Let's Talk about Sleep, Baby!

If there's a topic common to all parenting blogs, websites, Facebook pages, and playgroups, it's sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. "Does your baby sleep well?" "When did your baby sleep through the night?" "How many times do you feed your baby at night?" "How much sleep are you getting?" "Does your baby sleep in your bed?" Sleep. Always sleep.

Sleep is a necessity, and we feel it when we don't get enough. The whole day is affected by how well we slept the night before, whether or not we have kids. But when our sleep is disrupted because of an external force - the baby - we can become resentful and frustrated, because it feels like something outside of our control. Then the discussions about "sleep training" begin. "How do I get my baby to fall asleep on his own?" "How do I get him to stop waking up at night?" "Is he really hungry at night or just eating out of habit?" "Would a pacifier help? What about a lovey?"

Here's what I know about baby sleep.

1. Sleep patterns are not linear.
We have this idea that babies start out waking every three hours to eat, then decreasing the night wakings over time until they're *poof* sleeping through the night, at which point they will continue to do so. This is really, really not the case. Many full-term, healthy, breastfed newborns will sleep fairly soundly, waking every three to four hours or so to eat, especially when they sleep in close proximity to their mothers. However, at around four months of age, there are some major developmental spurts that cause what we call a "sleep regression." Your baby who was sleeping three to four hours at a time, or even more in some cases, suddenly starts waking every hour or two to eat, fussing, crying, needing to be held or rocked. All the "tricks" you had don't work, and you're exhausted. Things slowly improve, and then, around eight or nine months, it happens again! And again at 13 months. And again at 18 months. While you probably will experience these changes in your baby's sleep habits, you should notice an overall trend, over months and years, toward more acceptable (by adult standards) sleep patterns. Some kids don't sleep through the night until after two years old. Some sleep through the night for a while and then stop. Just because your formerly excellent sleeper is now waking every hour and a half doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It just means your baby is growing and experiencing physical and mental growth, learning new skills, erupting teeth, and meeting milestones. And while those years sure seem long when you're in them, one day you will sleep again. I promise.

2. Babies don't need to be taught to sleep on their own.
Sleeping through the night is not a skill that needs to be taught; it's a developmental stage that will be reached when the baby is ready. You have not fallen into some great trap if you don't "teach" your baby to sleep through the night by six months, or a year, or two years. You are not doing your baby a disservice by feeding or comforting him when he wakes at night. You are not reinforcing "bad" habits by shushing, patting, rocking, nursing, feeding, offering a pacifier, or bringing him to your bed when he wakes up at night. You are not creating a future insomniac by assisting your baby in falling back to sleep. There are some methods that may help your baby sleep in longer stretches or cease to wake you up at night, and these range from slow and gradual night-weaning to "extinction" crying. Some of these methods work some of the time for some babies. You may successfully teach your baby to sleep well at night and then find, a few months on, that he starts waking again at night. You haven't done anything wrong if you do "sleep train" and it wears off, and you haven't done anything wrong if you don't "sleep train." And, just because your baby sleeps through the night doesn't mean there's anything wrong with someone else's baby who doesn't.

3. Some babies do need to eat at night, and some don't.
Many pediatricians and sleep experts, especially the "old school" ones, will tell you that a baby older than six months doesn't need to eat at night, developmentally speaking, and that if your eight-month-old baby is still waking to nurse or takes a bottle at night, it's because you're reinforcing a bad habit and not because the baby is genuinely hungry. While some babies will stop waking to eat by six months of age (my oldest stopped waking for a bottle at about 5 months), others will continue to wake up hungry throughout the night long beyond that arbitrary age. A baby needs a given number of calories in a 24-hour period, and while some will take in enough during the daylight hours to sustain them through the night, others will not. If your baby is eating enthusiastically at those 1:00 and 4:00 a.m. wake-ups, then I think it's safe to say she really is hungry at those times. If she sucks a few times and then falls asleep for three hours, she's probably doing what we call "non-nutritive sucking," meaning she's not taking in much milk but just needed a little help soothing herself back to sleep. Increasing daytime feeds (in frequency and/or quantity) may help to decrease nighttime feeds. Remember that, especially in the early weeks and months, those early morning and middle-of-the-night feeds are essential for your milk supply, as prolactin levels are much higher at night.

4. Do what works for you and your baby.
If your baby sleeps the best cuddled up with you, then let your baby sleep cuddled up with you (assuming you're in a safe cosleeping environment, of course). If your baby sleeps the best swaddled in a bassinet in another room, then put your baby to bed swaddled in a bassinet in another room. If you simply cannot function because of how often your baby wakes at night, try a method to get him to sleep in longer stretches, whether that's crying-it-out or cosleeping or something in between. If you are content with your baby's sleep patterns and you can function during the day with the amount of sleep you're getting, don't let someone else's experience make you think you're doing something wrong by leaving things as they are. If you feel there is a medical reason your baby is not sleeping, consult with a doctor. If you feel that your baby is not getting enough sleep for her, see what you can do to help her sleep better. With sleep, as with all things baby, finding what works for you is going to make your parenting journey that much smoother.
 

Ask-Me Monday: Newborn Sleep

Jessica on Babies' first Ask-Me Monday video is LIVE! Today we're talking about newborn sleep. Check out the video. If you haven't already, Like Jessica on Babies on Facebook today and submit your own question for next week's Ask-Me Monday!

Sleep Training Is Not Happening Yet

Since I had reasonably successfully gotten both NJ and SB to fall asleep in their own beds on their own around 16 months, I had been waiting for GI to reach an age at which I felt ready to "sleep train" him as well. He is still sleeping in our bed, and he has been sleeping very poorly, nursing often through the night, and I'm sick of it. I'm ready for him to be out, in his own bed, sleeping better.

