I've been enjoying the TimeHop app on my phone. It's fun to see old Facebook posts about things my kids said, or pictures of them, or other random happenings, or information I came across and wanted to share.
What has struck me, though, is just how many of those posts are about sleep, and how I wish I could get more of it.
Since I've been on Facebook for about seven years, give or take, some of these posts go back pretty far, at least to S's infancy. And almost daily, one of the posts from one of the years going back to when S was a baby has said something along the lines of, "I hope [whichever baby] lets me sleep tonight," or "WHY is [baby] not asleep yet?" or "I need more coffee," or "[Baby] actually slept through the night last night!"
And I'm still feeling that way, with Y approaching 19 months. Sleep is such a feature when it comes to babies and toddlers, it's such a central theme. I've had a baby or a toddler in my life nonstop for 8-1/2 years now, and in all that time, I've had just a few months here and there in which everybody in the house was sleeping through the night. This is not an exaggeration. It's simple truth. My Facebook history is witness to that.
Sleep is such an issue that there is a whole growing industry of "sleep consultants" who will meet with you in person or virtually, assess your baby's sleep habits and environment, and give you a personalized plan to get your baby sleeping through the night. A consultation and plan, with follow up, can run in the hundreds of dollars, and I imagine many parents feel it is money well spent. I feel like I know enough about infant sleep that if I had the will and the strength, I could do all this myself and have my kids sleeping through the night. But since I don't have that willpower, I don't think I could bring myself to follow someone else's plan, either. I'm not saying you shouldn't use a sleep consultant if you think it will help. I'm just saying I don't think it's the answer for my family.
The problem is that there is such a wide range of advice and rhetoric around infant and toddler sleep. At one end of the spectrum are those who say that by three to four months of age, you should put your baby in a crib in a dark room at a set bedtime, shut the door, and walk away, and don't return until the time he is "allowed" to wake up. No amount of crying from him should sway you to comfort him or in any way appear to be giving in to him. Because, they say, babies need to learn to sleep on their own, and if they don't learn it young, it will be harder and harder to learn it as they get older!
At the other end of the spectrum are those who say that a baby needs what she needs, and you should respond every time she asks for you. Indeed, if she needs to sleep in bed with you and suckle at your breast all night, then that's what you should do so that she feels safe and protected and secure, and so she knows that you will always be there for her. Some kids will need to sleep with you until they're five or six, but most will ask for their own bed at some point. After all, they say, in other cultures, the whole family sleeps together in one big bed anyway, so why do we in the West think it's wrong?
With this kind of contradictory advice about what you "should" be doing for your baby, and what your baby "should" be doing, what is a new parent to believe? Who's right?
I think both are right. And neither. I think parents and baby have a right to a good night's sleep, have a right to their needs being met, and have a right to negotiate the best possible sleep for everybody. I adamantly disagree that if you don't "teach" a baby to sleep through the night when he's six months old, then he'll be waking at night for years. I also adamantly disagree that if parents are simply uncomfortable allowing a baby or toddler to sleep in their bed, they should do it anyway for the best interests of their child.
How you go about finding this middle ground will vary depending on your personality and parenting style. I'm a hands-off type, and after four kids, I've learned that eventually you hit a wall and have to make a change, and usually at that point it's easier than you expected it to be to make that change. I'm also lazy about enforcing a schedule or pattern, and I am pulled in too many directions at night to focus so strongly on just one of the kids. Usually I get a sense of what I need to do, then find a way to work up to it, and then suddenly implement the new rule, which takes a few nights or weeks to stick. I tend to take things in stages. First, put him in his own bed (as opposed to mine). Next, wean him from needing to nurse at night (in the hope that if he doesn't have that to wake up for, he won't bother waking up). Finally, if he is still waking for comfort even if he's not nursing, help him learn self-soothing techniques so he can put himself back to sleep instead of calling for me. This was the general process I did with G starting at about 15 months, and it took about eight months until he was totally falling asleep on his own, in his own bed, and sleeping through until morning without waking me.
I have the benefit of knowing that they do eventually sleep through the night. My 8 and 6-year-olds take their own bath or shower, get themselves in PJs, and read to themselves in bed, then put themselves to sleep and sleep through until morning (barring illness, bathroom, or nightmares, of course). Neither was always that way, and indeed both woke me many, many, many times at night until I finally decided to attempt a change. Change is slow but inexorable, and eventually you realize, hey, it's been a while since I needed to tend to him at night!
I'll be starting the next stage of this process with Y soon. He's already sleeping in his own bed, but, unfortunately, I usually end up sleeping there with him most nights. He also nurses several times a night and nurses to sleep for naps and bedtime as well. My next project will be to night-wean him, so that he no longer needs or asks to nurse at bedtime or throughout the night. I hope that he will simply start sleeping through the night at that point, but, judging from my experience with G, I will probably have to tend to night-wakings for a few more months, and possibly do some light sleep training, before everyone in the house goes to bed, goes to sleep, and sleeps through until morning.
What a luxurious time that will be!
Maybe a few years from now, when I look at my TimeHop or my Facebook history, I won't be inundated with complaints about my babies' sleep. Instead, I'll be relatively well-rested, alert, and able to focus more of my energies on living life, instead of craving sleep.
I wish you all good nights and good sleep.
If you have any questions about infant sleep, I've written on this subject many times. Check out the sleep tag for lots of stories and information.
I'm a breastfeeding counselor with a side hobby in educating parents and caregivers in proper car seat use. I have four sons, one born by c-section and three born by VBAC. I blog about my life with four kids, pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding, and car seats.
Showing posts with label night-weaning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label night-weaning. Show all posts
Monday, May 18, 2015
Monday, April 14, 2014
Yes, I'm "Still" Breastfeeding My Toddler
My third son, G, is now 31 months (that's 2 years and 7 months for those less month-county than I am). I had originally thought I would nurse him until he was two, as I had his older brother. However, during my fourth pregnancy, my milk dried up for the most part, several months before G turned two. I allowed him to continue to comfort-nurse and drink any colostrum he could extract, but I knew he wasn't getting all the benefits of breastmilk I had hoped to keep providing.
After Baby Y was born, when G was around 25 months, my breasts sprang back to life, overflowing with milk once again. I hadn't planned to "tandem nurse" - breastfeed more than one child at a time - but it sort of just happened that way. I hadn't stopped G from comfort nursing, and when he was actually getting milk again, he loved nursing even more.
In the early days, when Y was very little and needed to nurse often, I tried a few times to nurse the baby and G simultaneously. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me, but it was also the easiest way to please both of them.
