing. Anything else he needs, I will do. For example, if he needs to be hugged, or have his back rubbed, or just to have me lie in his bed with him, I will continue to do those things. One step at a time, slowly. Better sleep is on the horizon.

While I'm always in favor of meeting my kids' needs, it is also important to maintain my own health and sanity  so that I can parent them effectively and with patience. I think that at 19.5 months, G is capable of understanding "No, we're not nursing at night anymore," he is capable of falling asleep without nursing, and I will not be causing any long-term stress by making some changes at this point. I expect this to take three to five nights.

What I did is keep a nightly log here, so what you'll be reading is sort of a "real-time" account of how each night went.

Tuesday, 4/23:

I allowed him to nurse normally throughout the day Tuesday, including for his nap, and then I allowed him to nurse for a few minutes after his bath, in his pajamas in his bed, but I told him that he wasn't going to nurse to sleep anymore, and he wasn't going to nurse at night. I cut him off around 7:40pm. I made him stop, closed up shop, and steeled myself. He was very angry, and let me know by crying, screaming, and demanding to nurse. I told him no gently, said again that there was no more nursing at night, and that he needed to go to sleep. He calmed, lay down for a bit, snuggled with me a bit, then asked again to nurse. I reiterated the same trope, no,  no more nursing at night. He wailed again, cried, expressed his anger. He was definitely not happy about this. I continued to speak quietly to him, shhh him, stroke his face and back (he pushed my hand away). Occasionally, he crawled out of bed, walked around his room, and came back. He tried different positions, gathered his blankies around him, and tried asking to nurse again. Again, I said no, we're not nursing at night, and he needed to go to sleep. Finally, around 8:15 or 8:20, he was tired enough that he was willing to try something else. I was lying on my back on his bed. He climbed up on top of me, nestled the top of his head into my neck, put his arms around me, and relaxed. By 8:30, I was able to leave his room with him asleep on his bed. Many nights, it would have taken him this long to fall asleep even with nursing, so I am encouraged. I'm interested to see how the rest of the night goes.

10:25pm: Woke up asking for water and whining. I offered him his water, which he drank, then asked to nurse. I told him no, reminded him again that we aren't nursing at night anymore. He protested briefly. I stroked his head but he pushed me away, rolled away from me, and was asleep by 10:30.

1:00am: Similar to previous wakeup. Was asleep within 10 minutes.

3:24am: Again, similar to above. Was asleep within 5 minutes.

Wednesday, 4/24:

Woke for the day around 7:00am, as usual. Perfectly happy.

10:30am: Asked to nurse. I said yes, showed him that it's daytime. Started to fall asleep for his nap while nursing. I popped him off (with great difficulty -  he didn't want to let go). He started sobbing, wouldn't try to go back to sleep. I let him nurse for a few more minutes on the other side, told him "all done," and he hopped off the bed and went to play.

2:00pm: Nursed to sleep for his nap (finally), but I popped him off just before he was totally settled. He rooted a bit, but I put a little pressure on his chin with my finger and repeated "go to sleep" a few times, and he settled the rest of the way to sleep.

8:30pm: Bedtime started way too late. Had to start all over again to convince him that I really wasn't going to nurse him. He was very angry. He cried for a few minutes, then got up and wandered around the room, playing. He tried to go downstairs. I had to go bring him back to bed several times. He finally gave in to staying on his bed, but he sat there and said "no" every time I told him to lie down and go to sleep. I picked up my phone and started reading Facebook. He then grabbed a blankie and climbed on top of me like last night and fell asleep. I was able to leave his bed at 9:20. This is a stressful and difficult process, and you really do have to hit that wall of, "I just have to make a change!" You have to stick to whatever decision you make. The second I relent and let him nurse, I'll have undone any progress I made last night. It took about 40 minutes total, once lights were out and the other two boys were trying to fall asleep (rather than chatting) for G to fall asleep. Again, not really any longer than it might have taken him anyway. I think the biggest problem was starting bedtime way too late - he got overtired, then hyper, and I had to wait for him to calm down before he was willing to try to go to sleep.

1:24am: First wakeup! At first, seemed like he'd go right back to sleep, but then got upset when I wouldn't nurse him. Reminded him that he doesn't need to nurse at night, stroked his head, and he settled back down. Back to sleep at 1:36 (12 minutes).

2:38am: Woke up again. Took about 5 minutes to resettle.

Thursday, 4/25:

Woke for the day around 7:00am.

10:50am: Nursed down for nap, but popped him off before he was completely out. Rooted for a few seconds, then settled.

7:35pm: Began the going-to-sleep process. He had seemed to be a bit more reluctant than in the past to go to bed, possibly because he knew there was something that would upset him. Hard to tell. Demanded to nurse a few times, cried piteously when told no. Got out of bed once, went to the top of the stairs and cried. I brought him back to bed and hugged him, rocked him a little. Lay down next to me quietly for a few minutes, then tried to lift my shirt. I told him no again, and he sat up and started crying again. Cried for a few minutes, then climbed on top of me as in the previous two nights. Fell asleep that way. Was asleep by about 7:50 or 7:55 (hard to tell). I left the room at 8:00pm!

9:04pm: Roused briefly. Needed to be repositioned, reminded to go back to sleep. Was asleep in 2 minutes.

Friday, 4/26:

5:38am: Woke for the first time! Was angry with me when I refused to nurse. Insisted on going to my bed with me. Rested with me in my bed, calm and quiet, but not asleep. Got up around 6:15.

I want to make this a little more noticeable: HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!

I will keep this log for two more nights to see if the pattern continues.

10:20am: Down for a nap. Nursed. It was quite difficult to get away from him. I'm beginning to think that nursing him for naps and not at night might confuse him. We'll see how it goes over the next few days.

Approximately 9:00pm: Lights out - late night again. Took about half an hour to fall asleep, but no crying! Some variables were that both Grandma and Daddy were in the room at bedtime, which doesn't happen on weeknights. Eventually fell asleep next to me (not on top of me!).

10:30pm: Woke briefly looking for his water. Back to sleep within 5 minutes.

Saturday, 4/27:

7:15am: Up for the day after no further night-wakings!

2:30pm: Late nap, very tired. Nursed to sleep.

4:40pm: I woke him up from his nap because I didn't want to him sleep any later than that.

8:00pm: Started bedtime. He was not tired yet and was playing and happy. Eventually settled down and fell asleep a little after 9:00, which was earlier than I expected. No crying, no asking to nurse!

11:00pm: Woke whining. Settled back down and was asleep within 10 minutes. Did not ask to nurse.

5:37am: Woke unhappy. Seemed uncomfortable, but did  not ask to nurse. I stayed with him for a few minutes until he settled. Eventually went back to sleep until about 7:00am. He came to my bed at that point, and I allowed him to nurse for a while. When his brothers went downstairs, he went with them.

I'm going to end this log here. After 5 nights, three of which he essentially slept through, and two of which there was no crying or asking to nurse at bedtime, I consider this a success!

Hopefully he will continue to sleep well at night. I'm very much enjoying my quiet nights after over 19 months of nightly interrupted sleep.