He hit 15 months, and I hit a breaking point. He had shown some signs that said to me that maybe he was ready. First of all, he occasionally sleeps two or three hours by himself in our bed before I go to bed. Secondly, the other night, I sent him downstairs with my husband so I could get a little sleep, and he had no trouble sleeping without me nearby. Finally, I have witnessed him, on occasion, wake slightly, roll over, and go back to sleep without needing me. I thought, surely he is ready.

I want to take the "sleep training" in slow, steady steps. The first step, I had planned, was to get him to fall asleep on his own in his crib, instead of nursing in my bed. I felt I had established a fairly strong routine at this point (which is really the very first step), and he knows it's dinner, then bath, then get in PJ's and nurse to sleep. I thought, we'll do everything, except I won't let him fall asleep at the breast. I'll nurse him to almost-asleep, then tell him he needs to sleep in his own bed and lay him down in his crib, then do a Ferber-style controlled crying. He'll be asleep in no time, surely!

I was wrong. So, so wrong. At first, he was a little confused about being placed in his crib awake. I said good night, told him to lie down, and left. He didn't cry. He decided to try to climb out of the crib, instead. Now, for lack of a better place to put it at the moment, the crib is right next to my bed. It's been there since he was about three months old. I had left the mattress at the highest setting, because it would be easier to lift him in and out, and it was safe since it was between my bed and the wall, and if he did climb out, he'd just end up on my bed.

After I returned, laid him down, and told him once again to go to sleep, and he realized I intended to leave him there, he started crying.

When I went back in three minutes later, he clung to me for dear life, as if he thought I'd never return, despite never giving him reason to think that was so. I unhooked him from around my neck, laid him down gently again, and told him again to go to sleep.

He started crying hysterically.

When I went back in five minutes later, he was sitting in the middle of my bed crying, red-faced, and signing "nurse" for all he was worth.

How can a mother do such a thing to her child? Only one who is desperate for sleep, I guess. I steeled myself, hugged him, calmed him as best I could, put him back in the crib, and told him to go to sleep. He promptly climbed back out. I put him back in, told him again to go to sleep, and left. I went to my computer to do a puzzle so that the seven minutes would pass more easily. SB came to me and told me that GI doesn't know how to fall asleep in his bed, and he needs me to nurse him to sleep. He told me GI is sitting on my bed and needs me to come.

From the mouths of babes, eh?

I told SB gently that GI needed to learn to fall asleep without nursing and that he would be okay. And then I heard the unmistakable sound of a baby about to vomit. I rushed to him and let him vomit his dinner and before-sleep milk all over both of us. And then I wiped us off with his bath towel and hugged him and told him that he could nurse, but I was just going to change his pajamas.

And then I nursed him quietly to sleep, which took a lot longer than it would have if I had just done so in the first place.

I don't know how anyone has the strength to watch their baby suffer like that, especially when it is unnecessary. My baby needed me. He didn't understand why I would just leave him like that, and he couldn't fathom a world where Mommy wasn't there for him.

Sure, one day he'll learn that I can't always be there, but why does he have to learn it at 15 months? Instead, I'd rather he learn that Mommy is there for him, that he can be secure in knowing that I love him, that I will always return, and that when he calls me, I'll come.

I think I'll change the first step of my slow sleep-change process. I'll wait until he has a twin bed in a room with his brothers, which will hopefully be in a month or two. Then I'll nurse him to sleep in his own bed. I'll worry about getting him to fall asleep without nursing sometime after that. It seems far less cruel that way, and should involve considerably less crying.

In the meantime, I guess I'm stuck with my cuddly, sweet boy in my bed. And is that really so bad?

How Dad Can Bond with Baby

"I plan to pump and make bottles once in a while so his dad can feed him and bond with him, too."
"We do formula at night so Daddy can take the night feedings. He needs that bonding time."
"If I breastfeed exclusively, then how will his dad bond with him?"
"I want to make sure my husband has a chance to bond with my baby, too, so I think he should handle some of the feedings."

I hear or read comments like these often, usually couched as arguments against exclusive breastfeeding, and what it comes down to is the concern that if Dad doesn't feed the baby sometimes, if Mom is "hogging" the baby by breastfeeding all the time, then Dad won't get to bond with his baby.

Why is feeding so closely associated with bonding? Why is there this notion that the only way to bond with a baby is by feeding?

Part of the issue is that we breastfeeding advocates often tout the "bonding" aspect of breastfeeding as one of the major benefits. Nursing a baby activates love and attachment hormones in the mother (oxytocin and prolactin) that encourage the mother to protect and care for her child. Coupled with this are the warm feelings that the cuddling and eye contact associated with feeding provoke.

But there must be ways to bond with a baby aside from nursing! After all, parents who bottle-feed become attached to and bonded with their babies without nursing them. Parents who take in older children who no longer need bottles or breastfeeding bond with and love their adoptive children. What about stepparents who come into children's lives after infancy and become very well bonded with them?

While nursing, and feeding in general, definitely promotes that bond, not nursing or feeding doesn't prevent bonding.

While the mother may be the only one who can nurse a new baby, dads can certainly bond with their babies in other ways.

