Let Me Answer That For You: A Response to All the [Negative or Unsupportive] Comments on Any Article about Nursing in Public

I don't know why I bother to read the comments on articles that reference breastfeeding in public. There's never anything new, and there are never any surprises, and I'm never left feeling like there's any hope for humanity. But I persist. I keep hoping to see something different.

Take, for example, an article on The Huffington Post yesterday. It was entitled, "Why Breastfeeding Moms Are Praising Target". The article shared a picture from Facebook that shows major retailer Target explicitly stating its policy on how employees should treat breastfeeding mothers in all Target stores. The policy states:

"Guests may openly breastfeed in our stores or ask where they can go to breastfeed their child. When this happens, remember these points:

• Target's policy supports breastfeeding in any area of our stores, including our fitting rooms, even if others are waiting
• If you see a guest breastfeeding in our stores, do not approach her
• If she approaches and asks you for a location to breastfeed, offer the fitting room (do not offer the restroom as an option)

If you have any questions, partner with your leader."

Breastfeeding mothers are lauding Target for making it abundantly clear that they are welcome to breastfeed anywhere in a Target store, that they will not be approached or harassed by Target employees, and that employees are to offer a fitting room - and not a restroom - to a mother who asks for a private location to breastfeed.

Because I apparently enjoy a trainwreck as much as the next guy (or girl), I clicked on the comments on HuffPost's Facebook post about this article.

And, as usual, there were no surprises.

So, I present: "Let Me Answer That For You," a response to All The Comments, Ever, on any article discussing breastfeeding in public.

"I don't want to see that." 
Then I have good news for you! You don't have to look! And if you happen to be looking in my direction and are *gasp* treated to a brief view of some side boob or flabby mommy-of-4 tummy, then may I offer you some eye bleach? There are lots of things out there I don't want to see. You know what I do about it? I look in another direction.

"There are children watching."
Uh huh. And I bet a lot of those children breastfed and will go up to have babies who breastfeed. I bet none of those children are offended by what they are seeing. I bet none of those children have any reason to think they should be offended by what they are seeing. I guarantee not one of them will be psychologically damaged by witnessing a baby eating. I am 100% certain that my breasts do not produce harmful radiation, project dangerous laser beams, or are bright enough to cause retinal burns. And if your child turns to you and asks, "What is that lady doing with that baby?", all you have to do is say, "She's feeding him," and your child will go back to telling you about brown dogs, fire hydrants, and how they don't like broccoli.

"There are men around. You know how they are!"
To be honest, I see more negative comments from women than men about public breastfeeding. Most men don't seem to care one way or another, and I've certainly never felt that one is staring at me hoping for a nip slip. And if he is? That's his problem, not mine. Why do you care?

"You should time your errands around your child's feeding schedule."
No. I shouldn't. I shouldn't have to. First of all, what if I have more than one child? What if I have this exact two-hour window between preschool drop-off and pickup to run to Target to buy diapers, hit a grocery store to replenish the milk and eggs we used up at breakfast, ship some stuff at the post office, and deposit a check at the bank? And what if, shocking as it may be, my baby happens to get hungry during those two hours? It's quite likely that she will, and when she does, if I don't feed her, she will scream. She will cry. And then you will look at me and say to your friend, judgmentally, "Ugh, why is she letting that poor baby cry?" Babies don't always have predictable feeding times. Exclusively breastfed babies may sometimes go two hours between meals and other times, sometimes on the same day, go only 45 minutes between meals. And a key to maintaining healthy breastfeeding is to feed when the baby is hungry, whether you're at Target or sitting in your bedroom. Besides, if I get hungry while I'm out, I'm very likely to grab a bite to eat. If I have my preschooler with me and he gets hungry, I'll give him a snack. Why does my baby have to be different just because her "snack" comes from my breasts instead of my diaper bag or McDonald's?

"Why don't you pump before you leave so you can give them a bottle while you're out?"
Where do I begin, here? Well. (a) Some babies refuse to drink from a bottle; (b) Many women do not respond well to the pump and can't express enough milk to fill a bottle; (c) Maybe I did just that but he got hungry again and I don't have another bottle for him; (d) If I don't pump on a regular basis, I probably won't be able to produce enough during the rushed 15 minutes before walking out the door to provide that bottle; (e) Feeding from a bottle is not the same as feeding at the breast, and it's a million extra steps instead of simply latching on and going; (f) Don't nobody with a young baby got time for an extra pumping session before running errands! (g) When, exactly, should I pump? Between feedings? Should I leave him crying in his car seat while I squeeze out a few drops of milk before I load up the car and go? Do you have any idea how much longer it takes and how much more work it is to pump as opposed to just feeding from the breast? I have a family to raise!

"Leave the baby at home when you go out."
With whom? Are you volunteering to babysit? Because, actually, running errands without my baby in tow sounds heavenly, but I'm it when it comes to childcare. Also, what if she gets hungry while I'm out? Who's gonna breastfeed her? You? See above for reasons I might not be able to just leave a bottle of pumped milk. And, yes, I'm aware that formula exists, and, no, I don't want to give him any. Thanks for the tip.

"Breastfeeding should be a private and intimate act."
Do you set up a romantic, private table, with candles and wine, for every meal? Does your family never shovel food in their mouths while packing up for school and running out the door? Is every meal in your home a private bonding moment? No? Because neither is every breastfeeding. Sometimes breastfeeding is just feeding. It's a meal. It's a brief stop in between returning books at the library and getting gas. Yes, breastfeeding in a quiet room, just me and the baby, can be very nice, but there isn't always time for that, and it isn't always appropriate. Sometimes, you just gotta feed the baby and move on.

"Just because it's natural doesn't mean everyone needs to see it. Sex/urinating/defecating is also natural!"
I really don't want to have to go there again, but I will, since you brought it up. Breastfeeding does not involve unsanitary bodily fluids such as urine, nor waste products such as feces. Breastfeeding is feeding. Breastmilk is food. Just because it happens to involve the breast does not mean it's the same as having sex. We do not flush breastmilk down the toilet. We do not have sex as a form of nourishment. We do not eat in the bathroom. Orgasm does not provide calories, fats, vitamins, and minerals to help us grow. Give me a break. It's not the same thing. Hugging my child is natural, and I do that all the time in public. Eating a salad is natural, and I do that all the time in public, too (okay, maybe a hamburger, not a salad. You caught me). On the other hand, driving a car, wearing clothes, and getting a manicure are not natural, but we do those things in public. Your logic doesn't hold.

