Moving with Children: Some Thoughts and Advice

I know to most of my readers, I exist in a somewhat static online location, but my family has actually moved twice since I started Jessica on Babies, most recently last month! We moved from Southern California to Northern California two years ago, and this summer moved back down to Southern California.

Both of our recent moves were corporate relocations, which means we were lucky enough to be provided with a packing service. We still had to do some purging and organizing, but at least we didn't have to actually acquire, fill, label, and tape the boxes. Even so, moving is stressful for everyone, especially a long-distance move to a new and unfamiliar place. This most recent move, we didn't even see the house we were moving into until we actually arrived here!

Here are some of my thoughts and bits of advice on long-distance (or short-distance!) moves with children.

Small children may wonder where their stuff is going and if they're going to see it again. Make sure that you keep your child's lovey and a few favorite books and small toys out so that there is something familiar among the chaos. For verbal children, especially preschool-aged ones, explain that their clothes and toys are going into the boxes, but that those boxes are going to arrive at the new house and they'll get to unpack and use their things again.

School-aged children will worry about attending a new school and making new friends. We were fortunate to move in the summer, so my kids don't have the disruption of changing schools in the middle of a school year. They have not expressed a great deal of concern over starting at a new school, but school hasn't started yet. I am nervous for them - especially for my oldest, who will be going into fourth grade. I signed them up for a couple of weeks of summer camp in our new town in the hopes that they'd get to meet some kids their age who live locally, and hopefully some who will be at their new school. It was also an opportunity for me to meet some of the local parents!

Babies and toddlers will adjust the fastest. My youngest didn't much care where he was sleeping as long as he had his familiar blankets, and as long as I nursed him down in his new room. He even got a new bed when we got to our new house. Our only concern with the youngest was that we moved from a one-story house (where he'd been born) to a two-story house, and we wanted to make sure he'd get used to climbing up and down the stairs. It took him a couple of weeks to become comfortable with the steps, but he goes up and down like a pro now. He has enjoyed exploring his new digs.

Maintain your family routines as much as possible. A new house means a new way of life no matter how you slice it, but the basic structure of your day can still stay the same. Children are comforted by keeping to a familiar schedule. They like to know what's coming next. Anything you can do to keep their days as familiar as possible will help them adjust.

DON'T PACK THE LOVEY. I put that in all caps because it's so, so important. If your young child has a favorite blankie or stuffed animal or toy that he or she uses as a transitional or comfort object, make sure it stays near them! When they get to their new room, having their lovey there to sleep with will help them become used to the idea that this place is now their home.

Give fair warning of the move. We decided to make the move quite a while before we told our kids. We spent a long time discussing when was the right moment to tell them. We wanted to give them enough time to ask us questions about the new area, to solidify the idea of the move in their minds, and to let the shock wear off a little, but we didn't want them to be worrying about it for weeks and months either. We ended up telling them about a month and a half before we were scheduled to move. This gave them a chance to say goodbye to friends at school, have some last play dates, look at pictures of the new house, and talk about what we'd be doing during the summer.

Reassure them that you'll be staying for a while. It took my almost-four-year-old a while to understand that this is his new home. We stayed for a couple of nights in two hotels before moving in, which may have been confusing for him. After moving in, he asked repeatedly when we were going back to the hotel, or back to our house, and I had to explain, gently, several times, that we were living here now, that this is our new house, and that we aren't going back to the other house.

Find lots of positive things to talk about. For myself as much as for the kids, I spent a lot of time listing the things that would be better or easier or more fun in the new location. At the same time, I acknowledged the things we would miss about our old town. Validate their feelings. There will be a mix of excitement and nerves, sadness about leaving friends but a little bit of the thrill of adventure all mixed up. It's okay to be sad. Yes, you'll miss your friends. I'm sad, too. I'm going to miss a lot of things about this place. But think of all the neat things about our new city! I was able to list many positives about the move, which helped all of us get used to the idea. We were fortunate to be moving closer to several family members the kids enjoy seeing, so we could talk about how they'd get to see these family members more often, for example.

Be honest. Our kids wanted to know why we were moving. We told them, to their level, the reasons. There were several factors that went into the decision, and they didn't need to know the entire decision tree, but they deserved to know that we had thought a lot about what we wanted to do. We uprooted them as much as we uprooted ourselves, and it was important to me that they understand that Mommy and Daddy made the decision we thought was best for the whole family.

Follow their lead. All kids are different, and some may have a great deal of trouble with the change while others will embrace it head-on. Don't make worries where none exist, but don't downplay the genuine emotions they have. If you can reflect and acknowledge what your child is actually feeling, they will feel more secure in knowing that you truly understand what's going on in their heads, and you can help them work through those complicated emotions.

Find some new favorite places. We immediately located and went to some favorite chain restaurants and new-to-us stores. We went to the grocery store, toured the neighborhood, and perused Google Maps for places we specifically wanted to go. This helped establish this new city as our home base right away.

Be kind to yourself. You will be under a great deal of stress. Go easy on yourself, and, especially, go easy on your kids. Everyone's emotions will be running high in the days leading up to the move and for a little while until you feel settled. Own those feelings, acknowledge them within yourself, and let go as much as you can. Eat off paper plates, cook as little as possible, take a few days off from work if you can. Moving sucks. There's no two ways about it. Don't bury the stress or you'll explode. Ask me how I know!

That's all I can think of right now. Have you made a major move with your kids? What would you add to this list?

The Joy of Not Rushing

One of the things I pride myself on is my ability to estimate how long something will take and plan accordingly. I'm rarely late and usually early for appointments, school drop-offs and pick-ups, get-togethers, and so on.

Having four kids, two of whom are toddlers, has made everything take a little longer. It took me a little while to learn to pad my time estimates, but I'm pretty much on my game these days.

Unfortunately, the more personalities involved and the more you have going on, the likelier it is that things won't go quite according to plan.

It's when things start to derail that I am at my worst as a parent.

A three-year-old does not live his life by the clock. He does not care if you need to be somewhere in 15 minutes. He doesn't know what 15 minutes is. He doesn't understand that if he gets to finish watching this episode of "Blue's Clues," Mommy will be late to pick up his brothers from school. He doesn't understand (or care) that if he doesn't walk just a smidge faster, he'll throw off Mommy's carefully laid-out timetable for the afternoon. And he doesn't realize Just. How. Slowly. He's. Eating.

One recent Tuesday, I had the brilliant idea to go to the bank, then hit Target, then eat dinner, then head off to drop my two older boys at Hebrew school. I worked backward from the Hebrew school start time, estimated how long dinner would take, how long Target would take, what I needed to do at the bank (make a deposit in the ATM), how long it would take to get there, added 10 minutes for security and wiggle room, and set out at the appointed time, after filling everybody in on the plan. Everyone was on board, and my oldest even made it into a game to see if we could really hit all of my timing goals.

We got to the bank exactly when I estimated we would. The ATM gave me trouble, so it took a few minutes longer than I expected, but we were still on our way to Target exactly when I hoped to be. I had left us an hour for Target and knew exactly what I needed to get. Of course, once you actually get to Target, you find many other things you, er, "need," but I would have had plenty of time except for three setbacks: the pharmacy, where I just wanted to ask a quick question, was packed; it turned out the last item I needed was across the store from where I was; and the lines at the checkout were long and slow. Still, we had time to eat dinner. If we rushed.

I tried to rush, except...except I forgot to factor in the time it would take to walk across the parking lot to the car with a pokey toddler, unload the Target purchases, then walk back across the parking lot (with a pokey toddler) to the restaurant, which was right next to Target. I tried to rush, but I was met with resistance. He didn't want to hold my hand, so I had to half drag him, fighting and screaming across the parking lot.

And when I saw the line at the restaurant, I knew my timeline was blown. We were going to be late, and there was nothing I could do about it. Had I known it would then take half an hour to get our food after we ordered it, I would have gone somewhere quicker to begin with, but we all had our hearts set on this particular restaurant.

So obviously the three-year-old decides to eat one tortilla chip at a time, one grain of rice, pick at his food. This is how he always eats, but just this once, just this once, I hoped he would hurry himself a bit. But no amount of cajoling, explaining, or chivvying got him to pick up his pace even a little.