Now, though, five months on, I don't try to nurse them simultaneously anymore. I leave the baby somewhere safe and happy, and I take G to his bed or mine. I find I don't mind nursing G by himself once in a while. It's a wholly different experience from nursing the baby. G only nurses once a day, at naptime, and not even every day. It's so easy to get him to lie down in bed and try to take a nap if I offer to let him nurse! It's incredibly cute how excited he gets when I agree to nurse him. He races down the hallway exclaiming, "I gonna nurse! You gonna nurse me! I gonna nurse! I gonna nurse in my bed!"
I've asked him what the milk tastes like, but all I get in response is "milk." Which is hard to argue with.
For those who are concerned about having enough milk for a toddler and a baby, you can absolutely nurse two children. Remember that your body makes milk based on the demand, so if you have a toddler and a newborn both demanding milk, your breasts will produce enough milk for both. See my series on nursing through pregnancy for more information about tandem-nursing a toddler and a newborn. My milk supply this time around is copious, partly because of my daily pumping in the first few weeks postpartum and partly because I nurse my toddler several times a week in addition to the baby's exclusive breastfeeding.
I never set out to be nursing a 2-1/2-year-old. I didn't have a specific plan for how or when to wean him completely. When his baby brother was born relatively close to his second birthday, I didn't think it was fair to G for Y to usurp his place at the breast at the same time he usurped his place as "the baby." We had long since night-weaned, so I didn't have the stress of trying to nurse two kids through the night. That might have affected how I felt about continuing to nurse him. Now, I would rather just nurse him once every couple of days than to deal with the tantrum and tears when I refuse. I'm sure if I refused enough times in a row, he would stop asking, but I don't see a reason to put us both through that stress right now.
I think when we talk about nursing an older toddler, one who speaks in complete sentences and has a mouthful of teeth and eats plenty of healthy foods and drinks water and juice and other milks, it's hard for people who haven't been there to understand that we're not just walking down the street, picking up a random toddler, and nursing him. We don't start out nursing a toddler. In fact, many women don't plan to nurse a toddler. Some mothers can barely look beyond the next day or the next week when they begin nursing their newborns. The progression from newborn to infant to toddler is so gradual that it seems natural once we're doing it. There's no switch that flips at one year or two years or 27 months or 33 months or September 4th or July 17th when it is suddenly no longer appropriate, necessary, or reasonable to be nursing a child. Most children will gradually wean on their own between two and four years of age, too busy with life to stop to nurse. But those children who continue to ask for it obviously still have a deep-seated need for the closeness of Mom, the sweetness of milk, the comfort of suckling, their first memories of shelter from the big, bad, scary world.
I think there's also a perception that when we say we're "still" nursing our two-year-old, or 27-month-old, or 34-month-old, that we mean we are nursing him like we would an infant, that he's coming to us six or eight or 12 times a day to feed, but it's not so. Most older toddlers nurse maybe once or twice a day, perhaps to help them fall asleep, or to go back to sleep at a night-waking. They may nurse more when they're sick, and it is a wonderful gift to give your sick child, the warm, disease-fighting, easy-to-digest milk tailored to his needs. But it's not the same as a newborn nursing for his sole source of nutrition, or an infant who only supplements his milk diet with solid foods.
How old is too old to still be nursing? Some would say once a baby has teeth, he should stop breastfeeding. Some say when the baby can ask for it, she should be weaned. Some say once he can ask for it in a complete sentence, he's too old. I think there's no rule. A child is too old to nurse when his own mother decides she is no longer happy or comfortable nursing him. A child is too old to nurse when he decides he doesn't need it anymore.
There was a wonderful research article written by anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler almost 20 years ago in which she set out to determine when a human child would naturally wean absent social constructs and societal pressure. Using several different methods based on other primates' weaning ages, she concluded that humans would naturally wean between 2.5 and 7 years of age, probably closer to the 4-6-year range. This is when the first permanent teeth start to come in (six-year-old molars erupt and baby teeth start falling out). She also examined other factors such as weight, length of gestation, and immune system development. All methods agree on that range.
I did not expect to continue to nurse G this long, but now I understand how it happens. You just... don't wean. Allowing a child to decide when he is finished nursing is called "child-led weaning" and is the most gentle and biologically normal way to slowly back away from breastfeeding. I don't think it will be long before I'm back to nursing just one baby. Often, G pops off and says he's done without falling asleep and without prompting. Many times, he tells me that "it's the baby's turn now" and sends me on my way. Interspersed are the days when he peacefully drifts off to sleep, one hand holding his blanket-lovey, the other resting gently on my breast. On those days, I unlatch him carefully (mindful of that mouthful of teeth), with a finger between his molars. Sometimes, he wakes up and runs off. Other times, he smacks his lips and re-settles, then sleeps for an hour or two on his own.
Will I still be nursing him when he's three? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't have a plan for when he has to stop breastfeeding. I'm sure he doesn't either. But the day will come, probably sooner than later, when Y gets all the milk to himself, and then some day, a few years down the line, my milk will dry up for good and I'll be done nursing forever. I see no reason to rush toward that day, and neither do my babies.
After Baby Y was born, when G was around 25 months, my breasts sprang back to life, overflowing with milk once again. I hadn't planned to "tandem nurse" - breastfeed more than one child at a time - but it sort of just happened that way. I hadn't stopped G from comfort nursing, and when he was actually getting milk again, he loved nursing even more.
In the early days, when Y was very little and needed to nurse often, I tried a few times to nurse the baby and G simultaneously. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me, but it was also the easiest way to please both of them.
Now, though, five months on, I don't try to nurse them simultaneously anymore. I leave the baby somewhere safe and happy, and I take G to his bed or mine. I find I don't mind nursing G by himself once in a while. It's a wholly different experience from nursing the baby. G only nurses once a day, at naptime, and not even every day. It's so easy to get him to lie down in bed and try to take a nap if I offer to let him nurse! It's incredibly cute how excited he gets when I agree to nurse him. He races down the hallway exclaiming, "I gonna nurse! You gonna nurse me! I gonna nurse! I gonna nurse in my bed!"
I've asked him what the milk tastes like, but all I get in response is "milk." Which is hard to argue with.
For those who are concerned about having enough milk for a toddler and a baby, you can absolutely nurse two children. Remember that your body makes milk based on the demand, so if you have a toddler and a newborn both demanding milk, your breasts will produce enough milk for both. See my series on nursing through pregnancy for more information about tandem-nursing a toddler and a newborn. My milk supply this time around is copious, partly because of my daily pumping in the first few weeks postpartum and partly because I nurse my toddler several times a week in addition to the baby's exclusive breastfeeding.