"Why do you want your boobs hanging out?"
I don't. But apparently you do in that low-cut top. You can't see much when I breastfeed. Frankly, if you glanced at me while I'm breastfeeding, half the time you probably wouldn't even realize what I'm doing. And even if you did, the most you'd see is my flabby tummy, not my boobs. If that offends you, I sincerely apologize. I haven't had a chance to meet with my personal trainer, dietitian, and plastic surgeon because I'm busy caring for my family.

"I don't mind if you breastfeed in public, but you should cover up when you do."
Oh, thanks for that. I don't mind if you chew with your mouth open in public, but I wish you'd throw a blanket over your head when you do. What, you don't want to eat with a blanket over your head? My mistake. All snark aside, some babies refuse to nurse under a cover. Many babies will pull it aside, kick it, grab it, or swat it away. A cover makes it more difficult to see while you latch the baby on. A cover is hot. A cover slips off. And, frankly, a cover draws MORE attention to what I'm doing than if I just life my shirt slightly, latch baby on, and go on about my business. Plus, it's yet another thing to carry.

"Why don't you go do it in a [private location such as a car or bathroom]?"
Sometimes I do, although usually not the bathroom. But when I've got a half-full shopping cart, or I'm in the middle of a meal at a restaurant, or I'm watching my other children play at the park, it's impractical or impossible to find somewhere else to breastfeed. I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to have to leave my companions. I don't want to feel segregated or left out. And I don't want to pull my other kids away from their play or their meal so that I can go somewhere else to feed their baby brother. That seems quite unfair to them, don't you think? I don't want to abandon my cart in the middle of the grocery aisle. I don't want to interrupt my shopping process. And I really, really don't want to sit in a dingy bathroom to nurse.

"Wait until you get home. The baby won't starve."
He might. And even if he won't, what if I won't be going home for a few more hours? What if home is an hour away? And in the meantime, he'll be screaming and crying, getting more and more upset, becoming distressed. My breasts will be filling with milk with nowhere to go and I'll be in pain. If my baby is struggling to put on weight, or I'm struggling to maintain a full supply of milk, feeding on demand and not delaying feedings is vital. Yes, vital. If it'll be 10 minutes, yes, sometimes I will wait until I get home because we'll both be more comfortable there. But if it's going to be three hours, waiting until I get home is simply not an option. He'll probably need to feed twice more in that time!

Whew, I'm glad to get all of that out of my system!

What other hurtful, unsupportive, or negative comments have you seen when it comes to breastfeeding in public. How would you respond to these common ones I've listed?

Help! My Baby Won't Nurse in Public!

You know how I go on and on about how convenient breastfeeding is, and how you can do it anywhere, and you never have to worry about getting home to feed the baby, or running out of supplies while you're out, or needing to make a special trip to the store for formula or bottles?

Well, all of that is completely true, of course.

Unless you're my baby. Apparently.

Because MY baby refuses - REFUSES - to nurse anywhere but in bed. He WILL NOT NURSE anywhere but lying down in bed with me.

I mean this quite literally.

If he gets hungry while we're out of the house, I'm perfectly fine with sitting down to nurse him wherever we happen to be. After all, I have no problem nursing in public. I don't mind taking a few minutes to nurse him at...a restaurant, a friend's house, the park... But as soon as I get him into the cradle hold, he'll turn away from me and squirm. And if I have the audacity to actually offer the breast, he will scream bloody murder. People must think I'm insane. He screams and cries hysterically, like I'm torturing him! I'm not kidding! I'm not exaggerating! It's ridiculous!

I guess I got myself into this mess. We're at home most of the time, and he can go three or four hours without nursing. This means he's often ready to nap when he's ready to nurse. So I take him to bed and lie down with him to nurse him so that if he falls asleep, I won't have to worry about transferring him to the bed.

But I like nursing in bed!

What's happened is that I end up only ever nursing him in bed at home, which over time has translated to his only wanting to nurse in bed. It became a vicious cycle. He won't nurse when we're out, so I wait until we get home. But since I wait until we get home, he's gotten used to waiting until we get home, even if it's going to be many, many hours. I fear he doesn't even realize it's the breast that matters. He seems to associate eating with being in my bed!

Don't believe me?

On Saturday, he nursed around 8:30 in the morning when he woke up. He then wasn't hungry before we left for various activities out of the house around 10:45, so he didn't nurse before we left. We were then out of the house until 6:30 that evening. He did not nurse once that entire time. Ten hours, we were out, and he wouldn't nurse. I tried several times. I tried at synagogue, before he got frantically hungry. I tried in the car. I tried sitting in a chair outside a Starbucks.

I tried.

I really did.

And each time he got so angry.

I was able to give him little bits of solid foods throughout the day. He ate a bite of fish at lunch, and some rice at dinner. Hardly a meal, though.

When we finally got home, he nursed in bed very happily, and very hungrily.

I've tried offering him expressed milk in a bottle or sippy cup. I've tried lots of different nursing positions. I've tried on chairs and couches, in cradle hold, him sitting on my lap, even lying down on the floor or couch! I've tried in the car in the driver's seat, the passenger's seat, him in his car seat and me standing over him and dangling my boob into his mouth. That used to work.

The car seat feed.

The only thing I haven't tried is cold turkey - not nursing in bed at all. If he gets hungry enough, will he finally nurse elsewhere?

I have a two-week trip coming up where he'll have to nurse in other places. If I can't change his habits before then, I'm hoping this will "reset" him so that he'll re-learn to eat while we're out. It's gotten totally absurd, and it's an untenable situation at this point. He's not old enough to simply forego nursing all day in favor of solids. I don't want him to! I want him to nurse when he's hungry, wherever we happen to be.

I miss being able to do this.

Have you had a problem like this? Did it resolve, or did you fix it somehow? How old was your baby and how did you make the change?

Why Won't My Baby Nurse?