I tried to rush, and in the trying, I became more and more impatient. I yelled. I berated. I sighed heavily. Time stretched out. Every little thing seemed to take three times longer than it really did. I was angry and agitated. And when we finally, finally, all got in the car, we were already 15 minutes late, before even driving away. Did it even matter anymore if we rushed? What was another five minutes at this point?

I was so annoyed. I really dislike being late, and I especially dislike when other people make me late, even if those other people are small persons who live their lives marching to a whole different drummer.

By contrast, the following Friday, I had very little to do. I had work to do, but I had largely given up on doing it, because the baby has been clingy and the three-year-old needed attention. I had one short errand to run that was not time-sensitive, and we had a few hours before we had to pick up the older boys from school. I decided to run my errand and then take the little ones out to lunch at McDonald's.

I ran my errand, which took longer than it needed to, but was enjoyable for the relaxed nature of the thing. Then we got to McDonald's, ordered our food, and ate, slowly, savoring every bite of chicken nugget, every french fry, every dip in the ketchup. I set the three-year-old loose in the Play Place, where he climbed up and down and around, calling, "Look, Mommy!" Every glance at my watch showed plenty of time. Plenty of time. He can play for ages. He can just play.

I was so patient. I enjoyed watching him. I enjoyed just sitting, playing Candy Crush, listening to his imaginative game as he climbed through the play structure, narrating his ascent. "Look, Mommy! I can touch the rocks here. Look at this wall! Hi, Mommy! See?" I enjoyed letting the baby explore a little. We were the only ones there. We had the place to ourselves, and it was quiet and pleasant and lovely.

And when we finally really did have to go, we still had a little wiggle room. It didn't matter if we left McDonald's at 2:10 or 2:20. We'd get to the school in time. The only difference would be whether I was first or last in the car pickup line, and did that really matter? Not really. So we made our way to the car, headed on up to the school, and were early for pickup.

As we sat in the car line (we were the second car), I resolved not to rush so much. I resolved to savor the space to breathe a little, to explore, to toddle slowly along, to eat one chip at a time. I want to be on time, but being on time doesn't mean rushing. It means leaving more time to let things fall as they may. It means letting go of an errand or a bit of work to instead let your kid be a kid. He'll have to live by the clock soon enough. Maybe it's time I ditched the watch and joined him in the play structure.

Adventures with the Toddler in Walmart, or Just Buy the Damn Froot Loops

We went to Walmart on Sunday. I hadn't been to Walmart in about a year, because there isn't one near me where I live now. But we went on a trip to visit my mom, and there are several Walmarts near her. I wanted to get things we'd need during the trip, and I didn't want to spend a lot of extra money doing so.

I realize a trip to Walmart is fraught with ethical, political, and social justice questions for those of us privileged enough to care about such things, but that's not what this post is about.

This post is about toddler meltdowns and the management thereof.

We needed groceries for the two weeks we're here. We had just arrived on Saturday evening, and the kids were tired, excited, overwhelmed, and a little discombobulated. We didn't change time zones. We didn't leave the state. But it was still different and fun and new and unusual and so they were, understandably, not quite themselves.

Anyway, whenever I take all the kids to almost any store, they get a little nuts.

It was about 11:00 in the morning. The kids usually have a snack around 10:30, but we were going from one errand to the next after having a later-than-usual and bigger-than-usual breakfast, so the snack didn't happen. This matters. A lot.

We got to the peanut butter section. We needed a small jar of peanut butter. My almost-three-year-old, G, picked up a jar - at random! - from the shelf and announced we should get that one. It wasn't the brand I wanted or the type I wanted. It looked like it wouldn't taste good. I showed him the jar I wanted to buy and told him to put away the one he'd picked up.

You know what happened, don't you, if you've ever had an almost-3-year-old who is sleep deprived, hungry, and excited, right?

Yes. He melted down. Screaming, tears running down his face, collapsing to the floor, the works. Could. Not. Handle. It. We had to get this peanut butter. He wanted this peanut butter.

I did not want the peanut butter he had offered. I took it from him and put it back on the shelf, showed him the jar I wanted, and put that one in the cart. We moved on. He followed, still crying piteously. I don't think he even knew what he was crying about anymore.

Then, just as he was calming down from the Peanut Butter Incident, G tripped over his brother's foot, fell, and hit his head on the wheel of the cart. Resume meltdown status! I comforted him as best I could, rubbed the sore spot, tried to settle him back down. I spotted the Parmesan cheese. We needed Parmesan. I didn't particularly care which container of Parmesan we ended up with. G loves his "papajon cheese." I said, "Look! G! Look! What's that up there?" Tears continue. "G! Look! Parmesan cheese! Do you want to pick out the Parmesan?" I was talking in the exaggerated, desperate, high-pitched, overly sweet voice most moms know well, the one that says, "Please, oh please be distracted by what I'm doing so you'll stop crying. Please, please, please!"

No dice. The "papajon" cheese wasn't enough to enable him to get over the Peanut Butter Incident and the Bumping Head On Cart Fiasco.

I chose the obvious Parmesan option and tossed it into the cart and we attempted to move on.

Next came the cereal aisle. I wasn't intending to buy cereal at all, but the kids like it, and when G saw where we were, he finally - finally! - gathered himself and returned to Normal Operating State. Mostly.

He picked up a Family Size box of Froot Loops. Of all the cereals in the aisle, of all the options there, he picked up a Family Size Box Of Froot Loops.

"Mommy, can we get cereal? I want this cereal!" he said, in his impossibly cute little voice.

"No," I started to say. "Let's get - "

He looked up at me with those big brown eyes. Those big brown eyes that said, "You don't want me to melt down again, do you? DO YOU?" Those big, adorable, tired, overwhelmed, excited, hungry, brown eyes, attached to that adorable, tear-streaked face, with that adorable, curly, disheveled, bright orange hair. He looked up at me, clutching the big red box of Froot Loops, the Family Size box of disgusting, sweet, colorful, horrible cereal, and said, "Mommy, I want this cereal!"

My sentence did not end with "Cheerios." It instead switched direction mid-word and became, "Okay. Yes. Let's get that cereal!" And into the cart it went.

That wasn't the end of our shopping trip by a long shot, but it was the end of the meltdowns. There was a minor setback when the question of which chips to buy came up, but we were able to prevent that one from escalating by allowing him to take his sweet time choosing exactly which flavor of Pringles to buy.

(I realize it sounds like we bought a cartful of junk food, but I promise we also bought lots of other stuff. Really.)

Anyone who witnessed only the Cereal Selection Episode and the Pringles Question might think we were indulging our toddler, that we were giving in to his demands, that we were spoiling him. But I hope that most parents would realize that sometimes you give in just to get your shopping done. Sometimes, you want to spare your overwhelmed toddler (and your exhausted self) the stress of yet another tantrum. And sometimes you simply can't reason with, or win against, a toddler on the edge, and it's easier just to buy the damn Froot Loops.

At least he's eaten them for breakfast every morning since.

Yes, I'm "Still" Breastfeeding My Toddler

My third son, G, is now 31 months (that's 2 years and 7 months for those less month-county than I am). I had originally thought I would nurse him until he was two, as I had his older brother. However, during my fourth pregnancy, my milk dried up for the most part, several months before G turned two. I allowed him to continue to comfort-nurse and drink any colostrum he could extract, but I knew he wasn't getting all the benefits of breastmilk I had hoped to keep providing.

After Baby Y was born, when G was around 25 months, my breasts sprang back to life, overflowing with milk once again. I hadn't planned to "tandem nurse" - breastfeed more than one child at a time - but it sort of just happened that way. I hadn't stopped G from comfort nursing, and when he was actually getting milk again, he loved nursing even more.

In the early days, when Y was very little and needed to nurse often, I tried a few times to nurse the baby and G simultaneously. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me, but it was also the easiest way to please both of them.

Now, though, five months on, I don't try to nurse them simultaneously anymore. I leave the baby somewhere safe and happy, and I take G to his bed or mine. I find I don't mind nursing G by himself once in a while. It's a wholly different experience from nursing the baby. G only nurses once a day, at naptime, and not even every day. It's so easy to get him to lie down in bed and try to take a nap if I offer to let him nurse! It's incredibly cute how excited he gets when I agree to nurse him. He races down the hallway exclaiming, "I gonna nurse! You gonna nurse me! I gonna nurse! I gonna nurse in my bed!"