I've said many times before that if you're going to try to make any changes to your baby's sleep, it takes about three to five nights of absolute consistency to make the new routine and see if you've effectively made the change. That seems to have held up this time. I can't tell you how incredible it is to sleep through the night after so long. I still don't think I could have made it happen any sooner - the stars had to align just so for it to work so perfectly, but I just knew it was time.

Have you made changes to your baby's sleeping arrangements or habits? What methods did you use, and how old was your baby? How long did it take for you to see success?

Check out the "sleep" tag for more posts about sleep!

Ask-Me Monday: Newborn Sleep

Jessica on Babies' first Ask-Me Monday video is LIVE! Today we're talking about newborn sleep. Check out the video. If you haven't already, Like Jessica on Babies on Facebook today and submit your own question for next week's Ask-Me Monday!

Sleep: 18-Month Edition

Well folks, it's happened: The 18-month sleep regression. Or should I say, The Eighteen-Month Sleep Regression.

At least, I assume that's what it is. G is 18 months, and his sleep is worse than a newborn's. For that matter, he's nursing more than a newborn, he's crankier than a newborn, he's crying more than a newborn! I'm very frustrated. I'm stressed out and tired and exhausted and sometimes resentful of him for taking up so much of my time either nursing or crying because he wants to nurse. No exaggeration, he basically nursed from 3:00 to 5:30 this afternoon. Arrrgh!

He's also getting the two bicuspids on the bottom. He has the top two, as well as all eight incisors. None of the other 10 teeth caused nearly this much upset. Since Sunday night, he will wake up crying and literally just scream and cry for an hour. He insists on being held, wants to walk all over the house (at un-G-dly hours, incidentally), and will then suddenly fall asleep against my chest as I sit on the couch. I can then wait a bit for him to fall into a deeper sleep and then lay him in his bed. He'll sleep on his own for a while, maybe two to three hours, and then wake again crying. I've been trying to stay on top of giving him pain medication, but it doesn't seem to help completely. I've never seen anything like it. I'm not comfortable using Orajel or other mouth-numbing products, and while I have two amber teething necklaces, I can't find either one! I don't know if the amber necklaces actually help or not, but I'm willing to try anything to help this kid.

I would ordinarily suspect an ear infection, but he has no other symptoms: he's not congested or coughing, no runny nose, he wasn't sick or congested within the past week or two, and he has no fever, vomiting, or any other obvious distress. Also, he's pretty much fine during the day and this only hits at night.

Crossing fingers, though, tonight seems a bit better so far. Here's hoping!

In any case, here are my plans for the next few months, sleep-wise.

First off, I want to night-wean. Night-weaning is when you no longer allow the baby/child to nurse during sleeping hours. The idea is that if they don't wake to nurse, they won't need to wake at all, and everyone will get more sleep. I also want to encourage him to be eating more during the day, and as long as he's getting a significant amount of his daily calories during the night, he just isn't going to be as hungry during the day. At some point, this nocturnal snacking has to end!

My nightweaning plan is to basically pick three or four nights where I assume I won't sleep (not that I've been getting much sleep anyway!), and just try to soothe him and talk him back to sleep as best I can but not allow him to nurse during defined hours, say 8:00pm to 6:00am or something. There's no reason an 18-month-old can't go 10 hours without eating at night. I don't know how difficult it will be to get him to go back to sleep. I don't know how much he'll cry/whine/insist/yell/scream. Probably a lot. I'm warming up to it, maybe when he gets over this bout of teething. My hope is that once he's night-weaned, he simply won't need to wake as often, or if he does wake, he'll be able to get back to sleep on his own.

Then, after he's night-weaned, the goal will be, of course, to eliminate night-wakings completely. The only way I know to do this is to force him to learn to put himself to sleep. I figure this will require graduated steps beginning with me helping him fall asleep by rocking, patting, or whatever works, and eventually doing that less and less until he's falling asleep without my help.

I do think I need to wait another few weeks, both to make sure those teeth have come in and aren't a factor in his wakings, and also to get through the brunt of this crazy time when his brain is making leaps and bounds and his language ability is exploding and his understanding of the world and his place in it are developing. Perhaps at 19 or 20 months, he'll stabilize enough that I won't need to take drastic measures. But, if I do need to push him a little, I'll feel comfortable knowing that he's at a good age to give it a try.

At least he likes sleeping in his own bed! That change went very smoothly.

Let's share teething stories in the comments here or on the Facebook page. What was your worst teething experience with your kid(s)? How did you handle it? What recommendations do you have for other parents to help soothe the teething pain and help your baby sleep during those few days and nights when a tooth is erupting?

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P.S. Unrelated to the above, but you need to go read Magda Pecsenye's (AskMoxie) letter to her sons about preventing rape.

Sleep: 16 Month Update

I've said it before and I'll say it again: There's something about 16 months. I was able to make major changes in both N's and S's sleep habits when they were 16 months, and now I've changed G's sleep situation at 16 months, and it's gone amazingly smoothly so far.

We finally purchased bunk beds for N and S, which made room for G to have his own bed in their room. My plan was to introduce his bed (S's old bed) as a new nursing and sleeping place and start to eliminate my bed as a place that he would expect to sleep. I had thought this would be a slow process, but I was surprised at how agreeable G was. I'm telling you: 16 months.

Let me give you a little timeline.

Around five or six months of age, I had started introducing a blankie. I always had it on hand when we'd nurse in bed. He'd play with it, fidget with it, stroke it while he nursed, and he started to associate the blankies with nursing and sleep. Indeed, sometimes when he wanted to nurse, he would go get a blankie and bring it to me! This wasn't exactly what I was going for, but it certainly served one very useful purpose. It meant that wherever I wanted to nurse him to sleep, I but needed to have one or two of his blankies (there are several, actually) there so he'd know that's what was expected.

When we got the boys' new beds at the beginning of January, I left S's bed where it was, planning to slowly start having G nap there and working up to always sleeping there. I had to wait until we reasserted our regular routine, with N going to school all day, vacations being over and done with, and random day outings kept to a minimum. This way, I could be sure that we'd be home for G's nap. On Monday, with winter break over, I put a clean sheet on G's new bed and told him he was going to nap on his new bed! I made it sound very exciting. "Look, here's your new bed! Do you want to nurse here? You can nap here in your room now! Wow!" He giggled and saw that his blankies were on the bed and promptly climbed onto the bed and signed that he wanted to nurse. Okie doke.

I nursed him down for his nap, which went much more smoothly than I'd expected. I was worried that being in this new environment would be distracting for him and that he wouldn't buckle down and concentrate on nursing and falling asleep. Fortunately, he'd spent plenty of time in that room with us and was not overly excited about the new scenery. His nap was shorter than usual, a little under an hour, and when he woke up, he came to find me and definitely still seemed tired. Still, I counted it a success. I put him to bed in my bed as usual that night, but for some reason he had trouble falling asleep, and he didn't end up going to bed until 10:00, much later than usual. There were a lot of variables on Monday, so I'm not sure what happened to make bedtime so difficult. I don't think the new bed was related.

