Let Me Answer That For You: A Response to All the [Negative or Unsupportive] Comments on Any Article about Nursing in Public

I don't know why I bother to read the comments on articles that reference breastfeeding in public. There's never anything new, and there are never any surprises, and I'm never left feeling like there's any hope for humanity. But I persist. I keep hoping to see something different.

Take, for example, an article on The Huffington Post yesterday. It was entitled, "Why Breastfeeding Moms Are Praising Target". The article shared a picture from Facebook that shows major retailer Target explicitly stating its policy on how employees should treat breastfeeding mothers in all Target stores. The policy states:

"Guests may openly breastfeed in our stores or ask where they can go to breastfeed their child. When this happens, remember these points:

• Target's policy supports breastfeeding in any area of our stores, including our fitting rooms, even if others are waiting
• If you see a guest breastfeeding in our stores, do not approach her
• If she approaches and asks you for a location to breastfeed, offer the fitting room (do not offer the restroom as an option)

If you have any questions, partner with your leader."

Breastfeeding mothers are lauding Target for making it abundantly clear that they are welcome to breastfeed anywhere in a Target store, that they will not be approached or harassed by Target employees, and that employees are to offer a fitting room - and not a restroom - to a mother who asks for a private location to breastfeed.

Because I apparently enjoy a trainwreck as much as the next guy (or girl), I clicked on the comments on HuffPost's Facebook post about this article.

And, as usual, there were no surprises.

So, I present: "Let Me Answer That For You," a response to All The Comments, Ever, on any article discussing breastfeeding in public.

"I don't want to see that." 
Then I have good news for you! You don't have to look! And if you happen to be looking in my direction and are *gasp* treated to a brief view of some side boob or flabby mommy-of-4 tummy, then may I offer you some eye bleach? There are lots of things out there I don't want to see. You know what I do about it? I look in another direction.

"There are children watching."
Uh huh. And I bet a lot of those children breastfed and will go up to have babies who breastfeed. I bet none of those children are offended by what they are seeing. I bet none of those children have any reason to think they should be offended by what they are seeing. I guarantee not one of them will be psychologically damaged by witnessing a baby eating. I am 100% certain that my breasts do not produce harmful radiation, project dangerous laser beams, or are bright enough to cause retinal burns. And if your child turns to you and asks, "What is that lady doing with that baby?", all you have to do is say, "She's feeding him," and your child will go back to telling you about brown dogs, fire hydrants, and how they don't like broccoli.

"There are men around. You know how they are!"
To be honest, I see more negative comments from women than men about public breastfeeding. Most men don't seem to care one way or another, and I've certainly never felt that one is staring at me hoping for a nip slip. And if he is? That's his problem, not mine. Why do you care?

"You should time your errands around your child's feeding schedule."
No. I shouldn't. I shouldn't have to. First of all, what if I have more than one child? What if I have this exact two-hour window between preschool drop-off and pickup to run to Target to buy diapers, hit a grocery store to replenish the milk and eggs we used up at breakfast, ship some stuff at the post office, and deposit a check at the bank? And what if, shocking as it may be, my baby happens to get hungry during those two hours? It's quite likely that she will, and when she does, if I don't feed her, she will scream. She will cry. And then you will look at me and say to your friend, judgmentally, "Ugh, why is she letting that poor baby cry?" Babies don't always have predictable feeding times. Exclusively breastfed babies may sometimes go two hours between meals and other times, sometimes on the same day, go only 45 minutes between meals. And a key to maintaining healthy breastfeeding is to feed when the baby is hungry, whether you're at Target or sitting in your bedroom. Besides, if I get hungry while I'm out, I'm very likely to grab a bite to eat. If I have my preschooler with me and he gets hungry, I'll give him a snack. Why does my baby have to be different just because her "snack" comes from my breasts instead of my diaper bag or McDonald's?