If we want to keep talking about feeding = bonding, then, once breastfeeding and supply are well established (at around four to six weeks), mom can start pumping so that Dad can give the baby a bottle. Indeed, if Mom is returning to work, she'll need to pump and have someone feed the baby from a bottle anyway, and it's a good idea to get baby used to taking a bottle of pumped milk before he has to be separated from Mom for any length of time. However, I do not recommend having Dad give a bottle at night in the early weeks, especially if there is any concern about milk supply, because late-night and early-morning feedings are essential for establishing supply and stimulating milk production. If he does give a bottle at night, then Mom should wake up and pump at around the same time that Dad is giving a bottle, at least for the first several weeks.

Continuing on the feeding = bonding track, once baby starts taking solid foods (around six months of age), Dad can feed baby! That first introduction to solid foods is usually fun and hilarious, watching baby's expression as he experiences a new texture and flavor, trying out the spoon for the first time. Of course, this has to wait until the baby is old enough for solids, but it can certainly be an enjoyable bonding=feeding time for Dad.

Moving on from feeding, how about bathing baby? My husband was the expert baby-bath giver for our oldest. Baths are fun and relaxing for baby and parents alike, and the skin-to-skin contact of Dad's hand as he washes the baby is healthy and also stimulates bonding and love. Dad can also massage baby before bed (Google "infant massage" for techniques).

Dad can diaper and dress baby. Before our oldest was born, we scoffed at the idea that diapering the baby would be a time of bonding. Who wants to change a poopy diaper? It's just a chore that has to be done. But we both soon found out that, while not exactly "fun" in the "enjoyment" sense of the word, changing a diaper can be much more than just changing a diaper, especially when it comes with tickles of the armpits, raspberries on the tummy, and stroking those adorable baby feet. Anything to entice a smile!

Dad can soothe the baby. Especially in those early days and weeks, when the baby may be fussy in the evenings and need help calming down, Dad can absolutely hold and cuddle the unhappy baby. He can hold the baby skin-to-skin against his chest, which will help the baby regulate his breathing and heart rate and keep him warm. He can swaddle, bounce, shush, or sing to the baby. Often, I've seen the magic of Dad's big, warm hands comfort a baby with gas or other tummy troubles, and Dad's deeper voice is calming and relaxing for the baby.

Dad can wear the baby. When baby needs to be carried, Dad can strap him on just as easily as Mom. Wearing a baby in a wrap or front-carrier is beneficial for both baby and parent!

Dad can sleep with the baby. While I know that not all married couples share a bed, it is pretty common. If Mom is co-sleeping, then so is Dad! Dad can cuddle his sleeping baby, gaze at the sweet sleeping face, and help quiet him during night wakings. And even if they don't co-sleep, what cuter picture is there than of baby asleep against Daddy's chest for a cozy nap?

The essential piece to bonding with your baby is not the feeding, it's taking care of your baby in general. Any way that you care for a baby will encourage a bond. The only way to ensure that Dad does not bond with his baby is for him not to participate in the day-to-day needs of his baby. The above ideas are just a few of the myriad ways fathers contribute to the well-being and care of their babies.

Sleep: 13 Month Update

I thought I'd update you once in a while on GI's sleep patterns, in the hope of creating a sort of historical record of sleep his evolution. My previous sleep posts regarding NJ and SB (part I, part II, part III) were based largely on my own fuzzy memories and the occasional LiveJournal post I had made when in the moment and wanting to scream (or rejoice).

A couple of things I know for sure are different this time:
1) SB was O-U-T out of my bed around 12 months. And then back in. But also out. His crib was in NJ's room, and I at least attempted to get him to sleep in there for the first part of the night.

GI, on the other hand, is still sleeping with me every night. His crib is snugged up right next to my bed, with the side off, because I had intended to at least try to scoot him over into his own space after nursing him. That...didn't work, but moving the crib or putting the side back on or any other option just seemed like too much trouble. At least it acts as a safety net should he roll off in that direction. It also acts as an excellent place to store clean laundry, hang wet things, and toss various items into when I don't have anywhere else to put them.

2) SB and NJ both had a bedtime by this age. We had a bedtime routine, I was consistent about bedtime, and both were down and out before 8:00 p.m.

GI, by contrast, hasn't settled into a predictable sleep routine, despite my efforts. He participates in the bedtime routine, including having a nightly bath, being with us while we read books and do the bedtime Shema, and he happily waves "night-night" and comes to my bed to nurse. This does not always translate to falling asleep, though. He seems to have an alternating schedule that goes something like this:

a) He's tired in the morning and takes a one to two-hour nap around 10:00 a.m. He is then extremely tired by 4:00 or 5:00 p.m., and my choice is to either put him down for a second nap or lose my mind because I have an overtired toddler following me around and screaming. I usually choose the former, and he sleeps for about 45 minutes and is up to eat dinner with us around 6:00. He is then not tired until after 10:00 p.m., but goes to sleep very easily at that point. On these nights, he usually sleeps reasonably well (comparatively, of course), and so I tend to think this is supposed to be his sleep rhythm right now. However...

b) If he goes to sleep after 10:00 p.m. he sleeps past 7:30 a.m. and then isn't tired for a morning nap. This means he goes down for a nap closer to lunch time, or even after lunch, and usually sleeps for about two hours. This means he's tired around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. and goes down for the night right after I finish putting his brothers to bed. This is great! He's in bed by 8:00 or 8:30! Unfortunately...

c) If he's asleep by 8:30, then he sleeps more fitfully (I don't know why) sometimes, and then is up before 7:00 a.m. This means he's tired for a morning nap around 10:00. And back to (a).

