Four Boys? You've Got Your Hands Full!

When I'm out grocery shopping with my four boys (and having four boys requires a lot of grocery shopping!), I get a lot of looks. People mentally count my kids. People watch me go by with my train of ducklings. I sometimes feel like I'm leading an invasion whenever we all go somewhere. My kids are noticeable, with two redheads, a taller-than-average 7-year-old, the 5-year-old's big brown eyes, the 2-year-old's contagious grin. They are not quiet kids, and they are not shy kids.

I admit that I'm "that" mom sometimes. My middle two, for some reason, go nuts in stores. They run up and down the aisles shrieking like banshees. They grab each other, knock each other over, get in other shoppers' way. They touch every single price tag. I can't get the toddler to sit in the cart if he doesn't want to. I can't get the 5-year-old to walk sedately beside the cart no matter how many different ways I frame it.

On the bright side, they don't knock things off shelves or break things, so I've got that going for me.

Thankfully, I live in an area full of very friendly and forgiving people. I get indulgent smiles from grandmotherly ladies. I get wondering comments like, "Wow, four boys?! You've got your hands full!" I get commiseration. I'm grateful for all of it, because we parents of young children often feel that everyone is judging our parenting all the time, and it's nice to know that most of the time, the people watching understand that sometimes little boys just want to run around. (And who could blame them for not wanting to go grocery shopping?)

I hope that I remember those amused glances, those understanding comments, the occasional compliment when my kids are grown. I hope that one day I'm that lovely grandmotherly lady who sees a young mom come in with her brood and tells her she's doing a good job, tries to make her baby smile, and commiserates about the nonstop energy of little boys. I imagine that 30 years from now, I'll be the friendly woman in the grocery store who tells that young mom, "Oh, yes, I had four boys. They're all grown up and married now, and they treat me like a queen."

I want to remember this feeling of overwhelmed-ness, of frustration, of burnout, because one day I want to offer the comforting smile, the gentle joke, and the compliment to that young mom in the store with her four boys (or girls). I want to remember how much a kind word can lift a weary soul. I want to be the one to make the toddler's tears turn to smiles, to joke with the 5-year-old, to make silly faces at the baby, so that sagging mother can finish her shopping. I want to be the one who steps aside with my one loaf of bread and carton of eggs so the mom with the full cart and melting-down 2-year-old can just get finished and get home already.

So thank you to the understanding mothers of grown children who have smiled at me and said hello. Thank you to the kind store employees who are patient with me and my crazy kids. Thank you to the other mothers of small kids who join me in a resigned sigh as we cross paths from aisle to aisle. And thank you to the sweet grandfathers who joke with my little ones and tell me about their grandchildren. You brighten my day so that I, in turn, can one day brighten someone else's.

Please Don't Tell Me I'm a Supermom

When I tell people I've gone to the store, or out to eat, or made dinner, or gotten a few hours of work done, or some other apparently monumental task while being responsible for all four of my kids, I get exclamations of amazement. "You're a supermom!", they'll say. Or, "I only have two, and I can barely manage most nights!" Or, "I don't know how you do it!" I know these are meant as compliments and are honest reactions to something outside their own frame of reference. And I appreciate them as such.

But it makes me uncomfortable just the same. Because secretly, deep down, it releases all kinds of insecurities. All I can think of is all the things I've done wrong, the mistakes I've made, the things I wish I had managed to do. I berate myself for not paying enough attention to the kids, for letting them fend for themselves while I work in another room, or, conversely, for spending a few hours with them instead of working a few more hours to pad my paycheck. Or, for neglecting both work and kids to sit on the toilet and play Candy Crush in private. I should hold my baby more, hug my five-year-old more, draw with my toddler more, and read with my seven-year-old more. I should put the phone down during dinner and make them tell me about their day. I should try harder to get the toddler to take a regular nap. I should get the middle two dressed before noon. I should take them to the park more so they can run around on sunny days. I should replace their bike helmets and let them out front to ride. I should fold their laundry. I should wipe down the kitchen counters, sweep the floor of the toddler's food-leavings, and change the baby's diaper and give him a bath.

I see other people accomplishing things I haven't been able to, and I think I have no right to those compliments. I'm not "doing it all." I'm not a supermom. And when you tell me I am, you're belittling yourself. You're negating all of the amazing things you've managed to do, like have a dance party in the living room and do an art project with your preschooler, like cook healthy meals all week long, get your car washed, and clean your toilets. Like sign your second-grader up for soccer, acquire all the gear he needs, and attend all his games. Like save up for two years to take the family to Disneyland. Like start your own business and run it successfully, work full time outside the house and still get the laundry folded and the lawn mowed, and remember to pick up a birthday present for the party this weekend.

I'm just a mom. Some things, I know I do well. Some things, I know I could improve. And, looking at you, looking at how well dressed you are, how neat and clean your house is, how you make healthy meals all the time and get your housework done regularly and limit screen time to just the weekends, and have money left in the bank at the end of the month, some things make me feel very, very inadequate. Not because I think you're judging me, but because I'm judging myself.

Please don't tell me I'm a supermom. I don't feel all that super, and I don't have a cape. Sure, I made it to the grocery store, but I nearly lost the stroller, forgot to buy half the things we needed, and left the reusable bags at home. Yeah, I got the oldest to school on time, but the other three are still in pajamas and the toddler's diaper needs changing. Absolutely, I made dinner and put the dishes in the dishwasher, but I didn't make them clean up their toys, there are shoes everywhere, and the baby is crying in his swing while I rinse the last of the dishes.

No one's life is perfect. I think as moms we only see our own shortcomings while we admire the accomplishments of all moms around us. I'm wondering how she can remember to put jackets on both of her kids and manage to keep them from running around screaming in the store, while she's wondering how I can load four kids into the car in half the time it takes her to put her two in. I'm wondering how she finds the time to make dinners from scratch every night and keep the living room free of clutter, while she's wondering how I can work part time from home with three kids in the house.

I'll tell you what, if you buy the capes, I'll wash them. But don't blame me if I forget to put them in the dryer.

Adjusting to a Second (or Third, or Fourth) Baby

While there is always plenty to worry about when you're pregnant, you'll have different concerns when you're pregnant with your second (or third, or fourth...) than you did with your first. When you've already had a baby, your life has already adjusted to the presence of a child. But now you need to adjust your older child(ren) to the presence of a sibling, and you have to figure out how you are going to care for yet another child. Here are some of the common concerns parents have when adding a new baby to the family.

What if I don't love my new baby as much as I love my son/daughter? 
This is one of the most common questions I hear from second-time moms who are expressing their worries about the impending birth of their next child. The overwhelming love we experience when our first baby is born is indescribable, and we worry that it can never be matched. Fortunately, love is not finite, nor is it parceled out. Bonding with your first baby left physical changes in your brain that mean bonding with your next will happen in just as breathtaking a fashion. Love expands into a bubble that encompasses every child together and each child individually. You may not love your second in the same way that you love your first, but the quantity and quality will not be in any way diminished. Finding that each of your children is an individual with different needs for attention, affection, and interaction brings a whole new dimension to the overall love you will feel for your family as a whole and for each child. And the love between siblings gives your heart a whole new reason to swell.

What if I love my new baby more than I love my older child?
This is a different sort of worry. You know you love your child, but maybe you had trouble forming a bond the first time. Maybe the birth was traumatic, maybe you were separated for a hours or days, or maybe you were so befuddled and overwhelmed by the addition of a new baby to your little family that you took a few days or weeks to feel the kind of love you were looking for. What if, this time, you bond faster, your love is stronger? It is, in fact, likely that you will bond faster with subsequent children than you did with your first. While some parents had no trouble bonding the first time, it is very common, too, for it to take a little time to understand how this new little person fits into your world. Rest assured, your capacity for loving your children is not limited or finite, and you will find that as you experience a new bond with your baby, your bond with your older child will increase as well.