I never set out to be nursing a 2-1/2-year-old. I didn't have a specific plan for how or when to wean him completely. When his baby brother was born relatively close to his second birthday, I didn't think it was fair to G for Y to usurp his place at the breast at the same time he usurped his place as "the baby." We had long since night-weaned, so I didn't have the stress of trying to nurse two kids through the night. That might have affected how I felt about continuing to nurse him. Now, I would rather just nurse him once every couple of days than to deal with the tantrum and tears when I refuse. I'm sure if I refused enough times in a row, he would stop asking, but I don't see a reason to put us both through that stress right now.
I think when we talk about nursing an older toddler, one who speaks in complete sentences and has a mouthful of teeth and eats plenty of healthy foods and drinks water and juice and other milks, it's hard for people who haven't been there to understand that we're not just walking down the street, picking up a random toddler, and nursing him. We don't start out nursing a toddler. In fact, many women don't plan to nurse a toddler. Some mothers can barely look beyond the next day or the next week when they begin nursing their newborns. The progression from newborn to infant to toddler is so gradual that it seems natural once we're doing it. There's no switch that flips at one year or two years or 27 months or 33 months or September 4th or July 17th when it is suddenly no longer appropriate, necessary, or reasonable to be nursing a child. Most children will gradually wean on their own between two and four years of age, too busy with life to stop to nurse. But those children who continue to ask for it obviously still have a deep-seated need for the closeness of Mom, the sweetness of milk, the comfort of suckling, their first memories of shelter from the big, bad, scary world.
I think there's also a perception that when we say we're "still" nursing our two-year-old, or 27-month-old, or 34-month-old, that we mean we are nursing him like we would an infant, that he's coming to us six or eight or 12 times a day to feed, but it's not so. Most older toddlers nurse maybe once or twice a day, perhaps to help them fall asleep, or to go back to sleep at a night-waking. They may nurse more when they're sick, and it is a wonderful gift to give your sick child, the warm, disease-fighting, easy-to-digest milk tailored to his needs. But it's not the same as a newborn nursing for his sole source of nutrition, or an infant who only supplements his milk diet with solid foods.
How old is too old to still be nursing? Some would say once a baby has teeth, he should stop breastfeeding. Some say when the baby can ask for it, she should be weaned. Some say once he can ask for it in a complete sentence, he's too old. I think there's no rule. A child is too old to nurse when his own mother decides she is no longer happy or comfortable nursing him. A child is too old to nurse when he decides he doesn't need it anymore.
There was a wonderful research article written by anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler almost 20 years ago in which she set out to determine when a human child would naturally wean absent social constructs and societal pressure. Using several different methods based on other primates' weaning ages, she concluded that humans would naturally wean between 2.5 and 7 years of age, probably closer to the 4-6-year range. This is when the first permanent teeth start to come in (six-year-old molars erupt and baby teeth start falling out). She also examined other factors such as weight, length of gestation, and immune system development. All methods agree on that range.
I did not expect to continue to nurse G this long, but now I understand how it happens. You just... don't wean. Allowing a child to decide when he is finished nursing is called "child-led weaning" and is the most gentle and biologically normal way to slowly back away from breastfeeding. I don't think it will be long before I'm back to nursing just one baby. Often, G pops off and says he's done without falling asleep and without prompting. Many times, he tells me that "it's the baby's turn now" and sends me on my way. Interspersed are the days when he peacefully drifts off to sleep, one hand holding his blanket-lovey, the other resting gently on my breast. On those days, I unlatch him carefully (mindful of that mouthful of teeth), with a finger between his molars. Sometimes, he wakes up and runs off. Other times, he smacks his lips and re-settles, then sleeps for an hour or two on his own.
Will I still be nursing him when he's three? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't have a plan for when he has to stop breastfeeding. I'm sure he doesn't either. But the day will come, probably sooner than later, when Y gets all the milk to himself, and then some day, a few years down the line, my milk will dry up for good and I'll be done nursing forever. I see no reason to rush toward that day, and neither do my babies.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Night-Weaning My Toddler: "Real-Time" Log
On Monday night/Tuesday morning, April 23, at about 2:00am, I suddenly decided that I didn't want to nurse my 19-month-old to sleep anymore or allow him to nurse at night. At that point, I had been nursing him for nearly two hours straight, he was still awake, and I was about to crawl right out of my skin. My milk is all but dried up at this point, and he's really just nursing for comfort. Knowing he no longer needs the nutrition or the calories, knowing that he is capable of falling asleep without the breast (he just doesn't want to), I made him let go and told him to go to sleep. He was surprisingly willing, and he eventually fell asleep. I spent that entire restless night in his bed, and woke around 6:00 feeling as though I hadn't had a lick of sleep the whole night.
I figured, if I was this tired anyway, and the nights were this bad anyway, I might as well stick to my guns and start the night-weaning process. I had been trying to decide when to do this; I knew it was becoming necessary, but I was waiting for "the moment." Finally, it happened. I knew it was time. I had already decided that, when the time was right, I would deal with one sleep issue at a time. First, I would help him learn that he can fall asleep without nursing. Anything else he needs, I will do. For example, if he needs to be hugged, or have his back rubbed, or just to have me lie in his bed with him, I will continue to do those things. One step at a time, slowly. Better sleep is on the horizon.
While I'm always in favor of meeting my kids' needs, it is also important to maintain my own health and sanity so that I can parent them effectively and with patience. I think that at 19.5 months, G is capable of understanding "No, we're not nursing at night anymore," he is capable of falling asleep without nursing, and I will not be causing any long-term stress by making some changes at this point. I expect this to take three to five nights.
What I did is keep a nightly log here, so what you'll be reading is sort of a "real-time" account of how each night went.
Tuesday, 4/23:
I allowed him to nurse normally throughout the day Tuesday, including for his nap, and then I allowed him to nurse for a few minutes after his bath, in his pajamas in his bed, but I told him that he wasn't going to nurse to sleep anymore, and he wasn't going to nurse at night. I cut him off around 7:40pm. I made him stop, closed up shop, and steeled myself. He was very angry, and let me know by crying, screaming, and demanding to nurse. I told him no gently, said again that there was no more nursing at night, and that he needed to go to sleep. He calmed, lay down for a bit, snuggled with me a bit, then asked again to nurse. I reiterated the same trope, no, no more nursing at night. He wailed again, cried, expressed his anger. He was definitely not happy about this. I continued to speak quietly to him, shhh him, stroke his face and back (he pushed my hand away). Occasionally, he crawled out of bed, walked around his room, and came back. He tried different positions, gathered his blankies around him, and tried asking to nurse again. Again, I said no, we're not nursing at night, and he needed to go to sleep. Finally, around 8:15 or 8:20, he was tired enough that he was willing to try something else. I was lying on my back on his bed. He climbed up on top of me, nestled the top of his head into my neck, put his arms around me, and relaxed. By 8:30, I was able to leave his room with him asleep on his bed. Many nights, it would have taken him this long to fall asleep even with nursing, so I am encouraged. I'm interested to see how the rest of the night goes.