I don't quite know what to do about this strange cycle, except to force him to stay up and take just one mid-day nap. I feel like 13 months is too young to be on a one-nap routine, although it would make my life easier if it works. The problem is that if he gets overtired, he's just impossible to deal with and I can't get anything done. I have to decide between having a happy and rested baby during the day so I can get work done while he's awake (and get him down for a morning nap and work while he sleeps) or having an overtired baby at 10:00 and just deal with him until I'm comfortable with him going down for a nap. I'm leery of messing with his sleep needs just yet. I'm leaning toward giving it a few more weeks or months and seeing if it resolves itself. He may just be in a transition period going from two naps to one, and he certainly will get there on his own soon enough.

It is better than it was. For about three or four weeks in September/October, GI was sleeping just horribly. He would wake to nurse, nurse for a minute, roll away, then start saying "eh eh eh," roll back to nurse some more, pop off, "eh eh eh," nurse, pop off, etc., ad infinitum, all night long. I was losing my mind with exhaustion. And then, just as suddenly, he's back to his old ways, waking two or three times to nurse, nursing for a finite amount of time, and going back to sleep. This, I can handle. I can deal with it. I'm used to it. Sure, I'd love an uninterrupted night's sleep, and that will come eventually, but at least I know what I'm up against now.

My number one piece of advice for parents with complaints about their kids' sleep is, "Give it a few weeks." If it doesn't improve on its own after three to four weeks, then you probably want to look into making some changes, but I've found that with babies, you get about four to six weeks of decent sleep habits, then four to six weeks of horrendous sleep, then four to six weeks of okay sleep again, typically. Just when you think you can't take it anymore, it gets a bit better. And just when you think everything's great, it gets worse. So, give it a few weeks, and hang in there.

If the situation is completely intolerable, however, and your baby is over a year old, sleep "training" is always an option, but it's up to you how much "training" you can and are willing to do. There's the old "cry it out" standby, or there are gentler methods.

My plan is to slowly work for improved sleep conditions over the next year, as I did with SB.

The first step will be to get him sleeping in his own bed, in another room. To that end, we are going to get bunk beds for NJ and SB (NJ is turning six, so it seems an appropriate time) so that GI can sleep on a twin bed in their room. A twin bed, because then I can go in and lay down to nurse him at night, which won't change immediately. He's used to sleeping in a bed, not a crib, so I think the transition will work well for him.

The next step will be for him to learn that he can fall asleep without a boob in his mouth. This worked well with SB around 16 months and took only about three nights for him to understand. I will nurse him until I'm sure he's just comfort nursing, and I will talk to him about falling asleep without nursing and that he can do it. Then I will do whatever is necessary to get him to fall asleep without nursing. This may involve some controlled crying. I plan to try this around 16 months, as that seems to be a magic age, and that's when I was able to do it with both NJ and SB.

Finally, night-weaning. Once he knows he can fall asleep without nursing, I'll have to make sure he's getting enough to eat during the day that he won't need to be hungry at night. Then I'll simply have to refuse to nurse him at night. He will probably still wake for comfort a few times a night for a while, but, eventually, he should start sleeping through the night. I will have to wait and see whether this comes at the same time as full weaning or if he will still nurse during the day.

I expect that by the time he's two, he will be mostly sleeping in his own bed at night, and will hopefully be night-weaned. This is a yearlong process for me, but the ultimate goal is that everybody gets to sleep at night and that bedtime is not stressful or scary.

More on Sleep, 11-Month Report

It's not that the only way I can get GI to sleep is by nursing him. He'll fall asleep in the car, or when being held by someone else, or occasionally even when being held by me and not hungry. But to transfer him to the bed, or to get him to sleep when I don't have any other option, I lay down with him in bed and let him nurse until he drifts off to sleep. Sometimes this is less peaceful than it sounds, with me having to wrestle him back to me and convince him that, more than anything else in the world, more than chasing the cats, more than looking out the window, more than pulling on the curtains, more than playing with his brothers, he wants to nurse and fall asleep. Other times, he makes it clear in no uncertain terms that he wants to nurse right now and suckles until his eyes slowly close and stay closed, his hands relax, his legs bend and settle into what I guess is a comfortable position for him, and his breathing slows and evens out. When this second scenario happens, which is the case fairly often, it is truly the most blissful, peaceful way to fall asleep.

When I think he's asleep, I'll gently unlatch him from my nipple by sliding my finger into the corner of his mouth until he lets go. Now that he has two top and two bottom teeth, it's dangerous to try to pull away. I wouldn't want my yelp of pain to undo all the hard work of getting him to sleep in the first place! If he's totally out, he'll relax further, close his mouth, and not even twitch as I slide away from him and leave the room. If he's not quite all the way asleep, he'll immediately start looking for the nipple again. First, he opens his mouth and nods his head as if he's got some kind of nipple-detecting sonar. If he senses nothing, he starts rocking forward and backward, getting a bit more frantic. If still the coveted boob does not reappear, he'll start whimpering and calling. Only after a few minutes of this sonar-ing and yelling does he escalate to crying. Typically, I haven't even rolled away yet, so as soon as he starts his search, I'll let him latch back on and continue to suckle. Usually it takes only another two or three minutes before he falls completely asleep and I can leave. If I let him escalate, it takes more time for him to re-settle.

I love that first bit of maneuvering, the gentle opening of the mouth, the quiet nodding of the head. I love it, because he just assumes that I'm still there, that he doesn't have to cry or look for me. He knows that nipple is around there somewhere, and all he has to do is open his mouth and it will reappear. To me, this shows the ultimate trust, that Mommy is there. When he needs me, I'll be there. When he asks for me, I'll respond. He doesn't have to worry. He doesn't have to wake all the way up. He doesn't have to despair. Mommy's here. When I need her, she'll come. If I'm not done, she'll let me finish.