I've asked him what the milk tastes like, but all I get in response is "milk." Which is hard to argue with.

For those who are concerned about having enough milk for a toddler and a baby, you can absolutely nurse two children. Remember that your body makes milk based on the demand, so if you have a toddler and a newborn both demanding milk, your breasts will produce enough milk for both. See my series on nursing through pregnancy for more information about tandem-nursing a toddler and a newborn. My milk supply this time around is copious, partly because of my daily pumping in the first few weeks postpartum and partly because I nurse my toddler several times a week in addition to the baby's exclusive breastfeeding.

I never set out to be nursing a 2-1/2-year-old. I didn't have a specific plan for how or when to wean him completely. When his baby brother was born relatively close to his second birthday, I didn't think it was fair to G for Y to usurp his place at the breast at the same time he usurped his place as "the baby." We had long since night-weaned, so I didn't have the stress of trying to nurse two kids through the night. That might have affected how I felt about continuing to nurse him. Now, I would rather just nurse him once every couple of days than to deal with the tantrum and tears when I refuse. I'm sure if I refused enough times in a row, he would stop asking, but I don't see a reason to put us both through that stress right now.

I think when we talk about nursing an older toddler, one who speaks in complete sentences and has a mouthful of teeth and eats plenty of healthy foods and drinks water and juice and other milks, it's hard for people who haven't been there to understand that we're not just walking down the street, picking up a random toddler, and nursing him. We don't start out nursing a toddler. In fact, many women don't plan to nurse a toddler. Some mothers can barely look beyond the next day or the next week when they begin nursing their newborns. The progression from newborn to infant to toddler is so gradual that it seems natural once we're doing it. There's no switch that flips at one year or two years or 27 months or 33 months or September 4th or July 17th when it is suddenly no longer appropriate, necessary, or reasonable to be nursing a child. Most children will gradually wean on their own between two and four years of age, too busy with life to stop to nurse. But those children who continue to ask for it obviously still have a deep-seated need for the closeness of Mom, the sweetness of milk, the comfort of suckling, their first memories of shelter from the big, bad, scary world.

I think there's also a perception that when we say we're "still" nursing our two-year-old, or 27-month-old, or 34-month-old, that we mean we are nursing him like we would an infant, that he's coming to us six or eight or 12 times a day to feed, but it's not so. Most older toddlers nurse maybe once or twice a day, perhaps to help them fall asleep, or to go back to sleep at a night-waking. They may nurse more when they're sick, and it is a wonderful gift to give your sick child, the warm, disease-fighting, easy-to-digest milk tailored to his needs. But it's not the same as a newborn nursing for his sole source of nutrition, or an infant who only supplements his milk diet with solid foods.

How old is too old to still be nursing? Some would say once a baby has teeth, he should stop breastfeeding. Some say when the baby can ask for it, she should be weaned. Some say once he can ask for it in a complete sentence, he's too old. I think there's no rule. A child is too old to nurse when his own mother decides she is no longer happy or comfortable nursing him. A child is too old to nurse when he decides he doesn't need it anymore.

There was a wonderful research article written by anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler almost 20 years ago in which she set out to determine when a human child would naturally wean absent social constructs and societal pressure. Using several different methods based on other primates' weaning ages, she concluded that humans would naturally wean between 2.5 and 7 years of age, probably closer to the 4-6-year range. This is when the first permanent teeth start to come in (six-year-old molars erupt and baby teeth start falling out). She also examined other factors such as weight, length of gestation, and immune system development. All methods agree on that range.

I did not expect to continue to nurse G this long, but now I understand how it happens. You just... don't wean. Allowing a child to decide when he is finished nursing is called "child-led weaning" and is the most gentle and biologically normal way to slowly back away from breastfeeding. I don't think it will be long before I'm back to nursing just one baby. Often, G pops off and says he's done without falling asleep and without prompting. Many times, he tells me that "it's the baby's turn now" and sends me on my way. Interspersed are the days when he peacefully drifts off to sleep, one hand holding his blanket-lovey, the other resting gently on my breast. On those days, I unlatch him carefully (mindful of that mouthful of teeth), with a finger between his molars. Sometimes, he wakes up and runs off. Other times, he smacks his lips and re-settles, then sleeps for an hour or two on his own.

Will I still be nursing him when he's three? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't have a plan for when he has to stop breastfeeding. I'm sure he doesn't either. But the day will come, probably sooner than later, when Y gets all the milk to himself, and then some day, a few years down the line, my milk will dry up for good and I'll be done nursing forever. I see no reason to rush toward that day, and neither do my babies.

Adjusting to a Second (or Third, or Fourth) Baby

While there is always plenty to worry about when you're pregnant, you'll have different concerns when you're pregnant with your second (or third, or fourth...) than you did with your first. When you've already had a baby, your life has already adjusted to the presence of a child. But now you need to adjust your older child(ren) to the presence of a sibling, and you have to figure out how you are going to care for yet another child. Here are some of the common concerns parents have when adding a new baby to the family.

What if I don't love my new baby as much as I love my son/daughter? 
This is one of the most common questions I hear from second-time moms who are expressing their worries about the impending birth of their next child. The overwhelming love we experience when our first baby is born is indescribable, and we worry that it can never be matched. Fortunately, love is not finite, nor is it parceled out. Bonding with your first baby left physical changes in your brain that mean bonding with your next will happen in just as breathtaking a fashion. Love expands into a bubble that encompasses every child together and each child individually. You may not love your second in the same way that you love your first, but the quantity and quality will not be in any way diminished. Finding that each of your children is an individual with different needs for attention, affection, and interaction brings a whole new dimension to the overall love you will feel for your family as a whole and for each child. And the love between siblings gives your heart a whole new reason to swell.

What if I love my new baby more than I love my older child?
This is a different sort of worry. You know you love your child, but maybe you had trouble forming a bond the first time. Maybe the birth was traumatic, maybe you were separated for a hours or days, or maybe you were so befuddled and overwhelmed by the addition of a new baby to your little family that you took a few days or weeks to feel the kind of love you were looking for. What if, this time, you bond faster, your love is stronger? It is, in fact, likely that you will bond faster with subsequent children than you did with your first. While some parents had no trouble bonding the first time, it is very common, too, for it to take a little time to understand how this new little person fits into your world. Rest assured, your capacity for loving your children is not limited or finite, and you will find that as you experience a new bond with your baby, your bond with your older child will increase as well.

The baby will require so much attention. I don't want the older sibling(s) to be jealous.
Yes. The new baby will require a great deal of attention. This is true. And you will be tired and overwhelmed and discombobulated. And your other child(ren) will still need you for diaper changes, potty help, baths, reading books, helping with homework, meals, laundry, and everything else you already do for them. And it is entirely possible that they will get tired of hearing, "Mommy (or Daddy) will be with you in a few minutes, just as soon as I finish feeding/bathing/holding the baby." Remember, though, that a lot of the attention the new baby needs at first is fairly passive. Nursing (or giving a bottle), holding and rocking, carrying around, keeping an eye on, are all things you can do while you give attention to an older child. Your older child can cuddle with you while you nurse the baby. One great bit of advice that many new parents find helpful is to set up a "nursing basket." Put together a box or basket of special books, toys, and movies that you can engage in with your toddler or preschooler whenever you sit down to feed the new baby. Your older child will still get to spend quality quiet time with you, and may even begin to see nursing-the-baby time as a special Mommy time for him/her, too. In addition, make sure your older child(ren) get a chance to hear you say, "Hold on, Baby, your brother needs my help first." Let him know that he's not always going to be second to the needs of the baby. Also, if you can, arrange for regular one-on-one time with the older child with one parent or the other.

A second bit of advice that works well for toddlers is to have the "baby" give the older sibling a gift. When the baby is born, you'll likely receive gifts for yourself and for the baby. Store away something in advance that the baby can give to his big sister or brother. Also, if you can enlist a relative or two to give the big sibling a gift (even something small), she or he will feel less left out of the excitement.