As your baby gets older (over three months old), some aspects of breastfeeding get easier: Your baby learns to latch properly and can do most of the work herself. You get more practiced at arranging yourself and your baby to nurse comfortably. Your nipple pain subsides and any damage heals. Your milk supply balances out so you're not constantly engorged or spraying your baby in the face. Your baby becomes more efficient at extracting milk and can finish a feeding much more quickly. She may be taking in more at a feeding and can go longer between nursing sessions. You've figured out what positions are comfortable for you and your baby. Your confidence improves, and with it your ability to relax while nursing.

And then, suddenly, you're hit with a new set of frustrations!

As babies reach three and four months of age, they start to "wake up" to the world. Their lives are no longer just about sleeping, eating, and pooping. Now they're smiling at faces, staring at interesting patterns and objects, trying to reach out and grab things. They want to sit up and roll over. Life is fascinating, and nursing, while still comforting and necessary, sometimes becomes an interruption to their exploration, rather than their priority. They've also decided what's comfortable for them, which may not always be your first choice.

At this point, you may find that your once-eager nurser has to be convinced to eat, won't eat in certain positions or places, or flat out screams at you when you offer the breast. This can be discouraging and make you feel like you're suddenly doing something wrong, just when you finally had it all figured out.

Take my baby, for instance. On our recent road trip, he decided he didn't want to nurse in the cradle hold sitting down. Oh, no. I had to stand and bounce, or lean over his car seat, or wait until we could curl up in bed at the hotel. The other day, we spent several hours at the Social Security office and he got hungry, but would he nurse happily? Of course not! I had to convince him he was hungry and tired, and he finally fell asleep after being walked and rocked for a while.

I find he nurses best when we're both relaxed and in a calm zone. At home, I usually take him to my bed and lie down with him to nurse. When we're out and about, I try to sit as comfortably as I can so that I can relax. The more rushed or tense I feel about having to nurse him, the less likely he is to simply latch and feed. Often, he will calm down without nursing. When he does, I usually just try to get him to wait until we're in a more convenient place for him to nurse. If he's really not willing to wait, I'll do anything and everything to get him latched and eating, no matter where we are.

I figure that if he gets three or four really good feedings in throughout the day, the snacking or fussy popping-on-and-off that he does the rest of the time is fine. He's still getting enough to eat, even if it's frustrating.

I think the number one rule is to relax. This applies to a lot of things when it comes to breastfeeding. Relax, follow the baby's lead, and don't stress about it. You can't force a baby to nurse, but you can remind him that he's hungry. If he really just doesn't want to latch right now, see if you can find another way to calm him. Sometimes once he's calm, he'll be more content to feed.

Some tricks that work for me when my baby is reluctant, for whatever reason, to nurse:

• Try a different position. If I'm sitting down and using a cradle hold and he's resisting, I'll try standing up and using cross cradle to get him latched. Sometimes I even need to rock or bounce him while he nurses. Alternatively, if I have him in the carrier upright, I'll try taking him out (if possible!).
• Try the other side. Sometimes my baby just doesn't like one side for some reason but will happily latch and nurse on the other side. 
• Have him suck on something else, first. I'll give him a pacifier or a finger to suck for a few minutes. Sometimes this calms him down and reminds him that he's upset because he's hungry. Then he'll take the breast and eat well.
• Let him pop on and off enough times to get letdown. When I'm nursing in public, I don't love it when he's popping on and off because I feel like I'm flashing everyone, but often once he gets letdown, he'll eat happily. If I'm in a place, position, or situation where I can let him do this, I'll go with it.
• Try to calm him and wait until we're somewhere else. Sometimes he just doesn't like the location. I'll rock or bounce him for a bit, or roll him back and forth in the stroller, or drive around for a few minutes. This will calm him enough that he'll fall asleep, or he'll be willing to try again in a new place. For some reason, he seems to like when I dangle my boob into his mouth while he's in the car seat (when the car is PARKED, of course), so if that's an option, I'll do it, when all else fails.

While you shouldn't generally try to delay feeds when your baby is a newborn, once breastfeeding is going well, your baby is growing, and your milk supply is healthy, delaying a feed by 20 or 30 minutes isn't really going to harm anybody. You may be uncomfortable, and your baby may be unhappy, but it's not going to cause any long-term damage, especially if it means that he gets in a good feeding once you have the opportunity. I don't advocate skipping or delaying much more than 30 to 45 minutes, but it's not always up to you! When the baby just won't eat, he just won't eat!

Some other reasons your baby may be refusing to nurse at certain times or in certain places or positions:

• Teething. Yes, babies can start to teeth as early as 3 months, even if teeth don't show up for a couple of months. Sometimes the pressure of sucking can increase teething pain (while other times it offers relief!). Teething pain comes in spurts of a couple of hours, which is why he may refuse at some times and not others. Teething pain may also be felt in the ears, and laying on one side may be more painful than the other side. This is why switching sides may be helpful.
• Ear infection. As with teething pain, the pressure of an ear infection is worse when lying down. If you can nurse with him more upright, that may help. Also, lying on the side that is affected will be more painful than lying on the other side, so, again, nursing on the less painful side may be more effective.
• Stuffy nose. A stuffy nose can make nursing difficult-to-impossible. She can't breathe and eat at the same time if her nose is stuffy. Squirting saline or breastmilk up the nose to help loosen the mucus and then sucking the mucus out (I highly recommend the Nose Frida for this, rather than a bulb syringe) may help. You might also try nursing in a steamy bathroom or run a humidifier to moisten those nasal passages. Keeping baby more upright can make it easier for her to breathe, as well.
• Reflux. The pain of stomach acid coming up into the esophagus may make a baby reluctant to nurse lying down, as well. With reflux, your best bet is to give small, frequent feeds and keep your baby upright or reclined as much as possible.
• Gas. Maybe baby just needs to burp or pass gas, so his little tummy hurts. He feels hungry, but nursing isn't making him feel better. If you can help him move the gas bubbles out, he may settle down and nurse happily.
• Unpleasant association. Did you have an especially strong letdown at some point that may have made your baby choke? Did you eat something unusual that might have bothered his stomach? Is the taste of your milk possibly different because of your period coming, something you ate or drank, or a breast infection? Maybe something upsetting happened while he was nursing that scared or hurt him, and now he associates nursing with that occurrence. Sometimes it takes a few days for your baby to get over a bad association with a particular nursing session. In this case, just keep offering, and especially offer when he's sleepy and/or relaxed. Once he has a good, comforting nursing session again, he should return to the breast more happily.
• Your scent. Are you wearing a perfume you don't usually wear? Have you been around people wearing scents or smoking that your baby may not be used to? Did you change shower gels or laundry detergents? Babies have an excellent sense of smell and are used to your smelling a certain way. They seek out the scent of your milk to help them zero in on the breast. If you've done something to obscure the scent she's used to, she may be agitated or even bothered by the smell. See if changing clothes, washing hands, or changing locations helps.