"Why don't you pump before you leave so you can give them a bottle while you're out?"
Where do I begin, here? Well. (a) Some babies refuse to drink from a bottle; (b) Many women do not respond well to the pump and can't express enough milk to fill a bottle; (c) Maybe I did just that but he got hungry again and I don't have another bottle for him; (d) If I don't pump on a regular basis, I probably won't be able to produce enough during the rushed 15 minutes before walking out the door to provide that bottle; (e) Feeding from a bottle is not the same as feeding at the breast, and it's a million extra steps instead of simply latching on and going; (f) Don't nobody with a young baby got time for an extra pumping session before running errands! (g) When, exactly, should I pump? Between feedings? Should I leave him crying in his car seat while I squeeze out a few drops of milk before I load up the car and go? Do you have any idea how much longer it takes and how much more work it is to pump as opposed to just feeding from the breast? I have a family to raise!

"Leave the baby at home when you go out."
With whom? Are you volunteering to babysit? Because, actually, running errands without my baby in tow sounds heavenly, but I'm it when it comes to childcare. Also, what if she gets hungry while I'm out? Who's gonna breastfeed her? You? See above for reasons I might not be able to just leave a bottle of pumped milk. And, yes, I'm aware that formula exists, and, no, I don't want to give him any. Thanks for the tip.

"Breastfeeding should be a private and intimate act."
Do you set up a romantic, private table, with candles and wine, for every meal? Does your family never shovel food in their mouths while packing up for school and running out the door? Is every meal in your home a private bonding moment? No? Because neither is every breastfeeding. Sometimes breastfeeding is just feeding. It's a meal. It's a brief stop in between returning books at the library and getting gas. Yes, breastfeeding in a quiet room, just me and the baby, can be very nice, but there isn't always time for that, and it isn't always appropriate. Sometimes, you just gotta feed the baby and move on.

"Just because it's natural doesn't mean everyone needs to see it. Sex/urinating/defecating is also natural!"
I really don't want to have to go there again, but I will, since you brought it up. Breastfeeding does not involve unsanitary bodily fluids such as urine, nor waste products such as feces. Breastfeeding is feeding. Breastmilk is food. Just because it happens to involve the breast does not mean it's the same as having sex. We do not flush breastmilk down the toilet. We do not have sex as a form of nourishment. We do not eat in the bathroom. Orgasm does not provide calories, fats, vitamins, and minerals to help us grow. Give me a break. It's not the same thing. Hugging my child is natural, and I do that all the time in public. Eating a salad is natural, and I do that all the time in public, too (okay, maybe a hamburger, not a salad. You caught me). On the other hand, driving a car, wearing clothes, and getting a manicure are not natural, but we do those things in public. Your logic doesn't hold.

"Why do you want your boobs hanging out?"
I don't. But apparently you do in that low-cut top. You can't see much when I breastfeed. Frankly, if you glanced at me while I'm breastfeeding, half the time you probably wouldn't even realize what I'm doing. And even if you did, the most you'd see is my flabby tummy, not my boobs. If that offends you, I sincerely apologize. I haven't had a chance to meet with my personal trainer, dietitian, and plastic surgeon because I'm busy caring for my family.

"I don't mind if you breastfeed in public, but you should cover up when you do."
Oh, thanks for that. I don't mind if you chew with your mouth open in public, but I wish you'd throw a blanket over your head when you do. What, you don't want to eat with a blanket over your head? My mistake. All snark aside, some babies refuse to nurse under a cover. Many babies will pull it aside, kick it, grab it, or swat it away. A cover makes it more difficult to see while you latch the baby on. A cover is hot. A cover slips off. And, frankly, a cover draws MORE attention to what I'm doing than if I just life my shirt slightly, latch baby on, and go on about my business. Plus, it's yet another thing to carry.

"Why don't you go do it in a [private location such as a car or bathroom]?"
Sometimes I do, although usually not the bathroom. But when I've got a half-full shopping cart, or I'm in the middle of a meal at a restaurant, or I'm watching my other children play at the park, it's impractical or impossible to find somewhere else to breastfeed. I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to have to leave my companions. I don't want to feel segregated or left out. And I don't want to pull my other kids away from their play or their meal so that I can go somewhere else to feed their baby brother. That seems quite unfair to them, don't you think? I don't want to abandon my cart in the middle of the grocery aisle. I don't want to interrupt my shopping process. And I really, really don't want to sit in a dingy bathroom to nurse.