Another part of this equation is giving your older child(ren) the chance to become helpers and caregivers for the new sibling. I have found that this facilitates the sibling bond and makes the older child feel needed and special, too. Give them a "job" (equal to their abilities, of course). "Can you help me out and be such a big girl? Can you run upstairs to the baby's room and get Mommy a diaper? I think the baby needs a change." It may sound corny, but if you make your child feel like she is the only one who can do this monumental task to help you and the baby out, she will be full of pride. And if she doesn't want to help you, no big deal. She'll still appreciate that you asked her. Another way a verbal toddler or preschooler can be of great help is by "watching" the baby for you. When the baby is in a safe place such as a swing or on a blanket on the floor, if you're trying to accomplish something like fold laundry or make dinner, ask your older child to watch the baby. Have him sit down beside the baby and talk to him, keep him company, try to make him laugh. Make sure you've already established boundaries like no touching the baby's face and no trying to pick up baby, of course, for safety. Make sure he knows what a great help he's being.

It takes me 10 minutes to get out the door with just one kid. How long will it take with two?!
You'll find that because you've already got experience with packing up a diaper bag and getting everyone dressed and ready to go, adding a baby to the mix likely won't end up doubling your "out-the-door" time. Certainly, at first, you will need to leave yourself extra time to get where you're going. In my experience, it's always just as you're about ready to leave for an appointment that the baby poops and needs to eat. But getting everything else ready shouldn't take too much more time than it already does. Snacks, diapers, wipes, change of clothes for the older one (as needed), diapers, wipes, change of clothes for the younger one (and bottles if applicable) all go in the bag, and off you go. Some people find it easier to keep two bags ready, one for the older child and one for the baby, although I find this just means more to carry and keep track of. If your older child still needs to be carried out the door and into the car, leave the baby in a safe place in the house (already buckled in the infant car seat, for example), run the toddler out to the car, buckle him in, then go back for baby. I find that if I start encouraging the older child to be able to walk out to the car and climb in before the baby's born, while I can help him figure it out, getting everybody in is much quicker once you're juggling more than one child. This, of course, depends on your older child's age and abilities. Of course, if you live in an apartment or have to park on the street or have another circumstance where something like this scenario isn't realistic, you'll find a way to make it all happen. You've already worked out how to get one kid out safely, after all!

How will I manage bedtimes, naps, and errands?
I like to plan ahead and understand how the bedtime routine might change, where I'll put everyone when I go grocery shopping, and when and how everybody will get the naps they need. The thing is, it's hard to really plan ahead for any of this, because you have to see how your older kid(s) will react to the new baby, you have to see what the baby's needs are, and you need to know how much help you'll have in terms of other adults around. If you can share the bedtime routine between both parents, then I'd start making any necessary transitions at least a few weeks, if not a few months, before the baby is born. If Mommy usually cuddles with the toddler until he falls asleep, can Daddy do it now instead? Or can you help the toddler learn to fall asleep on his own, or after just a few minutes of cuddles? If you are alone with your kids at bedtime and you're used to "doing it all," you may have to improvise. At first, you can likely just hold and/or feed the baby while you do any book reading, cuddling, and so forth. If your baby is fussy or needy right around your older child's bedtime (which is common!), this may be more difficult. I find that it's usually helpful to get the older child to bed and then deal with the baby, if that's possible.

Naps are really the place where the younger sibling will suffer. I've been in the situation where the toddler's nap falls exactly between the baby's naps, and I feel like I can't ever leave the house because one or another of my kids is supposed to be sleeping. Unfortunately, it may happen that your baby becomes a slave to the routine and schedule you've already established. If that means baby naps in the car or during errands, at least he's getting some sleep, right? If you can baby-wear and/or arrange to take your longest car trips when baby needs to sleep, you'll at least be able to ensure that she's getting some nap time in, even if naps aren't always in bed!

As for errands, baby-wearing will be your friend, here, too. If you have a toddler who still needs to sit in the cart, for example, you can wear the baby and still put the toddler in the cart. Some of the larger stores have carts that can accommodate more than one child at a time, but in a regular grocery store, you may not have any other options. It is dangerous to prop the infant car seat on the child seat in the cart, so I don't recommend doing that, regardless of how many children you have. One thing I used to do when my third was born was take all three of my kids shopping. My oldest was capable of pushing the baby in his stroller while my middle sat in the cart, which I pushed. My oldest really liked having that important job to do. Better still is if one adult can run to the store while the other stays with the kids! Or take just one kid with you on errands and make that a special one-on-one time. Maybe you can get ice cream or buy him a special treat once in a while if he comes with you, so that he'll see that he still gets a fun time alone with Mommy or Daddy.


The best observation I can make is that, yes, the first several weeks will be a period of adjustment. You'll fumble with figuring out how to integrate the new baby into your routine. You'll have to figure out how to meet the baby's needs without depriving your other child(ren). You'll have to get used to dividing your time and attention. Your older child(ren) will likely act up or behave strangely because they will also be affected by the change in their routines and their lives. They'll notice that you are not as readily available to them. They'll be aware that things are different now. Be sure to acknowledge those feelings. Also, know that things will get easier. You will adjust. Your family will adjust. Give it some time and get a little creative, and, most of all, take what help you can get!

Enjoy your growing family!

What tips do you have for parents adjusting to the birth of a subsequent child? How did you help your older child(ren) get used to having a new baby in the house? How did you integrate the new baby into your established routine and busy day-to-day lives?

This, Too, Shall Pass, and Other Wisdom

I find myself, with about eight weeks left of this pregnancy, suddenly terrified of having a newborn again. This happens with each consecutive child. I cycle from excited, to thinking we must be crazy, to content, to excited, to terrified, to content, to excited, to OMG WHAT WERE WE THINKING?, then back to excited, then content, then terrified.

Part of it is our kids are spaced just-so, that we finally are at a point where sleep is basically working, routines are basically established, everybody's got some level of independence, and I feel like I'm in the groove, and then we throw another newborn into the mix and everything gets thrown out of whack again. And this being my fourth time through the ringer, well, I kind of do know what to expect.

In some ways, knowing what to expect is comforting. I know what to do with a newborn. I know phases start and phases end. I have almost seven years of watching kids grow up under my belt and have been through sleeplessness and teething and illness and firsts and potty training and nightmares and picky eating and tantrums and I know that "this, too, shall pass" is an absolute mantra of parenting. I know I can stick it out for a little longer until one problem ends as suddenly as another begins. I can pass along the sage wisdom of, "Just when you think you have it all figured out, they change it up on you again," and I can remember it for myself. I know that "do what works," "wait it out," and "give it another couple weeks" are absolute truths. I know that every kid is different, that every baby needs love, and that I have the strength and capacity to make it through this hour, this day, this week.

But in other ways, knowing what to expect is terrifying! I know about the sleepless nights, the crying for no reason (both me and the baby!), the stress of feeding issues and poo-splosions. I know about the pain of recovering from childbirth. I've experienced the complexities of balancing the needs of the older kids and the baby, and the sheer exhaustion of new parenthood. (And it's still new, even when it's for the fourth time.) I know about the disruption of routine, the randomness of life with a newborn, and the stress of evening fussiness. I know that sleepless nights and teething woes are once again on the horizon.

I find I do have a longer view than I used to. I'm already thinking about next fall, when my second will start kindergarten, my third will be three, and the new one, who is right know kicking and dancing within me, will be almost one. Because I can envision that, when it used to seem impossible that my kids would ever grow up, grow bigger, start school. It used to feel like toddlerhood was forever, that I'd be always wiping butts and noses (not simultaneously), cutting up food into tiny pieces, and washing sippy cups. Now I see that it is not. That life will change. That one day my days will be my own (except for school breaks and sickness), that my kids will be helpful in stores, that I won't have car seats to buckle or diapers to change, that I won't have to supervise trips to the bathroom, that as suddenly as life changes when you give birth, life gradually evolves again as that baby becomes a little person who walks and talks and has opinions all his own.

So, I'm terrified of the short term, of what I know is coming in the next few months and years. But I'm excited, too, about the long term, of watching another bright soul come into his own, of seeing our once-little family become huge and full of life and noise and warmth and love.

To those of you out there with one little one, or two little ones, who see life at knee-height, whose days are full of poop and whose nights are empty of sleep: give it a few weeks, months, a year. Life will expand. Your kids will grow. You will grow. You have the strength to make it through this hour, this day, this month. And while you may not look back fondly on every tantrum (yours or theirs), you'll look back and know that the weeks are shorter than they seem and that the months go by faster than you could ever have imagined.

