Thursday, June 9, 2016

Guest Post: Talking to My Five-Year-Old Daughter about Consent

As a companion piece to my previous post, about talking to my son about rape, Snehal Naik has graciously shared her thoughts on teaching her daughter about consent and how to say no to unwanted touch.


You can't talk to a five year old girl about the ugly things that happen to women and girls. But you can talk to her about consent. She doesn't need to know the word but the concept - believe me even a 5 year old can, and does, get it. I know because when my daughter turned five we started doing something very simple. We ask her permission before making contact with her body.

"Can mommy/ daddy give you a hug?" precedes all hugs. Sometimes she says no and we move on. When others want to hug her, I ask if she wants to, or offer up giving a high five as an alternative. Sometimes she says no to both options. And we move on. Yes it's hard when it's close relatives or friends, and I've endured my share of strange and hurt looks. But I thank those who have demonstrated being hurt by her refusal. Because together we are teaching her an invaluable lesson. That she has the right to withhold consent even if it incites hurt, or anger or emotional pleading.  That we do not reprimand or cajole her into saying yes when she means no. 

Because consent begins now. Not when she's old enough to understand the ugly words in an ugly world. 

Now. As soon as she knows where her body ends and someone else's begins. As soon as she knows that a touch can make you feel uncomfortable if you don't want it.

Now. Because I want it to become second nature, a law of her universe, equivalent to " we don't hit" or "we don't tell lies". Add in there "we ask before we touch and wait for a yes". 

So she'll instinctively know it's wrong when someone doesn't ask. Or asks and doesn't respect a negative answer. Because I don't ever want her to hesitate even for one split second about whether she should say yes when she wants to say no. Because I don't ever want her to wonder if it was wrong on the other person's part to not respect her answer. 

Irrespective of who's asking, how much power they wield over her, how much she doesn't want to upset them, or how much she thinks they love her. I want her to practice saying it to me and her dad- the ultimate power-wielders and love-givers in her life right now. I want her to do it starting right now. So her voice gets louder and louder with practice. 

I would do anything in the world to protect my five year old girl from the ugly things that happen to women and girls. Starting right now- with talking to her about consent.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Why (and How) I Talked to My 9-Year-Old about Rape

Yesterday, spurred in part by the ongoing (rightful) outrage about the light sentence received by the "Stanford rapist," Brock Turner for the rape of an unconscious woman behind a Dumpster on the Stanford campus, I sat down with my oldest son to talk about rape.

My oldest is 9-1/2 and just finishing fourth grade. He's a year from being a rising middle-schooler. He's just a few years from teenagehood and all of the experimentation and adventure that goes along with being an adolescent in America. And as the oldest of four brothers, his experiences and the way we teach him to face the world will set an example for his three younger brothers.

It's a heavy responsibility for him and for us.

In the entire 10-minute conversation, I used the word "rape" only once. Because talking about rape doesn't mean saying, "Hey, you shouldn't have sex with a girl if she doesn't want you to." Talking about rape is placing his behavior in a broader context of being a person of integrity, of doing the right thing, and of knowing what the right thing to do is.

I talked to him a little bit about the Stanford case itself. I didn't give him details about what Turner did. I said the boy and the girl were at a party, and they both drank a lot, and the boy decided that he was going to do what he wanted to the girl even though she was unconscious and couldn't tell him whether she wanted him to do that or not. I talked about how the boy made a very bad decision and that many people are very angry that he got such a light sentence, because what he did hurt the girl very badly, and she will always be hurt by it, even after he gets out of jail and goes on with his life. I talked about how when we hurt someone badly, whether it's physically or mentally (or both), that hurt doesn't go away, ever.

I then asked him if he knows what the word "consent" means. He wasn't sure, so I gave him a simple example. He was sitting at his computer, so I said, "If I ask if I can use your computer, and you say yes, that's giving consent for me to use the computer, and then it's okay for me to use it. If I come to you tomorrow and ask to use the computer and you say no, I don't get to use it just because you told me I could yesterday. Consent has to be given every time." He looked at me like I'd just told him the beach is sandy.

Then I explained why it's so hard for many women who have been touched in ways they don't want to be touched to report the crime. I said, "What if you were out on the playground at school, and for no reason at all, some kid walked up to you and punched you in the face? That would be wrong, right?" He nodded. "But what if then you went to a teacher and said the boy had punched you in the face, and the teacher said, 'Well, what were you doing? Maybe you made him angry. Maybe he didn't like the expression on your face. You know he doesn't really like you. You must have said something he didn't like.' And on top of that, the boy got suspended for three days and everyone was upset that because he was suspended, he couldn't play on the basketball team, and he's such a good basketball player, and it's such a shame that this one action ruined his career! None of that changes the fact that it was wrong to walk up to you and punch you in the face, but if that was the reaction you got, it would make you not want to bother reporting it, right?" I told him that's basically what happens to a lot of women who try to report when someone has hurt them.