The baby will require so much attention. I don't want the older sibling(s) to be jealous.
Yes. The new baby will require a great deal of attention. This is true. And you will be tired and overwhelmed and discombobulated. And your other child(ren) will still need you for diaper changes, potty help, baths, reading books, helping with homework, meals, laundry, and everything else you already do for them. And it is entirely possible that they will get tired of hearing, "Mommy (or Daddy) will be with you in a few minutes, just as soon as I finish feeding/bathing/holding the baby." Remember, though, that a lot of the attention the new baby needs at first is fairly passive. Nursing (or giving a bottle), holding and rocking, carrying around, keeping an eye on, are all things you can do while you give attention to an older child. Your older child can cuddle with you while you nurse the baby. One great bit of advice that many new parents find helpful is to set up a "nursing basket." Put together a box or basket of special books, toys, and movies that you can engage in with your toddler or preschooler whenever you sit down to feed the new baby. Your older child will still get to spend quality quiet time with you, and may even begin to see nursing-the-baby time as a special Mommy time for him/her, too. In addition, make sure your older child(ren) get a chance to hear you say, "Hold on, Baby, your brother needs my help first." Let him know that he's not always going to be second to the needs of the baby. Also, if you can, arrange for regular one-on-one time with the older child with one parent or the other.

A second bit of advice that works well for toddlers is to have the "baby" give the older sibling a gift. When the baby is born, you'll likely receive gifts for yourself and for the baby. Store away something in advance that the baby can give to his big sister or brother. Also, if you can enlist a relative or two to give the big sibling a gift (even something small), she or he will feel less left out of the excitement.

Another part of this equation is giving your older child(ren) the chance to become helpers and caregivers for the new sibling. I have found that this facilitates the sibling bond and makes the older child feel needed and special, too. Give them a "job" (equal to their abilities, of course). "Can you help me out and be such a big girl? Can you run upstairs to the baby's room and get Mommy a diaper? I think the baby needs a change." It may sound corny, but if you make your child feel like she is the only one who can do this monumental task to help you and the baby out, she will be full of pride. And if she doesn't want to help you, no big deal. She'll still appreciate that you asked her. Another way a verbal toddler or preschooler can be of great help is by "watching" the baby for you. When the baby is in a safe place such as a swing or on a blanket on the floor, if you're trying to accomplish something like fold laundry or make dinner, ask your older child to watch the baby. Have him sit down beside the baby and talk to him, keep him company, try to make him laugh. Make sure you've already established boundaries like no touching the baby's face and no trying to pick up baby, of course, for safety. Make sure he knows what a great help he's being.

It takes me 10 minutes to get out the door with just one kid. How long will it take with two?!
You'll find that because you've already got experience with packing up a diaper bag and getting everyone dressed and ready to go, adding a baby to the mix likely won't end up doubling your "out-the-door" time. Certainly, at first, you will need to leave yourself extra time to get where you're going. In my experience, it's always just as you're about ready to leave for an appointment that the baby poops and needs to eat. But getting everything else ready shouldn't take too much more time than it already does. Snacks, diapers, wipes, change of clothes for the older one (as needed), diapers, wipes, change of clothes for the younger one (and bottles if applicable) all go in the bag, and off you go. Some people find it easier to keep two bags ready, one for the older child and one for the baby, although I find this just means more to carry and keep track of. If your older child still needs to be carried out the door and into the car, leave the baby in a safe place in the house (already buckled in the infant car seat, for example), run the toddler out to the car, buckle him in, then go back for baby. I find that if I start encouraging the older child to be able to walk out to the car and climb in before the baby's born, while I can help him figure it out, getting everybody in is much quicker once you're juggling more than one child. This, of course, depends on your older child's age and abilities. Of course, if you live in an apartment or have to park on the street or have another circumstance where something like this scenario isn't realistic, you'll find a way to make it all happen. You've already worked out how to get one kid out safely, after all!

How will I manage bedtimes, naps, and errands?
I like to plan ahead and understand how the bedtime routine might change, where I'll put everyone when I go grocery shopping, and when and how everybody will get the naps they need. The thing is, it's hard to really plan ahead for any of this, because you have to see how your older kid(s) will react to the new baby, you have to see what the baby's needs are, and you need to know how much help you'll have in terms of other adults around. If you can share the bedtime routine between both parents, then I'd start making any necessary transitions at least a few weeks, if not a few months, before the baby is born. If Mommy usually cuddles with the toddler until he falls asleep, can Daddy do it now instead? Or can you help the toddler learn to fall asleep on his own, or after just a few minutes of cuddles? If you are alone with your kids at bedtime and you're used to "doing it all," you may have to improvise. At first, you can likely just hold and/or feed the baby while you do any book reading, cuddling, and so forth. If your baby is fussy or needy right around your older child's bedtime (which is common!), this may be more difficult. I find that it's usually helpful to get the older child to bed and then deal with the baby, if that's possible.

Naps are really the place where the younger sibling will suffer. I've been in the situation where the toddler's nap falls exactly between the baby's naps, and I feel like I can't ever leave the house because one or another of my kids is supposed to be sleeping. Unfortunately, it may happen that your baby becomes a slave to the routine and schedule you've already established. If that means baby naps in the car or during errands, at least he's getting some sleep, right? If you can baby-wear and/or arrange to take your longest car trips when baby needs to sleep, you'll at least be able to ensure that she's getting some nap time in, even if naps aren't always in bed!

As for errands, baby-wearing will be your friend, here, too. If you have a toddler who still needs to sit in the cart, for example, you can wear the baby and still put the toddler in the cart. Some of the larger stores have carts that can accommodate more than one child at a time, but in a regular grocery store, you may not have any other options. It is dangerous to prop the infant car seat on the child seat in the cart, so I don't recommend doing that, regardless of how many children you have. One thing I used to do when my third was born was take all three of my kids shopping. My oldest was capable of pushing the baby in his stroller while my middle sat in the cart, which I pushed. My oldest really liked having that important job to do. Better still is if one adult can run to the store while the other stays with the kids! Or take just one kid with you on errands and make that a special one-on-one time. Maybe you can get ice cream or buy him a special treat once in a while if he comes with you, so that he'll see that he still gets a fun time alone with Mommy or Daddy.


The best observation I can make is that, yes, the first several weeks will be a period of adjustment. You'll fumble with figuring out how to integrate the new baby into your routine. You'll have to figure out how to meet the baby's needs without depriving your other child(ren). You'll have to get used to dividing your time and attention. Your older child(ren) will likely act up or behave strangely because they will also be affected by the change in their routines and their lives. They'll notice that you are not as readily available to them. They'll be aware that things are different now. Be sure to acknowledge those feelings. Also, know that things will get easier. You will adjust. Your family will adjust. Give it some time and get a little creative, and, most of all, take what help you can get!

Enjoy your growing family!

What tips do you have for parents adjusting to the birth of a subsequent child? How did you help your older child(ren) get used to having a new baby in the house? How did you integrate the new baby into your established routine and busy day-to-day lives?

This, Too, Shall Pass, and Other Wisdom

I find myself, with about eight weeks left of this pregnancy, suddenly terrified of having a newborn again. This happens with each consecutive child. I cycle from excited, to thinking we must be crazy, to content, to excited, to terrified, to content, to excited, to OMG WHAT WERE WE THINKING?, then back to excited, then content, then terrified.

Part of it is our kids are spaced just-so, that we finally are at a point where sleep is basically working, routines are basically established, everybody's got some level of independence, and I feel like I'm in the groove, and then we throw another newborn into the mix and everything gets thrown out of whack again. And this being my fourth time through the ringer, well, I kind of do know what to expect.

In some ways, knowing what to expect is comforting. I know what to do with a newborn. I know phases start and phases end. I have almost seven years of watching kids grow up under my belt and have been through sleeplessness and teething and illness and firsts and potty training and nightmares and picky eating and tantrums and I know that "this, too, shall pass" is an absolute mantra of parenting. I know I can stick it out for a little longer until one problem ends as suddenly as another begins. I can pass along the sage wisdom of, "Just when you think you have it all figured out, they change it up on you again," and I can remember it for myself. I know that "do what works," "wait it out," and "give it another couple weeks" are absolute truths. I know that every kid is different, that every baby needs love, and that I have the strength and capacity to make it through this hour, this day, this week.