Playing with My Kids: Coming Together over "Tea" and "Soup"

Until we moved, we regularly attended synagogue on Saturdays at our local Chabad house. When we moved, one of our many tasks was to find a new place to go on Saturdays, so this weekend, we visited one of the Chabad houses within a reasonable distance of our somewhat isolated new home.

This particular Chabad house has their services and offices located on the first floor of a commercial office building. They showed me and my kids to a room where they could play while my husband joined the prayer service. They said usually other kids start coming a bit later. I didn't want to leave my kids alone there without supervision, so I hung around with them while they built with Mega Blocks and Duplos.

The thing about Saturdays is, it's the one day a week that my phone is not in or near my hand. Because it's Shabbat, the day of rest, the use of electricity, telephones, televisions, etc., is customarily avoided. We are not particularly strict about the laws of Shabbat at home, but when in synagogue, out of respect for the day and the people around us, we leave all of that in the car and assume the sacred space of Shabbat.

This meant that, for a while, I was extremely bored and found myself reading a copy of "Mrs. Piggle Wiggle" that someone had left lying open on the couch just outside the room where my kids were playing. After some time, I wandered in to the room to see what they were up to, and I found my almost two-year-old son, G, playing with a plastic tea set, pretending to pour coffee into a mug. He "drank" some of the coffee, then offered some to me. I sat down with him at the table. Soon, my 4.5-year-old son S joined us and started making "soup" in one of the plastic bowls. Then the 6.5-year-old, N, came to see what we were doing. S told us he was making soup and then pretended to pour coffee and tea into the "soup" bowl. N and I said, "Ewww!" and asked what kind of soup it was before the coffee and tea were added. S informed us it was "tuna soup." "Eww!" we said again. We then took turns coming up with the weirdest and yuckiest-sounding soup recipes we could think of. Adding chocolate syrup to almost any savory soup seemed to be the "ew" factor of choice.

Tea Set on display at the Museum of Hartlepool. From Flickr.

The wife of the rabbi appeared with her daughters, greeted us, and told N she might have some Lego around if he wanted. She couldn't find the Lego, but she did find more pieces to the tea set and some toy pots and pans with which we could continue to make soup. G was delighted to find another spoon and a fork to go with the one spoon we had uncovered at first. We spent quite a while making crazy soup concoctions and pretending to eat and drink.

Normally, when I do get down on the floor (figuratively or literally) to play with my kids, I get bored pretty fast. I've learned I'm not alone in this - some have a greater tolerance for the repetition and simplicity of toddler games than others. My style is usually to be nearby but watching, rather than participating in, the play. My three are pretty good at playing together and finding things to do, but an almost-seven-year-old doesn't always want to do the same things as an almost-two-year-old, and that's perfectly reasonable. But for those few minutes, drinking pretend tea and fake, unappetizing soup, all four of us were engaged. No one asked to play with my phone. Facebook notifications didn't call to me for attention. No screens came between us and our silly game. It was just me and my boys.

When you take away all the other possibilities, all the other things you "could" be doing right now - whether it's paid work, house work, or Candy Crush (er...yes, guilty on all counts) - a simple pretend tea party brings the whole family to the table.

Parents' Responsibilities to Others Versus Others' Responsibility to Parents

I was musing about this while I "supervise" my house being packed up, and I thought it might make a good quick little blog post.

I took the kids out for breakfast this morning to Coco's, a family restaurant similar to Denny's or IHOP in terms of ambiance and food. It was quite empty, given that it was after 9:00 on a weekday morning, except for a few older couples enjoying some coffee and a mature woman with a calendar and iPhone doing...something. The hostess showed us to a section and told us to sit anywhere and that she would be right back with a high chair for the toddler.

My two older kids immediately sat down in the first booth, on a bench back-to-back with the lone woman tapping away on her iPhone. I monitored G while we waited for the hostess to bring a high chair for him, keeping him from either running off or climbing into another booth. iPhone lady shot me a look and I realized that N was kicking the bench, which had to be annoying to her. I told N to stop kicking, figuring that would be that. N did stop kicking, and then woman said, "Actually, could you sit somewhere else? Or should I move?" not in the politest of tones. I hesitated, then asked my kids to move to a booth farther back (two tables away), which they did, cheerfully (and noisily). I felt like the woman's eyes were drilling into my back. I didn't glance back to see if they actually were. I then spent the first half of breakfast diligently trying to keep my kids to "indoor voices." They were behaving very well, and if there had been any other families there at that moment, I would have been happy to let my kids keep on how they were, but I felt like I didn't dare disturb iPhone lady. It really put me on edge, and I found myself fighting tears for no good reason. I'm very stressed right now, preparing to move 500 miles north and waiting for my house to get packed up and taking care of my kids by myself. And being pregnant.

I calmed down as my coffee arrived, and the kids set to their food very nicely, and I turned around to see that iPhone lady was gone. The rest of breakfast was very pleasant and relaxed, and we left happy.

The incident made me think about the balance of "give me a break here; I'm alone with three kids" to "I'm sorry my kids are annoying you; I'll do my best to keep them quiet."

As parents, we have a job to do: We have to prepare our kids to function in society. That means teaching them manners, how to act in different arenas (home versus store versus restaurant, for example), and to be sensitive to how their actions affect others (i.e., empathy). As a result, we parents spend a lot of time trying to be tuned in to how are kids are acting and to how others around us are reacting to us. It can be exhausting. I find myself watching the faces of those around me, trying to judge whether they are charmed or irritated by my kids. I find in large part that people don't mind when my kids are just being kids, as long as they're not being destructive or unreasonably loud or exuberant. If I see an amused or nostalgic smile on the face of a grandmotherly woman, I don't try to rein my kids in as much as if I see the pursed lips and pointed looks of someone less open to "kids being kids." I try not to be too entitled. Just because I have kids and am stressed and sometimes they're hard to control doesn't mean my kids have the right to run rampant around a quiet restaurant and disturb other diners (which they weren't doing, but just for arguments' sake). I don't think I deserve special treatment because I decided to have kids, like I'm somehow unique among the women of the world.

As members of society, though, isn't it right for us to be aware that parents with kids sometimes need a little leeway? I know that for people who don't have kids, or haven't been around kids in a long time, or aren't usually around kids at all, it can be hard to understand or be forgiving of even normal kid behavior, and every noise or accidental shout of excitement can be irritating. But if you're in a family restaurant, one that regularly serves, and even caters to, parents and children, it shouldn't be overly surprising if a family comes in for a meal. And if that family is a mom alone with three young boys, it shouldn't come as too much of a shock if those boys are a little excited or hyper, and the mom looks a little exhausted. Where does that balance point fall? How much is it my responsibility to keep my kids from annoying you (yes, kicking the bench was not okay, and I stopped him as soon as I saw it), and how much is it your responsibility to realize that I also have a right to sit there and eat (my kids weren't doing anything unreasonable or unpleasant), and just because you had until then been in a quiet restaurant working quietly on whatever-it-was you were doing, doesn't mean you could expect it to remain quiet. It's a restaurant, not a library.

Frankly, if I had gotten there first (instead of having to corral the toddler), I probably would have chosen a table farther from her anyway, as, just like anywhere else, if there's room to sit farther away from people, I generally choose to do so (movie theaters, restrooms, the DMV). It wasn't that I minded moving to a farther table, it was more the sour look and the obvious annoyance at the audacity I had to bring my family to a family diner for a family breakfast. And that's all it was. There was no confrontation, no complaint, and no further incident with her. I didn't otherwise feel unwelcome, and a couple that came in after us did watch my kids with the welcome amused smile and eye twinkle that I usually associate with older people. I didn't worry that we had disturbed their meal at all.

So what balance do we need to strike? It's obviously different depending on where you are and what the demographic there is like. Behavioral expectations vary with venue for adults as much as for kids. I sometimes struggle with my need to please everyone. I don't want to annoy people or disturb their meals or interrupt their work or reading. At the same time, kids are kids and I can't always control every noise or every action. I can tell them when they're being inappropriate and work with them on it so that next time they'll know better. That's my job, and I take it seriously. I want to raise responsible, empathetic, and pleasant human beings. But can I enlist the rest of society to help me with that a little bit, and maybe give me a little bit of empathy and patience themselves when they see I'm doing the best I can?