I told him I really didn't think I was raising boys who would ever think it's right to touch someone who doesn't want to be touched. I told him I wanted to be raising boys who would become teenagers and men who would be able to see when someone else was doing the wrong thing and speak up. We talked about various scenarios. For example, if he sees a friend of his touching a girl, and she obviously doesn't want to be touched, he could go up to his friend and say, "Hey, man, are you sure this is cool?" Or, if he feels it would be dangerous to interfere directly, he can always call the police and report an assault in progress. Or, he can gather his friends who also know right from wrong and all together they can approach the person and suggest that what he's doing is not okay.

I said I knew most of this was kind of abstract for him now and that I hoped he was never in such a situation. But, I wanted him to have my words in his head all the time, so that if he finds himself in a place where he has the opportunity to do the right thing, he will know what to do. I said the only reason the boy at Stanford even got caught was because two guys rode by on bicycles and thought something looked weird, so they stopped to intervene. I said those two men are heroes, and I want my sons to be the ones who stop and check in when something doesn't look right.

This is not a one-time conversation. This is an ongoing and evolving subject that we will have to revisit. I will have to start this conversation with each of my sons as they get big enough to understand. And I can plant the seed with even the youngest by reminding him that if he's doing something and the other person asks him to stop, then he must stop. Period.

If it's simple enough for my 9-year-old to understand, then it's simple enough for a drunk 20-year-old to understand. Start the conversation. Keep having the conversation.


Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Childcare Options Part I: Do I Want a Nanny or a Daycare or Something Else?

In August 2015, I opened my own business. My older two boys are in school all day, but my younger two are not, and I needed to find a childcare solution so that I could work during the day. There are several options when it comes to childcare, and your choice may depend greatly on your living situation, your financial means, and the culture of your neighborhood and family. We ultimately decided to hire a nanny to come to our house every day and care for our kids.

In this first article, I will discuss the various pros and cons of the childcare options out there. I've identified four general "types" of childcare you may consider and listed some pros and cons to each option.

1. Family Member(s)
Some parents are lucky enough to have family members who can help watch their child(ren) while they work. This may be a sibling, a grandparent, aunt, cousin, or a combination of people who take turns. Some parents will pay their family members for the childcare (for example, to help out a retired grandparent who could use a little extra cash). Often, though, childcare is offered by family members without expectation of payment, to assist the working parents in maintaining their household.

  • First of all, it will cost considerably less than a daycare facility or paid nanny or babysitter (obviously). In families where finances are tight and paying for care would be impossible or impractical, this may be the only choice they have. It is often true that paying for care would wipe out one of the parent's whole paycheck. 
  • If it is a family member you love and trust and who your child loves, then you can feel secure knowing that your baby is well cared for while you are working. 
  • If your job involves non-traditional work hours (such as a job in retail or healthcare), a family member will likely be more flexible and more able to watch your child at odd times. 
  • A family member also means consistent care, that your child sees the same person every day and can develop a secure attachment to her/him. 
  • In addition, if your child is sick, your family member may still be able to care for him, whereas he or she might not be able to go to a daycare or preschool facility when sick. 
  • A family member may also be able to care for your child on holidays and other times when a facility or school might be closed but you still have to work. 
  • The IRS also does not require you to report employment taxes if you pay your parent or child as a domestic employee. 
  • If your child has any health or allergy issues, a family member can tend to those special needs in your own home, an environment which you have made safe for him or her.


  • It can be a problem if your caregiver is doing something you don't like - for example, giving your child foods you don't want him to have, or letting him watch TV shows you'd prefer he not watch, or putting him in a car seat incorrectly - because it may be difficult to confront a family member who is doing you a favor with things you would like her/him to change. After all, you don't want seem ungrateful. And if you do say something, depending on the personality of your family member, you may risk them deciding they don't want to help you anymore. 
  • Aside from these interpersonal/relationship considerations, when you have only person available to watch your child, if that person becomes ill, wants to take a vacation, or is otherwise unavailable, you have to scramble to find a replacement. 
  • Also, if that person suddenly decides they don't want to watch your child(ren) anymore, you may be stuck without any other options. 
  • If your child or children are alone with the caregiver without much opportunity to socialize with other children, you may consider this a disadvantage as well. 
  • Plus, your child(ren) will only be exposed to activities and experiences that your caregiver can provide, which means less variety of arts and crafts or cooking or outdoor play or games or toys or whatever else is important to you.

2. Paid Nanny/Babysitter in Your Home
A great option for childcare is to hire a nanny or babysitter to come to your home when you are working to take care of your child(ren).