But in other ways, knowing what to expect is terrifying! I know about the sleepless nights, the crying for no reason (both me and the baby!), the stress of feeding issues and poo-splosions. I know about the pain of recovering from childbirth. I've experienced the complexities of balancing the needs of the older kids and the baby, and the sheer exhaustion of new parenthood. (And it's still new, even when it's for the fourth time.) I know about the disruption of routine, the randomness of life with a newborn, and the stress of evening fussiness. I know that sleepless nights and teething woes are once again on the horizon.

I find I do have a longer view than I used to. I'm already thinking about next fall, when my second will start kindergarten, my third will be three, and the new one, who is right know kicking and dancing within me, will be almost one. Because I can envision that, when it used to seem impossible that my kids would ever grow up, grow bigger, start school. It used to feel like toddlerhood was forever, that I'd be always wiping butts and noses (not simultaneously), cutting up food into tiny pieces, and washing sippy cups. Now I see that it is not. That life will change. That one day my days will be my own (except for school breaks and sickness), that my kids will be helpful in stores, that I won't have car seats to buckle or diapers to change, that I won't have to supervise trips to the bathroom, that as suddenly as life changes when you give birth, life gradually evolves again as that baby becomes a little person who walks and talks and has opinions all his own.

So, I'm terrified of the short term, of what I know is coming in the next few months and years. But I'm excited, too, about the long term, of watching another bright soul come into his own, of seeing our once-little family become huge and full of life and noise and warmth and love.

To those of you out there with one little one, or two little ones, who see life at knee-height, whose days are full of poop and whose nights are empty of sleep: give it a few weeks, months, a year. Life will expand. Your kids will grow. You will grow. You have the strength to make it through this hour, this day, this month. And while you may not look back fondly on every tantrum (yours or theirs), you'll look back and know that the weeks are shorter than they seem and that the months go by faster than you could ever have imagined.

Know How To Remove and Install Your Car Seats!

We bought a minivan last Thursday. What a relief it is to no longer have to stress about fitting three car seats across the back seat, of squishing my tall six-year-old into the tiny third row of our SUV, of having to choose between my kids' safety and space for groceries! I'm loving it! As part of the purchase, I opted to have them do fabric and paint protection. Having (eventually) four kids in the car will do a number on the upholstery, and I hope that having the protection will help when it comes to inevitable spills and whatnot.

This necessitated my bringing my brand new van back to the service department and leaving it with them for the day and taking a rental car instead.

So, in the past week, I have taken two car seats out of the old car, installed them in the new car, then taken them out of the new car, installed them in the rental, taken them out of the rental, and re-installed them in the new car. All at 20 weeks pregnant, I might add.

G likes the new van.

And this brings me to my major point today. It is very important that you know how to remove and re-install your car seats properly.

While I often recommend that you have your seats installed and/or checked by a Certified Passenger Safety Technician (CPST) near you (often found as a free service through your local police or fire station or hospital), you also must know how to manage your car seats on your own. There will inevitably come a time when you need to move your car seat(s) from one car to another, or take them out to clean them or the car, or rearrange them.

1. Have your seats professionally installed at least once.
If you have the opportunity, absolutely have your car seats installed and/or checked by a CPST. This will reassure you that your seats are, in fact, being used correctly. If you make any changes, such as switching from an infant carrier to a convertible seat, or turning a rear-facing car seat to face front, or adding a second car seat, you may want to return to the CPST and have them reinstall or recheck your new configuration.

2. Ask the CPST to SHOW YOU HOW to install the seat yourself.
While the CPST is doing the installation, watch what they're doing. A good CPST will show you how to fasten and lock the seat belt or use the LATCH connectors, how much to tighten the belts, and how to tell if you have a good install. S/he should also be able to show you how to correctly buckle your child into the seat. If you can, take pictures of how the seat looks when it's correctly installed.

3. READ YOUR MANUAL.
While there are some generalities we can make about car seats, each one may have some slight differences in the details. You should be familiar with your manual, know where to find it (if you can't find the one that came in your box, most companies have them available online for download), and read the instructions when attempting to remove or install the seat by yourself.

4. Know these general rules.

• Use LATCH or seat belt, but NOT BOTH to install the seat.
• Make sure you use the proper belt path for forward or rear-facing. This path should be marked on the side of the car seat itself.
• Make sure the LATCH or seat belt strap is not twisted as you feed it through the belt path.
• When forward-facing, you MUST use the top tether. If there is no hook for the top tether in the location you have chosen, then you cannot install the seat in that position.
• The LATCH or seat belt should be tight enough that you cannot jiggle the car seat more than ONE INCH side-to-side or forward and back.
• If using the seat belt, make sure that it is LOCKED. In newer cars, this simply means you should pull it all the way out and then let it retract. Tug on it to make sure it is locked.
• Look in both your car seat manual and your car's manual to check if the LATCH has an upper weight limit. If your child has reached this limit, you MUST install with the seat belt and stow the LATCH connectors.

Remember that the best car seat for your child is one that is installed and used correctly!

Girl or Boy? Why Does Everyone Else Care More Than I Do?

Tomorrow, May 30, is the "big ultrasound," where we'll (hopefully) finally find out whether I'm carrying our first girl or our fourth boy. While some families choose to wait for the birth and let the baby's gender be a surprise, we've always liked to know at the major anatomical ultrasound (which is usually done between 18 and 20 weeks). I've been known to say that if peeing on the stick could not only confirm the pregnancy but tell me the gender, I'd be happy! My husband always says that it's a surprise whether you find out at the ultrasound or at the birth, and we both like having that time to talk about names and get mentally prepared for the actual baby who is coming. I find it makes the pregnancy more real to me and helps me begin to bond with the baby growing within me.

(G's ultrasound pictures)

So far, we're three for three, reliably producing adorable little boys. At each new pregnancy, friends, family, and strangers express genuine curiosity as to whether we're "hoping" for a girl, "trying" for a girl, or if we'll "keep trying" for a girl if this next one is another boy. Indeed, it seems like everyone around us is more excited and more curious than we are about the gender of this fourth baby! It's not that I don't want to know, and it's not that I'm not excited about the baby, and it's not that I will be disappointed either way. It's just that I don't understand why everyone else seems to have invested so much emotional energy in my pregnancy! It's nice that people care so much, don't get me wrong, but is it fair to the baby I'm actually carrying to hope so strongly for one gender? What if it's not what you're hoping for?

I think it's fair to suffer a fleeting moment of disappointment or grief if you never get the son or daughter you've always dreamed of having. I know people who wanted only sons, people who wanted only daughters, or people who yearned for one of each. Usually, once you're holding your sweet little one in your arms, you're thrilled with whatever you've got, but that doesn't mean you might not wonder what it would have been like if the X had been a Y, or vice versa. It is not fair to the child you have, however, to wish he was a she, or she was a he. We have to take people as they are, and that includes our children! Sure, I had "planned" to have a girl first, but when N came along, I couldn't imagine life any other way.

My husband and I are fairly certain we're having another boy. I've been consistently using "he" when talking about this baby, when before I've been hesitant to use a gender pronoun until we knew for sure. According to this site, if you have three boys, you have a slightly increased (more than 50%) chance that the fourth will also be a boy. You hear people toss out stats like, "Oh, the chances of another boy are 70% if you already have three," but this is apparently not supported in the data. Still, it does seem to me like some couples may be more predisposed to one gender than the other. Who knows? Obviously, there are plenty of families with three of one and one of the other, but then you get the stories about families with six boys and one girl, or seven girls and one boy, and so on, and it makes you wonder.

Ever since I found out my first was a boy, I've assumed that at some point in the future, I'd have a daughter. It just seems...normal. But after I found out G was a boy, I became fairly content with the whole situation. I realized I was kind of relieved. I already know how to "do" a boy. I understand them. I have the clothes and the toys. And, let's be honest, here, I'm not exactly "girly." I don't wear makeup. I don't get my nails done. I don't do my hair. I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not well versed in a lot of "feminine" activities, either. I'm terrified that if I did have a girl, she'd be "girlier" than me! I'm terrified of female puberty, of girl drama, and of body image issues. And, to be crude, as many have said only half-jokingly, when you have a boy, you have only one penis to worry about. (Okay, so I have three, and possibly four, but you get the point.)