Watching What We Say To Our Kids

When my oldest, N, was young, probably toddler-aged, I read in a book or on a blog or in some article a very, very important bit of parenting advice that has stuck with me more than anything else I've read or tried, and applies regardless of what other parenting or discipline methods you subscribe to. It has to do with how we talk to our kids, both in praise and in displeasure.

It's a simple concept, really, but in practice it takes concentration and self-control. What it boils down to is, when we talk to our children about their behavior, positive or negative, good or bad, it's vital to talk about the action, not the character of the child. We need to reinforce actions we want them to take again, and we want to point out and correct actions we want them to change. What we don't want to do is praise or criticize things they can't change or traits they can't "do."

Let's look at a positive example first.

Let's say your kid is very smart (of course!), and they bring home their first report card, and it's straight A's (of course), and the teacher's comment is that your child is a pleasure to have in class and is above grade level in every subject. That's fantastic. You're ecstatic! You've always demanded academic excellence of your children, and you knew he had it in him, and you're thrilled that he's living up to all your expectations for him. You want to convey to your child that you are very happy with his performance in school and want him to continue to excel, put out effort, work hard, and enjoy learning.

What not to say: "You're so smart!"

Why not? He is smart! He should be proud of himself!

Yes, but "smart" isn't something he does or doesn't do. "Smart" isn't something he can change about himself. "Smart" isn't a lesson he can learn or an action he can repeat. And what happens when he fails his first test or forgets to do his homework or gets yelled at by a teacher? Is he suddenly not "smart"? How is he supposed to remedy any setbacks with "smart"?

What to say instead: "You worked hard and it shows! I'm so proud of the effort you made!"

Here, you're praising what he did, not the trait of "smartness." This way he knows that hard work and persistence is what's going to get him ahead in life and in school. "Smart" is all well and good, but it's what you do with "smart" that will make the difference. Plenty of smart people do poorly in school, fail out, or give up, either because they're bored or because they don't know how to deal with not understanding something or failing once. With praising the effort rather than the trait, he now knows that it's up to him to continue to put out that effort to do well, and that if there is a setback or failure, he can step it up and keep trying in order to succeed.

Now, let's look at the flip side - a negative example.

By negative, I mean a behavior you want to correct.

Let's say your kid has trouble getting ready for school on time. She dawdles when she's getting dressed, wastes time while eating breakfast, and takes twice as long as she should to pack up her backpack, and even then manages to forget stuff, and you find yourself constantly having to bring her lunch or homework to school for her later. This, understandably, causes frustration every morning, and in a moment of pique, you yell at her.

What not to say: "You're so lazy! What's wrong with you? It's the same every morning! Why are you so slow?!"

Why not? She is being lazy and slow! And it's annoying! And you're sick of it!

Yes, of course you're sick of it, and frustrated, and you can't understand why she hasn't learned yet. But telling her she's lazy and slow is reinforcing an image she's already created of herself. And if she's a lazy, slow kid, then that's just who she is - see, even Mom thinks so - and it's not going to change now. You even said so: it's the same every morning.

What to say instead: (And, yes, you can yell this if you need to!) "It takes so long for you to get ready in the morning! Why don't you get your stuff together the night before! That would save so much time, and I wouldn't have to constantly be bringing your things to you at school! You need to get dressed before you eat breakfast, and you need to eat more quickly."

Here, we're talking about specific actions she can take to improve the mornings. Suggesting, even yelling, that she get her backpack together in the evening gives her a goal, something clear she can do to help her along and save her time. Maybe she honestly hasn't thought of doing that, and having you plant the idea is all she needed. Knowing that she doesn't get breakfast until she's dressed might mean she'll get dressed more quickly, because she has a goal. And, if you're willing to go that far, you can even add in that if she doesn't get dressed fast enough, she won't have time for breakfast and will either have to skip it (not recommended) or take a banana or something along in the car or on the walk to school so she isn't starving.

It's very important in a scenario like this that when she does make a positive change, such as getting her backpack ready the night before, that you acknowledge it. And, referring to above, don't say, "Good job!" Say, "Wow, getting your things ready last night made it so much easier this morning. Look at that, you're ready to go 10 minutes early!" You don't actually have to praise her, but you definitely need to show that you noticed and point out what a difference it made. If she's anything like my kid, you'll see her swell with pride at having done something "right," and hopefully that's a feeling she'll want to recapture and will continue to improve.

Let's look at one more example of each.

First, the positive.

Let's say your teenage daughter is very pretty (of course!). People are always telling her, "You're so pretty!" Even you take pride in the fact that she's so beautiful and perfect. One day, she wears an outfit that suits her especially well. Her makeup is done just-so, her hair is shiny and perfect. You're so lucky to have such a pretty daughter.

What not to say: "You're so pretty!"

Why not? She is pretty!

Well, we all know that beauty can fade, and while girls can get by on their looks for a while, eventually they also need some substance to their character to be anything in life. I hope that beyond beauty, you have dreams for your daughter to succeed in areas that require persistence, intelligence, or kindness as well.

What to say instead: I think there's a twofold reaction needed here. First, if you want to express that she's looking especially good that day, start with, "Wow, I love that outfit on you. You pick out such nice clothing." This is praising the act of choosing an attractive outfit, rather than the trait of "being pretty." She can continue to choose flattering, appropriate clothing for herself even if something happens to alter her current looks. But it's also important that you don't emphasize beauty over everything else. Be sure you're praising her for other achievements or activities, such as acts of kindness, persistence, or academic excellence. She needs to know there's more to life than looks, and she also needs to know that you value her for more than her appearance.

And now something you want to change.

Your four-year-old son is having trouble with his behavior at preschool. He's been biting and pinching other kids, and finally the director calls you in and says that if there's one more incident, he'll be asked to leave. The violence, defiance, and other difficult behaviors have to stop, because it's causing too much of a disruption and other parents are angry that their children are being hurt. You know it's time for some serious action on your part.

What not to say: "You're such a bad kid! Look at you, four years old and getting kicked out of school! Why can't you behave?!"

Why not?

I hope this time it's obvious. At four years old, you've already told him he's "bad" and that he can't behave. He's going to internalize statements like these and just assume that it's true: He's a bad kid who can't behave. And guess what bad kids who can't behave do? They misbehave!

Calling names or assigning negative traits to your child will only make things worse. Instead, they need to know both the "don't"s and "do"s of what happened so that they can hopefully make corrections in the future.

What to say instead: "Biting and pinching hurts other kids and makes them sad. If you hurt other kids, you won't be allowed to go to school anymore, and I think that will make you sad. You always tell me how much you like going to school." That's the "don't" part. But he may need more help. Continue with, "If you don't like something another child does, you need to use your words to tell them. Say, 'Don't do that!' instead of pinching, or go tell the teacher if you're upset about something." Now he has an action he can take. You've given him an alternative to violence. You're telling him to use words, and not just a vague, "use words," but exactly what words to use.

It's important to model that behavior for him, too. If he tries to bite or pinch a sibling when he's angry, or he takes a swipe at you when you do something he doesn't like, that's your opportunity to show him, in the heat of the moment, how he should act. Stop the negative behavior first, physically if you have to (grab his wrist to stop a pinch, or pull him away from the sibling - not something violent, just stop it before he gets there, if possible), and then supply the words instead. "We don't pinch, remember?! Say, 'David, I was playing with that toy and you took it. Please give it back!'" Or, "We don't hit Mommy! If you're angry with me, you can say, 'Mommy, I'm mad that you won't let me watch TV!'" Then encourage him to try it. That doesn't mean you have to let him do whatever it was he wanted to do, but you're giving him words for his feelings and a healthy way to express those feelings, instead of hitting you.

I'm not saying you're going to see a change overnight in any of these scenarios. Indeed, if there are deeper issues affecting your child's behavior, it may take far more than simple words to make that change. But words are a great place to start, because kids take far more meaning from what we say than we think they will. They also imitate what they hear and internalize values based on what you say to them. If we show them the proper behavior, demonstrate it in context, and live according to the values we want them to absorb, most kids will live up to, or even exceed, the goals we have for them.