Please remember, it is not normal for a baby under a year old to "self-wean." There is usually a reason they refuse the breast temporarily. If they're completely refusing to nurse, this is called a nursing strike, and these typically last just a couple of days. Nursing strikes are most common around 4 months and 10 months of age but may occur at any time. Keep offering the breast as often as you can, try some of the thoughts mentioned above, and spend time skin-to-skin in a quiet place with your baby. Babies won't let themselves starve! If you're really concerned, consult with a trained lactation consultant (IBCLC) to make sure there's not something else going on that can be corrected.

Breastfeeding on the Go: Traveling with a Breastfed Baby

We took a 6-day road trip at the end of December with our four boys, ages 7, 5, 2, and 2 months. We traveled from the Bay Area, California, to Las Vegas via Yosemite and Death Valley, then from Vegas on to our old stomping grounds near San Diego, and from there back home to the Bay Area. It was a great trip, and the boys did very well in the car.

Traveling with a breastfed infant has its challenges, but it is completely possible if you take a few things into account when planning your trip. The first thing to remember is, your drive will take longer than Google Maps claims. Sure, it's 10 hours from San Francisco to Las Vegas if you drive straight through and don't hit traffic, but keep in mind that you'll have to stop every few hours to tend to your baby.

The inconvenient thing about traveling with an exclusively breastfed baby is that you can't feed while driving. With older kids, if they get hungry in the car, you can hand back snacks to them to eat and continue moving. With a baby, you have to stop to nurse. On the other hand, the fact that you'll have to stop to nurse means that you also have to stop to get out and stretch your legs, which is highly recommended on long drives anyway.

The best way to handle breastfeeding on a road trip is to try to feed whenever you stop for another reason, so you can minimize your stops. Or, to look at it another way, every time you stop to feed the baby, also go to the bathroom, grab a bite to eat yourself, or fill up the gas tank.

It's important to put the needs of your baby high on your list. Don't try to push the baby to go longer than she normally would just to get in another half-hour of driving (unless you're looking for a safe place to stop, of course!). This can be harmful for your milk supply as well as causing the baby unnecessary distress. Don't rush her to finish a feed or push her to eat more than she can. Remember that, just as it's necessary for you to get out of the car for a bit, it's not good for her to sit in the car seat for many hours in a row. She needs to change positions, look around, and exercise those muscles. She also needs human contact. Sitting backward in the car seat, she doesn't see you or feel your touch. Keep her in mind as you drive!

On the flip side, some babies like being in the car and will sleep more than usual, causing them to eat less often than they would at home. If this happens, you'll need to protect your milk supply. If you can, bring along a manual pump or even just a bottle you can hand-express into and pump either at stops or even while driving (if you're a passenger, of course!). Remember that a baby who eats less during the day may make up for it by wanting to nurse more at night.

Another option to consider is to drive at night. If the view isn't part of the drive, but rather the drive is just a means to get to your destination, consider doing most of your driving early, early in the morning or late at night, when the baby would normally be sleeping anyway. This way, he can sleep in the car, and you don't have to worry so much if he doesn't eat as much on the drive. If you do this, make sure you're well-rested enough to drive safely, of course.

Do NOT nurse while the car is in motion. It can be tempting to sit next to the baby, unbuckle your seat belt, and lean over the car seat to dangle a boob into the baby's mouth while someone else continues to drive. This is dangerous. If you are in a crash or a sudden stop, your body can act as a projectile directly into the baby's face, crushing him.

I tried a few times to feed him out of the car seat and he refused. In a bout of desperation, I tried this awkward position, and he nursed happily. Sometimes babies make no sense! (Note that the car is stopped in a safe place in this picture!)

Get used to and comfortable with nursing in public if you're taking a drive with your baby. You'll find yourself  having to breastfeed at rest stops, vista points, restaurants, and gas stations. I do enjoy nursing in the car (while the car is stopped, of course). I find it's comfortable and relatively private. Allow your baby to take all the time he needs to complete the feeding, and take the time yourself to relax a little and reconnect with your baby.

See my Family Road Trip playlist on my YouTube channel for lots of related videos, and especially see this and this for examples of nursing and pumping on a road trip.

Guest Post: How I Feel About Putting My Wife's Breasts on YouTube

Since we had the new baby, Baby Y, we have started making a lot more videos of my wife breastfeeding. I actually went out and bought an HD camera so we can make high quality videos, as I thought it was great she has something she is so passionate about. Many of those videos feature my wife breasts at different levels of exposure. Some are quite vivid, I know. I take the videos, and I edit many of them. And yes, I do like taking them, as she is, to me, the most amazing thing. I find we have gotten closer since we started doing these together. However, when posting it to YouTube, I go back and forth on my feelings regarding this exposure.

There are days that I am very excited about doing this and about the amount of views that she gets for her videos. And then there are days when I am less excited. Like, when I see comments like, “Can u do one with both tits out”, or, “you have verey nice breasts”. Yes, I know, her breasts are very nice, I love them very much (so, I am also somehow proud “yeah, I get to hit that”). But it is a little frustrating. If you want to be a jerk off (pun intended) go ahead, but do you need to post about it? Be a man, be ashamed of yourself a little, you know, like you are supposed to. When I see those, I wonder if we should continue posting those videos.

But then, there is the other side that, for me, wins in the end. I feel that since we started putting these videos up, I have gotten a lot more comfortable with her breastfeeding anywhere. I used to get a little uneasy when she would breastfeed in a restaurant, or on the couch in a friend's house, especially when the baby pops off and exposes her for a second. I used to get a bit annoyed: why can’t she keep him attached? But now, it seems so natural to me, that I do not mind at all. This means that doing these videos had made breastfeeding more natural, as it should be, for me.