So, I'm pretty much at peace this time. If it's another boy, which I'm willing to assume it is at this point, then I'm happy. If it's a girl, I'll be shocked but happy. I don't see us continuing to "try" for a girl. I can't predict how I'll feel about it in five years, but right now, I don't feel like I need "one of each" for a complete family. Our family will be complete because we'll have the kids we're supposed to have.

Until I'm ready to reveal the results of the ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow, go ahead and make your predictions. I'm curious as to what my readers think! If you want any data from me besides knowing that we already have three boys, assuming it's not invasive information, go ahead and ask. Have fun guessing, and we'll see what happens!

For some thoughts on the flip side of the equation, a while back Jessica at The Leaky B@@b shared her thoughts on having 5 girls when she was pregnant with her sixth, and how it feels to be asked if she wants a boy - and how it feels for her daughters!

Now, granted, N and S have both expressed their desire for a sister, although I'm not exactly sure if they're able to verbalize why they want a sister. Still, it's super cute, and I know that my boys will be awesome big brothers whether this little one is a boy or a girl.

Four Kinds of Breastfeeding Support: Emotional, Practical, Improper, and Unhelpful

I can't emphasize enough that when you have a new baby, you need support. Going it alone is unnatural and stressful. They say it takes a village, and while you may not have an entire village to help you, I hope you at least have your partner and a few trusted friends and relatives who are there for you.

When it comes to breastfeeding support, you need to make sure that (a) you have some, and (b) you have the right kind.

I've identified four types of support for new mothers. Each description below contains suggestions for the new mom herself and for the support people around her.

1.  Emotional Support

For Mom: Emotional support is crucial. You might also call this moral support. This kind of support could come from your partner, your mother, your sister, aunt, cousin, best friend, a random person you meet in the park, or even someone on the internet. When someone is offering emotional support, it's those encouraging words when you're at the end of your rope; it's the, "You're doing great!" when you feel like you're doing everything wrong. Emotional support helps you keep going, push through the rough spots, and lets you know that others have been where you are, and it does get better.

To Support Mom: Even if you don't have personal breastfeeding experience, you can be there for her. Let her vent, listen to her concerns, and offer an encouraging word, whatever comes naturally to you. Some of us are more comfortable with being cheerleaders, while others are better at simply listening and being a sympathetic ear. Avoid trying to give advice she isn't asking for, but offer to help in any way you can. For example, "Can I do something around the house for you so you can rest? I'm a great laundry folder! Do you need anything from the store? Diapers? Snacks? Juice? Can I get you a glass of water?" Make specific offers, not a general, "Is there anything I can do to help?" because she may not be able to think of something in particular, or she may feel uncomfortable making a request.

2.  Practical Support

For Mom: Practical support is also crucial. As much as you think you might know going in (and I say this as someone who's nursed a few babies!), it never hurts to have someone you can call upon when you have a practical question about your baby's latch, strange nursing behaviors, or other concerns. Every baby is different, and every nursing relationship is unique, and you'll want to know someone you can contact who has seen lots of  mom-baby pairs and helped solve many types of problems. It's important that whoever you lean on for practical support actually knows what to say or do to help. This may be a La Leche League leader, a breastfeeding peer counselor or other trained breastfeeding support person, an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, or even just your mom who's nursed four kids. You need to know that the advice you're going to receive is correct advice. If you get advice you're not sure of, feel free to double check it on a reputable site like Kellymom.com, or contact a lactation consultant.

To Support Mom: Unless you're sure you know what you're talking about - i.e., you're a lactation consultant, peer counselor, CLC, La Leche League leader, or you've at least done your breastfeeding research, it's best to leave the advice to someone who is one of those people. If you do know how to help, make the offer. "Hey, I'm a lactation educator. If you want, I can come sit with you and check out your baby's latch." If I'm not absolutely certain what to say or do to help a new mother with her question, I will always recommend that she meet with a local lactation consultant. If you don't know of one, you could help her find one. If you do, give her the number!

3.  Improper Support

For Mom: Many friends and relatives will mean well, and they probably really do want to help you. However, sometimes you get tips and advice from people that is not what would be recommended by a lactation expert. For example, just because your best friend introduced a bottle of formula every night but continued to nurse for a year doesn't mean it's a good idea or that it will work for you. People improvise, get lucky, or make decisions based on unique situations that may or may not apply to you. Make sure you've done your own research and have consulted with someone trained in lactation before you supplement unnecessarily or make a decision that could harm your breastfeeding relationship.

To Support Mom: It's important not to give advice willy-nilly. Every mom will have different circumstances, and unless you are a trained lactation support person or have an educational background to go with your personal experience, you can end up doing more harm than good, even if you're trying to help. Simple suggestions like, "Maybe you want to get his latch checked," or, "My son had a tongue tie and I had the exact problems you're having" can be very helpful and give her a starting point for finding assistance. Thoughts based on your own experience that may make her life easier such as, "My daughter was really fussy, too, and babywearing really helped us on the bad evenings." It's best not to begin supplementation or take drastic measures without being seen by a lactation expert, however.

4.  Unhelpful Support

For Mom: The least helpful kind of support is from people who think they're being supportive but are actually making you feel worse. A great example of this would be, "I'm can see that you're trying really hard to nurse your baby, but if it's this stressful, I would totally understand if you wanted to switch to bottles. A happy mom makes for a happy baby!" This kind of advice, while usually well-meaning, does not help the mother who sincerely wants to exclusively breastfeed but is in the throes of the two-week growth spurt or is battling thrush or mastitis. It's hard, but as a new parent it's important to not allow unhelpful comments like these to affect your mindset.

To Support Mom: Rather than trying to deter her from a path you think may be causing her stress, it is more helpful and more supportive to try to understand what her own goals are. A better comment in the above situation might be, "I can tell you really want to make nursing work, and you're doing an amazing job. I heard of a great lactation consultant in the area. Do you want her number?" If the mom really wants to breastfeed, suggesting that she stop will not make her feel supported. Helping her attain her goals will improve her mood and situation.

Preparation and Education

As new parents, we need to be prepared to avoid the improper and unhelpful advice and to call upon our emotional and practical support people whenever we need to. Gather your support system around you before you give birth, and be ready to discard information and advice that isn't what you want to hear.

As supportive friends and family members of new parents, it's our job to say the right words and be prepared with the right information. It doesn't hurt for others besides the new mom to learn a little about breastfeeding so that we can help in a way that the new parents will appreciate. It's important to know what the parents want and how to help them achieve that. Parents are bombarded by advice, some of which is contradictory, and knowing they have people to lean on who will simply be there to say, "I know it's hard now, but you're doing great, and it gets easier" will be invaluable.

How have you supported friends or relatives as they begin their parenting journeys? How have you been best supported when you've had a new baby? When we came home from the hospital with my third son, it was an incredibly hot and humid day, he screamed whenever he wasn't on the breast, and I was completely emotionally drained. A friend texted me just to say I was doing great, and it felt so good to hear that, even though it was my third baby. What is your favorite thing to tell a new parent, and how do they usually respond?

So You've Just Had a Baby. Now What?

The initial postpartum period, the first six to 12 weeks after giving birth, is challenging. Whether it's your first baby or your fourth, you are adjusting to having a new member of your family, of meeting the demands of a helpless, dependent being, and of getting to know and love this new little person. Let's talk a little about what you can do to make this time of transition as healthy as possible for you and your newborn as well as the rest of your family.