There's a whole spectrum of opinions about how babies "should" sleep, whether we should let them nurse to sleep or become reliant upon our "help" to fall asleep. There are those who would tell you that picking up your three-week-old every time she makes a noise is going to mean that she'll never be able to sleep without you. There are others who would tell you that if your five-year-old still needs to sleep in your bed next to you and have you rub her back for her to fall asleep, you should do that. There are schools of thought that say by about five or six months of age, a baby shouldn't be eating at night and should be able to fall asleep on his own and stay asleep all night. There are others who would say that your child will sleep how he sleeps and you shouldn't try to "sleep train" or night wean, because eventually he'll sleep on his own, when he's ready.

In trying to show the extremes of the spectrum, I'm not saying either side is right or wrong. I believe, as I have stated before, that every child is different, and what works for some parents and babies/children won't work for others, either emotionally or physically. Some babies are sound sleepers who, without any "work" on the parents' part, simply start sleeping eight or nine hours in a row at three months and never look back (or so their parents say). There are other children who still, at three or four years old, have trouble staying asleep the whole night and need their parents to help them go back to sleep.

I do believe, wholly, that cultivating trust between parent and child is absolutely vital. I do believe that your child needs to know you're there, and that that attachment needs to happen as babies and toddlers. We know that children who are neglected early in life have trouble ever learning to trust, bond, and love. I'm not saying that letting your child cry it out or leaving him to sleep on his own at night is neglectful. A child who is loved and attended to while awake is hardly neglected. I also am not convinced one way or the other that letting a child cry himself to sleep for a few nights will cause long-term damage or mistrust or any other emotional or behavioral problems. I just don't know. Nobody does. You can't take the same child and raise him two different ways.

But when I put myself in the baby's place, it hurts me to the core. Imagine: One night, I wake up and nobody's there. Nobody comes when I call. I'm alone in a dark room, I'm hungry, I need comfort, and nobody comes. I cry, and nobody comes. I wail, and nobody comes. Where's Mommy, with her warmth and her special scent and her milk? Why am I trapped in this place all by myself? Eventually, I'll lay down and go back to sleep, having exhausted myself with crying. I'll wake up in the morning, and someone will come get me. Where were they a few hours ago? And then, tonight, will it happen again? Will I be ignored? After a few nights, I won't even bother to cry, because I'll know nobody will come, and my parents will congratulate themselves on successfully "sleep training" me. "Oh, he sleeps through the night now. A few nights of letting him cry, and now he doesn't wake up! It was worth it!" The thing is, it's not that I didn't wake up. It's that when I woke up, I knew no one would come, and I went back to sleep because I had no other choice.

Maybe it is worth it. I don't pass judgment. I know that some people really can't function without good, solid sleep, and they will be better mothers during the day if they get to sleep through the night. I understand that. I just can't bear the thought of my baby going through that feeling of abandonment, even if it means we'll all sleep at night. And let me tell you, right now, exhausted as I am, sleeping through the night would feel like winning the lottery. But there are gentler ways to help everyone get more sleep. Sure, it's a longer process, and more work in some ways, and a longer time with less sleep, but you're a parent at night just as much as during the day. I like to wait until my kids have enough language ability to understand, "It's time to sleep. Go to sleep now. No more nursies," or whatever. If I can explain that I'm still around but that nighttime is for sleeping, then I don't feel like they're on par with that six-month-old baby left alone in his crib. When they can understand that Mommy's still nearby but that everyone needs to sleep, then they can still maintain that trust in you.

My older two generally sleep through the night. SB has backslid a bit in the past couple of months, partly because he's three and a half, and that is a very tough age. The half-years are typically bad times for behavior and sleep, as they enter a period of brain development and a bit of internal confusion. When they come out of it, they are stabler, happier kids, but we need to be there to support them through the tough times, even though we, as parents, want to tear our hair out. But they do generally sleep through the night, and if it weren't for GI's poor nighttime sleep, I'd say that we would all be pretty well rested. I think that helps me get through these bad nights with GI, because I know, from experience, that it does get easier and it will get better. Eventually. I do have fantasies of putting all three boys to bed in their own room, in their own beds, saying goodnight, and being left alone the rest of the night. And I also have fantasies of going in their room when they're teenagers and having to wake them up. It will happen. One day.

I was looking back through my LiveJournal from when NJ was about 11 months, as GI is now. NJ was sleeping terribly at the time, waking often, being up for an hour or two in the middle of the night, having trouble getting to sleep in the evening, just as GI is doing now. Actually, GI isn't even as bad, since it's not too hard to get him to sleep once he's ready, and he has only had a couple nights of being up for no reason and playing. The reason I bring this up is twofold. One, it's really just the age. They're learning so much at this age, coming up on one year old, that their brains just don't want to settle down. They want to walk, they want to talk, they want to play, they want to interact, and they do not want to relax and go to sleep and maybe miss out on something fun or important. And, two, it seems to me to put to rest any argument that GI still wakes so often because I nurse him through the night and cosleep. You see, NJ didn't nurse - indeed, by 11 months he didn't even eat at night. He had a pacifier and a blankie. He slept in his own room in a crib. And he was having all the exact same sleep "problems" that GI is having, despite completely opposite sleeping arrangements. Interesting, no?