The other day we had friends in our house, and the wife was breastfeeding her toddler, feeling very comfortable as well. I would like to think that our way of seeing breastfeeding helped that. (Please feel free not to correct me if I am wrong!).

And then, there is the view count, and that comment here or there, from an actual mother who liked the video or found the information helpful. Another mother said that this had helped to learn a new technique, or that she realized breastfeeding in a restaurant, or a public place is completely normal and natural. And those are just great, and I hope a higher view count will bring more of those types of comments and help more people find them who are genuinely interested in learning more about breastfeeding.

Now, I am not saying that breasts are not sexy, or not part of sexual life. Trust me, they still very much are, especially now when there is so much of them. But, there is also another part, a part that does not detract from that or change it: the actual intended use of them. And that does not bother me anymore. So, no, I am not comfortable with the idea of those guys watching the videos, and I would be lying to myself if I said it was surprising. But, I am happy that this might help someone, maybe even a guy, see breastfeeding as natural. Hey, maybe at least some of those guys are actually trying to help their wives, right? 

***

Thank you to my husband for sharing these very candid thoughts about our YouTube projects. To see Jessica on Babies videos, visit http://www.youtube.com/jessicaonbabies and browse the dozens of videos already available, then subscribe to stay up-to-date as new videos are posted!

Living My Life on Camera: I'm Not Making Porn

Okay, maybe that title's a little dramatic, but since my YouTube channel is growing and we've started making a lot more videos, I feel like I spend a lot of time with a camera in my face. The feature called "Life Shots," especially, is very much like having my own little reality show. Every situation becomes a video opportunity. The other day, when I was changing the toddler's diaper while simultaneously nursing the baby in the Moby wrap, all in a public restroom in a medical building because my 5-year-old had to pee, I found myself thinking what a great video that would have made and lamenting that my cameraman - my husband, who also produces and does most of the editing - was not there to record it.

It's not that I think my life is so unique or noteworthy, but enough people comment about how I "must have [my] hands full," or that my boys "keep [me] busy," or wonder "how [I] do it," I figured having four boys 7 and under is interesting to a lot of people. I also like the idea of documenting a normal life. I don't have any special secret. I'm not very organized. I'm certainly no "supermom," whatever that's supposed to mean. But I think I mostly have things under control, and I enjoy life with four boys, and I don't mind sharing that with the world.

Exposing myself (sometimes literally) and our life to the camera is a way of saying, "This is what a normal family looks like." It helps other people in normal families realize that they're normal. It makes people who have it more together than I do feel good, and it gives inspiration to people who aren't sure if they could manage.

I also enjoy using the platform to normalize breastfeeding, cosleeping, and other aspects of baby care that still aren't as mainstream as they could be. It's an opportunity for education about breastfeeding and birth, and a way of showing that I'm just a regular person who does mostly practice what I preach. Babywearing, breastfeeding, these are not out of reach for most people, and they are extremely valuable, especially when you have multiple children.

It's become a little scary, being so exposed (again, sometimes literally). At first, I wasn't sure about making videos that exposed my breasts. Though I'm not squeamish about breastfeeding in public, I'm also not likely to go around flashing people for fun. Because breasts are so sexualized, I knew that I was opening myself up to attention I wasn't looking for by making videos about expressing milk, obtaining a good latch, and so forth, that couldn't help but show quite a lot of skin and nipple. Indeed, I got a penis picture in my message inbox, for the first time yesterday. Lovely. While I know that there are men watching my videos for purposes other than learning about breastfeeding, the fact that those videos have lots of views means that women (and men) who are looking for breastfeeding and pumping help will find my videos. That's the power and magic of social media. More views means more potential viewers. And, I have gotten a few genuine comments from women thanking me for the information, so I know the videos are being watched for their intended purpose as well. And I'm not sorry that I get to generate ad income from men watching for other reasons. That's money that will help me make more videos that can help more people with their breastfeeding and other baby care questions.

I still haven't quite gotten past the idea that men other than my husband are enjoying my breasts. The fact that they are anonymous helps. The fact that some percentage of my video views are from women looking for breastfeeding assistance helps, too. And I can't help what other people do with my image once it's out there. It's the internet, and I'm not naive. My husband is very aware of the potential, of course. He's the one who films the videos, after all. He's in the same frame of mind, that we'll take the views and the ad revenue regardless of the motivation, and we're glad that at least some of the people watching are learning something.

The bottom line, for me, is that the only way to normalize breastfeeding is to show breastfeeding. And since I'm in a position, as a breastfeeding counselor with a new baby of my own, to make instructional videos about breastfeeding using an actual newborn baby, a woman's actual postpartum breasts, and her actual breastmilk, it only made sense to seize the moment and just do it. Showing a real woman breastfeeding a real baby under real circumstances makes breastfeeding attainable, normal, and tangible. My videos let other women see me struggle to latch my baby, fumble with my wrap, and occasionally get confused. They let me expose the learning process of breastfeeding, to show that it's not always easy but that it's doable, to show that it's convenient, to show how it works when you have multiple children. To me, that benefit far outweighs the ickiness that comes with knowing what else my videos might be used for.

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Video: Breastfeeding in Public

My latest YouTube video is live. We're talking about nursing in public, which I've touched on here on the blog before. What are your thoughts on breastfeeding in a public place? Appropriate? Inappropriate? With or without a cover? Whenever and wherever? Has your opinion changed over time? Do you nurse in public? Why or why not?




Check out the video, and subscribe to the Jessica On Babies YouTube channel!

(You can ask a question for an Ask-Me Monday video by liking "Jessica on Babies" on Facebook and send a private message or comment on an Ask-Me Monday thread.

So, Which is Easier, Breast-Feeding or Formula-Feeding?

All right! Now that vacations out of the way and I can get back to a more regular blogging schedule, let's talk about that breastfeeding survey! I asked you to fill out a short, 10-question survey about your own exposure to infant feeding and your feelings about which is easier. I was actually fairly surprised by the results, and I think you might be as well.

I received 26 responses, not including my own. If you'd like to respond and haven't yet, I'll leave the survey up for a little while longer. I can revisit it in a few months and see if a greater number of responses alters or reinforces my conclusions.