Tuesday, I again enforced a nap in his bed. Again, it went fairly smoothly, but he woke after about an hour and was clearly still tired. I ended up nursing him on my bed and letting him sleep for a while there. He was very tired because he'd been up so late the night before, so needing a longer nap was reasonable.

Tuesday night, he wouldn't fall asleep in my bed before I put his brothers to bed, though that's how I normally handle bedtime. He wanted to join us in his brothers' room for books. He then lay down in his bed, gathered his blankies around him, and asked to nurse. I nursed him to sleep in his bed, and he slept there for four hours straight before waking around midnight to nurse. I trudged from my room to his to nurse him in his bed (the reason for putting him straight into a twin!). He woke three times that night to nurse, around midnight, 3:00, and 5:00 (I think), but spent the entire night in his bed and went back to sleep reasonably easily after each nursing session.

Wednesday, he napped well in his bed, wanted to sleep for the night there, and again woke three times, although this time it was around midnight, 4:00, and 5:00. I'm amazed that he's slept in four-hour blocks at all, as that isn't typical (I don't think). I think part of it is not having me nearby - he doesn't feel me shifting next to him, he doesn't smell me there, so he doesn't instantly wake to nurse. Also, since I don't hear every move or snuffle and immediately offer him the breast, he settles himself down more often. When he does wake, he yells for me.

After that, we went downhill a bit and started waking more often and not settling as quickly, but he's still spent the whole night in his bed each night so far, so I'm going to stick with it. It's certainly harder to get up and walk down the hall, doze lightly while he nurses, then get back up and trudge back to my room when I'm sure he's done than it was to simply roll over and let him nurse, but there are distinct advantages. First of all, if he's sleeping in longer blocks, that's good for both of us. (Time will tell if this remains the case.) Secondly, I'm able to sleep in much more comfortable positions in my own bed! Sunday night, I ended up spending most of the night in his bed because I kept falling asleep with him. Sleep deprivation + getting over the flu will do that to you.

I'm sure at some point, it will occur to him that he can get out of bed and come to me, and I don't know what will happen when he does. I anticipate a great deal of walking/carrying him back to bed.

Now that he has his own space, at some point I can start trying to teach him to fall asleep without nursing. That will probably be considerably more difficult than this first step has been so far. I'll let you all know when I start that process and how it goes, but I'm very encouraged by how easily he slipped into this new sleep routine.

What is it about 16 months?

Naps Overview

I've addressed sleep issues in a few posts, but I haven't talked much about naps. Naps and nighttime sleep are two different monsters, and I think naps deserve a post of their own.

Unfortunately, this post is not going to be full of wisdom and answer your every nap question. Three kids, and I still haven't figured out a few things. But here's what I know to be true:

Babies and toddlers need naps. 
Babies and toddlers who get the naps they need will sleep better at night and behave better during the day. 
Nap-time sleep and night-time sleep are different.

Let's look at a nap breakdown by age.

Newborns:
Newborns will nap periodically, not always predictably, and often not for longer than 45 minutes at a time. After the first week or two, most newborns will be awake for approximately two to three hours between waking from one nap and needing the next. Newborns can and should nap wherever and however works best for all of you, whether it's being held, being worn, put down in a swing, in a bassinet, etc. While it is not recommended for a newborn to sleep in his car seat (due to possible constriction of the airway), sometimes you don't have much of a choice. (So keep an eye on your baby if he's sleeping in the car seat.)

 The rule for newborn naps is succinct: Do What Works. If you can watch the clock and be ready to jump in after about 45 minutes of sleep to try to soothe your baby back to sleep, sometimes you can buy yourself a longer nap. It's worth a try. But don't be surprised to find that your newborn does not have a predictable nap pattern.

Infants Up to 6 or 7 Months:
Your infant will start to regulate his or her naps between three and six months. Many babies will start sleeping in longer stretches for their naps and consolidating to about three naps per day. I found that my kids would take a mid-morning nap, then an early afternoon nap, an evening nap, and then go down for the night a couple of hours after waking from the evening nap. Over time, a more predictable nap pattern emerged, and the three naps became two around...

7 to 10 months:
Between seven and 10 months, you should find that your baby only needs two naps, not three, and that the third nap instead merges with simply going down for the night, meaning an earlier bedtime, too. You can start looking for a 2-3-4 pattern for your baby's sleep at this point. I found that, by 10 months, my youngest's nap pattern was very predictable going by this pattern. What it means is simple: Your baby will go down for his first nap about two hours after waking up in the morning. He will hopefully sleep for about one to two hours. Then he will want to sleep again about three hours after waking from the first nap. This second nap should also last about one to two hours. He will then be ready to go to sleep for the night about four hours after waking up from the second nap. If your baby follows this pattern, he'll be getting about 14-15 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period, which may seem like a lot, but remember, babies need sleep to grow and process what they're learning. Some babies won't need quite this much sleep, and you may find that they don't sleep as long at night if they're napping for three or four hours during the day. It's up to you if you want to try to shorten naps to try to lengthen nocturnal sleep. You can also modify this to a 3-3-4 or 3-4-4 pattern for babies who need less sleep.

Example:
Baby wakes for the day around 7:00am. He has breakfast, plays a bit, tags along while you take your older child to school, and by the time you get home around 9:00, he's yawning and wants to nurse. He goes down for a nap around 9:00, and hopefully he sleeps well and wakes between 10:30 and 11:00am, raring to go. Run your errands, eat lunch, take him somewhere to work out his energy and get tired again, and by about 2:00pm he'll be ready for his afternoon nap. If he sleeps from 2:00 to 3:30 or 4:00, you're set up for a perfect bedtime between 7:30 and 8:00. He gets an 11-hour night (though I'm not promising an absence of night-wakings, of course), wakes at 7:00 the next morning, and off you go again. See? 2-3-4.

Toddlers:
Around 13 months, the convenient and predictable 2-3-4 pattern will start to fade. He'll be up for longer in the morning, and his morning nap and afternoon nap will merge. You'll find that you can put him down for just one, longer, mid-day nap. My youngest (15 months), right now, goes down about four to five hours after waking up in the morning, which puts his nap between 10:30 and 12:00, depending on how well he slept and when he woke up in the morning. (This can vary depending on whether his brothers "help" him wake up.) He usually sleeps for about 90 minutes to two hours. He then goes down for the night between 7:00 and 8:00.

Your toddler will continue to take one nap until about three years of age. Some kids will continue to need a nap even longer than that, and preschools usually enforce a nap or "rest" time until kids are five years old. Both of my older two simply refused to nap starting around the time they turned three. SB went through a period around two years of age where he refused to nap, and sometimes he was so tired I had to force him to fall asleep by driving around in the car until he dozed off. So that would be a normal thing, too. As they get older, the afternoon nap will shift a bit later. By about age two, NJ napped very reliably from 1:00 to 3:00 until he dropped his nap completely.

Yes, folks, this means that if you have an older infant and a toddler, there's a good chance that your toddler will need to nap just as your infant wakes from his morning nap, and that your infant will need his afternoon nap just as your toddler wakes from his nap. We went through this with our older boys. The good news is, it only lasts a few months until the younger one goes to just one nap and/or the older one drops the nap. The bad news is, it usually means the younger one's naps happen during errands or sometimes don't happen at all.