  • Your children are taken care of in their comfortable home environment, with access to the foods and toys and other activities you want them to have in a place you feel safe. 
  • Also, this provides the flexibility you may need if, for example, you have older children in school who need to be home for any reason, so that you don't have to find alternative childcare for them. 
  • Your child(ren) will have the advantage of seeing the same person every day and forming a bond with that person. 
  • You can "keep an eye" on them by popping home, or, if you work from home, you can keep an ear out to see how everybody is doing. 
  • A nanny may also be able to work flexible hours if your job requires you to work outside of regular business hours. 
  • A nanny will likely be able to care for your child even if he is sick, whereas he or she might not be able to go to school or a daycare center if he has a fever or stomach issues. 
  • Some nannies will also do housework such as laundry, dishes, and cooking, which can be a massive help for busy parents.
  • Hiring a nanny can be easier on the wallet as well if you have multiple children needing care, since you would typically pay a daycare facility tuition for each child, whereas you would pay your nanny a set rate for all children together. (You may need to pay more for multiple children than for one, but likely not as much as you would pay a daycare for that number of children.) 
  • In addition, if your child has any health or allergy issues, a nanny can tend to those special needs in your own home, an environment which you have made safe for him or her.

  • You are trusting a somewhat unknown element/a relative stranger in your own home with your children. It is very important that you be comfortable with your choice and that you can trust the person you have hired. 
  • If your nanny decides she doesn't want to work for you anymore, you are stuck having to find alternatives quickly. 
  • If she is sick or needs a day off, you may not have any backup (unless you have arranged for some in advance). 
  • There are also tax implications to hiring a household employee, which you should be aware of. You must pay employment taxes and report her earnings to the IRS, and she must pay her own taxes on the income as well. 
  • And, similar to the above-mentioned "cons" to using a family member as your caregiver, if your child or children are alone with the caregiver without much opportunity to socialize with other children, you may consider this a disadvantage as well. 
  • Plus, your child(ren) will only be exposed to activities and experiences that your caregiver can provide, which means less variety of arts and crafts or cooking or outdoor play or games or toys.

3. Home Daycare
One type of daycare facility is a "home daycare," where a small group of children is cared for by one or a few caregivers in the caregiver's private home. There may be anywhere from 4 to 12 children in the home at any given time. You pay, typically weekly, for each of your children who attends the daycare.

  • At a daycare, your child will have the opportunity to interact with other children on a regular basis and learn how to conduct himself in an environment different from his own home. 
  • You don't need to worry about having a stranger in your home caring for your child. 
  • A home daycare facility should be licensed by the state, which means it needs to meet certain safety and structural requirements. 
  • A home daycare is often run by one or a small number of people who are the direct caregivers for your child and will love and care for them like their own children. 
  • They will likely have toys and activities for the children that you may not have at your home, and they will have a structure and schedule to the day, which is of great benefit to children. 
  • Home daycares are often open long hours (sometimes as much as 6:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. or even later) and can be fairly flexible as to the days and hours that your child attends. 
  • Some offer school drop-off and pickup for your older children as well, and may be able to watch your school-aged children after school or on school holidays (this will vary from daycare to daycare, but it is of interest to many people who work long hours). 
  • Your child is in a private home, which is a controlled setting with a small number of people around and less in-and-out of adults and children.

  • Daycare can be hit or miss in terms of quality. Many home daycares offer very high-quality care and you and your child will love the caregiver(s) and be thrilled with your arrangement. But others may be only adequate, in that your child is safe and fed, but possibly not stimulated or given as much love and interaction as you'd like. 
  • In a home daycare, there are often several children of different ages, so your six-month-old will be in the same room as three-year-olds, whose needs are different. 
  • It is a small group in a relatively small space, and if there are any personality conflicts or another child your child simply doesn't get along with, it can be a stressful environment. 
  • In the first year or so in a daycare setting, your child will probably catch every cold and stomach virus around, which may mean a large number of sick days for him or her and you. (The "pro" side of this is once your child's immune system has "toughened up" from repeat exposure to viruses and bacteria, she or he is less likely to be sick often as she or he gets older.) 
  • If your child has any health issues or allergies, it may be harder to have those special needs addressed in a home daycare setting where one person is caring for multiple children with varying needs. 
  • If the caregiver wants to take a vacation or is sick, the daycare may be closed for a day or week or even weeks at a time, necessitating your finding alternative care. 
  • If you work a late evening or early morning shift, the daycare will likely not be open at a time when you still require childcare. 
  • Price may also be an issue. You will typically need to pay for each child who attends the daycare, and you have to pay for your child's spot even if your child isn't at daycare that day or week.

4. Freestanding Daycare Facility
There are also freestanding daycares, which are buildings dedicated to childcare and are not private homes.

  • Your child is in an environment specifically designed for him or her. Daycares usually divide children into different rooms by age, so your child will be with other children in his or her peer group and will have a day structured according to his or her needs for sleep, food, and play. 
  • A daycare facility should be licensed by the state, which means it needs to meet certain safety and structural requirements. 
  • A daycare will have a structure and schedule to the day, which is very beneficial for children. 
  • They will have multiple staff members, so that even if one is sick or has some time off, there will be someone else around to care for the children, so you don't have to worry as much about an interruption in care. 
  • Most daycare facilities will have outdoor play areas with play structures and other outdoor equipment and toys. They will also have a variety of toys and educational tools and other activities which will be rotated and changed relatively often, so there is always something new to do. 
  • Your child may be exposed to many different types of activities, such as arts and crafts, music, language, dance, games, books, and opportunities to learn and develop fine and gross motor skills. 
  • Your child will be among many other children in a supervised and managed space to foster social growth and emotional awareness.
  • Daycare centers are often open long hours (sometimes as much as 6:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. or even later).
  • Some offer school drop-off and pickup for your older children as well, and may offer special after school or school holiday care as well (this will vary from daycare to daycare). 