Enlist someone to organize offers of help

You know you're going to need some kind of help after the baby is born. This can differ from person to person, but most new parents appreciate having others help them in some way, from caring for older siblings, to sending meals, to washing dishes, to folding laundry, to running errands. Figure out what you think you'll need the most help with before you give birth, and then ask someone to be in charge of organizing all the offers you'll (hopefully) receive. This can be a religious community leader, a good friend, a relative, a neighbor, or anyone else you trust and who you know can handle the responsibility. Often someone steps up to be the point person. Tell this person what you think you'll want the most help with and direct all offers of, "What can I do to help you?" or "Do you need meals?" to this person. There are also websites that can help everyone keep track of what needs doing and when.

A few things I can recommend, from experience, to put on the list:

• Help with your other kids: Entertain older siblings, assist with school pick-ups and drop-offs, take your toddler for a few hours (playdates, baby-sitting by grandparents/aunts/cousins)
• Food: Ask people to make meals that can be eaten cold or room temperature or that are easy to rewarm. Specify dietary restrictions, allergies, preferences to the point person.
• Laundry: Newborns generate a lot of laundry, and the rest of the family still needs clean clothes and sheets and towels. If someone can throw in a load of laundry or fold and put away clean stuff, this can be very helpful.
• Kitchen: You can use paper goods for a while, or you can take the offer from someone to wash dishes, load/unload the dishwasher, and put clean dishes away.
• Errands: If someone offers, send them to the store with a specific list of random things you haven't been able to get out of the house to pick up. Maybe you're low on certain staple foods, diapers, or receiving blankets and burp cloths. Be sure to establish how and when you'll be paying them back, or give them cash to take with them to the store.
• Company: Being home with a new baby can be lonely. Sometimes it's nice just to have someone come over with a cup of coffee and hang out. Keep the visits short and to close friends and family, and don't feel obligated to play hostess.
• Baby-Holding: The thing you'll probably both most and least want is for others to hold your baby. Make it clear that what you need help with is everything else, not holding the baby. However, sometimes you just want to take a long, hot shower in peace, and then it's nice to have someone around you can trust to hold the baby for 20 minutes while you take some time for yourself. Alternatively, if you know the baby is content and fed and should be fine for an hour, ask someone to keep an eye on him for you while you take a nap.

Keep track of feeds, diapers, and sleep

It's very hard to rely on your short-term memory when you've just had a baby. This means that even if you're used to being able to remember things like the last time you ate, I guarantee, your brain will be too hazy and foggy to remember how many diapers you've changed, which side you last nursed on, and the last time the baby took a nap, all at once. Unfortunately, doctors and nurses LOVE to have this kind of information when assessing your baby's health, and it's important for you to have an idea of how often and for how long the baby is eating and sleeping and how many wet and dirty diapers he is producing in a given day. 

Some parents keep a detailed spreadsheet of every diaper, feeding, and nap. Others jot down the information in a notebook that they carry with them all the time. I tried to just rely on my memory with my three, but I can tell you, I usually had absolutely no idea how often my babies were eating. I usually only knew which side I had last nursed on because that side of my nursing bra was unhooked! Thankfully, in this era of smartphones and iPads, we can make technology do the work for us. There are a number of apps out there for both iOS and Android that can help keep track of all this information for you.

One app I can specifically recommend is smallnest. It's for iPhone, iPod, and iPad, and it has some really interesting features that make baby care a little bit easier to track. First of all, it has a very simple, clean interface that takes no time to learn to use. When you sit down to nurse, tap the "Food" button, select Left Breast or Right Breast, and it will instantly record that feeding. When you're done, stop the feeding. (You can also track bottle feeds and meals of solids.) It will then update the display to show how long since baby's last feeding and will add that information to a running list of the day's activities. You can also track pee and poo diapers and sleep. Secondly, the most exciting feature of this app is its ability to connect all of your baby's caregivers. By linking the app with your Facebook account, you can invite other caregivers, like Daddy or a nanny, to download the app to their device as well, and then they also can track feedings, diapers, and naps. This information is then shared to all devices that are connected to that particular baby, so everyone knows everything at the touch of a button. Plus, you can leave your phone downstairs and put the information into your iPad that you left by the bed, instead of worrying that you've left your device somewhere when it's time for a feeding. (Thanks to smallnest for signing up to be Jessica on Babies' first sponsor!* Click through and check out the app!)

Take care of YOURSELF

It's tempting to try to jump back in to all of your pre-pregnancy or pre-baby activities the minute you get home with your new baby. Often, we're still high on the hormone rush of birth and are raring to go. Take it from me: RELAX. The first six weeks postpartum are one of the only times we have in life to take license to simply rest. Your body needs rest. Your baby needs you to be rested. You have a lot of healing and recovering to do, whether you had a picture perfect, easy birth or a difficult c-section or something in between. The worst thing you can do is try to be up and training for a marathon two weeks after giving birth. Don't worry about weight loss. Don't worry about work. Don't worry about keeping up with your toddler. Take a few weeks to just RELAX.

One thing I won't say is to "sleep when baby sleeps." That was the one piece of advice I hated, because I know how impractical it can be. However, try to nap with baby at least once a day, or at least veg in front of the TV while he naps in your arms. You don't have to be running around all the time.

Surround yourself with SUPPORT

Help with meals and laundry is not enough. You also need to have a support system in place. Having people around who share your parenting philosophy and can offer support in the difficult early days is invaluable. They say it takes a village, and it really does. You need someone to commiserate with over the three-week growth spurt, the every-two-hours waking at night, the poo-splosions, and the boredom. You need someone who can answer your questions about feedings and give good advice (whether this is your mom, a trusted friend, or a professional IBCLC). You need people who will say the words you need to hear when you're feeling your most exhausted and worn out. You need people who will watch you for signs of postpartum depression, anxiety, or psychosis and ensure that you get the help you need. And you need people around who won't be driven away by your crazy hormone surges and moodiness.

Do you have other tips for new mothers that you'd like to share? We'd love to hear your comments!

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* If you are interested in discussing a possible partnership or sponsorship with Jessica on Babies, please email jessicaonbabies (at) gmail (dot) com. I would be very happy to talk about what options there are to increase your visibility among new parents.

A House Full of Boys

This is my 100th published post! Taking suggestions on how to celebrate!

Also, I'm very excited to announce that my book, The "Yes, It's Normal!" Guide to Breastfeeding is now available for purchase in paperback through Amazon for $9.99.

And now, onto the post!

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Often, when I first meet someone and introduce my three boys, the question immediately following, "How old are they?" is, "Are you going to have another?" or "Are you going to try for a girl?" I wonder why this is. Are my baby-making plans up for public discussion? Why such intense interest in what should be an intimate process between my husband and me? I mean, sure, if I were already pregnant with another, asking if I'm hoping for a girl would be understandable, but to ask if we're "planning" to have another, or "trying" to have another? One person even went so far as to offer advice on how to increase our chances of conceiving a girl!

I don't know if the fact that we have three in relatively quick succession (26 months and 32 months apart) makes people assume that we're not planning to stop at three, or if the fact that they're all boys make people assume that we had a third because we were trying for a girl, or if the fact that we're still relatively young (and I apparently look younger than I am) makes people assume that we'll just keep on letting them come until they stop on their own. We have used birth control in the past, our kids were planned (yes, all three), and we didn't keep going because we were "hoping" for a girl.

Full disclosure, until the 20-week ultrasound with each of the three pregnancies, I was sure I was having a girl, and I admit to slight disappointment at first upon finding out they were boys. Well, with GI, it wasn't so much disappointment as genuine surprise and a bit of relief. At least, by then, I knew what to do with a boy and had all the requisite clothing and gear. I do want a daughter. I've always fantasized about raising a girl. On the other hand, now that I have boys, the idea of having a girl terrifies me, because it seems like girls are way harder to raise.

Though it isn't really anyone's business, my husband and I have always talked about having four kids. Now that we have three, a fourth seems inevitable. But as for when, well, isn't that kind of a personal question? Do you need to know whether I'm using birth control or what kind? Do you need to know how often we're "doing the BD," as they say in trying-to-conceive parlance? Do you need to know if we've yet had success? I don't really think so. I promise, when and if I get pregnant, you will know about it as soon as it's appropriate to say so. Or until I can't hide it.