So, I love that GI will be secure in the knowledge that Mommy is there for him when he needs me. I love that GI knows he need only open his mouth to receive that which he needs more than anything - Mommy's best source of comfort. I love that he can communicate that need, and that I can understand his message, without even waking up. And I love that I can get him to sleep with so little battle (most of the time) just by laying down with him and sticking my nipple in his mouth. I'm not saying I love every minute of it. That would be dishonest. My ribs hurt, my neck hurts, I sleep horribly, and sometimes his latch is so bad at night that I cringe when he wants to nurse again. But, frankly, I can't imagine any other way to get him to go to sleep, or go back to sleep, that would be more restful than not even having to get out of bed to tend to him.

I think, in a few months, when GI is old enough to understand, I'll be able to move him out of my bed, possibly out of my room, and he'll sleep on his own. I may still have to nurse him at night - I continued to nurse SB two to three times a night until I weaned him completely - but in between I'll get to sleep more comfortably. Until then, I'll muddle through and enjoy the peaceful moments, the tiny hand resting on my side, the little foot against my thigh, the warm head nestled in the crook of my arm, and the absolute trust and unconditional love of a baby. There's nothing like it. Nothing.

On Labels

I've recently come up with a theory about parenting. That theory is that once you put a label on a parenting choice, once you name it, you've suddenly created a division or cause that never existed before, even if the practice itself is as old as time.

For example:

"Cosleeping."

I think waaaay more parents "cosleep" than are willing to admit it. The number of parents I've talked to who mention something about their child climbing into bed with them, sleeping on their chest, having to be coerced or bribed to stay in their own beds, only being able sleep cuddled up with one of them, only being able to fall asleep if Mommy or Daddy is lying in bed with them, only being able to go back to sleep if allowed to climb into Mommy and Daddy's beds, far exceeds the number of parents who simply say, "Yes, we cosleep." Cosleeping is a term that loosely refers to any arrangement whereby a baby, toddler, or small child sleeps with a parent. People who "cosleep" (and call it that) typically went into it on purpose; that is, they said, "Yes, we're going to let Jack sleep with us." On the other hand, plenty of parents "accidentally" cosleep, in that Jack will only fall asleep or stay asleep if nestled on Daddy's chest or with Mommy's arm around him.

I'll never forget baby-sitting a four-year-old girl when I was about 12, and part of my instructions in putting her to bed was to lie down next to her and put my arm around her until she fell asleep. I think it's fair to call that cosleeping, even if it's only for a brief period. And how many times had her parents fallen asleep like that, only to wake three hours later and groggily stumble back to their own bed? But I bet they never said "We cosleep."

Granted, there are plenty of parents who absolutely, positively do NOT allow their child to be in their bed EVER. But I bet it's fewer than you think.

But, suddenly, when you ask someone if they cosleep, or you tell someone that you cosleep, or coslept, or plan to cosleep, or are trying to stop cosleeping, it becomes a weird parenting "thing" that only some people do, the crunchy ones, the ones who can't let their kids go. Believe me when I tell you, I want nothing more than for my child(ren) to sleep in their own beds so I can stretch out comfortably at night. But I'm too lazy to wake up all the way to nurse somewhere else, so I'm stuck curling up with GI for a while longer. (I don't really mind that much. If I did, I'd have changed it by now.) But my husband and I also think it's good for our kids to know that if they need the security of Mommy or Daddy curled up next to them, they can have it. Certainly NJ and SB sleep the vast majority of nights on their own at this point, but it's a fairly common morning that sees all five of us in the same bed. But then, I'm one of "those" parents who actually admits to cosleeping.

What else?

"Extended breastfeeding."

I think waaaay more mothers continue to nurse past the first year than are willing to admit it. I think even mothers who desperately wanted to wean at a year or who think it's odd or wrong to nurse a toddler might find it more difficult than they expected to suddenly withhold the source of comfort and nutrition that their beloved baby has relied upon her whole life. I think plenty of mothers continue to nurse a couple times a day well past the first birthday, if only because they can't find a way to stop, or they realize that just because they've flipped another page in the calendar doesn't mean a switch has suddenly flipped in the baby's head that says "okay, I don't need to nurse anymore." I think plenty of toddlers get to cuddle up to Mommy's breast once or twice a day, even if Mommy doesn't come out and say, "Yes, I'm an extended breastfeeder." There's a lot of stigma against nursing a kid who can "ask" for it in the Western world, especially in the U.S., and I think it's entirely probable that if the "practice" of "extended breastfeeding" were more acceptable, we'd find out that plenty more women are doing it than we expect.

I know I purposely nursed SB long past his first year (I weaned him at 25 months). I know I have every intention of nursing GI just as long. So maybe I'm an "extended breastfeeder," but, really, I think I'm just a mom who sensed that her son still needed his "nur" well into his second year of life. Anyway, I had no idea how to get him to sleep without it.

I know other women who wanted to wean at a year. Some did it. Others found it not to be such a simple prospect, for whatever reason. Are they "extended breastfeeders"? I don't think they'd call themselves that. I think they'd just say, "Yes, I'm still nursing," if asked. And so what? Do we need to label every last parenting decision we make?

Perhaps the labels serve a purpose. If we have a label, we can bypass a great deal of explanation and jump right into the arguing. Maybe this isn't such a good thing. Maybe if we were required to still explain ourselves before the other person has labeled us, then that other person would be more understanding. Instead of saying "We cosleep because...", when the other person has already decided that you're a ridiculous person because you "cosleep," maybe we can say, "I let Horatio sleep with me for a few months because it was easier to nurse him back to sleep that way than to have to get up and traipse all over the house." See, with that second statement, you're not a "cosleeper," you're just another tired mom who's trying to get as much sleep as she can. Instead of "I believe in extended breastfeeding because...", where now the other person already thinks you're a crunchy weirdo for nursing a kid who can ask for it in a complete sentence, maybe we can say, "Esmerelda really needed to keep nursing after she turned one because I still couldn't get her to eat a lot of nutritious foods and she didn't like cow's milk." See, now instead of being an "extended breastfeeder," you're just a mom who's trying to make sure her child is getting all the nutrition she needs to grow, and who wouldn't want that?