So You Want to Stop Nursing

There will come a time in your baby's life when you no longer want to breastfeed, or he no longer wants to breastfeed, or you come to some kind of mutual agreement that breastfeeding needs to stop. Or, sometimes, it's out of your hands and a medical condition requires you to stop breastfeeding. What do you do?

Well, some of it depends on the age of your baby. Unless there is a medical condition that requires prompt weaning, I personally would not recommend weaning before at least three months of age. I encourage and champion mothers to continue to nurse exclusively until at least six months, as per the AAP, WHO, and other health organizations' recommendations. I also encourage and champion mothers to continue to nurse in tandem with feeding other foods from six months to one year, and I also encourage and champion mothers to continue nursing beyond a year until they are ready to stop.

Alternatives to Total Weaning:

A few points to consider before you decide to wean completely, whatever your reasons:

• Sometimes cutting back to just a couple of sessions a day can make nursing more enjoyable. If your baby is over a year and eats well, you can introduce whole milk and try to cut back to only nursing once or twice a day. (This is partial weaning, and some tips for doing this will follow.)
• Just because a doctor prescribes a medication and says you can't nurse while on it doesn't mean that it's true. Doctors don't always know which medications are truly compatible or safe for breastfeeding, and they tend to err on the side of caution. If you need to take a particular medication, first find out if there is a breastfeeding-friendly alternative, or double-check if that medication is truly dangerous to your child or your milk supply. You can check Dr. Hale's Medications and Mothers' Milk or go to the Infant Risk Center's website and look up the medication, or give the Infant Risk Center a call at  (806)-352-2519.
• While in the thick of it, nursing for six months or a year may seem insurmountable, but it's really a very short time in the scheme of things. It will get easier as you go along, and while you may never enjoy nursing, it should become less of a chore. Stick with it for just a little longer and see how you feel.
• It's normal to sometimes feel overwhelmed by nursing, especially if you have a baby who nurses frequently. Set yourself small goals, like one more week or one more month or even just one more feeding. Often after a few days, that feeling will pass and you'll again be content to continue nursing. Sometimes life gets complicated and it seems like weaning would be an answer to the complications, but once things lighten up, nursing won't seem like such a burden.

Okay, but you really do want to cut back or stop. How?

First of all, no matter the age of your baby, I recommend taking it in gradual steps (if possible), rather than stopping cold turkey. If you're going from mostly breastmilk to mostly formula, it's going to be very hard on you and your baby to stop very suddenly. You will become very engorged and risk developing plugged ducts and mastitis. Your baby's system will be shocked by the change and he may become physically uncomfortable as well as emotionally upset. After about three days to a week, both of you will feel better, but I do not recommend cold-turkey weaning if it can be avoided, especially with a young baby.

Immediate Weaning of a Young Baby:

If you do have to stop immediately, here are a few ideas to ease the transition.

• If the baby won't take a bottle from Mom, try to have other people around who can help feed the baby while you wean: Dad, a baby-sitter, grandparent, etc. Sometimes a baby won't take a bottle when Mom is around because the baby wants to nurse.
• Make sure you still give baby lots of cuddles, hugs, kisses, and love. Sometimes having to wean suddenly, especially if you didn't want to, can make it hard to find ways to connect to the baby, and you want to make sure you maintain your closeness even when you can't offer the breast. 
• Remember: Even if you can't nurse, you can still co-sleep, do skin-to-skin, wear your baby, and find other ways to support your baby physically and emotionally. 
• You don't want to bind your breasts because that could cause plugged ducts and mastitis. 
• Chances are, you will become engorged as soon as you've missed the first feeding or two. You may express a small amount of milk to relieve any immediate discomfort, but removing milk will encourage your body to make more, so be careful.
• Other ways to help with the engorgement and dry up your milk:
• Cold compresses will help slow blood flow (and milk production) and ease some of the pain. You may also take a pain reliever.
• Cold cabbage leaves in your bra. Buy a head of cabbage and keep it in the fridge. Pull off a leaf and break the veins, then put it on your breast inside your bra. When it warms up, put a new one. Repeat as needed.
• Avoid warm water directly on your breasts, as this will stimulate blood flow.
• Try to avoid foods that encourage milk production, such as oatmeal and the spice called fenugreek often found in Indian food.
• Some women find that herbs such as sage and mint reduce their supply.
• As a last resort, medications such as pseudoephedrine (Sudafed) may reduce milk supply as well.
• This may be a difficult time for you emotionally. Be sure to continue to care for your baby in other ways. Ask your family and friends to help you watch out for signs of depression.

Milk Donation:

If you as the mother are the one with the medical condition requiring weaning, there are ways to continue to provide breastmilk to your child if you want. There are several mother-to-mother milk donation sites that match up willing donors with mothers in need. These include Eats on Feets, Milkshare, and Human Milk 4 Human Babies. Typically, the agreement is that one or more women will pump for the baby and supply you with their milk, and you will cover the costs of any shipping (if the donor is not local) and for storage bags. This can be a great alternative to formula, or you can feed your baby a combination of donated milk and formula.

If your baby has a medical condition that requires you to wean from breastmilk but you are not certain you want to dry up your milk, you can continue to pump and save your milk to donate via one of the sites mentioned above, or you may be able to donate to a Human Milk Banking Association of North America milk bank (HMBANA), a nonprofit organization which provides donated breastmilk to preemies and other babies in need. Helping other babies via your breastmilk may help you come to terms with the emotional loss of having to stop nursing your own baby.

Gradual Weaning of a Younger Baby:

If you do not need to wean immediately for a medical reason, weaning can be a much more gradual process.

To gradually wean a very young baby (under three months), you may just have to offer a bottle of formula instead of nursing when your baby shows signs of hunger. Slowly give more bottles and nurse less often until you've found the balance you want. Keep in mind that you may not be able to maintain a partial supply if you wean before three months postpartum. Again, I do not recommend weaning such a young baby from the breast, as those first three months are vitally important to his development, the population of his gut flora, his brain and eye growth, his immune system, and his bond with you. However, if your health or your baby's health depend on your weaning from the breast, then it may not be difficult. Some babies will reject a bottle, and it may be a matter of basically forcing the issue (a baby won't let himself starve) or finding an alternative feeding method until he is ready to take a sippy cup instead. Also, sometimes a baby will prefer one bottle over another, so it may be worth trying a few different brands.

Gradual Weaning of an Infant:

For an infant, the ease of weaning will really depend on whether your baby is willing to take a bottle, and if he tolerates the flavor of formula. As above, it may be as straightforward as replacing a breastmilk feeding with a formula feeding. Remember that until six months of age, the only thing your baby should be eating is breastmilk or formula. If he takes a bottle but doesn't like the flavor of formula, you can try mixing expressed breastmilk with formula and gradually increasing the ratio of formula to breastmilk until he's completely on formula. You may also need to experiment with the temperature of the bottle. Some babies prefer a cold bottle, while others will only take it warm. Some don't have a preference. If he doesn't take a bottle, it may be difficult to introduce one. For a baby over six months, you may try to increase his solids intake or try mixing formula with his cereals or vegetables so he gets the nutrients he needs. You can also try offering formula in a sippy cup or straw cup, as some kids won't mind drinking from a vessel completely different from the breast even if they don't like the bottle. From six months to one year, gradually increasing solids and decreasing feedings from the breast may be all you need to do, and taking several months to completely wean will make it a very gradual and comfortable process.

Remember that until one year of age, breastmilk and/or formula should still make up the majority of your baby's diet, not solid foods. Also, do not introduce whole milk until one year of age.

If your baby relies on nursing to fall asleep or stay asleep, you'll have to take that into account when you decide to wean. You may need to have someone else put the baby to bed for a few nights so that you can break the association of nursing and sleep. I'm not saying it's going to be an easy process, but after three nights to a week, your baby should be used to falling asleep without nursing. It may take a few tries to find what new technique works best, but some ideas to try are rocking, shushing, singing, using a pacifier, putting white noise in the room, swaddling (for younger babies), and patting.