  • A big "con" to a daycare facility is cost. A high quality daycare can be prohibitively expensive for many families. If you have multiple children who need care, you will have to pay separate tuition for each child. (Some daycares offer a modest discount for multiple children, such as 5% or 10% off one tuition fee.) 
  • Daycares will have strict operating hours and may not tolerate your picking up your child late or allow her or him to attend at times she or he is not signed up for. (This is because staff need to go home, too, and they need to be able to plan to have the required number of staff members for the number of children who are there.) 
  • Many daycares will close for federal holidays and in-service days, meaning you may need to make alternative childcare arrangements for those days. 
  • You have to pay for your child's spot in the daycare even when he or she doesn't attend for a few days or weeks. 
  • Some daycares have a fairly high turnover of staff, which means your child may not get to bond with a single caregiver. 
  • A daycare with a large number of children will have adults in and out throughout the day, which may be a safety issue. Be sure your choice of daycare has strong security standards, such as requiring children to be signed in and out by a parent or guardian and doors that lock so that adults must be permitted entrance by a member of the daycare staff.
  • And, as with the above "cons" regarding a home daycare, in the first year or so in a daycare setting, your child will probably catch every cold and stomach virus around, which may mean a large number of sick days for him or her and you. (The "pro" side of this is once your child's immune system has "toughened up" from repeat exposure to viruses and bacteria, she or he is less likely to be sick often as she or he gets older.) 
  • If your child has any health issues or allergies, it may be harder to have those special needs addressed in a daycare setting where there are multiple children with varying, and possibly contradictory, needs.

5. Other Creative Childcare Solutions
Some families come up with creative solutions to their childcare needs. Here are some other options you may consider:

  • You may "trade off" care with a friend, where they watch your children along with theirs on days you need care, and you watch their children along with your own while they need care. This works well in families where one parent works part time or from home and doesn't need regular care or the structure of a daycare facility. 
  • Some families set up a "nanny share," wherein they go in together in hiring and paying for a nanny and share her time, so that she cares for some children on some days and other children on other days. 
  • There are preschools called "co-ops," where parents take turns volunteering in the classroom, which reduces the cost of the school considerably but also requires a large commitment of your time. This would not work well for a parent who works full-time. 
  • Shift work. Some parents take the drastic measure of working opposing shifts (one works during the day and the other at night) so that whichever parent is not working can be home with the child. This can be very stressful, as you cannot really sleep and take care of your child simultaneously (especially for the night-shift working parent), and the two parents rarely get a chance to spend time together. You may also find a variance of this wherein you work different days of the week or different daytime hours.
  • Take your child to work. Some offices may allow you to bring your baby or small child to work with you. This is quite unusual, but depending on the type of work you do, you may be able to make an arrangement with your employer that will allow you to bring your child with you to work, at least on occasion, to help cut back on childcare costs.
Once you decide on the type of care you want, you will need to figure out who to hire or which facility to use. My next article will address these difficult decisions.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015


I recently realized that often car seat users are confused about some terminology. I thought I'd try to set the record straight.

There are three types of connectors for your car seat.

Any car seat can be installed in any car using the car's seat belt. Your car seat manual will have instructions on how to properly do so.

You MUST make sure the seat belt is LOCKED. Most cars on the road have automatic locking retractors, which means you can lock them by pulling the seat belt all the way out and then letting it retract. If your car does not have this feature, you must obtain a locking clip and consult your car seat manual on how to use it properly.

LATCH is an acronym for Lower Anchors and Tethers for Children. All cars manufactured in the United States since 2002 are required to have LATCH connectors. These are metal loops usually found in the seat crack. Your car seat has a strap with hooks that connect to these loops and is one method for installing a car seat. Check both your vehicle manual and car seat manual for how to find and properly use the LATCH system.

All forward-facing car seats will have a TOP TETHER. This is a strap that is attached to the TOP of the car seat back. Your car is required to have at least 3 anchor points to attach this top tether to. The tether prevents the car seat from pitching forward in a crash, which helps protect your child's head and neck. The anchor points can be found in one of various locations depending on the type of car and the type of seats you have. In a sedan, the anchors are typically found behind the head rest on the shelf above the trunk. On captain's chairs in a van or SUV, they are often near the bottom of the back of the chair. In some cars, the anchors are in the ceiling behind the seat. Check your vehicle manual for the locations of these anchor points!

Here's where it gets confusing!

You should not use both the LATCH and the seat belt for installation.