As for "are you going to try for a girl?", that isn't exactly fair to my boys, is it? There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful to have my boys. I've never once wished that any of them was a girl. I've never tried to imagine how life would be different if we had a girl or two or three. In fact, in some ways, I feel like the fact that we've been blessed with boys is a sort of tap on the shoulder from G-d. "You are meant to mother boys," He tells me. "You will raise your sons to be men who respect women, love Judaism, and be sensitive and gentle fathers." They have their father as an excellent example of what a man should be and how a man should act. They have both of us to teach them to love Judaism and want a Jewish home when they grow up. If we end up as a house with four sons, then at least by now I know what to do with a boy. And if I've proven myself a worthy mother of boys and G-d chooses to bless us with a daughter, I will be even more grateful for her, and she will be lucky to have three older brothers to protect her. What could be better than that? And what mother could be luckier than I, that one day I could potentially have four excellent daughters-in-law, to love and cherish and to bring her beautiful grandchildren?

When confronted, then, with the questions, "Are you going to have more?" and, "Are you trying for a girl?", I really don't know what to say, except, "We'll see what happens," and "It's not up to me." Because it isn't. Not really.

How to Baby-Proof, or You Can't Baby-Proof a Three-Year-Old

You would think baby-proofing would get easier the more kids you have, because you already know what needs doing. You would be wrong. It's harder. Much harder.

When you have your first baby, and that first baby shows signs of crawling and exploring and putting everything in his mouth and pushing the buttons on the Xbox and stealing things out of your pantry and flushing things down the toilet, you go around and remove or prevent access to anything he shouldn't have. You might start off with a few baby gates, some closed doors, and a Play Yard fence. A few cabinet locks in the kitchen, some silicone doohickies to protect his (extremely hard) head from the (pointy) coffee table corners, and make sure you don't leave any pennies on the floor.

When NJ became a mobile baby, this was pretty much what we had. Our floorplan was such that there were two doorways to the kitchen, which meant we could simply put a pressure gate on each side to keep him out and safe from hot splattering oil. We put a gate at the top and bottom of the stairs. We put a fence around the TV and the cat litter boxes. And we kept the bathroom doors closed until he figured out (and could reach) the doorknobs. Then we got covers for the doorknobs. Then he actually needed to be able to get into the bathrooms but was old enough to know not to play in the toilet or unroll the toilet paper, so we took the thingies off the doorknobs and opened the bathroom doors.

And then SB was born. Since NJ was only two when SB was born, a lot of the house was still baby-proofed - gates were still up, cupboards were still locked, and NJ didn't have any toys that weren't for the under-three crowd (like, say, Legos). And he wasn't interested in money, so there weren't random coins lying around.

We moved into a new house when SB was almost two, and by then we didn't need anything baby-proofed, because four-year-old NJ and two-year-old SB were smart enough not to kill themselves. We may have had a few outlet covers, but nothing else. Nothing. And then NJ and SB got things like Legos and money.

And then we had GI.

For six months, GI was a stationary, lump-like being who was easy to keep safe. And then one day he figured out how to crawl and get all up in his brothers' business.

And then he fell down the stairs. Well, four steps, and they're carpeted, but it still scared me. A lot.

So we put a gate at the top of the stairs. And we had been practicing with NJ and SB for months not to play with Legos in the living room. When we moved in, we made the garage into a playroom for them, not that they play in there very often, and I made a rule when GI was about four months old that they could only play with Legos in the garage. We would make the garage their place, and GI wouldn't be allowed to go in there, and thus he would be safe from their big boy toys.

Only, they don't play in the garage. And lots of interesting choking hazards make their way into the living room. Like, for example, when GI found a bit of a popped balloon. Sigh.

And they have to remember to close the gate at the top of the stairs, but only if GI is upstairs and free, because the cats can't jump the gate (well, one of them can't), and their food and water and litter boxes are in the spare bedroom. Oh yeah, and don't forget to close the spare bedroom door when GI is upstairs and free, because litter boxes ≠ sand boxes, and cat food should really stay in the bowls, not be scattered all over the floor. But don't forget to open it again when he's no longer free to get in there or the cats won't be able to eat or poo. And keep the bathroom doors closed! I hate finding half the toilet paper unrolled, or, worse, GI happily splashing in the toilet.

And the kitchen. He LOVES the kitchen. And if we gate the kitchen, we can't open one of the cupboards, and the older boys can't get to the garage (which is accessible only through the kitchen). I must have had a burst of inspiration when I put the kids' plastic bowls and plates and cups in a bottom drawer near the sink, because GI has a blast opening up that drawer and taking everything out. At least it's safe stuff! We did have to put a child lock on the pantry, because he kept finding glass bottles to bang against the tile floor. But then SB couldn't open the pantry to get to his snacks at snack time. This is the catch-22 of baby-proofing, when you want to keep the baby out but not the preschooler!

And don't forget to close the bathroom door!

And pick up that penny.

And throw away your string cheese wrapper.

Don't you want to play with your Legos? In the garage.

I do have an excellent piece of baby-proofing advice, though, so this post doesn't become a total waste. Follow the baby's lead. See what he finds interesting, decide if it can be made safe, must be made off limits, or is perfectly fine, and adjust accordingly. I personally don't mind if he pulls the DVDs off the shelf, but if you do, move them up to a shelf he can't reach, or put a fence or gate in front of them. We decided we really didn't want him banging on the TV screen (really? Why not?), so I put a Play Yard fence in front of the TV. I hate this fence with a passion, but it protects both GI and the TV. And it's definitely better for things to be out of sight than just out of reach, because a frustrated baby will (a) scream a lot because he wants it, and (b) will probably try to find a way to get to it.

And then, suddenly, they're not babies anymore, and you can take the gates down.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Keep Going

I'm so sorry for my rather long silence here. It's been busy, busy with my day job and kids and it being summer, and I haven't had much time or energy for blogging. But I'm brimming with thoughts, so hopefully I'll have some articles coming at you one after another for the next few weeks, if things calm down.

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Last Sunday night was one of the best nights I'd had in a long time. GI didn't wake up an unreasonable amount of times, and in between I felt like I really got some good sleep. Monday, he took two great naps, and I got tons done while he slept. I was highly optimistic for Monday night, as a result. Instead, he literally did not sleep the entire night, and, thus, neither did I. It was after 6:00 a.m. before he (and I) finally dozed off, and by 7:00, I had to be awake for the other two kids, breakfast, etc. I don't know why he was awake. He wasn't fussy, didn't seem to be in pain, wasn't playing. He was nursing, nursing, nursing, eyes open. It felt a lot like the night back in December where I drank several cups of cream soda at dinner, not realizing that it was caffeinated, and then simply lay there the entire night, not asleep but not fully awake, either. I'm certain I hadn't given GI any cream soda that night, though...

Needless to say, Tuesday was rough. But, I couldn't just take a day to rest and veg a little. No, Tuesday we had an appointment with SB's speech therapist, whose office is about 45 minutes away. I had promised the kids to visit a neat cafe on the way back, called Java Mama, which is a coffee shop specifically catering to parents with small children. They have gourmet coffee drinks, yummy food for adults and kids, and a supervised play area for the six-and-under crowd. It's pretty fantastic, but it's far enough away that I don't go there unless I'm in the area anyway or have a meeting or something there. The point is, we had things to do on Tuesday, so I had to swallow my fatigue, bury my exhaustion, and power on. We made it through the day, even through a thorough shopping at Walmart, and got home in time to make dinner. And that's when I crashed. I opened the pantry and couldn't fathom the idea of cooking dinner. I could feel the muscles in my neck and arms twitching. I'd had it. I'd exhausted my reserves (what little I had). I gathered my wits enough to pull out a box of potato pancake mix and whisk up the batter. I set out the first batch to fry and had to go sit down. It was like that for the entire dinner-making: flip pancakes, sit down; remove pancakes, put on next batch, sit down; flip, sit. I finally brought a chair into the kitchen so I could sit down between bursts of activity. It was that bad.