Labels help us put people into categories, but there are so many directions to go when you're parenting, and so many ways to interpret any given practice, that we end up with a stack of labels that we carry with us everywhere we go. I'm a "cloth diapering, extended breastfeeding, extended rear-facing, cosleeping, natural-birth-having, WAHM." But, I don't cloth diaper because of any great environmental philosophy, which is the first thing that comes to most people's minds when you say you cloth diaper, and I don't even cloth diaper 100% of the time. I do it to save money and because it's kind of fun (except for the poop in the washer part...). I am an "extended breastfeeder" in the sense that I believe babies still need to nurse well into and possibly beyond their second year, but I also don't see myself continuing to nurse to three or four years, like some other "extended breastfeeders." I am an "extended rear-facer" because I know it's much safer for my child to rear-face as long as possible because his neck and spine cannot withstand a crash force when facing forward until he's at least two years old. I had a natural birth almost by accident because I was more afraid of having interventions than I was of the pain, and not because I had any kind of "earth mother" or spiritual need to have one. And, I work from home because we can't afford to live on one income at the moment, but we both feel it's important that I'm here and available to our children. And I happen to like my job, anyway. So now, see, all those labels? Worthless. Because I've explained myself anyway, and I don't exactly fit most people's idea of what those labels mean, and I'm certain that almost no one does.

Tell me, what are your parenting labels? :)

4-Month Well Visit and Cosleeping Commentary

I had an interesting visit to the doctor yesterday for GI's four-month physical. I like this doctor for reasons you will shortly understand.

First of all, GI was 26.75" long (tall?) and 17lbs., 7.7oz. This makes him slightly heavier and longer than SB was at the same age, but not nearly matching NJ's robust 18lbs., 14oz. SB's weight gain didn't level out until six months. GI may be slowing down sooner, possibly because he was born in his own time and was bigger to start with than SB was. SB had some catching up to do because he was a couple of weeks early. It will be interesting to see which brother's build GI's more resembles as he grows. My guess is that he's going to be a big, tall guy like his oldest brother, though. SB had his three-year physical last week and was in the 75th percentile for his age, but he always strikes me as being short and skinny, probably because NJ is just so big.

Anyway, back to the pediatrician.

First, he said obviously I'm doing fine with breastfeeding and to just keep doing that. (Not that I was worried!) He asked if I was giving Vitamin D supplements, which I'm not, mostly because I'm bad about it and not because I don't recognize that Vitamin D is important. I've been taking a supplement for myself, and we do get some sun every day. He then said that he's not so crazy about them, either. Ha!

Then he asked where GI is sleeping. I told him in my bed. He said the AAP is now recommending officially that babies not sleep in their parents' bed but in a crib nearby. I said the AAP is welcome to come and take care of GI at night if that's how they feel about it. He said that SIDS dropped to almost nonexistent after the back-to-sleep campaign in the '90s, but that the rates have been creeping back up, and that most of the babies who are dying of SIDS are in their parents' bed. He said he's supposed to tell me that but then admitted that all three of his kids slept with them (and sometimes still do) and that he loves cosleeping and understands why I do it. Ha!

According to my reading, in a controlled bed space with sober parents, especially if the baby is breastfeeding, cosleeping is quite safe and healthy for a normally developing baby. And mom gets a lot more sleep! But having the baby in the room with mom, whether in a bassinet, crib, cosleeper, or the same bed, has been demonstrated to be the healthiest way for a young infant to sleep, and the AAP does recommend room-sharing, if not bed-sharing! (Remember that in many other cultures, the family bed is the norm.)

This article by Dr. William Sears puts it very succinctly.

To be honest, I cosleep because it's convenient for me. Frankly, I don't love cosleeping. I find I wake up with a stiff neck and shoulder and feeling like my torso is twisted. It takes a hot shower and some time upright before I feel like I can move freely again. I'd rather him sleep in the crib which is currently wedged between my side of the bed and the wall. I had intended for him to sleep there, take him out when he woke to nurse, and put him back in when he was done. That lasted one night. I found myself getting totally confused when he'd rouse, take a while to realize that he was awake and looking for me, and then I'd fall asleep nursing him, so he wouldn't make it back into the crib. Ah well. The same thing happened with SB. Eventually the inconvenient squirminess of a mobile baby will outweigh the convenience of popping out a boob and going back to sleep, and GI will be in the crib more regularly.

GI is currently showing signs of the four-month sleep regression, so while he does sleep soundly, he's waking  more often to nurse and spending more time with my nipple in his mouth. The other night, I kept trying to roll to my back, only to find there was still a baby attached to me. The choice was to stay on my side or unlatch and risk a wake-up. My typical choice in that situation is to stay where I am. This is where cosleeping works out so well, because I'm not up and down and up and down all night. I wouldn't say I'm getting lots of quality sleep, but I'm getting more than I would if I couldn't "sleep-nurse."

In other news, GI is still showing dairy sensitivity, having spit up rather dramatically just now. I tried a smidge of dairy the last few days, and it seems I, well, shouldn't have. It does seem he now tolerates soy and caffeine better, so at least I have that. I'll get to have macaroni and cheese again one day. Just, not today. I did get an ice cream maker and have been making non-dairy ice cream, which is loads of fun and takes the edge off the whole dairy-free thing.