10:25pm: Woke up asking for water and whining. I offered him his water, which he drank, then asked to nurse. I told him no, reminded him again that we aren't nursing at night anymore. He protested briefly. I stroked his head but he pushed me away, rolled away from me, and was asleep by 10:30.
1:00am: Similar to previous wakeup. Was asleep within 10 minutes.
3:24am: Again, similar to above. Was asleep within 5 minutes.
Wednesday, 4/24:
Woke for the day around 7:00am, as usual. Perfectly happy.
10:30am: Asked to nurse. I said yes, showed him that it's daytime. Started to fall asleep for his nap while nursing. I popped him off (with great difficulty - he didn't want to let go). He started sobbing, wouldn't try to go back to sleep. I let him nurse for a few more minutes on the other side, told him "all done," and he hopped off the bed and went to play.
2:00pm: Nursed to sleep for his nap (finally), but I popped him off just before he was totally settled. He rooted a bit, but I put a little pressure on his chin with my finger and repeated "go to sleep" a few times, and he settled the rest of the way to sleep.
8:30pm: Bedtime started way too late. Had to start all over again to convince him that I really wasn't going to nurse him. He was very angry. He cried for a few minutes, then got up and wandered around the room, playing. He tried to go downstairs. I had to go bring him back to bed several times. He finally gave in to staying on his bed, but he sat there and said "no" every time I told him to lie down and go to sleep. I picked up my phone and started reading Facebook. He then grabbed a blankie and climbed on top of me like last night and fell asleep. I was able to leave his bed at 9:20. This is a stressful and difficult process, and you really do have to hit that wall of, "I just have to make a change!" You have to stick to whatever decision you make. The second I relent and let him nurse, I'll have undone any progress I made last night. It took about 40 minutes total, once lights were out and the other two boys were trying to fall asleep (rather than chatting) for G to fall asleep. Again, not really any longer than it might have taken him anyway. I think the biggest problem was starting bedtime way too late - he got overtired, then hyper, and I had to wait for him to calm down before he was willing to try to go to sleep.
1:24am: First wakeup! At first, seemed like he'd go right back to sleep, but then got upset when I wouldn't nurse him. Reminded him that he doesn't need to nurse at night, stroked his head, and he settled back down. Back to sleep at 1:36 (12 minutes).
2:38am: Woke up again. Took about 5 minutes to resettle.
Thursday, 4/25:
Woke for the day around 7:00am.
10:50am: Nursed down for nap, but popped him off before he was completely out. Rooted for a few seconds, then settled.
7:35pm: Began the going-to-sleep process. He had seemed to be a bit more reluctant than in the past to go to bed, possibly because he knew there was something that would upset him. Hard to tell. Demanded to nurse a few times, cried piteously when told no. Got out of bed once, went to the top of the stairs and cried. I brought him back to bed and hugged him, rocked him a little. Lay down next to me quietly for a few minutes, then tried to lift my shirt. I told him no again, and he sat up and started crying again. Cried for a few minutes, then climbed on top of me as in the previous two nights. Fell asleep that way. Was asleep by about 7:50 or 7:55 (hard to tell). I left the room at 8:00pm!
9:04pm: Roused briefly. Needed to be repositioned, reminded to go back to sleep. Was asleep in 2 minutes.
Friday, 4/26:
5:38am: Woke for the first time! Was angry with me when I refused to nurse. Insisted on going to my bed with me. Rested with me in my bed, calm and quiet, but not asleep. Got up around 6:15.
I want to make this a little more noticeable: HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!
I will keep this log for two more nights to see if the pattern continues.
10:20am: Down for a nap. Nursed. It was quite difficult to get away from him. I'm beginning to think that nursing him for naps and not at night might confuse him. We'll see how it goes over the next few days.
Approximately 9:00pm: Lights out - late night again. Took about half an hour to fall asleep, but no crying! Some variables were that both Grandma and Daddy were in the room at bedtime, which doesn't happen on weeknights. Eventually fell asleep next to me (not on top of me!).
10:30pm: Woke briefly looking for his water. Back to sleep within 5 minutes.
Saturday, 4/27:
7:15am: Up for the day after no further night-wakings!
2:30pm: Late nap, very tired. Nursed to sleep.
4:40pm: I woke him up from his nap because I didn't want to him sleep any later than that.
8:00pm: Started bedtime. He was not tired yet and was playing and happy. Eventually settled down and fell asleep a little after 9:00, which was earlier than I expected. No crying, no asking to nurse!
11:00pm: Woke whining. Settled back down and was asleep within 10 minutes. Did not ask to nurse.
5:37am: Woke unhappy. Seemed uncomfortable, but did not ask to nurse. I stayed with him for a few minutes until he settled. Eventually went back to sleep until about 7:00am. He came to my bed at that point, and I allowed him to nurse for a while. When his brothers went downstairs, he went with them.
I'm going to end this log here. After 5 nights, three of which he essentially slept through, and two of which there was no crying or asking to nurse at bedtime, I consider this a success!
Hopefully he will continue to sleep well at night. I'm very much enjoying my quiet nights after over 19 months of nightly interrupted sleep.
I've said many times before that if you're going to try to make any changes to your baby's sleep, it takes about three to five nights of absolute consistency to make the new routine and see if you've effectively made the change. That seems to have held up this time. I can't tell you how incredible it is to sleep through the night after so long. I still don't think I could have made it happen any sooner - the stars had to align just so for it to work so perfectly, but I just knew it was time.
Have you made changes to your baby's sleeping arrangements or habits? What methods did you use, and how old was your baby? How long did it take for you to see success?
Check out the "sleep" tag for more posts about sleep!
I figured, if I was this tired anyway, and the nights were this bad anyway, I might as well stick to my guns and start the night-weaning process. I had been trying to decide when to do this; I knew it was becoming necessary, but I was waiting for "the moment." Finally, it happened. I knew it was time. I had already decided that, when the time was right, I would deal with one sleep issue at a time. First, I would help him learn that he can fall asleep without nursing. Anything else he needs, I will do. For example, if he needs to be hugged, or have his back rubbed, or just to have me lie in his bed with him, I will continue to do those things. One step at a time, slowly. Better sleep is on the horizon.