Another good rule for older infants and toddlers is no napping after 4:30pm. If you want them to go to bed at a decent hour, especially since many kids tend to wake at the same time in the morning regardless of when they went to sleep the night before, you don't want them sleeping past 4:00 or 4:30 in the afternoon. If your bedtime is more fluid, or your kid is really tired and he just has to sleep, then, by all means, let him sleep. A cranky, overtired kid is worse than a happy kid who's up until 10:00. At least in my opinion.

As for sleep routines, you'll find advice ranging from make naps completely different from bedtime to make naps as similar to bedtime as possible! I personally don't think it matters much. Naps are a good time to get a baby or toddler used to a new sleeping situation, such as a new crib, new bed, or new bedroom. If they feel safe for a nap, they'll be more likely to feel safe for their nighttime sleep. And it's less of a headache for you, as the parent, to work out the kinks in the middle of the day than in the middle of the night. We also found that it was helpful to have a nap time routine and to have a fairly consistent nap time.

Did/do your kids follow a similar napping pattern to mine? What tips or tricks for naps do you have to pass along to new parents?

Sleep Training Is Not Happening Yet

Since I had reasonably successfully gotten both NJ and SB to fall asleep in their own beds on their own around 16 months, I had been waiting for GI to reach an age at which I felt ready to "sleep train" him as well. He is still sleeping in our bed, and he has been sleeping very poorly, nursing often through the night, and I'm sick of it. I'm ready for him to be out, in his own bed, sleeping better.

He hit 15 months, and I hit a breaking point. He had shown some signs that said to me that maybe he was ready. First of all, he occasionally sleeps two or three hours by himself in our bed before I go to bed. Secondly, the other night, I sent him downstairs with my husband so I could get a little sleep, and he had no trouble sleeping without me nearby. Finally, I have witnessed him, on occasion, wake slightly, roll over, and go back to sleep without needing me. I thought, surely he is ready.

I want to take the "sleep training" in slow, steady steps. The first step, I had planned, was to get him to fall asleep on his own in his crib, instead of nursing in my bed. I felt I had established a fairly strong routine at this point (which is really the very first step), and he knows it's dinner, then bath, then get in PJ's and nurse to sleep. I thought, we'll do everything, except I won't let him fall asleep at the breast. I'll nurse him to almost-asleep, then tell him he needs to sleep in his own bed and lay him down in his crib, then do a Ferber-style controlled crying. He'll be asleep in no time, surely!

I was wrong. So, so wrong. At first, he was a little confused about being placed in his crib awake. I said good night, told him to lie down, and left. He didn't cry. He decided to try to climb out of the crib, instead. Now, for lack of a better place to put it at the moment, the crib is right next to my bed. It's been there since he was about three months old. I had left the mattress at the highest setting, because it would be easier to lift him in and out, and it was safe since it was between my bed and the wall, and if he did climb out, he'd just end up on my bed.

After I returned, laid him down, and told him once again to go to sleep, and he realized I intended to leave him there, he started crying.

When I went back in three minutes later, he clung to me for dear life, as if he thought I'd never return, despite never giving him reason to think that was so. I unhooked him from around my neck, laid him down gently again, and told him again to go to sleep.

He started crying hysterically.

When I went back in five minutes later, he was sitting in the middle of my bed crying, red-faced, and signing "nurse" for all he was worth.

How can a mother do such a thing to her child? Only one who is desperate for sleep, I guess. I steeled myself, hugged him, calmed him as best I could, put him back in the crib, and told him to go to sleep. He promptly climbed back out. I put him back in, told him again to go to sleep, and left. I went to my computer to do a puzzle so that the seven minutes would pass more easily. SB came to me and told me that GI doesn't know how to fall asleep in his bed, and he needs me to nurse him to sleep. He told me GI is sitting on my bed and needs me to come.

From the mouths of babes, eh?

I told SB gently that GI needed to learn to fall asleep without nursing and that he would be okay. And then I heard the unmistakable sound of a baby about to vomit. I rushed to him and let him vomit his dinner and before-sleep milk all over both of us. And then I wiped us off with his bath towel and hugged him and told him that he could nurse, but I was just going to change his pajamas.

And then I nursed him quietly to sleep, which took a lot longer than it would have if I had just done so in the first place.

I don't know how anyone has the strength to watch their baby suffer like that, especially when it is unnecessary. My baby needed me. He didn't understand why I would just leave him like that, and he couldn't fathom a world where Mommy wasn't there for him.

Sure, one day he'll learn that I can't always be there, but why does he have to learn it at 15 months? Instead, I'd rather he learn that Mommy is there for him, that he can be secure in knowing that I love him, that I will always return, and that when he calls me, I'll come.

I think I'll change the first step of my slow sleep-change process. I'll wait until he has a twin bed in a room with his brothers, which will hopefully be in a month or two. Then I'll nurse him to sleep in his own bed. I'll worry about getting him to fall asleep without nursing sometime after that. It seems far less cruel that way, and should involve considerably less crying.

In the meantime, I guess I'm stuck with my cuddly, sweet boy in my bed. And is that really so bad?

Sleep: 13 Month Update

I thought I'd update you once in a while on GI's sleep patterns, in the hope of creating a sort of historical record of sleep his evolution. My previous sleep posts regarding NJ and SB (part I, part II, part III) were based largely on my own fuzzy memories and the occasional LiveJournal post I had made when in the moment and wanting to scream (or rejoice).

A couple of things I know for sure are different this time:
1) SB was O-U-T out of my bed around 12 months. And then back in. But also out. His crib was in NJ's room, and I at least attempted to get him to sleep in there for the first part of the night.

GI, on the other hand, is still sleeping with me every night. His crib is snugged up right next to my bed, with the side off, because I had intended to at least try to scoot him over into his own space after nursing him. That...didn't work, but moving the crib or putting the side back on or any other option just seemed like too much trouble. At least it acts as a safety net should he roll off in that direction. It also acts as an excellent place to store clean laundry, hang wet things, and toss various items into when I don't have anywhere else to put them.

2) SB and NJ both had a bedtime by this age. We had a bedtime routine, I was consistent about bedtime, and both were down and out before 8:00 p.m.

GI, by contrast, hasn't settled into a predictable sleep routine, despite my efforts. He participates in the bedtime routine, including having a nightly bath, being with us while we read books and do the bedtime Shema, and he happily waves "night-night" and comes to my bed to nurse. This does not always translate to falling asleep, though. He seems to have an alternating schedule that goes something like this:

a) He's tired in the morning and takes a one to two-hour nap around 10:00 a.m. He is then extremely tired by 4:00 or 5:00 p.m., and my choice is to either put him down for a second nap or lose my mind because I have an overtired toddler following me around and screaming. I usually choose the former, and he sleeps for about 45 minutes and is up to eat dinner with us around 6:00. He is then not tired until after 10:00 p.m., but goes to sleep very easily at that point. On these nights, he usually sleeps reasonably well (comparatively, of course), and so I tend to think this is supposed to be his sleep rhythm right now. However...

b) If he goes to sleep after 10:00 p.m. he sleeps past 7:30 a.m. and then isn't tired for a morning nap. This means he goes down for a nap closer to lunch time, or even after lunch, and usually sleeps for about two hours. This means he's tired around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. and goes down for the night right after I finish putting his brothers to bed. This is great! He's in bed by 8:00 or 8:30! Unfortunately...

c) If he's asleep by 8:30, then he sleeps more fitfully (I don't know why) sometimes, and then is up before 7:00 a.m. This means he's tired for a morning nap around 10:00. And back to (a).