You SHOULD use the top tether with every forward-facing car seat, regardless of whether you use LATCH or seat belt to install the car seat.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Moving with Children: Some Thoughts and Advice

I know to most of my readers, I exist in a somewhat static online location, but my family has actually moved twice since I started Jessica on Babies, most recently last month! We moved from Southern California to Northern California two years ago, and this summer moved back down to Southern California.

Both of our recent moves were corporate relocations, which means we were lucky enough to be provided with a packing service. We still had to do some purging and organizing, but at least we didn't have to actually acquire, fill, label, and tape the boxes. Even so, moving is stressful for everyone, especially a long-distance move to a new and unfamiliar place. This most recent move, we didn't even see the house we were moving into until we actually arrived here!

Here are some of my thoughts and bits of advice on long-distance (or short-distance!) moves with children.

Small children may wonder where their stuff is going and if they're going to see it again. Make sure that you keep your child's lovey and a few favorite books and small toys out so that there is something familiar among the chaos. For verbal children, especially preschool-aged ones, explain that their clothes and toys are going into the boxes, but that those boxes are going to arrive at the new house and they'll get to unpack and use their things again.

School-aged children will worry about attending a new school and making new friends. We were fortunate to move in the summer, so my kids don't have the disruption of changing schools in the middle of a school year. They have not expressed a great deal of concern over starting at a new school, but school hasn't started yet. I am nervous for them - especially for my oldest, who will be going into fourth grade. I signed them up for a couple of weeks of summer camp in our new town in the hopes that they'd get to meet some kids their age who live locally, and hopefully some who will be at their new school. It was also an opportunity for me to meet some of the local parents!

Babies and toddlers will adjust the fastest. My youngest didn't much care where he was sleeping as long as he had his familiar blankets, and as long as I nursed him down in his new room. He even got a new bed when we got to our new house. Our only concern with the youngest was that we moved from a one-story house (where he'd been born) to a two-story house, and we wanted to make sure he'd get used to climbing up and down the stairs. It took him a couple of weeks to become comfortable with the steps, but he goes up and down like a pro now. He has enjoyed exploring his new digs.

Maintain your family routines as much as possible. A new house means a new way of life no matter how you slice it, but the basic structure of your day can still stay the same. Children are comforted by keeping to a familiar schedule. They like to know what's coming next. Anything you can do to keep their days as familiar as possible will help them adjust.

DON'T PACK THE LOVEY. I put that in all caps because it's so, so important. If your young child has a favorite blankie or stuffed animal or toy that he or she uses as a transitional or comfort object, make sure it stays near them! When they get to their new room, having their lovey there to sleep with will help them become used to the idea that this place is now their home.

Give fair warning of the move. We decided to make the move quite a while before we told our kids. We spent a long time discussing when was the right moment to tell them. We wanted to give them enough time to ask us questions about the new area, to solidify the idea of the move in their minds, and to let the shock wear off a little, but we didn't want them to be worrying about it for weeks and months either. We ended up telling them about a month and a half before we were scheduled to move. This gave them a chance to say goodbye to friends at school, have some last play dates, look at pictures of the new house, and talk about what we'd be doing during the summer.

Reassure them that you'll be staying for a while. It took my almost-four-year-old a while to understand that this is his new home. We stayed for a couple of nights in two hotels before moving in, which may have been confusing for him. After moving in, he asked repeatedly when we were going back to the hotel, or back to our house, and I had to explain, gently, several times, that we were living here now, that this is our new house, and that we aren't going back to the other house.

Find lots of positive things to talk about. For myself as much as for the kids, I spent a lot of time listing the things that would be better or easier or more fun in the new location. At the same time, I acknowledged the things we would miss about our old town. Validate their feelings. There will be a mix of excitement and nerves, sadness about leaving friends but a little bit of the thrill of adventure all mixed up. It's okay to be sad. Yes, you'll miss your friends. I'm sad, too. I'm going to miss a lot of things about this place. But think of all the neat things about our new city! I was able to list many positives about the move, which helped all of us get used to the idea. We were fortunate to be moving closer to several family members the kids enjoy seeing, so we could talk about how they'd get to see these family members more often, for example.

Be honest. Our kids wanted to know why we were moving. We told them, to their level, the reasons. There were several factors that went into the decision, and they didn't need to know the entire decision tree, but they deserved to know that we had thought a lot about what we wanted to do. We uprooted them as much as we uprooted ourselves, and it was important to me that they understand that Mommy and Daddy made the decision we thought was best for the whole family.

Follow their lead. All kids are different, and some may have a great deal of trouble with the change while others will embrace it head-on. Don't make worries where none exist, but don't downplay the genuine emotions they have. If you can reflect and acknowledge what your child is actually feeling, they will feel more secure in knowing that you truly understand what's going on in their heads, and you can help them work through those complicated emotions.

Find some new favorite places. We immediately located and went to some favorite chain restaurants and new-to-us stores. We went to the grocery store, toured the neighborhood, and perused Google Maps for places we specifically wanted to go. This helped establish this new city as our home base right away.