While I'm always in favor of meeting my kids' needs, it is also important to maintain my own health and sanity so that I can parent them effectively and with patience. I think that at 19.5 months, G is capable of understanding "No, we're not nursing at night anymore," he is capable of falling asleep without nursing, and I will not be causing any long-term stress by making some changes at this point. I expect this to take three to five nights.
What I did is keep a nightly log here, so what you'll be reading is sort of a "real-time" account of how each night went.
Tuesday, 4/23:
I allowed him to nurse normally throughout the day Tuesday, including for his nap, and then I allowed him to nurse for a few minutes after his bath, in his pajamas in his bed, but I told him that he wasn't going to nurse to sleep anymore, and he wasn't going to nurse at night. I cut him off around 7:40pm. I made him stop, closed up shop, and steeled myself. He was very angry, and let me know by crying, screaming, and demanding to nurse. I told him no gently, said again that there was no more nursing at night, and that he needed to go to sleep. He calmed, lay down for a bit, snuggled with me a bit, then asked again to nurse. I reiterated the same trope, no, no more nursing at night. He wailed again, cried, expressed his anger. He was definitely not happy about this. I continued to speak quietly to him, shhh him, stroke his face and back (he pushed my hand away). Occasionally, he crawled out of bed, walked around his room, and came back. He tried different positions, gathered his blankies around him, and tried asking to nurse again. Again, I said no, we're not nursing at night, and he needed to go to sleep. Finally, around 8:15 or 8:20, he was tired enough that he was willing to try something else. I was lying on my back on his bed. He climbed up on top of me, nestled the top of his head into my neck, put his arms around me, and relaxed. By 8:30, I was able to leave his room with him asleep on his bed. Many nights, it would have taken him this long to fall asleep even with nursing, so I am encouraged. I'm interested to see how the rest of the night goes.
10:25pm: Woke up asking for water and whining. I offered him his water, which he drank, then asked to nurse. I told him no, reminded him again that we aren't nursing at night anymore. He protested briefly. I stroked his head but he pushed me away, rolled away from me, and was asleep by 10:30.
1:00am: Similar to previous wakeup. Was asleep within 10 minutes.
3:24am: Again, similar to above. Was asleep within 5 minutes.
Wednesday, 4/24:
Woke for the day around 7:00am, as usual. Perfectly happy.
10:30am: Asked to nurse. I said yes, showed him that it's daytime. Started to fall asleep for his nap while nursing. I popped him off (with great difficulty - he didn't want to let go). He started sobbing, wouldn't try to go back to sleep. I let him nurse for a few more minutes on the other side, told him "all done," and he hopped off the bed and went to play.
2:00pm: Nursed to sleep for his nap (finally), but I popped him off just before he was totally settled. He rooted a bit, but I put a little pressure on his chin with my finger and repeated "go to sleep" a few times, and he settled the rest of the way to sleep.
8:30pm: Bedtime started way too late. Had to start all over again to convince him that I really wasn't going to nurse him. He was very angry. He cried for a few minutes, then got up and wandered around the room, playing. He tried to go downstairs. I had to go bring him back to bed several times. He finally gave in to staying on his bed, but he sat there and said "no" every time I told him to lie down and go to sleep. I picked up my phone and started reading Facebook. He then grabbed a blankie and climbed on top of me like last night and fell asleep. I was able to leave his bed at 9:20. This is a stressful and difficult process, and you really do have to hit that wall of, "I just have to make a change!" You have to stick to whatever decision you make. The second I relent and let him nurse, I'll have undone any progress I made last night. It took about 40 minutes total, once lights were out and the other two boys were trying to fall asleep (rather than chatting) for G to fall asleep. Again, not really any longer than it might have taken him anyway. I think the biggest problem was starting bedtime way too late - he got overtired, then hyper, and I had to wait for him to calm down before he was willing to try to go to sleep.
1:24am: First wakeup! At first, seemed like he'd go right back to sleep, but then got upset when I wouldn't nurse him. Reminded him that he doesn't need to nurse at night, stroked his head, and he settled back down. Back to sleep at 1:36 (12 minutes).
2:38am: Woke up again. Took about 5 minutes to resettle.
Thursday, 4/25:
Woke for the day around 7:00am.
10:50am: Nursed down for nap, but popped him off before he was completely out. Rooted for a few seconds, then settled.
7:35pm: Began the going-to-sleep process. He had seemed to be a bit more reluctant than in the past to go to bed, possibly because he knew there was something that would upset him. Hard to tell. Demanded to nurse a few times, cried piteously when told no. Got out of bed once, went to the top of the stairs and cried. I brought him back to bed and hugged him, rocked him a little. Lay down next to me quietly for a few minutes, then tried to lift my shirt. I told him no again, and he sat up and started crying again. Cried for a few minutes, then climbed on top of me as in the previous two nights. Fell asleep that way. Was asleep by about 7:50 or 7:55 (hard to tell). I left the room at 8:00pm!
9:04pm: Roused briefly. Needed to be repositioned, reminded to go back to sleep. Was asleep in 2 minutes.
Friday, 4/26:
5:38am: Woke for the first time! Was angry with me when I refused to nurse. Insisted on going to my bed with me. Rested with me in my bed, calm and quiet, but not asleep. Got up around 6:15.
I want to make this a little more noticeable: HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!
I will keep this log for two more nights to see if the pattern continues.
10:20am: Down for a nap. Nursed. It was quite difficult to get away from him. I'm beginning to think that nursing him for naps and not at night might confuse him. We'll see how it goes over the next few days.
Approximately 9:00pm: Lights out - late night again. Took about half an hour to fall asleep, but no crying! Some variables were that both Grandma and Daddy were in the room at bedtime, which doesn't happen on weeknights. Eventually fell asleep next to me (not on top of me!).
10:30pm: Woke briefly looking for his water. Back to sleep within 5 minutes.
Saturday, 4/27:
7:15am: Up for the day after no further night-wakings!
2:30pm: Late nap, very tired. Nursed to sleep.
4:40pm: I woke him up from his nap because I didn't want to him sleep any later than that.
8:00pm: Started bedtime. He was not tired yet and was playing and happy. Eventually settled down and fell asleep a little after 9:00, which was earlier than I expected. No crying, no asking to nurse!
11:00pm: Woke whining. Settled back down and was asleep within 10 minutes. Did not ask to nurse.
5:37am: Woke unhappy. Seemed uncomfortable, but did not ask to nurse. I stayed with him for a few minutes until he settled. Eventually went back to sleep until about 7:00am. He came to my bed at that point, and I allowed him to nurse for a while. When his brothers went downstairs, he went with them.
I'm going to end this log here. After 5 nights, three of which he essentially slept through, and two of which there was no crying or asking to nurse at bedtime, I consider this a success!