Mothering Isn't Just About Feeding

The worst sin of breastfeeding advocacy is pushing breastfeeding to the exclusion of all other parenting values and choices. Certainly not all breastfeeding advocates are guilty of this, but sometimes we harp on breastmilk vs. formula to the point that it seems like if you don't breastfeed, there's nothing else you can do to create a strong bond with your baby, give your baby the feelings of emotional and physical security he needs to develop healthy attachments, or prevent your child from becoming an asthmatic, diabetic, obese adult.

So for the rest of this blog post, I will not talk about breastfeeding at all. Instead, let's explore some other choices we can make as parents that can help our children gain some of those benefits even if they've never had a drop of breastmilk.

To be perfectly clear: I don't mean you have to do any or all of these things to achieve the above-stated goals. Indeed, in the interests of full disclosure, I have not done all of these things with my children. You don't even have to do any of these things all of the time!

I tend to think the number one thing your child needs from you is love. If your baby knows he is loved, and is shown love through affection, caring words, and active demonstration, then everything else is really just a matter of preference.

Babywearing


Babywearing is the practice of using a carrier of some kind to keep your baby with you as much of the time as possible. There are many types of babywearing devices, such as slings, wraps, and carriers. The idea of babywearing is that babies need to be held, much as they were in the womb, in order to adjust to the rhythms of your life, regulate breathing and heart rate, feel secure in knowing that you are always quite nearby, and watch you as you go about your day. Babywearing is found all over the world in many different forms. Using a carrier or sling simply frees up your hands so you can keep baby with you and still get things done. The beauty of babywearing, too, is that not only Mom has to wear the baby. Dad and other caregivers can certainly wear the baby on just as easily. You can "wear" your baby as you perform chores around the house, go for a walk, shop (much safer than propping a car seat atop the shopping cart!), hike, even use the toilet (with a little practice...).

Bottle-feed In A Way That Mimics Breastfeeding


One of the reasons breastfeeding (okay, I said I wouldn't mention it; I lied) helps to prevent obesity and associated diseases is that it teaches the baby to regulate his own hunger. When you breastfeed on demand, you teach the child to eat when he's hungry. Because the child can choose when to stop eating, he learns to stop when he's full. The trouble with bottle-feeding (whether it's expressed breastmilk or formula), is that the baby finds it much more difficult to self-regulate. Because of the effort, time, and money involved in preparing a bottle, we as parents (I include myself) tend not to want to "waste" any of the precious liquid in the bottle, so we try to make sure the baby is very hungry before feeding (which usually results in putting the baby on a feeding schedule), and we try to make sure he finishes the bottle. As long as a bottle nipple is in the baby's mouth, it is hard for him to stop eating, because the nipple constantly drips into the baby's mouth, forcing him to swallow, which creates a vacuum that draws more milk from the bottle, which forces him to swallow again. We may be inadvertently forcing the baby to take in more calories than he needs, stretching the stomach and setting the stage for overeating later in life.

Breastfeeding also fosters bonding because you are forced to be in physical contact with the baby while he eats. We also naturally switch sides while breastfeeding so the baby can get milk from both sides. This switching back and forth stimulates both of the baby's eyes and both sides of the body. Often when we bottle-feed, we only hold the baby on whichever arm is more comfortable, so he doesn't get that back-and-forth advantage.

But, there's a way around both of these problems. Take a look at this article. If we bottle-feed in a way that mimics these two major benefits of breastfeeding, we can help to eliminate at least one of the risks of bottle-feeding.

Co-sleeping


Co-sleeping, or bed-sharing, is when your child sleeps in the same bed with you, rather than being placed in his own bed to sleep. You can co-sleep "part time," meaning you allow the child to sleep in your bed for part of the night, or "full time," meaning your bed is the only place the child sleeps, or something in between. Perhaps you sleep with your child in his bed for a while, and then slip away, or you start out in separate beds and at some point in the night end up together in the same bed. Perhaps you put your baby in a co-sleeper attached to the side of your bed, rather than directly in your bed with you.

Co-sleeping gives a baby or toddler a great sense of security at night. Humans are social animals, and we crave company, even at night. It is natural for us to share sleeping space, especially children. If the baby wakes up at night, the parent is right there to comfort him. You keep each other warm on a cold night. The rhythms of your breathing and heartbeat help to calm and regulate your baby's breathing and heartbeat. Your body heat helps baby to regulate his own body temperature. Your baby can sleep comfortably knowing that you are keeping an eye out for danger on his behalf. And you have an awareness of your baby and would know quickly if he were to wake or stop breathing (G-d forbid!).

If you do co-sleep, you should try to make your bed as safe a space as possible. If you are on medication that makes you sleep deeply, or you have been drinking and are not sure that you will wake up for the baby or be aware of him in bed, you should not co-sleep.

Baby-Led Weaning (BLW)


Baby-led weaning is a method of introducing solid foods to your baby that allows the baby to control what and how much he eats, rather than being fed purees with a spoon. You can use BLW whether you bottle- or breast-feed. When you're ready to introduce solid foods (at or after approximately six months of age), you can sit the baby in front of chunks of soft foods that he can easily pick up. Allow him to explore textures and flavors and offer him real foods. He will learn to feed himself, eat as much as he wants to, and stop when he's full.


When we look at parenting, we need to look at all of the choices we make and how they benefit our child. Whether we baby-wear or not, co-sleep or not, whether we breastfeed or bottle-feed, our main job as parents is to show our children that we love them, give them skills to cope with the world, and teach them that, no matter what, they are loved and we are there for them.