The first two questions asked whether, in your experience or observation, breastfeeding and formula feeding are "very difficult, difficult, manageable, or easy." The majority of you answered, for both questions, "manageable," which was surprising to me. The second most popular answer for both questions was "easy." Overall, it seems infant feeding in general, be it by breast or bottle, is not considered a great challenge. Many responders felt the need to clarify or justify their responses by adding comments that different variables may affect their feelings, such as whether they work outside the home (making breastfeeding more difficult), or by stating that even if they thought breastfeeding was difficult, it's still worth doing. Two responders who felt formula feeding was difficult commented that it was because of all the bottle-washing.

And what do I think? I think formula feeding is very easy, if you have a baby who tolerates regular formula. I also think breastfeeding is easy, but there is a greater learning curve. I also think breastfeeding is not easy for everyone, for various reasons ranging from a physical problem with creating enough milk, to emotional difficulties, to a baby with physical or medical problems. All-in-all, having done both, I am going to come out and admit that formula feeding is easier in many ways but that I prefer breastfeeding on the whole.

The third question asked if you know how to properly prepare formula. I asked this because I think most people think they know how, but they may not be aware of the official guidelines to prevent bacterial contamination. The majority of you say that you do know how to prepare a bottle of formula properly. Certainly, preparing a bottle is not rocket science, but I was curious to see how confident we all were about our bottle-preparing skills. For the record, I knew the basics (how to measure, how to sterilize/sanitize bottles and nipples, how to warm the bottle). Some health authorities recommend boiling the water prior to use and not allowing it to cool below 70 degrees Celsius before mixing it with the formula powder. It is important to note that powdered formula is not sterile and is not safe for use with very young babies or babies with immune system compromise. Ready-to-use formula is sterile (but also considerably more expensive).

To contrast this, I then asked whether you know what a proper latch should look like when breastfeeding. Most of you say you do know, which is encouraging. The important thing to remember about your baby's latch is that it should feel right. However, if you're looking from the outside, your baby's lips should be flared outwards. The nipple should fall far back in the baby's mouth, so that a good section of the areola is in the baby's mouth as well. Many lactation consultants will advise you to try for an "asymmetrical" latch, meaning that the baby's lower jaw is closer to your chest than his upper jaw. The baby's chin should not be tucked into his chest, and his ear, shoulder, and hips should be in a straight line - his body should not be twisted, and he should not have to turn his head or strain to reach the nipple.

It really got interesting after this. The next four questions asked you specifically about your exposure to formula and breastfeeding aside from your own baby (if you have one). While most of you had often seen babies being fed from bottles, only about a quarter of you had seen babies breastfeeding on a regular basis. Several of you had seen bottles being prepared, and a third of you had prepared bottles for other people's babies. I was not surprised to find that there was far more exposure to bottle feeding than breastfeeding. Certainly the bottle is a pervasive symbol of babies and baby care in the Western world, especially the United States.

Finally, I asked you to decide which is easier, breastfeeding or formula feeding. The majority of you said breastfeeding is easier. Many who said that formula feeding is easier felt the need, again, to modify their responses by adding a comment that they still believe breastfeeding is better, even if formula feeding is easier.

What's interesting to me is that there was a definite reluctance to classify breastfeeding as difficult. I assume most of the respondents are breastfeeding advocates, experienced breastfeeding mothers (or their partners), or favor breastfeeding over formula feeding with their own children. If we say that breastfeeding is not easy, we may increase reluctance in giving it a try, especially among those who are specifically wondering which is really easier. Those who said formula feeding is difficult generally mentioned bottle-washing as a major turn-off. Those who wanted to comment as to what they found difficult about breastfeeding tended to allude to the difficulties associated with pumping and being "tied" to your baby.

I think this reveals a few basic issues in the "breastfeeding versus formula feeding wars." (By the way, the majority of you were not aware of this issue before becoming pregnant with your own baby.) The first is that there is still not enough general exposure to breastfeeding in everyday life. We need to see more breastfeeding in public, on TV, within our own families. Because of the strong formula/bottle-feeding culture in the United States and other Western countries, many children grow up never seeing a baby breastfeeding. Reinforcing this is baby dolls with bottles, the bottle as a symbol of "baby" in baby shower decorations, congratulatory greeting cards, baby birth announcements, and so on.

The second is that there is a perception that in deciding which feeding method to use, it matters which is "easier." I've written a couple of posts on this topic (for example, here and here). Many aspects of child-rearing are neither easy nor fun, while others are incredibly rewarding. What's important is not whether one is "easier" than the other, but which one is more beneficial to mother and child.

So is breastfeeding easier than formula feeding? In all honesty, no. It isn't. But both have their challenges, and the question is whether breastfeeding is overall more beneficial to mother and baby than formula feeding. And to that, I can say unequivocally, YES, it is.

Kids Need to See Women Breastfeeding

The other day, we were at a community barbecue at the Rabbi's house. I wandered into the living room of the house, where several of my friends were sitting around and chatting. One friend said she was sorry, but she thinks she made a faux pas. I couldn't imagine what she could have done. She explained that NJ had come in while one of the other mothers was preparing a bottle of formula for her daughter. (Not that she needs an excuse for this, but her daughter is 2.5, autistic, and has feeding issues, so she takes a bottle of formula to supplement her food intake.) He said something along the lines of, "I didn't have that when I was a baby!", to which my friend replied that he had. He argued, and she wasn't going to push the issue, so she just said, "Okay."

I shrugged and said, "No big deal. He doesn't know that he was formula fed." It's not that it's a big secret or anything. It just hasn't come up as a topic of conversation. He watches me nurse GI, and I think he has a vague awareness of my having nursed SB, and he's seen several of my friends nurse their babies, and he has always just assumed that (a) that's how you feed a baby, and (b) that's how he was fed. I call him my little five-year-old lactation consultant because he's very interested in breastfeeding and knows that it's the best choice for a baby. I haven't made a big deal of it, just exposed him to it by feeding his brothers. It has imprinted as "normal" on his brain, and I hope he carries that image with him into fatherhood so that he can be an awesomely supportive husband when his wife (G-d willing) has a baby (G-d willing).