Hopefully he will continue to sleep well at night. I'm very much enjoying my quiet nights after over 19 months of nightly interrupted sleep.
I've said many times before that if you're going to try to make any changes to your baby's sleep, it takes about three to five nights of absolute consistency to make the new routine and see if you've effectively made the change. That seems to have held up this time. I can't tell you how incredible it is to sleep through the night after so long. I still don't think I could have made it happen any sooner - the stars had to align just so for it to work so perfectly, but I just knew it was time.
Have you made changes to your baby's sleeping arrangements or habits? What methods did you use, and how old was your baby? How long did it take for you to see success?
Check out the "sleep" tag for more posts about sleep!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sleep: 18-Month Edition
Well folks, it's happened: The 18-month sleep regression. Or should I say, The Eighteen-Month Sleep Regression.
At least, I assume that's what it is. G is 18 months, and his sleep is worse than a newborn's. For that matter, he's nursing more than a newborn, he's crankier than a newborn, he's crying more than a newborn! I'm very frustrated. I'm stressed out and tired and exhausted and sometimes resentful of him for taking up so much of my time either nursing or crying because he wants to nurse. No exaggeration, he basically nursed from 3:00 to 5:30 this afternoon. Arrrgh!
He's also getting the two bicuspids on the bottom. He has the top two, as well as all eight incisors. None of the other 10 teeth caused nearly this much upset. Since Sunday night, he will wake up crying and literally just scream and cry for an hour. He insists on being held, wants to walk all over the house (at un-G-dly hours, incidentally), and will then suddenly fall asleep against my chest as I sit on the couch. I can then wait a bit for him to fall into a deeper sleep and then lay him in his bed. He'll sleep on his own for a while, maybe two to three hours, and then wake again crying. I've been trying to stay on top of giving him pain medication, but it doesn't seem to help completely. I've never seen anything like it. I'm not comfortable using Orajel or other mouth-numbing products, and while I have two amber teething necklaces, I can't find either one! I don't know if the amber necklaces actually help or not, but I'm willing to try anything to help this kid.
I would ordinarily suspect an ear infection, but he has no other symptoms: he's not congested or coughing, no runny nose, he wasn't sick or congested within the past week or two, and he has no fever, vomiting, or any other obvious distress. Also, he's pretty much fine during the day and this only hits at night.
Crossing fingers, though, tonight seems a bit better so far. Here's hoping!
In any case, here are my plans for the next few months, sleep-wise.
First off, I want to night-wean. Night-weaning is when you no longer allow the baby/child to nurse during sleeping hours. The idea is that if they don't wake to nurse, they won't need to wake at all, and everyone will get more sleep. I also want to encourage him to be eating more during the day, and as long as he's getting a significant amount of his daily calories during the night, he just isn't going to be as hungry during the day. At some point, this nocturnal snacking has to end!
My nightweaning plan is to basically pick three or four nights where I assume I won't sleep (not that I've been getting much sleep anyway!), and just try to soothe him and talk him back to sleep as best I can but not allow him to nurse during defined hours, say 8:00pm to 6:00am or something. There's no reason an 18-month-old can't go 10 hours without eating at night. I don't know how difficult it will be to get him to go back to sleep. I don't know how much he'll cry/whine/insist/yell/scream. Probably a lot. I'm warming up to it, maybe when he gets over this bout of teething. My hope is that once he's night-weaned, he simply won't need to wake as often, or if he does wake, he'll be able to get back to sleep on his own.
Then, after he's night-weaned, the goal will be, of course, to eliminate night-wakings completely. The only way I know to do this is to force him to learn to put himself to sleep. I figure this will require graduated steps beginning with me helping him fall asleep by rocking, patting, or whatever works, and eventually doing that less and less until he's falling asleep without my help.
I do think I need to wait another few weeks, both to make sure those teeth have come in and aren't a factor in his wakings, and also to get through the brunt of this crazy time when his brain is making leaps and bounds and his language ability is exploding and his understanding of the world and his place in it are developing. Perhaps at 19 or 20 months, he'll stabilize enough that I won't need to take drastic measures. But, if I do need to push him a little, I'll feel comfortable knowing that he's at a good age to give it a try.
At least he likes sleeping in his own bed! That change went very smoothly.
Let's share teething stories in the comments here or on the Facebook page. What was your worst teething experience with your kid(s)? How did you handle it? What recommendations do you have for other parents to help soothe the teething pain and help your baby sleep during those few days and nights when a tooth is erupting?
-----
P.S. Unrelated to the above, but you need to go read Magda Pecsenye's (AskMoxie) letter to her sons about preventing rape.
At least, I assume that's what it is. G is 18 months, and his sleep is worse than a newborn's. For that matter, he's nursing more than a newborn, he's crankier than a newborn, he's crying more than a newborn! I'm very frustrated. I'm stressed out and tired and exhausted and sometimes resentful of him for taking up so much of my time either nursing or crying because he wants to nurse. No exaggeration, he basically nursed from 3:00 to 5:30 this afternoon. Arrrgh!
He's also getting the two bicuspids on the bottom. He has the top two, as well as all eight incisors. None of the other 10 teeth caused nearly this much upset. Since Sunday night, he will wake up crying and literally just scream and cry for an hour. He insists on being held, wants to walk all over the house (at un-G-dly hours, incidentally), and will then suddenly fall asleep against my chest as I sit on the couch. I can then wait a bit for him to fall into a deeper sleep and then lay him in his bed. He'll sleep on his own for a while, maybe two to three hours, and then wake again crying. I've been trying to stay on top of giving him pain medication, but it doesn't seem to help completely. I've never seen anything like it. I'm not comfortable using Orajel or other mouth-numbing products, and while I have two amber teething necklaces, I can't find either one! I don't know if the amber necklaces actually help or not, but I'm willing to try anything to help this kid.
I would ordinarily suspect an ear infection, but he has no other symptoms: he's not congested or coughing, no runny nose, he wasn't sick or congested within the past week or two, and he has no fever, vomiting, or any other obvious distress. Also, he's pretty much fine during the day and this only hits at night.
Crossing fingers, though, tonight seems a bit better so far. Here's hoping!
In any case, here are my plans for the next few months, sleep-wise.
First off, I want to night-wean. Night-weaning is when you no longer allow the baby/child to nurse during sleeping hours. The idea is that if they don't wake to nurse, they won't need to wake at all, and everyone will get more sleep. I also want to encourage him to be eating more during the day, and as long as he's getting a significant amount of his daily calories during the night, he just isn't going to be as hungry during the day. At some point, this nocturnal snacking has to end!