"Wait until you get home. The baby won't starve."
He might. And even if he won't, what if I won't be going home for a few more hours? What if home is an hour away? And in the meantime, he'll be screaming and crying, getting more and more upset, becoming distressed. My breasts will be filling with milk with nowhere to go and I'll be in pain. If my baby is struggling to put on weight, or I'm struggling to maintain a full supply of milk, feeding on demand and not delaying feedings is vital. Yes, vital. If it'll be 10 minutes, yes, sometimes I will wait until I get home because we'll both be more comfortable there. But if it's going to be three hours, waiting until I get home is simply not an option. He'll probably need to feed twice more in that time!

Whew, I'm glad to get all of that out of my system!

What other hurtful, unsupportive, or negative comments have you seen when it comes to breastfeeding in public. How would you respond to these common ones I've listed?

Yes, I'm "Still" Breastfeeding My Toddler

My third son, G, is now 31 months (that's 2 years and 7 months for those less month-county than I am). I had originally thought I would nurse him until he was two, as I had his older brother. However, during my fourth pregnancy, my milk dried up for the most part, several months before G turned two. I allowed him to continue to comfort-nurse and drink any colostrum he could extract, but I knew he wasn't getting all the benefits of breastmilk I had hoped to keep providing.

After Baby Y was born, when G was around 25 months, my breasts sprang back to life, overflowing with milk once again. I hadn't planned to "tandem nurse" - breastfeed more than one child at a time - but it sort of just happened that way. I hadn't stopped G from comfort nursing, and when he was actually getting milk again, he loved nursing even more.

In the early days, when Y was very little and needed to nurse often, I tried a few times to nurse the baby and G simultaneously. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me, but it was also the easiest way to please both of them.

Now, though, five months on, I don't try to nurse them simultaneously anymore. I leave the baby somewhere safe and happy, and I take G to his bed or mine. I find I don't mind nursing G by himself once in a while. It's a wholly different experience from nursing the baby. G only nurses once a day, at naptime, and not even every day. It's so easy to get him to lie down in bed and try to take a nap if I offer to let him nurse! It's incredibly cute how excited he gets when I agree to nurse him. He races down the hallway exclaiming, "I gonna nurse! You gonna nurse me! I gonna nurse! I gonna nurse in my bed!"

I've asked him what the milk tastes like, but all I get in response is "milk." Which is hard to argue with.

For those who are concerned about having enough milk for a toddler and a baby, you can absolutely nurse two children. Remember that your body makes milk based on the demand, so if you have a toddler and a newborn both demanding milk, your breasts will produce enough milk for both. See my series on nursing through pregnancy for more information about tandem-nursing a toddler and a newborn. My milk supply this time around is copious, partly because of my daily pumping in the first few weeks postpartum and partly because I nurse my toddler several times a week in addition to the baby's exclusive breastfeeding.

I never set out to be nursing a 2-1/2-year-old. I didn't have a specific plan for how or when to wean him completely. When his baby brother was born relatively close to his second birthday, I didn't think it was fair to G for Y to usurp his place at the breast at the same time he usurped his place as "the baby." We had long since night-weaned, so I didn't have the stress of trying to nurse two kids through the night. That might have affected how I felt about continuing to nurse him. Now, I would rather just nurse him once every couple of days than to deal with the tantrum and tears when I refuse. I'm sure if I refused enough times in a row, he would stop asking, but I don't see a reason to put us both through that stress right now.

I think when we talk about nursing an older toddler, one who speaks in complete sentences and has a mouthful of teeth and eats plenty of healthy foods and drinks water and juice and other milks, it's hard for people who haven't been there to understand that we're not just walking down the street, picking up a random toddler, and nursing him. We don't start out nursing a toddler. In fact, many women don't plan to nurse a toddler. Some mothers can barely look beyond the next day or the next week when they begin nursing their newborns. The progression from newborn to infant to toddler is so gradual that it seems natural once we're doing it. There's no switch that flips at one year or two years or 27 months or 33 months or September 4th or July 17th when it is suddenly no longer appropriate, necessary, or reasonable to be nursing a child. Most children will gradually wean on their own between two and four years of age, too busy with life to stop to nurse. But those children who continue to ask for it obviously still have a deep-seated need for the closeness of Mom, the sweetness of milk, the comfort of suckling, their first memories of shelter from the big, bad, scary world.