I don't quite know what to do about this strange cycle, except to force him to stay up and take just one mid-day nap. I feel like 13 months is too young to be on a one-nap routine, although it would make my life easier if it works. The problem is that if he gets overtired, he's just impossible to deal with and I can't get anything done. I have to decide between having a happy and rested baby during the day so I can get work done while he's awake (and get him down for a morning nap and work while he sleeps) or having an overtired baby at 10:00 and just deal with him until I'm comfortable with him going down for a nap. I'm leery of messing with his sleep needs just yet. I'm leaning toward giving it a few more weeks or months and seeing if it resolves itself. He may just be in a transition period going from two naps to one, and he certainly will get there on his own soon enough.

It is better than it was. For about three or four weeks in September/October, GI was sleeping just horribly. He would wake to nurse, nurse for a minute, roll away, then start saying "eh eh eh," roll back to nurse some more, pop off, "eh eh eh," nurse, pop off, etc., ad infinitum, all night long. I was losing my mind with exhaustion. And then, just as suddenly, he's back to his old ways, waking two or three times to nurse, nursing for a finite amount of time, and going back to sleep. This, I can handle. I can deal with it. I'm used to it. Sure, I'd love an uninterrupted night's sleep, and that will come eventually, but at least I know what I'm up against now.

My number one piece of advice for parents with complaints about their kids' sleep is, "Give it a few weeks." If it doesn't improve on its own after three to four weeks, then you probably want to look into making some changes, but I've found that with babies, you get about four to six weeks of decent sleep habits, then four to six weeks of horrendous sleep, then four to six weeks of okay sleep again, typically. Just when you think you can't take it anymore, it gets a bit better. And just when you think everything's great, it gets worse. So, give it a few weeks, and hang in there.

If the situation is completely intolerable, however, and your baby is over a year old, sleep "training" is always an option, but it's up to you how much "training" you can and are willing to do. There's the old "cry it out" standby, or there are gentler methods.

My plan is to slowly work for improved sleep conditions over the next year, as I did with SB.

The first step will be to get him sleeping in his own bed, in another room. To that end, we are going to get bunk beds for NJ and SB (NJ is turning six, so it seems an appropriate time) so that GI can sleep on a twin bed in their room. A twin bed, because then I can go in and lay down to nurse him at night, which won't change immediately. He's used to sleeping in a bed, not a crib, so I think the transition will work well for him.

The next step will be for him to learn that he can fall asleep without a boob in his mouth. This worked well with SB around 16 months and took only about three nights for him to understand. I will nurse him until I'm sure he's just comfort nursing, and I will talk to him about falling asleep without nursing and that he can do it. Then I will do whatever is necessary to get him to fall asleep without nursing. This may involve some controlled crying. I plan to try this around 16 months, as that seems to be a magic age, and that's when I was able to do it with both NJ and SB.

Finally, night-weaning. Once he knows he can fall asleep without nursing, I'll have to make sure he's getting enough to eat during the day that he won't need to be hungry at night. Then I'll simply have to refuse to nurse him at night. He will probably still wake for comfort a few times a night for a while, but, eventually, he should start sleeping through the night. I will have to wait and see whether this comes at the same time as full weaning or if he will still nurse during the day.

I expect that by the time he's two, he will be mostly sleeping in his own bed at night, and will hopefully be night-weaned. This is a yearlong process for me, but the ultimate goal is that everybody gets to sleep at night and that bedtime is not stressful or scary.

More on Sleep, 11-Month Report

It's not that the only way I can get GI to sleep is by nursing him. He'll fall asleep in the car, or when being held by someone else, or occasionally even when being held by me and not hungry. But to transfer him to the bed, or to get him to sleep when I don't have any other option, I lay down with him in bed and let him nurse until he drifts off to sleep. Sometimes this is less peaceful than it sounds, with me having to wrestle him back to me and convince him that, more than anything else in the world, more than chasing the cats, more than looking out the window, more than pulling on the curtains, more than playing with his brothers, he wants to nurse and fall asleep. Other times, he makes it clear in no uncertain terms that he wants to nurse right now and suckles until his eyes slowly close and stay closed, his hands relax, his legs bend and settle into what I guess is a comfortable position for him, and his breathing slows and evens out. When this second scenario happens, which is the case fairly often, it is truly the most blissful, peaceful way to fall asleep.

When I think he's asleep, I'll gently unlatch him from my nipple by sliding my finger into the corner of his mouth until he lets go. Now that he has two top and two bottom teeth, it's dangerous to try to pull away. I wouldn't want my yelp of pain to undo all the hard work of getting him to sleep in the first place! If he's totally out, he'll relax further, close his mouth, and not even twitch as I slide away from him and leave the room. If he's not quite all the way asleep, he'll immediately start looking for the nipple again. First, he opens his mouth and nods his head as if he's got some kind of nipple-detecting sonar. If he senses nothing, he starts rocking forward and backward, getting a bit more frantic. If still the coveted boob does not reappear, he'll start whimpering and calling. Only after a few minutes of this sonar-ing and yelling does he escalate to crying. Typically, I haven't even rolled away yet, so as soon as he starts his search, I'll let him latch back on and continue to suckle. Usually it takes only another two or three minutes before he falls completely asleep and I can leave. If I let him escalate, it takes more time for him to re-settle.

I love that first bit of maneuvering, the gentle opening of the mouth, the quiet nodding of the head. I love it, because he just assumes that I'm still there, that he doesn't have to cry or look for me. He knows that nipple is around there somewhere, and all he has to do is open his mouth and it will reappear. To me, this shows the ultimate trust, that Mommy is there. When he needs me, I'll be there. When he asks for me, I'll respond. He doesn't have to worry. He doesn't have to wake all the way up. He doesn't have to despair. Mommy's here. When I need her, she'll come. If I'm not done, she'll let me finish.

There's a whole spectrum of opinions about how babies "should" sleep, whether we should let them nurse to sleep or become reliant upon our "help" to fall asleep. There are those who would tell you that picking up your three-week-old every time she makes a noise is going to mean that she'll never be able to sleep without you. There are others who would tell you that if your five-year-old still needs to sleep in your bed next to you and have you rub her back for her to fall asleep, you should do that. There are schools of thought that say by about five or six months of age, a baby shouldn't be eating at night and should be able to fall asleep on his own and stay asleep all night. There are others who would say that your child will sleep how he sleeps and you shouldn't try to "sleep train" or night wean, because eventually he'll sleep on his own, when he's ready.