My nightweaning plan is to basically pick three or four nights where I assume I won't sleep (not that I've been getting much sleep anyway!), and just try to soothe him and talk him back to sleep as best I can but not allow him to nurse during defined hours, say 8:00pm to 6:00am or something. There's no reason an 18-month-old can't go 10 hours without eating at night. I don't know how difficult it will be to get him to go back to sleep. I don't know how much he'll cry/whine/insist/yell/scream. Probably a lot. I'm warming up to it, maybe when he gets over this bout of teething. My hope is that once he's night-weaned, he simply won't need to wake as often, or if he does wake, he'll be able to get back to sleep on his own.
Then, after he's night-weaned, the goal will be, of course, to eliminate night-wakings completely. The only way I know to do this is to force him to learn to put himself to sleep. I figure this will require graduated steps beginning with me helping him fall asleep by rocking, patting, or whatever works, and eventually doing that less and less until he's falling asleep without my help.
I do think I need to wait another few weeks, both to make sure those teeth have come in and aren't a factor in his wakings, and also to get through the brunt of this crazy time when his brain is making leaps and bounds and his language ability is exploding and his understanding of the world and his place in it are developing. Perhaps at 19 or 20 months, he'll stabilize enough that I won't need to take drastic measures. But, if I do need to push him a little, I'll feel comfortable knowing that he's at a good age to give it a try.
At least he likes sleeping in his own bed! That change went very smoothly.
Let's share teething stories in the comments here or on the Facebook page. What was your worst teething experience with your kid(s)? How did you handle it? What recommendations do you have for other parents to help soothe the teething pain and help your baby sleep during those few days and nights when a tooth is erupting?
-----
P.S. Unrelated to the above, but you need to go read Magda Pecsenye's (AskMoxie) letter to her sons about preventing rape.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Sleep: 13 Month Update
I thought I'd update you once in a while on GI's sleep patterns, in the hope of creating a sort of historical record of sleep his evolution. My previous sleep posts regarding NJ and SB (part I, part II, part III) were based largely on my own fuzzy memories and the occasional LiveJournal post I had made when in the moment and wanting to scream (or rejoice).
A couple of things I know for sure are different this time:
1) SB was O-U-T out of my bed around 12 months. And then back in. But also out. His crib was in NJ's room, and I at least attempted to get him to sleep in there for the first part of the night.
GI, on the other hand, is still sleeping with me every night. His crib is snugged up right next to my bed, with the side off, because I had intended to at least try to scoot him over into his own space after nursing him. That...didn't work, but moving the crib or putting the side back on or any other option just seemed like too much trouble. At least it acts as a safety net should he roll off in that direction. It also acts as an excellent place to store clean laundry, hang wet things, and toss various items into when I don't have anywhere else to put them.
2) SB and NJ both had a bedtime by this age. We had a bedtime routine, I was consistent about bedtime, and both were down and out before 8:00 p.m.
GI, by contrast, hasn't settled into a predictable sleep routine, despite my efforts. He participates in the bedtime routine, including having a nightly bath, being with us while we read books and do the bedtime Shema, and he happily waves "night-night" and comes to my bed to nurse. This does not always translate to falling asleep, though. He seems to have an alternating schedule that goes something like this:
a) He's tired in the morning and takes a one to two-hour nap around 10:00 a.m. He is then extremely tired by 4:00 or 5:00 p.m., and my choice is to either put him down for a second nap or lose my mind because I have an overtired toddler following me around and screaming. I usually choose the former, and he sleeps for about 45 minutes and is up to eat dinner with us around 6:00. He is then not tired until after 10:00 p.m., but goes to sleep very easily at that point. On these nights, he usually sleeps reasonably well (comparatively, of course), and so I tend to think this is supposed to be his sleep rhythm right now. However...
b) If he goes to sleep after 10:00 p.m. he sleeps past 7:30 a.m. and then isn't tired for a morning nap. This means he goes down for a nap closer to lunch time, or even after lunch, and usually sleeps for about two hours. This means he's tired around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. and goes down for the night right after I finish putting his brothers to bed. This is great! He's in bed by 8:00 or 8:30! Unfortunately...
c) If he's asleep by 8:30, then he sleeps more fitfully (I don't know why) sometimes, and then is up before 7:00 a.m. This means he's tired for a morning nap around 10:00. And back to (a).
I don't quite know what to do about this strange cycle, except to force him to stay up and take just one mid-day nap. I feel like 13 months is too young to be on a one-nap routine, although it would make my life easier if it works. The problem is that if he gets overtired, he's just impossible to deal with and I can't get anything done. I have to decide between having a happy and rested baby during the day so I can get work done while he's awake (and get him down for a morning nap and work while he sleeps) or having an overtired baby at 10:00 and just deal with him until I'm comfortable with him going down for a nap. I'm leery of messing with his sleep needs just yet. I'm leaning toward giving it a few more weeks or months and seeing if it resolves itself. He may just be in a transition period going from two naps to one, and he certainly will get there on his own soon enough.
It is better than it was. For about three or four weeks in September/October, GI was sleeping just horribly. He would wake to nurse, nurse for a minute, roll away, then start saying "eh eh eh," roll back to nurse some more, pop off, "eh eh eh," nurse, pop off, etc., ad infinitum, all night long. I was losing my mind with exhaustion. And then, just as suddenly, he's back to his old ways, waking two or three times to nurse, nursing for a finite amount of time, and going back to sleep. This, I can handle. I can deal with it. I'm used to it. Sure, I'd love an uninterrupted night's sleep, and that will come eventually, but at least I know what I'm up against now.
My number one piece of advice for parents with complaints about their kids' sleep is, "Give it a few weeks." If it doesn't improve on its own after three to four weeks, then you probably want to look into making some changes, but I've found that with babies, you get about four to six weeks of decent sleep habits, then four to six weeks of horrendous sleep, then four to six weeks of okay sleep again, typically. Just when you think you can't take it anymore, it gets a bit better. And just when you think everything's great, it gets worse. So, give it a few weeks, and hang in there.
If the situation is completely intolerable, however, and your baby is over a year old, sleep "training" is always an option, but it's up to you how much "training" you can and are willing to do. There's the old "cry it out" standby, or there are gentler methods.
My plan is to slowly work for improved sleep conditions over the next year, as I did with SB.
The first step will be to get him sleeping in his own bed, in another room. To that end, we are going to get bunk beds for NJ and SB (NJ is turning six, so it seems an appropriate time) so that GI can sleep on a twin bed in their room. A twin bed, because then I can go in and lay down to nurse him at night, which won't change immediately. He's used to sleeping in a bed, not a crib, so I think the transition will work well for him.