Be kind to yourself. You will be under a great deal of stress. Go easy on yourself, and, especially, go easy on your kids. Everyone's emotions will be running high in the days leading up to the move and for a little while until you feel settled. Own those feelings, acknowledge them within yourself, and let go as much as you can. Eat off paper plates, cook as little as possible, take a few days off from work if you can. Moving sucks. There's no two ways about it. Don't bury the stress or you'll explode. Ask me how I know!

That's all I can think of right now. Have you made a major move with your kids? What would you add to this list?

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Let Me Answer That For You: A Response to All the [Negative or Unsupportive] Comments on Any Article about Nursing in Public

I don't know why I bother to read the comments on articles that reference breastfeeding in public. There's never anything new, and there are never any surprises, and I'm never left feeling like there's any hope for humanity. But I persist. I keep hoping to see something different.

Take, for example, an article on The Huffington Post yesterday. It was entitled, "Why Breastfeeding Moms Are Praising Target". The article shared a picture from Facebook that shows major retailer Target explicitly stating its policy on how employees should treat breastfeeding mothers in all Target stores. The policy states:
"Guests may openly breastfeed in our stores or ask where they can go to breastfeed their child. When this happens, remember these points:
  • Target's policy supports breastfeeding in any area of our stores, including our fitting rooms, even if others are waiting
  • If you see a guest breastfeeding in our stores, do not approach her
  • If she approaches and asks you for a location to breastfeed, offer the fitting room (do not offer the restroom as an option)
If you have any questions, partner with your leader."
Breastfeeding mothers are lauding Target for making it abundantly clear that they are welcome to breastfeed anywhere in a Target store, that they will not be approached or harassed by Target employees, and that employees are to offer a fitting room - and not a restroom - to a mother who asks for a private location to breastfeed.

Because I apparently enjoy a trainwreck as much as the next guy (or girl), I clicked on the comments on HuffPost's Facebook post about this article.

And, as usual, there were no surprises.

So, I present: "Let Me Answer That For You," a response to All The Comments, Ever, on any article discussing breastfeeding in public.

"I don't want to see that." 
Then I have good news for you! You don't have to look! And if you happen to be looking in my direction and are *gasp* treated to a brief view of some side boob or flabby mommy-of-4 tummy, then may I offer you some eye bleach? There are lots of things out there I don't want to see. You know what I do about it? I look in another direction.

"There are children watching."
Uh huh. And I bet a lot of those children breastfed and will go up to have babies who breastfeed. I bet none of those children are offended by what they are seeing. I bet none of those children have any reason to think they should be offended by what they are seeing. I guarantee not one of them will be psychologically damaged by witnessing a baby eating. I am 100% certain that my breasts do not produce harmful radiation, project dangerous laser beams, or are bright enough to cause retinal burns. And if your child turns to you and asks, "What is that lady doing with that baby?", all you have to do is say, "She's feeding him," and your child will go back to telling you about brown dogs, fire hydrants, and how they don't like broccoli.

"There are men around. You know how they are!"
To be honest, I see more negative comments from women than men about public breastfeeding. Most men don't seem to care one way or another, and I've certainly never felt that one is staring at me hoping for a nip slip. And if he is? That's his problem, not mine. Why do you care?

"You should time your errands around your child's feeding schedule."
No. I shouldn't. I shouldn't have to. First of all, what if I have more than one child? What if I have this exact two-hour window between preschool drop-off and pickup to run to Target to buy diapers, hit a grocery store to replenish the milk and eggs we used up at breakfast, ship some stuff at the post office, and deposit a check at the bank? And what if, shocking as it may be, my baby happens to get hungry during those two hours? It's quite likely that she will, and when she does, if I don't feed her, she will scream. She will cry. And then you will look at me and say to your friend, judgmentally, "Ugh, why is she letting that poor baby cry?" Babies don't always have predictable feeding times. Exclusively breastfed babies may sometimes go two hours between meals and other times, sometimes on the same day, go only 45 minutes between meals. And a key to maintaining healthy breastfeeding is to feed when the baby is hungry, whether you're at Target or sitting in your bedroom. Besides, if I get hungry while I'm out, I'm very likely to grab a bite to eat. If I have my preschooler with me and he gets hungry, I'll give him a snack. Why does my baby have to be different just because her "snack" comes from my breasts instead of my diaper bag or McDonald's?

"Why don't you pump before you leave so you can give them a bottle while you're out?"
Where do I begin, here? Well. (a) Some babies refuse to drink from a bottle; (b) Many women do not respond well to the pump and can't express enough milk to fill a bottle; (c) Maybe I did just that but he got hungry again and I don't have another bottle for him; (d) If I don't pump on a regular basis, I probably won't be able to produce enough during the rushed 15 minutes before walking out the door to provide that bottle; (e) Feeding from a bottle is not the same as feeding at the breast, and it's a million extra steps instead of simply latching on and going; (f) Don't nobody with a young baby got time for an extra pumping session before running errands! (g) When, exactly, should I pump? Between feedings? Should I leave him crying in his car seat while I squeeze out a few drops of milk before I load up the car and go? Do you have any idea how much longer it takes and how much more work it is to pump as opposed to just feeding from the breast? I have a family to raise!