I think there's also a perception that when we say we're "still" nursing our two-year-old, or 27-month-old, or 34-month-old, that we mean we are nursing him like we would an infant, that he's coming to us six or eight or 12 times a day to feed, but it's not so. Most older toddlers nurse maybe once or twice a day, perhaps to help them fall asleep, or to go back to sleep at a night-waking. They may nurse more when they're sick, and it is a wonderful gift to give your sick child, the warm, disease-fighting, easy-to-digest milk tailored to his needs. But it's not the same as a newborn nursing for his sole source of nutrition, or an infant who only supplements his milk diet with solid foods.

How old is too old to still be nursing? Some would say once a baby has teeth, he should stop breastfeeding. Some say when the baby can ask for it, she should be weaned. Some say once he can ask for it in a complete sentence, he's too old. I think there's no rule. A child is too old to nurse when his own mother decides she is no longer happy or comfortable nursing him. A child is too old to nurse when he decides he doesn't need it anymore.

There was a wonderful research article written by anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler almost 20 years ago in which she set out to determine when a human child would naturally wean absent social constructs and societal pressure. Using several different methods based on other primates' weaning ages, she concluded that humans would naturally wean between 2.5 and 7 years of age, probably closer to the 4-6-year range. This is when the first permanent teeth start to come in (six-year-old molars erupt and baby teeth start falling out). She also examined other factors such as weight, length of gestation, and immune system development. All methods agree on that range.

I did not expect to continue to nurse G this long, but now I understand how it happens. You just... don't wean. Allowing a child to decide when he is finished nursing is called "child-led weaning" and is the most gentle and biologically normal way to slowly back away from breastfeeding. I don't think it will be long before I'm back to nursing just one baby. Often, G pops off and says he's done without falling asleep and without prompting. Many times, he tells me that "it's the baby's turn now" and sends me on my way. Interspersed are the days when he peacefully drifts off to sleep, one hand holding his blanket-lovey, the other resting gently on my breast. On those days, I unlatch him carefully (mindful of that mouthful of teeth), with a finger between his molars. Sometimes, he wakes up and runs off. Other times, he smacks his lips and re-settles, then sleeps for an hour or two on his own.

Will I still be nursing him when he's three? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't have a plan for when he has to stop breastfeeding. I'm sure he doesn't either. But the day will come, probably sooner than later, when Y gets all the milk to himself, and then some day, a few years down the line, my milk will dry up for good and I'll be done nursing forever. I see no reason to rush toward that day, and neither do my babies.

I'm Addicted to My Baby

Breastfeeding has a subtle but incredible effect on me: It makes me addicted to my baby. I've never thought about it in those terms before, but now that I'm on my third nursling, I actually noticed this pattern. When I'm agitated or upset, the first thing I do is seek out my baby and go cuddle with him, and nurse him if he's willing. It's the first thing I think to do when I'm in need of comfort or help calming myself down, when I want to take a few minutes to relax, or if I'm trying to get my thoughts in order or escape some source of stress: I scoop up the baby and lie down with him in bed.

It's perfectly logical. Nursing releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone that is also responsible for feelings of contentment. In a way, you really could become "addicted" to nursing, because the oxytocin burst is so potent. It's not an obvious thing. In fact, as I said, I didn't even realize that I was actively seeking out an oxytocin hit until a few days ago. I was feeling a bit down, and I actually thought to myself, "I need the baby."

In fact, any skin-to-skin contact releases oxytocin, and not just for babies. Hugging or prolonged contact or engagement with someone you care about has a calming effect and can even boost the immune system!

But why the baby in particular? Why not one of my other kids, or my husband, or a friend?