The next step will be for him to learn that he can fall asleep without a boob in his mouth. This worked well with SB around 16 months and took only about three nights for him to understand. I will nurse him until I'm sure he's just comfort nursing, and I will talk to him about falling asleep without nursing and that he can do it. Then I will do whatever is necessary to get him to fall asleep without nursing. This may involve some controlled crying. I plan to try this around 16 months, as that seems to be a magic age, and that's when I was able to do it with both NJ and SB.
Finally, night-weaning. Once he knows he can fall asleep without nursing, I'll have to make sure he's getting enough to eat during the day that he won't need to be hungry at night. Then I'll simply have to refuse to nurse him at night. He will probably still wake for comfort a few times a night for a while, but, eventually, he should start sleeping through the night. I will have to wait and see whether this comes at the same time as full weaning or if he will still nurse during the day.
I expect that by the time he's two, he will be mostly sleeping in his own bed at night, and will hopefully be night-weaned. This is a yearlong process for me, but the ultimate goal is that everybody gets to sleep at night and that bedtime is not stressful or scary.
A couple of things I know for sure are different this time:
1) SB was O-U-T out of my bed around 12 months. And then back in. But also out. His crib was in NJ's room, and I at least attempted to get him to sleep in there for the first part of the night.
GI, on the other hand, is still sleeping with me every night. His crib is snugged up right next to my bed, with the side off, because I had intended to at least try to scoot him over into his own space after nursing him. That...didn't work, but moving the crib or putting the side back on or any other option just seemed like too much trouble. At least it acts as a safety net should he roll off in that direction. It also acts as an excellent place to store clean laundry, hang wet things, and toss various items into when I don't have anywhere else to put them.
2) SB and NJ both had a bedtime by this age. We had a bedtime routine, I was consistent about bedtime, and both were down and out before 8:00 p.m.
GI, by contrast, hasn't settled into a predictable sleep routine, despite my efforts. He participates in the bedtime routine, including having a nightly bath, being with us while we read books and do the bedtime Shema, and he happily waves "night-night" and comes to my bed to nurse. This does not always translate to falling asleep, though. He seems to have an alternating schedule that goes something like this:
a) He's tired in the morning and takes a one to two-hour nap around 10:00 a.m. He is then extremely tired by 4:00 or 5:00 p.m., and my choice is to either put him down for a second nap or lose my mind because I have an overtired toddler following me around and screaming. I usually choose the former, and he sleeps for about 45 minutes and is up to eat dinner with us around 6:00. He is then not tired until after 10:00 p.m., but goes to sleep very easily at that point. On these nights, he usually sleeps reasonably well (comparatively, of course), and so I tend to think this is supposed to be his sleep rhythm right now. However...
b) If he goes to sleep after 10:00 p.m. he sleeps past 7:30 a.m. and then isn't tired for a morning nap. This means he goes down for a nap closer to lunch time, or even after lunch, and usually sleeps for about two hours. This means he's tired around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. and goes down for the night right after I finish putting his brothers to bed. This is great! He's in bed by 8:00 or 8:30! Unfortunately...
c) If he's asleep by 8:30, then he sleeps more fitfully (I don't know why) sometimes, and then is up before 7:00 a.m. This means he's tired for a morning nap around 10:00. And back to (a).
I don't quite know what to do about this strange cycle, except to force him to stay up and take just one mid-day nap. I feel like 13 months is too young to be on a one-nap routine, although it would make my life easier if it works. The problem is that if he gets overtired, he's just impossible to deal with and I can't get anything done. I have to decide between having a happy and rested baby during the day so I can get work done while he's awake (and get him down for a morning nap and work while he sleeps) or having an overtired baby at 10:00 and just deal with him until I'm comfortable with him going down for a nap. I'm leery of messing with his sleep needs just yet. I'm leaning toward giving it a few more weeks or months and seeing if it resolves itself. He may just be in a transition period going from two naps to one, and he certainly will get there on his own soon enough.
It is better than it was. For about three or four weeks in September/October, GI was sleeping just horribly. He would wake to nurse, nurse for a minute, roll away, then start saying "eh eh eh," roll back to nurse some more, pop off, "eh eh eh," nurse, pop off, etc., ad infinitum, all night long. I was losing my mind with exhaustion. And then, just as suddenly, he's back to his old ways, waking two or three times to nurse, nursing for a finite amount of time, and going back to sleep. This, I can handle. I can deal with it. I'm used to it. Sure, I'd love an uninterrupted night's sleep, and that will come eventually, but at least I know what I'm up against now.
My number one piece of advice for parents with complaints about their kids' sleep is, "Give it a few weeks." If it doesn't improve on its own after three to four weeks, then you probably want to look into making some changes, but I've found that with babies, you get about four to six weeks of decent sleep habits, then four to six weeks of horrendous sleep, then four to six weeks of okay sleep again, typically. Just when you think you can't take it anymore, it gets a bit better. And just when you think everything's great, it gets worse. So, give it a few weeks, and hang in there.
If the situation is completely intolerable, however, and your baby is over a year old, sleep "training" is always an option, but it's up to you how much "training" you can and are willing to do. There's the old "cry it out" standby, or there are gentler methods.
My plan is to slowly work for improved sleep conditions over the next year, as I did with SB.
The first step will be to get him sleeping in his own bed, in another room. To that end, we are going to get bunk beds for NJ and SB (NJ is turning six, so it seems an appropriate time) so that GI can sleep on a twin bed in their room. A twin bed, because then I can go in and lay down to nurse him at night, which won't change immediately. He's used to sleeping in a bed, not a crib, so I think the transition will work well for him.
The next step will be for him to learn that he can fall asleep without a boob in his mouth. This worked well with SB around 16 months and took only about three nights for him to understand. I will nurse him until I'm sure he's just comfort nursing, and I will talk to him about falling asleep without nursing and that he can do it. Then I will do whatever is necessary to get him to fall asleep without nursing. This may involve some controlled crying. I plan to try this around 16 months, as that seems to be a magic age, and that's when I was able to do it with both NJ and SB.
Finally, night-weaning. Once he knows he can fall asleep without nursing, I'll have to make sure he's getting enough to eat during the day that he won't need to be hungry at night. Then I'll simply have to refuse to nurse him at night. He will probably still wake for comfort a few times a night for a while, but, eventually, he should start sleeping through the night. I will have to wait and see whether this comes at the same time as full weaning or if he will still nurse during the day.
I expect that by the time he's two, he will be mostly sleeping in his own bed at night, and will hopefully be night-weaned. This is a yearlong process for me, but the ultimate goal is that everybody gets to sleep at night and that bedtime is not stressful or scary.
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