"Leave the baby at home when you go out."
With whom? Are you volunteering to babysit? Because, actually, running errands without my baby in tow sounds heavenly, but I'm it when it comes to childcare. Also, what if she gets hungry while I'm out? Who's gonna breastfeed her? You? See above for reasons I might not be able to just leave a bottle of pumped milk. And, yes, I'm aware that formula exists, and, no, I don't want to give him any. Thanks for the tip.

"Breastfeeding should be a private and intimate act."
Do you set up a romantic, private table, with candles and wine, for every meal? Does your family never shovel food in their mouths while packing up for school and running out the door? Is every meal in your home a private bonding moment? No? Because neither is every breastfeeding. Sometimes breastfeeding is just feeding. It's a meal. It's a brief stop in between returning books at the library and getting gas. Yes, breastfeeding in a quiet room, just me and the baby, can be very nice, but there isn't always time for that, and it isn't always appropriate. Sometimes, you just gotta feed the baby and move on.

"Just because it's natural doesn't mean everyone needs to see it. Sex/urinating/defecating is also natural!"
I really don't want to have to go there again, but I will, since you brought it up. Breastfeeding does not involve unsanitary bodily fluids such as urine, nor waste products such as feces. Breastfeeding is feeding. Breastmilk is food. Just because it happens to involve the breast does not mean it's the same as having sex. We do not flush breastmilk down the toilet. We do not have sex as a form of nourishment. We do not eat in the bathroom. Orgasm does not provide calories, fats, vitamins, and minerals to help us grow. Give me a break. It's not the same thing. Hugging my child is natural, and I do that all the time in public. Eating a salad is natural, and I do that all the time in public, too (okay, maybe a hamburger, not a salad. You caught me). On the other hand, driving a car, wearing clothes, and getting a manicure are not natural, but we do those things in public. Your logic doesn't hold.

"Why do you want your boobs hanging out?"
I don't. But apparently you do in that low-cut top. You can't see much when I breastfeed. Frankly, if you glanced at me while I'm breastfeeding, half the time you probably wouldn't even realize what I'm doing. And even if you did, the most you'd see is my flabby tummy, not my boobs. If that offends you, I sincerely apologize. I haven't had a chance to meet with my personal trainer, dietitian, and plastic surgeon because I'm busy caring for my family.

"I don't mind if you breastfeed in public, but you should cover up when you do."
Oh, thanks for that. I don't mind if you chew with your mouth open in public, but I wish you'd throw a blanket over your head when you do. What, you don't want to eat with a blanket over your head? My mistake. All snark aside, some babies refuse to nurse under a cover. Many babies will pull it aside, kick it, grab it, or swat it away. A cover makes it more difficult to see while you latch the baby on. A cover is hot. A cover slips off. And, frankly, a cover draws MORE attention to what I'm doing than if I just life my shirt slightly, latch baby on, and go on about my business. Plus, it's yet another thing to carry.

"Why don't you go do it in a [private location such as a car or bathroom]?"
Sometimes I do, although usually not the bathroom. But when I've got a half-full shopping cart, or I'm in the middle of a meal at a restaurant, or I'm watching my other children play at the park, it's impractical or impossible to find somewhere else to breastfeed. I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to have to leave my companions. I don't want to feel segregated or left out. And I don't want to pull my other kids away from their play or their meal so that I can go somewhere else to feed their baby brother. That seems quite unfair to them, don't you think? I don't want to abandon my cart in the middle of the grocery aisle. I don't want to interrupt my shopping process. And I really, really don't want to sit in a dingy bathroom to nurse.

"Wait until you get home. The baby won't starve."
He might. And even if he won't, what if I won't be going home for a few more hours? What if home is an hour away? And in the meantime, he'll be screaming and crying, getting more and more upset, becoming distressed. My breasts will be filling with milk with nowhere to go and I'll be in pain. If my baby is struggling to put on weight, or I'm struggling to maintain a full supply of milk, feeding on demand and not delaying feedings is vital. Yes, vital. If it'll be 10 minutes, yes, sometimes I will wait until I get home because we'll both be more comfortable there. But if it's going to be three hours, waiting until I get home is simply not an option. He'll probably need to feed twice more in that time!

Whew, I'm glad to get all of that out of my system!

What other hurtful, unsupportive, or negative comments have you seen when it comes to breastfeeding in public. How would you respond to these common ones I've listed?

Monday, May 18, 2015

A History of Sleep Deprivation

I've been enjoying the TimeHop app on my phone. It's fun to see old Facebook posts about things my kids said, or pictures of them, or other random happenings, or information I came across and wanted to share.

What has struck me, though, is just how many of those posts are about sleep, and how I wish I could get more of it.