In trying to show the extremes of the spectrum, I'm not saying either side is right or wrong. I believe, as I have stated before, that every child is different, and what works for some parents and babies/children won't work for others, either emotionally or physically. Some babies are sound sleepers who, without any "work" on the parents' part, simply start sleeping eight or nine hours in a row at three months and never look back (or so their parents say). There are other children who still, at three or four years old, have trouble staying asleep the whole night and need their parents to help them go back to sleep.

I do believe, wholly, that cultivating trust between parent and child is absolutely vital. I do believe that your child needs to know you're there, and that that attachment needs to happen as babies and toddlers. We know that children who are neglected early in life have trouble ever learning to trust, bond, and love. I'm not saying that letting your child cry it out or leaving him to sleep on his own at night is neglectful. A child who is loved and attended to while awake is hardly neglected. I also am not convinced one way or the other that letting a child cry himself to sleep for a few nights will cause long-term damage or mistrust or any other emotional or behavioral problems. I just don't know. Nobody does. You can't take the same child and raise him two different ways.

But when I put myself in the baby's place, it hurts me to the core. Imagine: One night, I wake up and nobody's there. Nobody comes when I call. I'm alone in a dark room, I'm hungry, I need comfort, and nobody comes. I cry, and nobody comes. I wail, and nobody comes. Where's Mommy, with her warmth and her special scent and her milk? Why am I trapped in this place all by myself? Eventually, I'll lay down and go back to sleep, having exhausted myself with crying. I'll wake up in the morning, and someone will come get me. Where were they a few hours ago? And then, tonight, will it happen again? Will I be ignored? After a few nights, I won't even bother to cry, because I'll know nobody will come, and my parents will congratulate themselves on successfully "sleep training" me. "Oh, he sleeps through the night now. A few nights of letting him cry, and now he doesn't wake up! It was worth it!" The thing is, it's not that I didn't wake up. It's that when I woke up, I knew no one would come, and I went back to sleep because I had no other choice.

Maybe it is worth it. I don't pass judgment. I know that some people really can't function without good, solid sleep, and they will be better mothers during the day if they get to sleep through the night. I understand that. I just can't bear the thought of my baby going through that feeling of abandonment, even if it means we'll all sleep at night. And let me tell you, right now, exhausted as I am, sleeping through the night would feel like winning the lottery. But there are gentler ways to help everyone get more sleep. Sure, it's a longer process, and more work in some ways, and a longer time with less sleep, but you're a parent at night just as much as during the day. I like to wait until my kids have enough language ability to understand, "It's time to sleep. Go to sleep now. No more nursies," or whatever. If I can explain that I'm still around but that nighttime is for sleeping, then I don't feel like they're on par with that six-month-old baby left alone in his crib. When they can understand that Mommy's still nearby but that everyone needs to sleep, then they can still maintain that trust in you.

My older two generally sleep through the night. SB has backslid a bit in the past couple of months, partly because he's three and a half, and that is a very tough age. The half-years are typically bad times for behavior and sleep, as they enter a period of brain development and a bit of internal confusion. When they come out of it, they are stabler, happier kids, but we need to be there to support them through the tough times, even though we, as parents, want to tear our hair out. But they do generally sleep through the night, and if it weren't for GI's poor nighttime sleep, I'd say that we would all be pretty well rested. I think that helps me get through these bad nights with GI, because I know, from experience, that it does get easier and it will get better. Eventually. I do have fantasies of putting all three boys to bed in their own room, in their own beds, saying goodnight, and being left alone the rest of the night. And I also have fantasies of going in their room when they're teenagers and having to wake them up. It will happen. One day.

I was looking back through my LiveJournal from when NJ was about 11 months, as GI is now. NJ was sleeping terribly at the time, waking often, being up for an hour or two in the middle of the night, having trouble getting to sleep in the evening, just as GI is doing now. Actually, GI isn't even as bad, since it's not too hard to get him to sleep once he's ready, and he has only had a couple nights of being up for no reason and playing. The reason I bring this up is twofold. One, it's really just the age. They're learning so much at this age, coming up on one year old, that their brains just don't want to settle down. They want to walk, they want to talk, they want to play, they want to interact, and they do not want to relax and go to sleep and maybe miss out on something fun or important. And, two, it seems to me to put to rest any argument that GI still wakes so often because I nurse him through the night and cosleep. You see, NJ didn't nurse - indeed, by 11 months he didn't even eat at night. He had a pacifier and a blankie. He slept in his own room in a crib. And he was having all the exact same sleep "problems" that GI is having, despite completely opposite sleeping arrangements. Interesting, no?

So, I love that GI will be secure in the knowledge that Mommy is there for him when he needs me. I love that GI knows he need only open his mouth to receive that which he needs more than anything - Mommy's best source of comfort. I love that he can communicate that need, and that I can understand his message, without even waking up. And I love that I can get him to sleep with so little battle (most of the time) just by laying down with him and sticking my nipple in his mouth. I'm not saying I love every minute of it. That would be dishonest. My ribs hurt, my neck hurts, I sleep horribly, and sometimes his latch is so bad at night that I cringe when he wants to nurse again. But, frankly, I can't imagine any other way to get him to go to sleep, or go back to sleep, that would be more restful than not even having to get out of bed to tend to him.

I think, in a few months, when GI is old enough to understand, I'll be able to move him out of my bed, possibly out of my room, and he'll sleep on his own. I may still have to nurse him at night - I continued to nurse SB two to three times a night until I weaned him completely - but in between I'll get to sleep more comfortably. Until then, I'll muddle through and enjoy the peaceful moments, the tiny hand resting on my side, the little foot against my thigh, the warm head nestled in the crook of my arm, and the absolute trust and unconditional love of a baby. There's nothing like it. Nothing.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Keep Going

I'm so sorry for my rather long silence here. It's been busy, busy with my day job and kids and it being summer, and I haven't had much time or energy for blogging. But I'm brimming with thoughts, so hopefully I'll have some articles coming at you one after another for the next few weeks, if things calm down.

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Last Sunday night was one of the best nights I'd had in a long time. GI didn't wake up an unreasonable amount of times, and in between I felt like I really got some good sleep. Monday, he took two great naps, and I got tons done while he slept. I was highly optimistic for Monday night, as a result. Instead, he literally did not sleep the entire night, and, thus, neither did I. It was after 6:00 a.m. before he (and I) finally dozed off, and by 7:00, I had to be awake for the other two kids, breakfast, etc. I don't know why he was awake. He wasn't fussy, didn't seem to be in pain, wasn't playing. He was nursing, nursing, nursing, eyes open. It felt a lot like the night back in December where I drank several cups of cream soda at dinner, not realizing that it was caffeinated, and then simply lay there the entire night, not asleep but not fully awake, either. I'm certain I hadn't given GI any cream soda that night, though...