I so looked forward to bedtime. I'd put the two older ones to bed, nurse down GI, who would surely be tired enough to sleep well, and go to bed early after enjoying the quiet for a little while. I always take time to enjoy the quiet; it's what keeps me sane sometimes. Only, when I finally did go to bed, I lay there, eyes open, not quite awake but not really asleep, for at least four hours. Seriously. Not okay.

I did get some sleep, eventually, and GI slept his usual way, waking frequently to nurse but sleeping in between, so if I had also been asleep, it wouldn't have been any worse than I'm used to at this point. I couldn't fathom how I could be lying there awake for hours upon hours when I was that tired, but lay there I did, hour after hour.

Things were back to normal Wednesday night, and it's been basically fine since. I don't know what was keeping him up on Monday night, and I don't know what kept me up on Tuesday (the extra shot of espresso at lunch, maybe?), but it happens sometimes. It's part of parenting. Sometimes, you have a sleepless night or two. Sometimes you're sick. Sometimes you have a million things to do and all you want to do is lie down. But as parents, as mothers, sometimes we just have to power on. We don't get sick days.

There's no secret to it, really. I get that a lot lately, "How do you do it? You make having three kids look easy! I don't know how you manage with the baby and the other two, and make dinners and work!" and so on. Hey, I bask in the occasional compliment, when the mother at the park mentions how polite or cute my kids are, when the manager at a restaurant is amazed by my corralling all three at once, when a fellow parent is envious of how fast I can get all three into the car and buckled up. But if they ask how I do it? There's no secret. You just do it. You just do it. You don't have a choice, so you just do it. Got three kids? Hold the baby, have the other two grab some part of you or your clothing, and start walking across the parking lot. Put the baby in the shopping cart and the littler of the other two in the cart basket and go. Give the oldest a job to do, like grab items from the lower shelves. Bring something for the older two to do while the baby gets his checkup. You just do what needs doing. And I don't really think I'm such an expert. I get impatient. I get irritated. I handle things badly, especially when I'm tired. I think it only looks incredibly difficult to those who have fewer kids than I do.

When we have some bad nights, I try not to think in terms of "trends." I don't say, "Oh, it's been better lately," or "The past three nights have been horrible!" I take it one night at a time: "Tonight sucked, but tomorrow will be better," or "Wow, what a great night. I feel so much better today." I have the luxury of knowing that it will eventually be decent most of the time, even though that time seems very far off right now. I think that for first-time parents, it's harder, because you don't have that perspective.

Just keep going. Enjoy the silence when you have it, enjoy the sleep you get, and think how fleeting this time really is in the grand scheme of things. I've gotten through 10 months. I can go a bit longer.

Deciding to Have Another Baby

When I was pregnant with my second, and then my third, I was often asked how I knew I wanted another. How did I know I wasn't done? Was I trying for "the girl?" How many kids did I want? How did I know? How did I know when I was ready for another?

The simple truth is, we didn't really know. When we were early in our marriage, we both knew we wanted kids, we both knew we wanted to wait a little while (I was only 20 when we got married, and we wanted to be more financially secure and have an idea where we were headed in life before having kids. It almost happened that way.), and we both knew we wanted two kids. After a while, "two" became "four." Then, when we finally did decide we were ready, and I was about seven months pregnant with NJ, we were visiting potential pediatricians, saw a mother with three young boys, and looked at each other and said, "Two. Far apart." Our original intention was to have two kids with about four years between them.

If you've been keeping up, you probably realized that changed. Dramatically. NJ and SB are only 26 months apart, and SB and GI are just shy of 32 months apart.

To be honest, for a while after NJ was born, I couldn't fathom ever having another child. While my pregnancy itself wasn't terribly difficult, the labor and delivery were traumatic for me. The newborn period was tough. Figuring out work and childcare was challenging. And, finally, PPD toward the end of his first year made the idea of more children almost unimaginable.

But things got easier, my depression eased, and traumatic memory faded, and by the time NJ was 18 months old, we had a delightful toddler who charmed everyone, and we decided that we made such awesome babies that we should go ahead and do it again. By then, I was excited to go for the birth and breastfeeding experience I hadn't gotten with NJ, and I was excited to have two babies close in age so that they could grow up as good buddies, and I really hoped to have a girl.

It had taken me a reasonably long time to become pregnant when we decided to try the first time, so we assumed it would take a while the second time as well. It didn't. It took two months. And, as loyal readers know, the labor, delivery, and breastfeeding experience the second time around created a much happier memory. Sure, the newborn period was still tough, but I had more friends, my mom moved to the same city and was able to help out, I was working from home, so childcare wasn't as big of a problem, and we were excited to have two.

I'm not so sure that we "knew" we were ready, or that we "knew" we wanted more. We kind of just went with the flow. We had decided years before that we'd have more than one, and neither of us really wanted our son to be an only child, and the only way to prevent that was to give him a sibling. Which we did. And they are practically inseparable.

I was so jazzed from how great my VBAC was that I was absolutely ready for a third. I hoped that we could finally produce a girl, for one, and for two, we'd long since become certain that we would have four kids. We knew enough families with four kids at that time to feel that four was an excellent number.

I remember discussing with a friend how in the world I would know I was ready for a third. She said not to think about it financially or about having space in the house or the car. (I famously spent a year worried about getting three car seats in my car!) After all, job situations and financial status can change. You can move. You can buy a new car. What you really need to consider is if you are emotionally capable of caring for a third child. How is it when both kids are at home? Can you handle the squabbles and the differing needs? Can you make time for each? Can you make time for both together? Do you enjoy the time? Can you see adding more time investment and energy to the mix?

I thought this was excellent advice, and, at the time of the discussion, I knew I wasn't ready. I found having both at home quite difficult. I didn't know how to program the day or handle their routines. I didn't have it "down." Indeed, I feel more comfortable now, with all three home, than I did at the time with only two. I learned.

It took us longer this time, both to become ready physically (I had a Mirena IUD and had to wait for an appointment to have it removed, first of all) and emotionally (then, we were in the midst of house-hunting and house-buying, and I think the stress made it more difficult to conceive). But after five months, in the month after finally being settled in our new house, I got the positive result on my home pregnancy test. That was GI, who is now nine months old.

GI's birth and so forth were pretty ideal, and it satiated the drive I had had looking for "the perfect birth." I knew that not everyone gets the birth experience she hopes for, but since I was having more kids anyway, I allowed myself to hope. Once GI's birth went off without a hitch, I felt like I'd finally filled that need. It's not that I had more kids just to fulfill a quest for an inspiring birth experience, but my eagerness to become pregnant again soon was partly because of this desire.

Now, with an elementary-schooler, a preschool-aged kid who's home all day, and a crawling, clever, curious nine-month-old, my eagerness to become pregnant and have another is kind of at a low point. It's hard. Part of what made deciding to have a third fairly easy was that we were at a very good stage in both NJ and SB's development. They were becoming more independent. They were mostly sleeping through the night. I was "getting" it, in terms of routine and balancing "me" time with "them" time and getting work done. Throwing a new baby into the harmony we'd developed has reminded me that having a baby is incredibly fun but also a great challenge, and I'm putting everything I have into trying to maintain that balance with all three, especially now that it's summer and NJ doesn't even have school. One thing that has helped is that very independence that NJ and SB have, though. I can be spending time with GI while his brothers get themselves ready for bed, I can nurse the baby while they find games to play, I can work while the baby sleeps because the older boys can entertain themselves, by and large. If not for that, I'd probably have lost my mind by now.

I know I will want another. Probably by the time GI is a toddler, I'll be pining for the cute baby stage again, especially since I have several friends who are pregnant now and are due right around when GI will be one year old. And since we've already made the decision to have four kids, I'm game to go for it one more time. But I can't see doing more than that. One friend of mine, upon her second son's birth, said she felt totally done. She had her two kids. She did not feel the need for more. She'd filled that need in her head for kids, and she did not want to go through pregnancy, labor, and delivery again. I'm not there yet. I feel like I've got one more good go in me. But I think I'll feel that way after that. We'll see.