Since I've been on Facebook for about seven years, give or take, some of these posts go back pretty far, at least to S's infancy. And almost daily, one of the posts from one of the years going back to when S was a baby has said something along the lines of, "I hope [whichever baby] lets me sleep tonight," or "WHY is [baby] not asleep yet?" or "I need more coffee," or "[Baby] actually slept through the night last night!"

And I'm still feeling that way, with Y approaching 19 months. Sleep is such a feature when it comes to babies and toddlers, it's such a central theme. I've had a baby or a toddler in my life nonstop for 8-1/2 years now, and in all that time, I've had just a few months here and there in which everybody in the house was sleeping through the night. This is not an exaggeration. It's simple truth. My Facebook history is witness to that.

Sleep is such an issue that there is a whole growing industry of "sleep consultants" who will meet with you in person or virtually, assess your baby's sleep habits and environment, and give you a personalized plan to get your baby sleeping through the night. A consultation and plan, with follow up, can run in the hundreds of dollars, and I imagine many parents feel it is money well spent. I feel like I know enough about infant sleep that if I had the will and the strength, I could do all this myself and have my kids sleeping through the night. But since I don't have that willpower, I don't think I could bring myself to follow someone else's plan, either. I'm not saying you shouldn't use a sleep consultant if you think it will help. I'm just saying I don't think it's the answer for my family.

The problem is that there is such a wide range of advice and rhetoric around infant and toddler sleep. At one end of the spectrum are those who say that by three to four months of age, you should put your baby in a crib in a dark room at a set bedtime, shut the door, and walk away, and don't return until the time he is "allowed" to wake up. No amount of crying from him should sway you to comfort him or in any way appear to be giving in to him. Because, they say, babies need to learn to sleep on their own, and if they don't learn it young, it will be harder and harder to learn it as they get older!

At the other end of the spectrum are those who say that a baby needs what she needs, and you should respond every time she asks for you. Indeed, if she needs to sleep in bed with you and suckle at your breast all night, then that's what you should do so that she feels safe and protected and secure, and so she knows that you will always be there for her. Some kids will need to sleep with you until they're five or six, but most will ask for their own bed at some point. After all, they say, in other cultures, the whole family sleeps together in one big bed anyway, so why do we in the West think it's wrong?

With this kind of contradictory advice about what you "should" be doing for your baby, and what your baby "should" be doing, what is a new parent to believe? Who's right?

I think both are right. And neither. I think parents and baby have a right to a good night's sleep, have a right to their needs being met, and have a right to negotiate the best possible sleep for everybody. I adamantly disagree that if you don't "teach" a baby to sleep through the night when he's six months old, then he'll be waking at night for years. I also adamantly disagree that if parents are simply uncomfortable allowing a baby or toddler to sleep in their bed, they should do it anyway for the best interests of their child.

How you go about finding this middle ground will vary depending on your personality and parenting style. I'm a hands-off type, and after four kids, I've learned that eventually you hit a wall and have to make a change, and usually at that point it's easier than you expected it to be to make that change. I'm also lazy about enforcing a schedule or pattern, and I am pulled in too many directions at night to focus so strongly on just one of the kids. Usually I get a sense of what I need to do, then find a way to work up to it, and then suddenly implement the new rule, which takes a few nights or weeks to stick. I tend to take things in stages. First, put him in his own bed (as opposed to mine). Next, wean him from needing to nurse at night (in the hope that if he doesn't have that to wake up for, he won't bother waking up). Finally, if he is still waking for comfort even if he's not nursing, help him learn self-soothing techniques so he can put himself back to sleep instead of calling for me. This was the general process I did with G starting at about 15 months, and it took about eight months until he was totally falling asleep on his own, in his own bed, and sleeping through until morning without waking me.

I have the benefit of knowing that they do eventually sleep through the night. My 8 and 6-year-olds take their own bath or shower, get themselves in PJs, and read to themselves in bed, then put themselves to sleep and sleep through until morning (barring illness, bathroom, or nightmares, of course). Neither was always that way, and indeed both woke me many, many, many times at night until I finally decided to attempt a change. Change is slow but inexorable, and eventually you realize, hey, it's been a while since I needed to tend to him at night!

I'll be starting the next stage of this process with Y soon. He's already sleeping in his own bed, but, unfortunately, I usually end up sleeping there with him most nights. He also nurses several times a night and nurses to sleep for naps and bedtime as well. My next project will be to night-wean him, so that he no longer needs or asks to nurse at bedtime or throughout the night. I hope that he will simply start sleeping through the night at that point, but, judging from my experience with G, I will probably have to tend to night-wakings for a few more months, and possibly do some light sleep training, before everyone in the house goes to bed, goes to sleep, and sleeps through until morning.

What a luxurious time that will be!

Maybe a few years from now, when I look at my TimeHop or my Facebook history, I won't be inundated with complaints about my babies' sleep. Instead, I'll be relatively well-rested, alert, and able to focus more of my energies on living life, instead of craving sleep.

I wish you all good nights and good sleep.

If you have any questions about infant sleep, I've written on this subject many times. Check out the sleep tag for lots of stories and information.