Needless to say, Tuesday was rough. But, I couldn't just take a day to rest and veg a little. No, Tuesday we had an appointment with SB's speech therapist, whose office is about 45 minutes away. I had promised the kids to visit a neat cafe on the way back, called Java Mama, which is a coffee shop specifically catering to parents with small children. They have gourmet coffee drinks, yummy food for adults and kids, and a supervised play area for the six-and-under crowd. It's pretty fantastic, but it's far enough away that I don't go there unless I'm in the area anyway or have a meeting or something there. The point is, we had things to do on Tuesday, so I had to swallow my fatigue, bury my exhaustion, and power on. We made it through the day, even through a thorough shopping at Walmart, and got home in time to make dinner. And that's when I crashed. I opened the pantry and couldn't fathom the idea of cooking dinner. I could feel the muscles in my neck and arms twitching. I'd had it. I'd exhausted my reserves (what little I had). I gathered my wits enough to pull out a box of potato pancake mix and whisk up the batter. I set out the first batch to fry and had to go sit down. It was like that for the entire dinner-making: flip pancakes, sit down; remove pancakes, put on next batch, sit down; flip, sit. I finally brought a chair into the kitchen so I could sit down between bursts of activity. It was that bad.

I so looked forward to bedtime. I'd put the two older ones to bed, nurse down GI, who would surely be tired enough to sleep well, and go to bed early after enjoying the quiet for a little while. I always take time to enjoy the quiet; it's what keeps me sane sometimes. Only, when I finally did go to bed, I lay there, eyes open, not quite awake but not really asleep, for at least four hours. Seriously. Not okay.

I did get some sleep, eventually, and GI slept his usual way, waking frequently to nurse but sleeping in between, so if I had also been asleep, it wouldn't have been any worse than I'm used to at this point. I couldn't fathom how I could be lying there awake for hours upon hours when I was that tired, but lay there I did, hour after hour.

Things were back to normal Wednesday night, and it's been basically fine since. I don't know what was keeping him up on Monday night, and I don't know what kept me up on Tuesday (the extra shot of espresso at lunch, maybe?), but it happens sometimes. It's part of parenting. Sometimes, you have a sleepless night or two. Sometimes you're sick. Sometimes you have a million things to do and all you want to do is lie down. But as parents, as mothers, sometimes we just have to power on. We don't get sick days.

There's no secret to it, really. I get that a lot lately, "How do you do it? You make having three kids look easy! I don't know how you manage with the baby and the other two, and make dinners and work!" and so on. Hey, I bask in the occasional compliment, when the mother at the park mentions how polite or cute my kids are, when the manager at a restaurant is amazed by my corralling all three at once, when a fellow parent is envious of how fast I can get all three into the car and buckled up. But if they ask how I do it? There's no secret. You just do it. You just do it. You don't have a choice, so you just do it. Got three kids? Hold the baby, have the other two grab some part of you or your clothing, and start walking across the parking lot. Put the baby in the shopping cart and the littler of the other two in the cart basket and go. Give the oldest a job to do, like grab items from the lower shelves. Bring something for the older two to do while the baby gets his checkup. You just do what needs doing. And I don't really think I'm such an expert. I get impatient. I get irritated. I handle things badly, especially when I'm tired. I think it only looks incredibly difficult to those who have fewer kids than I do.

When we have some bad nights, I try not to think in terms of "trends." I don't say, "Oh, it's been better lately," or "The past three nights have been horrible!" I take it one night at a time: "Tonight sucked, but tomorrow will be better," or "Wow, what a great night. I feel so much better today." I have the luxury of knowing that it will eventually be decent most of the time, even though that time seems very far off right now. I think that for first-time parents, it's harder, because you don't have that perspective.

Just keep going. Enjoy the silence when you have it, enjoy the sleep you get, and think how fleeting this time really is in the grand scheme of things. I've gotten through 10 months. I can go a bit longer.

On Routines

It is vitally important, in child-rearing, to make a distinction between establishing a routine and enforcing a schedule. While on the surface, the two concepts seem similar and can be described in similar language, the difference in the effect each will have upon your baby's (and your) well-being is significant.

We live our lives in schedules. School schedules, work schedules, appointments, meals, everything goes by time in this world, at least for adults. It's time to wake up. It's time to eat lunch. It's time to pick up the kids from school . It's time for your doctor's appointment. It's time to take the car in for service. Time, time, time. It's natural to us to schedule things - let me look at my calendar, let's check the bus schedule - to keep our lives in sync with each other.

And yet.

And yet, it's not natural at all to babies. Babies and toddlers have no sense of time. They don't know if it's 6:30 or 7:30. They don't care if it's 10:30 or 12:00. They just don't understand the concept of an hour or a minute. It doesn't matter to them. They live their lives around their own perceptions. I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm not tired. I'm no longer tired. I'm no longer hungry. I want to sleep. I don't want to sleep. I want Mommy to hold me. I want Daddy to hug me.

As adults, with a clear idea of the passage of time, we sometimes get frustrated with how often our babies want to eat, or how short a nap they took, or how few hours there are between night wakings. We just wish they would follow our schedules. Some baby books recommend establishing and enforcing a schedule for your baby. Feed every three hours. Put down for a nap at these times. Do not take out of crib until x amount of time has passed. Go to bed for the night at this time. Do not wake up until that time. If your baby is on a schedule, you'll be able to plan your day, and your baby will know what's expected of him.

Except, this doesn't work terribly well. Not every baby needs to eat the same amount or in the same intervals. Not every baby needs the same amount of sleep, or to sleep at the same times. Babies have their own daily rhythms, and if we try to force them into a schedule that is at odds with their internal rhythms, we can literally cause them harm. A baby who is forced into a feeding schedule may actually fail to thrive (this is a medical term: Failure to Thrive, which indicates that the baby is not growing and gaining weight as expected). In addition, a nursing mother may find her supply dwindling if she denies her baby a necessary feeding, or tries to force her baby and her breasts to follow the clock.

Instead of a schedule, whereby your baby's day is determined by the clock, what I've found to be helpful is to understand and establish routines for your baby or toddler. Small children thrive on routines in exactly the way they don't when in an enforced schedule. A routine allows a child to know what's going on now and what's happening next, so he won't be surprised. But, the difference between a routine and a schedule, to me, is that you build the routine based on the child's rhythms and needs.

Having a routine helps you, as the parent, as well. Because of your routine, you can anticipate, to a degree, when your baby will be hungry, tired, and content, and can plan your day accordingly. That's not to say that once you unlock the secret of your baby's routine, you'll have it down pat and will be able to rely upon the routine, but it helps to order your day, and the baby's day, and will help you stay sane.

There are different kinds of routines. There's your overall daily routine, which involves feedings and naps. There's how you structure a particular part of the day, like mornings and bedtimes. Your overall daily routine may dictate when bedtime is, but you can then build a bedtime routine that works well for you and your child so that he will understand that it's time to go to sleep and fall asleep more easily and peacefully.

As you add more children to the mix, the routine becomes a little more complicated, but if each child has a sense of what's going on, everyone will be happier.

And, as the rule is with babies, just when you've got him figured out, he'll change it up on you again.

For the sake of example, let me tell you about my daily routine!