I told my friend not to worry about it and that, if he asked me, I would talk to him about it. Apparently the whole episode didn't make much of an impression on him, because he hasn't mentioned it. It does make me wonder if I should sit him down and have "a talk" about it with him, but I mostly feel that it just isn't that important. At some point, it will come up in conversation, or he'll ask, and I'll explain that when he was born, Mommy wasn't as well-informed as she is now, and she was also very sick, and it was very hard for her to nurse him, so he got bottles of formula instead because he had to eat something. I'll tell him that we don't need to judge other mothers for how they feed their babies. (I wouldn't want to deal with the embarrassment of having him say something rude to a mother giving her baby a bottle! And he's the type who would say something, too, if it occurred to him.). I'll just say that some mothers decide to feed their babies formula from a bottle instead of nursing them for whatever reason, and that's their choice to make.

I'm glad that my sons are growing up exposed to women nursing. I think the image of a baby drinking from a bottle is so ingrained in our society that many girls (and boys) grow up thinking that's the only way to feed a baby. I know that when I had NJ, I didn't even really know what breastfeeding should "look like," or how it worked. I didn't know much about bottles, either, granted, but I think if I had grown up with more exposure to breastfeeding women, the idea of breastfeeding might have come more naturally to me. I didn't wrestle with the decision to breastfeed - I had intended to, before the circumstances of NJ's birth led me down a different path - but I didn't educate myself, and that was the mistake.

I think growing up knowing that babies are fed from the breast will serve more than one purpose. First, it will make breastfeeding normal, and that means that when they have their own babies, these children will think first of breastfeeding rather than bottles. Second, they will know how breastfeeding looks. How to hold the baby will come more naturally, because they'll have seen it live. They'll know how it should sound, and what the baby needs to be doing. They might even have talked to someone about how it feels or what problems she might have had. Certainly, they or their wives will need help and support from friends and relatives and medical providers and society as a whole in order to start and maintain a successful breastfeeding relationship, but they'll be motivated to breastfeed and motivated to seek out such support, knowing that their breasts were designed to feed their babies.

Growing up seeing breastfeeding as a regular and normal thing will also decrease the "breastfeeding in public" debate. If breastfeeding is just another thing you see every day, then it is no longer sensational or controversial, so there will be no need for debate. Feeding a baby is feeding a baby. It's not sexual or indecent or offensive. And if a baby suckling from a breast is as ordinary a sight as a child eating french fries, women will feel more confident in starting and continuing to breastfeed because it won't seem weird or unusual or "out there" or uncomfortable.

So, to my little five-year-old lactation consultant, my son who is so concerned for the welfare of babies, thank you for already being so supportive of breastfeeding. Thank you for showing that a child can process the idea of breastfeeding as normal, take it in stride, and establish a vision of baby feeding that will encourage him to champion breastfeeding for his own babies one day. Kids are not offended or put off by breastfeeding. It's kids who will become the next generation of breastfeeding supporters because they have been exposed to it as children and don't find it exceptional at all. And that's what we want.

And, if my son asks me how he was fed as a baby, he will also get to learn that sometimes we do need to use formula, and we don't think less of a mother just because she isn't breastfeeding. Maybe the next generation of "Mommy wars" won't include a breastmilk-versus-formula category at all.

More On Babywearing Among Other Things

Since my last post on "babywearing," I have been "wearing" my baby more and more. I've found that in the last month or so, GI has become much more comfortable in the mei tai, and thus, I have become more comfortable using it. I seem to remember the same thing happening with SB around this age. Perhaps the mei tai is better for babies about five months and up, and not so good for newborns. Now that GI sits well and can support his upper body, he seems to enjoy looking around and will happily go to sleep against my chest (without nursing!) when he's tired.

I use the mei tai a lot when I take the other two kids to the park. This way, I can be mobile and have free hands and not worry that I'm leaving the baby alone in his stroller while I tend to one of his brothers. The only problem is that I can't really lift the boys easily, especially my 60-pound five-year-old, so if they need help climbing up or down or getting on a swing, I feel fairly useless. Most of the time, another sweet mother or grandmother around sees that I need help and comes to my (and my kid's) rescue, but I feel kind of silly letting someone else haul my big boys around.

I've also been using it more when I shop, so that the three-year-old, with his little legs, can sit in the cart. However, I went to Trader Joe's the other day and put GI in the cart for the first time. He managed, although he wasn't totally steady. For a longer shopping trip, I think I still need to be holding him, and also I think SB still needs to ride in the cart sometimes. This kid-juggling thing gets tricky!

GI does love sitting in high chairs at restaurants, now. He seems to really enjoy being part of the table, even though he isn't eating with us yet. He grabs at and plays with anything in reach, and he giggles and screeches with joy watching his brothers eat. (Stay tuned for a "starting solids" post sometime in the next few weeks. GI will be six months on Monday! Can you believe it?)

I took the boys to the zoo yesterday afternoon and alternated between having GI in the mei tai and SB in the stroller (or pushing an empty stroller), and having GI in the stroller occasionally. I tried to nurse him a few times in the mei tai, but the zoo was too exciting and he wouldn't stay latched. While I'm not squeamish about nursing in public, I'm also not exactly blase about flashing random guys in the zoo who might happen to walk past me and see my boob hanging out. Another woman had sat down on a bench to nurse her baby, and I sat down on a bench next to her, took GI out of the mei tai, and finally convinced him to nurse well. She had been wearing her baby in a Moby wrap, and there was another lady there with a baby in an Ergo, so I felt like I was in very good company. In fact, the lady with the Ergo helped SB climb down out of a helicopter he had climbed up to explore. He wanted my help getting down, and when the woman saw that I was busy, she helped him down. So sweet.

By the end of the three-ish hours we were at the zoo, though, I was exhausted. Whew. Carrying that baby while traipsing up and down the hills at the zoo is tiring. My legs and back were aching. And yet, I know the only other way to have managed was with my double stroller, and I know that GI would not have wanted to stay in the stroller the whole time anyway, so instead of wearing him, I'd have been carrying him in arms, and that would have been even harder!

I also wear him a lot when I'm not at home but he might need to nap. He'll easily go to sleep in it, and since I would have nowhere to put him down, he can be "held" while sleeping and I'm still mobile and have my hands free. I think this is the single best argument for babywearing there is! Still, I don't usually wear him around the house, as I find it more cumbersome than helpful. But at other people's houses? Oh yes!