In this day and age, where we can almost definitively choose when to have kids, how many to have, and how far apart to have them, we suddenly have many decisions to make. Those who do not use any form of birth control, who don't try to make that decision but rather leave it up to G-d, fate, or luck, don't go through these ruminations. They just go on in their marriage knowing that they will have kids as they come. I know several such families, and it works for them. If you know it's not up to you, then it's not up to you. It's simple.

But if that's not how your marriage operates, then how do you decide how many, when, and how far apart? Well, I don't have a lot of insight, but I can offer a few observations.

How many kids should we have? If you're used to a big family and love it, chances are you won't feel "done" after one or two. On the other hand, if you're overwhelmed by the idea of that many kids, having experienced it growing up, you'll probably be quite sated after one or two! On the other hand, if you are an only child or have only one sibling, you may feel that wasn't enough and that you'd like your children to have a "big family" childhood. Or, you may feel that was the perfect number and would simply like to replicate it. So much depends on your own experience in your own family.

How far apart should they be? So, NJ and SB are reasonably close in age. The advantages are as follows: They're growing up playing together and always having been in each other's lives (NJ didn't get to be the "only" for long enough to remember it); for us as parents, NJ still wasn't independent when SB was born, so we were still used to being needed all the time, so it wasn't a readjustment; having babies close together means that our kids will grow up while we're still young enough to enjoy them growing up, and they'll be grown while we're still young enough to enjoy the empty nest - I really think there's something to be said for that. The disadvantages run basically parallel: You don't get as much time with just the one kid; you don't get a "break" from being needed all the time before jumping back into it; it takes a lot of energy to care for a toddler and a newborn, two toddlers, or a preschooler and a toddler. I know families with kids as close as 13 or 14 months apart and as far as seven years apart. I don't know what's "better." But if I were to imagine five year between my kids, or from NJ to GI without SB in between, I think it would be much harder to have a baby again, knowing how independent NJ has become. On the other hand, NJ is independent enough that I get more time with the baby. But, I so love the closeness between NJ and SB, and what I hope will develop between SB and GI.

Of course, there's always the question of wanting "one of each." With three boys, now, I often get the question, "are you going to try for the girl?" As much control as I have over my own reproduction, that is one aspect I can't control, nor would I choose to. If I'm meant to be a mom of boys, so be it! On the other hand, if I'm meant to have a girl one day, that would be nice. However, I don't see myself continuing to have kids until that happens!

Sometimes I picture my house in 10 years or so, when NJ and SB are teenagers, and GI and a theoretical younger sibling are tweens, and I tremble with fear. But then I look farther forward, 20, 30 years down the line, to when all of our kids, G-d willing, are having kids of their own, and it will be amazing to see our family continue to grow. And I try very hard not to think about the in-between years, of potentially a decade or more of college tuition. And that's a consideration, too!

On Having More Than One Child

I thought to myself this morning in the shower, "I wish I had been as confident a mother when my NJ was born as I am now." And then I realized that was an absolutely silly statement, because it's impossible to be "confident" as a first-time parent. Everything's new! I'm confident now with GI because I've done this twice before. And as far as the issues NJ brings up, well, I'm not so confident about those. He's my first five-year-old.

I think what I meant when I said that to myself was that I wish I had appreciated the time I had with NJ when I had it. When a friend of mine was about eight or nine months pregnant with her second, and I was the "experienced" parent, since I already had two and was pregnant with a third, she said to me that she was concerned about when the baby was born because she wouldn't be able to give the 100% attention to her older son that she was used to being able to give him. And she wouldn't be able to give the baby 100% attention, either.

I shrugged and said, "Of course not." Of course you can't. You give what you can to each kid, according to his needs. A newborn needs lots of attention, but many six-month-olds can be sat on the floor or in an Exersaucer for a good 30 minutes sometimes before needing you at all, and you can spend that time with your other child(ren). And when the baby is asleep, you spend time with your other child(ren). And if you have other children who nap, too, then you can use one's naptime to pay attention to the others. Obviously you can't give 100% to any of your children, once you have more than one, but a child benefits from even 10 or 20 minutes of one-on-one time with Mommy or Daddy. And in a two-parent household, Mommy can take one while Daddy takes the other(s). Or you can hopefully find help from a grandma or two, a nanny, a baby-sitter, or trade off childcare with other moms in similar boats.

One thing I've found with my two older boys, though, is that they crave each other as much as they crave their parents. This means that even though I can't give any of the three my undivided attention at all times, they don't need it. NJ and SB play together without needing me at all. They entertain each other. They don't want to be separated. When they fight, sometimes I threaten to make one of them play upstairs and the other one downstairs, and they scream, "No!!!!" This is a terrible punishment to them, to be separated, even though they're fighting!


When Cars 2 came out in June, we had planned for Daddy to take NJ by himself to see it - his first theater movie - as a special treat because he's older. When we told him about it, he insisted that SB come along. He didn't want SB to miss out on something so special. So, we all went as a family, and SB was as enthralled by the movie as NJ was, and my heart was warmed by the love of two brothers.


I believe that children are meant to have siblings. I know a few teenage girls who are only children, and they love playing with little kids. I don't know if they're a representative sample of only children, but I'm impressed by how much they enjoy the presence of other kids. I would think growing up without a sibling would be lonely. The way I see SB and NJ play, and how GI's eyes follow his brothers as much as they follow me, and how he smiles and giggles when he sees them just as much as he smiles and giggles when he sees me (sometimes more!), I know that humans are not meant to be raised alone. We are meant to have playmates, siblings, company.

I am so grateful that my two older boys are close enough in age to enjoy each other's company and play together. It was a rough road when they were younger, having two toddlers at once, and two in diapers at once, and two waking up at night. But it pays off. Because they play together. SB looks forward to when NJ comes home from school. NJ wakes up SB (gee, thanks) in the morning so they can go downstairs together to play or watch TV before my husband and I are up for the day. And wherever one of the boys is, the other must be, too. It's amazing.

I worried, before SB was born, how we would foster a bond between them, so that they would want to be together and play together and love each other and protect each other. I didn't know "how" to do that, as a parent. It turns out, we didn't have to do anything special. We included NJ in SB's care, and now we include both of them in GI's care. The younger sibling naturally worships the older. And when the younger one is old enough to play with the older one, each is happy to have a playmate. I hope this relationship continues throughout their lives.

I'm sure that having all of the kids home with me (when NJ's not in school) helps. They see each other every day, play together every day, and are forced to find a way to enjoy each other's company, or it would be a miserable house, indeed.

I do wonder how the dynamic might be different if one was a girl, but I somehow don't think it would change much. I know several families with boys and girls, and the boys and girls play together and enjoy each other's company just as much. I'm sure it changes when they're older, though.

I look forward to when GI is old enough to join his brothers' play. I hope that he is integrated and included. The almost five-year difference between him and NJ might make it difficult, but he'll always have SB just above him for company. If a fourth child should come into the picture (eventually? G-d willing?), then he'll also have a younger sibling to enjoy.

The best part is, I imagine NJ as the sort of big brother who will protect his little brothers. "That's my brother. I'm allowed to hit him, but nobody else is!" He already looks out for SB. He takes his big brother role very seriously.

Indeed, the only way I can get shopping done with all three of them right now is to put GI in a stroller, stick SB in the seat of the shopping cart, and have NJ push the stroller as we walk the Walmart aisles. We got many amazed looks this morning, people impressed that a five-year-old could handle the responsibility, but I don't worry. NJ is very concerned about his baby brother's well-being, and he likes be trusted to help me. I told him today that I don't think I could get the shopping done without him, and I could literally see him swell with pride. What a wonderful feeling for both of us.

I do sometimes miss having just one. When you have just one, you can nap when they do. You can hand him off to the other parent or some other caregiver and just relax (or get stuff done around the house). You can spend 100% of your "kid time" with him. And the amount of yelling and screaming and jealousy and "That's not fair!" and "He hit me!" and "No, I wanna do it!" and "How come he got one and I didn't?" and "I want to go first!" can be wearing once they're both old enough to be aware of such things. But it's so worth it. So worth it.