We wake up in the morning, usually around 6:30 or 7:00. Typically, one or both of the older boys will wake first and come thumping down the hall and climb into bed with us. Occasionally, they sleep in a bit, and it's the baby, or even (gasp!) the alarm clock that wakes us. Usually, though, it's SB's quiet "Can you help me come up on the bed?" or NJ's heavy clambering that rouses us. NJ and SB go downstairs to watch TV (G-d bless the day they figured out how to work Netflix for themselves!) while we doze a bit, I nurse the baby or watch him sleep or let him play on the bed, and then my husband gets up and takes his shower. When he's done, I put the baby on the floor (if he's awake) to play while I take my shower and get dressed. My husband goes downstairs to make breakfast. That's basically the morning routine - for now. Once school is out, it will change, and then when school starts up again, it will change again, but for now, this has worked for us all school year.

Once my husband goes to work, I hang around with the kids until it's about two hours since the baby woke up. This is usually between 8:45 and 9:30 (he usually wakes in the morning between 6:45 and 7:30, that is to say). About that time, he gets hungry and sleepy, and I take him up to bed and he nurses easily to sleep. While he sleeps, I try to get some of my transcription work done. I never know if he'll sleep for 45 minutes or two hours, but he sleeps well for however long he sleeps. The boys play, hopefully quietly and nicely, while I work. Then around 10:00, I remember that they still are in their pajamas, and I coax them upstairs to get dressed. Sometimes the baby is awake by this time, other times he isn't. He hangs around and plays if he's up. The boys get dressed, and then it's time for lunch. (NJ is in P.M. kindergarten, so we eat lunch around 10:30 so we can walk him to school by 11:15-ish.) I make and serve lunch, we eat, then NJ gets ready for school and we all put shoes on, load up the double stroller (or the car, depending on how we're getting there that day), and it's off to school.

While NJ is at school, I may run errands, try to work, get SB together with a friend, if possible, or just hang out. GI is typically ready for his second nap about three hours after waking from his first. Depending on the length of his first nap, the time for the second nap can vary widely. Today, for example, GI took a very long morning nap, almost two hours, and thus didn't wake until around 11:00 - in fact, I had to wake him to take NJ to school. That was unfortunate. I like to let him sleep as much as he needs to. This meant he was ready for his second nap at 2:00. Sometimes, his second nap is at 12:30. Other times it's at 1:00. The length of this nap can also vary widely, from 45 minutes to (the longest ever) 2-1/2 hours. I try to plan my errands around when I think he'll be ready for his nap, so we can be home for it. I need to do most of my typing work while he sleeps, so I don't like him to nap while we're out and about, if I can help it. If not, then he sleeps when he sleeps.

Except. We have to leave to pick up NJ from school between 2:30 and 2:40. If it looks like GI's nap is going to run up against this time, I'll generally try to keep him awake until we get home from picking up NJ. This is hard and usually backfires, but I'd rather try to have him take a nap at 3:00 than wake him from a 15-minute nap at 2:30. This happened today, as mentioned. I had to keep him distracted. He did go to sleep easily at 3:00, but he only slept for 45 minutes. I don't know if that was because of his very long morning nap or because of the delay in getting him to sleep for his second nap. I have found that if I miss the sleep window, it's harder for him to fall asleep and he doesn't sleep as long or as well. After three kids, I firmly believe this is a baby-rearing truth.

Anyway, we get NJ from school, either by foot or by car, and then have a fairly fluid afternoon. Some days, I have a neighborhood girl who comes over and plays with the kids so I can work. Other days, not. Some days, we run errands after school, or have a playdate in the park, or something like that. Other days, we just hang around at home. Today was one of those hang-around-at-home days. GI took his nap, NJ and SB played, and I worked some more.

Around 5:00, if possible, I try to get ready to make dinner, and I try to serve dinner by 6:00, although that time my vary by as much as 30 to 45 minutes in either direction, depending on when I get started and how long it takes to make whatever I decide to make. Today I served almost exactly at 6:00, even though I didn't get started until after 5:30. Happened to be an easy dinner that didn't take long.

I usually let NJ and SB watch TV while I make dinner, which they did today while also entertaining GI for me. Occasionally, GI will nap during dinner or dinner prep, which is awesome. Usually, he needs to sleep about four hours after waking up from his second nap, although this is less predictable. Also, sometimes he takes a third nap, and sometimes he goes down for the night, and I often don't know which it's going to be. I'm hoping that within the next few weeks, he'll settle on a more predictable bedtime, but we'll see. It's certainly gotten easier than it was when he was a newborn and not going down for the night until 1:00 a.m.!

Anyway, that just leaves the bedtime routine! This routine has been in place, mostly unchanged in spirit, since NJ was about 10 months old. I now make them pick up their toys before bed, which sometimes goes peacefully and sometimes ends in all three (or four!) of us in tears. Today was easy, and it wasn't very messy, besides, which was also nice. We then go upstairs, where NJ chooses whether to take a shower by himself or a bath with SB. They can mostly get themselves ready for their shower/bath, except SB needs help taking off his shirt. Here's where GI's unpredictable bedtime can be irritating. Sometimes I can put him down for the night while NJ and SB bathe. When that happens, he misses out on the bedtime routine, but it makes the rest of the routine easier for me and the two older ones, because I'm not trying to baby-wrangle at the same time as everything else. GI just started crawling and pulling up (this week), so things have gotten even more interesting around here!

Anyway, they get out of their shower/bath/whatever, brush teeth, and I help SB into his pajamas (NJ does that by himself). SB picks a book for me to read, and then I read whatever chapter book NJ and I are currently working on (right now, it's Stuart Little), and I read some of that. Then we do the bedtime Shema together, and then they each pick another song for me to sing to them. Tonight it was "You Are My Sunshine" (variously referred to as "Don't Take My Sunshine Away," "There Is My Sunshine," et al.) and "Sweet Baby James," which I have been singing on and off to NJ since he was a baby. Aw. Sometimes we have a rousing chorus of "Will The Circle Be Unbroken," while other times it's a sober "Danny Boy". Then it's lights out, good night, sleep tight. If GI is still awake, I'll usually take him and hope to nurse him to sleep. Sometimes he goes down. Other times, he's just woken from what turned out to be a third nap and won't go back to sleep for at least two hours.

Then it's evening, my favorite time of day. It's quiet and peaceful, and I usually can get some more work done, write my blog, or relax in front of the TV. And take breaks to run upstairs to nurse GI back to sleep, of course.

Eventually, I get ready to go to bed, and it's off to interrupted sleep for me until the next morning, when it all starts again!

And that's what I mean by a routine. Our morning and bedtime routines are so set that the kids know exactly what to do and when and in what order. There's rarely any fighting about going to sleep or about what they need to be doing, since it's established and has been since NJ was a toddler. The rest of the day is more fluid, depending so much on what everybody has to do, but knowing the baby's rhythms for sleeping and eating makes it much easier for me to plan my day.

And you all just watch, because it's all going to change again pretty soon! It always does. But it's nice to have that bedtime routine to fall back on, invariably, almost every night, for years now. It settles the day and helps transition into nighttime peacefully.

Speaking of quiet evenings in which I work and blog, now that I've blogged, I really must return to my work and then get myself off to bed!