***

Enough on that, though. There's some important business to discuss. My blog is turning ONE on Saturday, March 3. My first post was March 3, 2011. I was thinking about doing a giveaway in the month of March to celebrate this milestone, but I need participation to make it work. So here's the deal. I will give away a copy of my Kindle e-book, The "Yes, It's Normal!" Guide to Breastfeeding, to one lucky winner, who can choose to keep it for him/herself or to give it to a friend. The only thing I would need is the email address of the intended recipient.

Remember that you don't have to own a Kindle device to read Kindle books. Amazon offers a free Kindle app for all smartphones, iPod, iPad, and PC.

Please leave me a comment here on this blog post within the next few days if you are interested in winning a copy of my book (or if you know someone you'd like to give it to), and share my blog with your friends and ask them to comment if they're interested. If I feel there's enough interest, I'll officially announce the giveaway in a few days and give instructions on how to enter.

Nursing In Random Places

When many of us breastfeeding advocates talk about breastfeeding, one of the benefits we tout is that it can be done anywhere, any time. You don't have to take time to mix a bottle, or worry about running out of it, or warming it up to the right temperature, or properly sterilizing anything, or finding a way to wash a bottle, or anything like that. You can breastfeed wherever you are, in a car (stopped, of course), in a restaurant, at the mall, at the zoo, at an amusement park, at the doctor's office, at an older child's sports event or concert, with very little in the way of preparation. Indeed, a confident breastfeeding mother can even breastfeed on the move! When I was pregnant with GI, I saw a woman in Kohl's (department store) striding down an aisle with a blanket draped loosely over one shoulder, a baby held to the breast with one arm while she continued her shopping. I was mightily impressed, as I had never managed such a feat with SB. I vowed to learn to do it with GI. When he was very small, I did manage to do it once or twice while shopping, but I find it fairly uncomfortable and prefer to take a few extra minutes to find a place to sit!

The thing is, although I am willing to nurse wherever, whenever, it's not always so simple. GI doesn't seem to like to nurse when we're out and about! Honestly, it's not that I so enjoy nursing in public that I'd seek out opportunities to do so, but I don't mind doing it if necessary. I'll plop down wherever I am, though I certainly prefer a comfy chair, and hook him right up. I don't bother with a cover of any kind, as I find that makes me more conspicuous and makes it more difficult to get GI comfortably latched. Anyway, he's kind of wiggly, so a cover wouldn't stay on for long. As it happens, I rarely convince GI to nurse effectively when not in a comfy chair or lying down in bed, or at least in a quiet place, and he seems willing to wait until we get home to have a long, satisfying feed anyway, so I don't stress about it too much.

And that brings me to these past couple of weeks. We took a spontaneous family trip to Las Vegas. It was our first family vacation, and the older two boys had a blast. GI was fairly oblivious to the significance but was very good in the car, only fussing a bit, sleeping most of the time, and otherwise allowing NJ to entertain him with singing, amuse him with funny faces, or calm him with pacifier. (By the way, NJ earned full big brother points on that drive!) But, I got to nurse GI in all sorts of random places. I nursed him in a casino, in restaurants, at the Adventuredome (indoor amusement park at Circus Circus), and in the Excalibur's arcade. Most of the time, people didn't even notice what I was doing, or I got an encouraging wink, or, best of all, the waitress at a restaurant in the Red Rock casino noticed what I was doing, commented that now she understood why I had drunk all my water so fast, and said she'd be sure to keep my water glass filled! So sweet. The least comfortable nursing situation I found myself in was trying to nurse standing up at the Excalibur arcade because I couldn't find a convenient chair. GI didn't like it too much, either.

But, by far the most random place I have now nursed this baby is at Hellhole Canyon in the Anza Borrego Desert State Park. We took another spontaneous drive this past Monday. We thought to end up in Julian, a lovely mountain town known for its apples and apple pie. But when we stopped for lunch, the waitress told us about some neat stuff to see in the town of Borrego Springs, down in the desert below the mountains. We stopped at Hellhole Canyon on the way down, where there was a map of some hiking trails. One of the trails was a very short (.3 miles), easy hike, so we decided to try it. I put GI in my carrier of choice, my trusty mei tai, and started off. He got hungry, and I happened to have dressed in a way that made feeding him on the go easy: A loose tanktop under a short-sleeved shirt. I pulled the t-shirt up, popped my breast out over the top of the tank top, and pointed GI's mouth in the right direction. He latched right on and nursed for most of the hike (all of 20 minutes). So, this kid, who won't nurse nicely sitting in a chair at a restaurant, on a bench at an amusement park, or in the fitting room of a department store, this kid who will wait until we get home so we can both stretch out on the bed and nurse in a relaxed position rather than just about anywhere else, this kid nursed for 20 minutes quite contentedly while I hiked in the desert! Go figure. (It's winter, so it wasn't absurdly hot - maybe 80 degrees. I don't think I'd have attempted that in the summer!)

Here's a picture!

Now, be honest, if I hadn't told you what I was doing in this picture, would you have known?

I also nursed him in the car at a random scenic overlook.

I made my husband take these pictures so that I could write this post and have photographic evidence.

I have to say, I've never encountered any negativity towards my nursing wherever I happen to be. I know other women have been harassed, asked to move, given the evil eye, or put down for their decision to nurse their baby when the baby was hungry. I have never had such an experience, and I'm glad of it. It shouldn't be that way. Feeding a baby is feeding a baby, and wouldn't we all rather see a happily nursing baby than one screaming in hunger?

I especially like nursing around younger girls and women. I feel like if those girls grow up thinking of breastfeeding as the normal way to feed a baby, they'll be more likely to choose to breastfeed. I only remember seeing someone breastfeed twice as a girl. I remember my aunt nursing her youngest daughter when the baby was about 10 months old and I was about eight years old. I also remember someone at my synagogue nursing her baby while I was in the room. I think I was about 10 years old then. I think if I had been more exposed to women breastfeeding, the idea would not have seemed so abstract to me when I had my first baby. Thus, I hope that by being available to answer questions and being visible when I'm nursing will help normalize the image for younger women who will then think of breastfeeding first when they're ready to have their own babies.

Really, most of the time when I nurse in public, it's not about a statement or education or information or to make a spectacle of myself. I just want to feed my baby when he's hungry. And so I do.