Weaning a Toddler:

For toddlers, weaning may be both more difficult and more simple. Since toddlers can get all the nutrition they need from solid foods and cow's (or other whole) milk, you won't need to worry about introducing a bottle or giving formula. However, toddlers also know how to ask for (demand) what they want, and they've learned to associate nursing with comfort, care, and closeness and may ask for it even when not hungry. However, toddlers also start to understand language, so it can help to talk to them about the weaning process (in an age-appropriate way). You can use phrases like, "No nursing right now. Do you want a snack?" or "You can nurse after ____ (we get home, you eat some peas, we read this book, whatever)," for example.

Many websites will suggest that, to wean, you eliminate one session per day and offer food or water instead. This is not so simple if you're nursing "on demand" still or do not have a predictable nursing schedule. Here are a few other suggestions I can offer for weaning a toddler. I suggest choosing one of the following techniques and sticking with it for a few days, rather than trying several at once or switching from one to another randomly. As with anything else with a toddler, consistency is key.

1. Have a designated nursing area in your house. Only nurse there. It could be a special chair, the living room couch, your bed, his bed, etc, but be consistent. "You want to nurse? Okay, let's go to the nursing chair (or Mommy's bed, or whatever)." Sometimes a toddler will be too busy to actually want to go somewhere else and nurse. This can also discourage nursing when out and about (if you want to do that) because the "nursing place" won't be available.
2. Make a rule about when you nurse that your toddler can understand. Only nurse at night or when the sun is up. Only nurse for sleeping. Only nurse after a meal. Only nurse when we get home from X. Whatever works for your routine.
3. Rather than cutting back on the number of sessions, cut back on the duration. Start counting, or sing the ABC's or other song, or something that your toddler will understand the "end" of. Say that when you get to the end, or when you get to X number, that he has to stop nursing, and then make him stop. You can start out by not beginning the countdown until he's been nursing for a solid amount of time, and then gradually start the countdown earlier in the sessions once he's used to stopping at the end of it. 
4. As a last resort, you can try purposely drying up your milk. This may not eliminate the comfort-nursing, at least not at first, but if there's no milk, nursing won't be as satisfying. Again, this would be a last resort. There are herbs (such as sage and mint) that can cause your milk supply to drop, as well as medications that may have a similar effect. This information may be more useful to dry up your milk after you've weaned.

Remember that as you wean, you'll need to replace nursing with something else. Nursing isn't just about food, it's also about comfort, closeness, love, reconnecting, and snuggles. You'll need to make sure he's getting his nutrition from other sources, but you'll also need to meet his emotional needs by allowing lots of cuddles, hugs and kisses, telling him that you love him, and reassurance. 

I want to reiterate that I'm not saying weaning will be easy. Indeed, weaning can be very difficult. Yes, some kids wean themselves. Some begin to prefer the bottle over the breast and simply don't want to nurse anymore. Some mothers find that their milk supply dwindles on its own (such as during pregnancy), which discourages their babies from nursing. Some toddlers are just too busy to stop and nurse. 

If your baby isn't one of those, then weaning will be a challenge. If you decide to say no, you have to stick with it. Your toddler may scream and cry. He may throw a tantrum (he's a toddler, after all). He may hit and kick and claw at you. This depends on your kid, of course, and how he handles being told no (and how attached to nursing he is). You may need to physically separate yourself until he calms down. You will need to find ways to handle the tantrums safely. You can treat nursing and weaning just like anything else you want your child to learn: manners, how to treat friends, sharing, picking up toys, not throwing food on the floor, cooperating during diaper changes. Be consistent and firm.

You may also find that once you have gained some control of the situation, nursing will become more tolerable or even enjoyable. When you're nursing on your terms instead of your toddler's, and you don't feel that your toddler is taking advantage of you, you may find that you don't need or want to wean completely. In this case, you may also want to try the "don't offer/don't refuse" method, whereby you don't ask your toddler if he wants to nurse, but if he asks, you consent. Over time, the child may simply ask less often as he becomes busier and more interested in the world. This is called "child-led weaning," as opposed to "mother-led weaning," and it is a method that works well for some women who are not in a hurry to wean but don't mind cutting back. It also depends on how attached your toddler is to nursing.

If you have weaned or partially weaned your baby or toddler and would like to share how it went for you, please comment with your story. If you have questions for those who have been through the weaning process, please post them in the comments as well. Weaning can be a touchy subject, but at some point, all kids stop nursing, so weaning is relevant and important to discuss.

Read my story about nursing and eventually weaning my middle son, S, here. I haven't started weaning G yet, but I have been known to tell him no or put him off for a bit, either by distracting him or by offering food. He's also used to mostly only nursing in bed, so that has helped keep him from asking to nurse 20 times a day.

Tales of the Runaway Toddler, Grumpy Old Man Edition

The other day, I bravely took all three kids to Barnes & Noble by myself. I say bravely because GI is in a running-away stage. I can't just carry him - he's 25 pounds - and he's not content to be carried or sit in a stroller all the time anymore. He struggles and screams and wants to run around. So I let him. Which means I have to chase him. Which means leaving the other two to their own devices for a moment or forcing them to chase GI around with me.

So, Barnes & Noble. They've added a toys and games section, which is awesome, because they have some really great toys and games. My kids received Hannukah gelt from my aunt, who instructed them to each get a toy and a book with the money. B&N was an obvious place to go, and less intimidating than Toys R Us. I was following GI around the toddler toys aisle, and I stopped to look at a toy. When I looked up to keep following him, he had vanished.

Panic.

The problem with toddlers is that they're short. And quicker than you think. And totally unaware of danger.

Sure, he looks innocent enough here. 

But let him loose in a bookstore and see what happens!

I told NJ and SB to STAY BY THE TRAIN TABLE and started asking other people in the toy section if they'd seen a baby. One mother offered to help look for him, which I gratefully accepted. Suddenly, a teenage boy came up to me and asked if I was looking for a baby. His mom had been tracking GI for me and had sent him to see if he could find a mom looking for a baby. WHEW. Sure enough, GI had made his way to the front of the store and was gleefully running through the business section while the teenager's mother followed. I thanked her profusely, and she explained that she hadn't wanted to pick him up in case someone thought she was trying to make off with him. I kept a much closer eye on him after that.

And then we had to stand in line to pay. I had somehow miscalculated how many hands I am currently in possession of. I was carrying a game of "Sorry!", 6 Magic Treehouse books, two picture books, a stuffed Dalek (yes, you read that right), a wooden train, an Etch-a-Sketch, and a Batman Lego set. And a 25-pound toddler. Something had to give. And the line was long. It became a choice of drop-the-toddler or drop-the-mound-of-toys-and-books, and I chose to put the toddler down before it got any worse.

MISTAKE.

I watched GI run away again, with clear instructions to NJ and SB to STAY WITH HIM. He went immediately to the front doors, because obviously the parking lot is a much more fun place than the cash register line. Fortunately, a collection of friendly adults, plus his big brothers, worked to keep him inside the store while I anxiously willed the cashier to finish my transaction. I indicated my distress by pointedly glancing toward the doors repeatedly, saying I was worried that my toddler was going to run away, and dancing from foot to foot in a manner quite similar to the Potty Dance. (I should add that I could see the doors from where I was standing. The kids were not out of my sight, just out of my reach for the moment.)

And then I was free, with two big bags of stuff.

I rushed to the doors, where SB and NJ were casually watching GI as GI casually watched the doors, waiting for his chance to escape. An old man said to me, "Is this your baby? He almost got his arm cut off! You weren't paying any attention to him!"

Taken aback but actually rather focused for a change, I responded, "I was paying attention to him. I sent these two to watch him while I finished checking out."

"These two were supposed to be watching him?" he sneered. "They weren't doing a very good job."

And here's where I'm very proud of myself. Instead of escalating, I simply said, "Thank you for keeping an eye on him. I appreciate the help." And we left.

I made NJ carry a bag so I could carry the wayward toddler.

In retrospect, I could have - and probably should have - asked the cashier to wait a moment while I rescued GI, then held him while we completed the transaction, but by the time we finally got to the almost-done stage, my arms ached with fatigue and I didn't think of it.

Next time, I'm taking the stroller. Or a leash. Or both. And maybe another adult or two.

Or maybe I won't go back there until GI is old enough to understand, "STAY BY THE TRAIN TABLE."

Or I grow another arm.

By the way, stuffed Dalek!

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