Well, I realized that they are also on the list. My first thought is usually the baby, probably because the physical contact coupled with nursing gives me the most immediate oxytocin response. Plus, the baby won't protest, won't judge me, won't talk back, will let me talk to him about anything, won't have other things he'd rather be doing, and is easily scoop-up-able. Sometimes I do gather up my toddler in a hug and a cheek-to-cheek cuddle, or scootch up beside my 5-year-old on the couch, hip-to-hip, to see what he's up to. Many times, a back rub from my husband will put the world right-side-up again. And, a phone call to a distant friend, while no match for physical contact, is still an option when no one else is around.

But there's something about the baby. His skin is so soft and pleasant to stroke. His face lights up in a smile when he sees me. He wiggles in anticipation when I offer to nurse. It's unconditional acceptance and delight in my presence with no expectations or preconditions, no give-and-take, no time limit. I am his world, and, in return, when I need him to be, he is my world.

Knowing the science behind the feeling doesn't take away the magic. Rather, it just reinforces that we are meant to love our children, to bond with them, to crave them. It creates an imperative to protect them, to nurture them, to want to see them happy. Physical affection is necessary and normal. Hugs and kisses and cuddles are a biological need.

Next time you're feeling down, see what your first instinct is. Do you reach for a cigarette or glass of wine, a chocolate bar or cookie? Or do you look for a loved one to hug? I know what I'd choose.

Although chocolate would run a close second.

So that's it, really. I'm addicted to my baby. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Guest Post: How I Feel About Putting My Wife's Breasts on YouTube

Since we had the new baby, Baby Y, we have started making a lot more videos of my wife breastfeeding. I actually went out and bought an HD camera so we can make high quality videos, as I thought it was great she has something she is so passionate about. Many of those videos feature my wife breasts at different levels of exposure. Some are quite vivid, I know. I take the videos, and I edit many of them. And yes, I do like taking them, as she is, to me, the most amazing thing. I find we have gotten closer since we started doing these together. However, when posting it to YouTube, I go back and forth on my feelings regarding this exposure.

There are days that I am very excited about doing this and about the amount of views that she gets for her videos. And then there are days when I am less excited. Like, when I see comments like, “Can u do one with both tits out”, or, “you have verey nice breasts”. Yes, I know, her breasts are very nice, I love them very much (so, I am also somehow proud “yeah, I get to hit that”). But it is a little frustrating. If you want to be a jerk off (pun intended) go ahead, but do you need to post about it? Be a man, be ashamed of yourself a little, you know, like you are supposed to. When I see those, I wonder if we should continue posting those videos.

But then, there is the other side that, for me, wins in the end. I feel that since we started putting these videos up, I have gotten a lot more comfortable with her breastfeeding anywhere. I used to get a little uneasy when she would breastfeed in a restaurant, or on the couch in a friend's house, especially when the baby pops off and exposes her for a second. I used to get a bit annoyed: why can’t she keep him attached? But now, it seems so natural to me, that I do not mind at all. This means that doing these videos had made breastfeeding more natural, as it should be, for me.

The other day we had friends in our house, and the wife was breastfeeding her toddler, feeling very comfortable as well. I would like to think that our way of seeing breastfeeding helped that. (Please feel free not to correct me if I am wrong!).

And then, there is the view count, and that comment here or there, from an actual mother who liked the video or found the information helpful. Another mother said that this had helped to learn a new technique, or that she realized breastfeeding in a restaurant, or a public place is completely normal and natural. And those are just great, and I hope a higher view count will bring more of those types of comments and help more people find them who are genuinely interested in learning more about breastfeeding.

Now, I am not saying that breasts are not sexy, or not part of sexual life. Trust me, they still very much are, especially now when there is so much of them. But, there is also another part, a part that does not detract from that or change it: the actual intended use of them. And that does not bother me anymore. So, no, I am not comfortable with the idea of those guys watching the videos, and I would be lying to myself if I said it was surprising. But, I am happy that this might help someone, maybe even a guy, see breastfeeding as natural. Hey, maybe at least some of those guys are actually trying to help their wives, right? 

***

Thank you to my husband for sharing these very candid thoughts about our YouTube projects. To see Jessica on Babies videos, visit http://www.youtube.com/jessicaonbabies and browse the dozens of videos already available, then subscribe to stay up-to-date as new videos are posted!